December 5, 1973 (Letter from Barb)

It's not my arm that's not functioning, but my head--  I've begun to write about 6 times, and I enclose one of my efforts (didn't), written, like the others in between moving boxes, suitcases, furniture, sleeping, eating, and working.  I haven't yet located my writing paper but I'm sure it will turn up.

I moved.  Y es, goodbye Humboldt Street and no heat, no repairs, and no food in the refrigerator.  In between I spent a week at Rick's (hassle, hassle, hassle!), and I'm safely ensconced in my own apt.  I like it even tho I have no idea how I'll pay for it every month.  It's really homey, w' high, slanting ceilings, a big back porch, 3 rooms and a bathroom on the 3rd floor of a house -- lots of trees around a field for Harry the dog.

Fact #2:  Rick and I have broken up again -- this happens once very other week.  Many problems which will never be resolved -- we'll probably still see each other-- who knows.  (or cares??)  He and his friend, Mac have a house in Roxbury -- nice house too.

Well, Paul, where do I begin?  Have things continued to develop or is your head settled down after each new awakening experience -- I hope I didn't violate a confidence by discussing this 23/ Rick at the time you letter arrived, to get a male point of view, much different from my own, I might add!  He seems to think that your real life history is only beginning, as far as feeling goes.  He doesn't see the danger that I see, but thinks that there is a long road to come, but isn't there for everyone?  (my addition)

I was reminded forcefully of my own feelings during certain vital, truly alive times, usually associated with unfamiliar places and new people -- the sudden closeness and warmth of just being with these people, who -- when you turn your mind back to it at another time -- seems to have lost the radiance and are only faces 2/ a remembered name and place.  But the chance is irreversible and no amount of looking back will change you back into what you once were.  The similarities in the feelings aroused are so great, I wonder if it's a universal experience, but perhaps only open to those who in a certain time and place accept the possibility -- ?  It's frightening to think about before it ever happens but while it's happening -- pure exhilaration.  Of course, my experiences were as "comprehensive" as what you have described -- I mean, including so many, regardless of role, sex, or personality -- I'd way you stepped off the board and right into the deep end.  The other end would be progressing from one individual relationship to another, keeping a firm control on continuity and becoming in a slow way a more complex version of yourself.  The old RATIONAL MIND -- no question of ever losing ego control.  Now there's nothing wrong w/ this way except there's all the effort of control and rationalization and always some regret.  Now, what you've done is the opposite -- total immersion -- a realization of a possible infinite #'s of new you's -- not rationally planned.  The ego is suspected (I wish I could think of another word instead of sounding like a text book, but you know what I mean!) -- but it will come back and try to establish it's own continuity.  Brought up as we are in this world, which worships the ego, we have no choice but to follow this cycle through.  No matter what continuity you finally establish in your ind, I don't think you'll fee any regret as to what's happened.  Even if you find yourself somewhere you never thought you'd be, you won't even want to be where you had always planned on being!  Duh!  So much for your head-- what about all the people you left behind in the old sphere of things -- do you really expect you can reach back and w/ your own power, just bring them along w/ your words and explanations?   You're welcome to try, but will learn something trying.  Here comes the danger -- are you willing to line in a sphere with -- at times -- non one else in it, for an undetermined amount of time?  Do we really want this kind of freedom, I mean not just the idea of it, but the living of it, this is what they wrote all those books about when we were in school and we read and said "Right on, of course everyone wants this", but when you find that no everyone wants it at all, what do you think?  You can stand there and watch as your friends drop into one niche or another, by accommodation, by marriage (no elaboration needed on this one!), by a lot of different ways and what is your choice -- to go on alone, or to keep what you've got but stop there and continue what you were doing and where you were headed before the question ever came up?

As for me to respond to you -- of course I still am responding in the old known way -- don't think words can ever really reach that part of another person.  What a frustration to find out that you so seldom reach anybody and hardly ever with words.   More and more now (from now on up to our parent's level -- or down?) -- people have a lot to lose by changing their course -- they have a balance worked out and it wasn't easy and they're not about to give it up for someone else's vision of how things should be.   Sad, but true -- it's like asking our parents to smoke grass and get into it they simply have too much to lose at this stage of the game and there's no guarantee!  You might not win the big game -- the way they are, they're fairly wise to say no. Think of that when you feel disappointed when people won't respond to you.  I will respond as best I can, within my own time and place and without any loss of my own balance, that's all anyone can do -- at the state we're at, no one is going to leave their own hard-won perception behind for yours -- this is life in the grown-up world.  It's not what we expected it to be is it?  We always thought we'd always be totally open to anything and you turn around and see your self limiting certain spheres out of your range forever.  I've said too much already -- I probably could have summed this all up in a line or two if I had the real clarity of thought you're looking for.  I'm only another one "on the way", like you.  I'm very interested in your thoughts now, after this amount of time has gone by -- if you don't write before Christmas, I'll see you in Warren then.  I'm definitely coming home for Christmas -- trying to get a ride now but I have reservations if I don't.

I hope this will serve as the feedback you wanted-- I'm sure you've heard from other people by now and maybe this will add something to their responses -- I'm glad you decided to write the letter -- it certainly was a "moving" experience.

Take care!

I've talked to Mardi  -- I've buried all my doubts for now and am just trying to gain some support.  (She wants to go out and see Bill!  No surprise, right?  I advised her against it, biting my tongue to keep from saying a lot of things, but if she decides to chance it, she'll do it I'm sure.  Joan and Freddie are now in Meadville, Pa -- one of their strings of Penna towns -- I have no address.  My brother Tim is at home working at the State, substitute teaching at Warren High (weird!) and buying a car -- his girlfriend, Rita, has never been heard of again after going down to Texas to see the Maharishi -- and I'm in old Boston fixing up a new apt. and going nowhere new I suppose!  Warren at Christmas should be interesting!

Now I'll end this -- happy holidays!

December 5, 1973 (Letter from Michael)

I have owed you a letter form some time now; sorry I haven't gotten around to it.  (For about two weeks after I got your second letter I carried it back and forth from work to home to have when I had the chance to write.)  So I'll give you the typical response of having no excuse and then give you excuses...I mean explanations.  Largely, almost entirely, that is, my life consists of working six days a week.  Nights and Sundays I seek amusement or, more often, fall out.  Work is OK but having little free time really gets to me.  Actually I wouldn't mind the lack of free time so much if there wasn't such a lack of money.  And that wouldn't be such a problem if my damn brother would ever open his store.  Do you believe that it's not open yet?  It's almost 4 months since the lease was signed.  But my brother does things full-assed.  His idea is to set the store up entirely, make it look beautiful, perfect, get all the stock in before opening.  That's fine if you can afford it.  But we're not quite in that position.  What he could be doing is selling stock while he's working on the interior, etc; but he doesn't believe in doing business that way.  Therefore with regard to that store money is going going out, not a bit is coming in.

Other than that, life is generally good.  Liz and I go to movies now and then, out to eat, or walk around.  We're living apart officially; essentially we're together 90% of our free time.  In some ways though it's good to have separate apartments as we can be apart when we want to.

I see Dennis 2-3 times a week.  He drops into the store to bullshit around.  He quit personnel work and is now selling insurance for John Hancock.  In fact he and Donna have really gotten into the middle class lifestyle.  They've gotten quite settled and bought all sorts of new things -- car, stereo, couch, table.  More than the accumulation of goods, which like the stereo I wouldn't mind having, though is their attitude.  I can see that they are almost on the verge of being trapped into the their mode of living.

Harvey can't stand any of us anymore because we're not acting like the hippie freaks we're supposed to be.  Up to a point I can relate to that.  But I know that I am working not because I want to but for basic survival.  In fact I have in no way compromised my ideals, beliefs, or desires for personal and social change.  But I fear most people can't live totally as they might wish.  What's critical, I think, is to make every effort to maintain one's beliefs, standards, principles, etc., even while one is forced by society to make certain apparent compromises.  (Is this making sense?  I am sort of rambling on, talking off the top of my head in between occasional customers.)  As well I constantly look for ways to help work for the changes which our society needs; although lately I have not been able to find movements or people with whom I desire to work.

Meanwhile Harvey has stopped attending classes and believe it or not is looking for work on a newspaper -- possibly with the Courier in Buffalo.

The other night some friends of mine at Boston College Law School asked me to be a witness for them in a mock trial.  I was a minister who was suing the defendant for libel -- he said I had misused church funds, smoked marijuana, and drank alcohol -- generally caroused around.  Well, it just wasn't true.  I was on the stand for almost 2 hours (I had had to memorize a bunch of stuff, make up the rest) and we won the case.  I sued for $50,000, won $10,000, but my lawyers said that it all goes to lawyers' fees.  C'est la vie.  But it was fun and interesting and I learned a bit about legal doings.

Well, that's it for now.  Please write when you get a chance.  Hope you are well, not working too hard, and more importantly hope yo might get an opportunity to come up and visit.

November 29, 1973 (Letter from Leslie)

Well hello sweetie.  Thank you for sending the postcard so I know you are still alive.  I had imagined that you were busy.  I don't know what to say about us, I guess my last postcard is the most correct.  The subject is not a very good one for discussion by letter.  I hope in your next missal you will make some comments on the things I wrote -- your letter to me was a hard one to write an answer to and continuing thoughts on it have made me cover a lot of ground but if I am still important to you and your feelings haven't changed then I will be comfortable with that.  Please write a letter, though, because I miss your chatty letters discussing what you have been doing.  So no more on that until I hear from you again.

Your independent study project sounds interesting.  I have read (and will enclose it) that Rolling Stone has published a volume of select reviews and has just come our with record reviews from its early years of publication complete with a 20 page index.  As far as I can tell those are the only two aspect indexed.  I imagine you have your sources already but just in case not, Collison has written Indexes and Indexing and is somebody at least readable.

A couple of weeks ago on a Sunday I went to an antique show with my aunt.  I loved it and I think you would have enjoyed it.  It was at least 30 independent dealers showing select wares -- lots of crystal, boxes, and a few specializing in books.  One dealer was the best as far as having books, manuscripts, maps, and personal correspondence.  I could see myself getting into that whole racket -- I already collect stuff.

My car has been acting up and continues to eat gas so I've gone to the dealer where I bought my other motorcycle and have put down a deposit on a new Honda 350F.  It is the baby of the four cylinder bikes and should be smooth as glass -- no vibration like you have with twin cylinder bikes.  It will make a nice small touring bike, very comfortable, which is what I will need commuting to Albany as much as I do.  I'm looking forward to being on two wheels again.

Not much else -- I've been doing a lot of reading lately trying to get most things out of the way.  Had a nice Thanksgiving -- went to NYC for a hot minute.  My father forgot to leave the bills of lading at the terminal in Edgewater, N.J. and my granny was going down Friday to visit so Mom, Nana, and I left after dinner on Thurs and ran the errand.  Unfortunately the people I wanted to see were all busy.  Mom and I drove back on Friday.  I drove up through Manhattan and Yonkers and part way up the Taconic Parkway.  It was the most driving I have done in NYC and wasn't as bad as it looks.  Saturday I went to a party and it was like a small old home week with some long unseen faces.  Sunday was a second Thanksgiving dinner in Troy with friends.  The food was great -- everybody had contributed something -- I made the gravy.  It was good -- I like lots of people around holidays.

Will continue later.

Friday 30:Nov '73 - Good afternoon -- am sitting in the library school  library and thought I would finish writing this before doing some work.

The other day I picked up my pictures and I was really pleased the way they came out.  It was the first time using a tripod.  The longest exposure was 1 second.  I shot a roll of black and white and a roll of color.  The quality of the color pictures was really fine -- I was pleasantly surprised.  Took portrait shots of Mom, Nana, and Dad and they came out great.  So whenever I see you again, will you sit for me?

On the local AM stations they are starting to play Steely Dan's new song.  I don't know the title but it has the phrase "But I did not think that girl could be so cruel and I'm never going back to my old school."   Really fine.  Last night a bunch of us went to the Pub and they were playig some fine listening music by Aretha Franklin, Laura Nyro, and Carole King.  (I think mostly from the Fantasy album.)  Feel like dancing now again -- haven't been since I was in Pittsburgh.

Tonight Chris and I are going to see American Graffiti.  Have you seen it yet?  I've been meaning to go for at least a month and so am looking forward to it.  Still haven't gotten my records from RCA so no comments on Lookin' In.

I guess that's it for now.  I continue to try and understand you more than before and care for you very much.  Take care of yourself.

November 29, 1973 (Letter from Renee)

Thanks so much for your letter, it was delightful to hear from you once again, and I am very glad that we can still keep in touch.  I did receive a letter from you earlier in the fall, but with school starting and all the work that piled up I haven't spent much time in corresponding to anyone.

Everything is fine with us.  I am busy with my teaching and Morrey is working and he's going to finish up his associate (2 year) degree in a few weeks, of which I am very  very proud.  Aside from that we have been taking bridge lessons, but being the klutz that I am I can't seem to play bridge without my 14 pages of class notes -- which leaves room for little else at the bridge table.  We've just finished the beginning bridge course and in February we'll take the advanced course.  Our house is all settled now and my basement is completely finished with carpeting and everything.  It has become "my living room" since I spend all my time down here working at my desk.  Once school started in the fall I had to give up all my grandiose plans for decorating until next summer when I'll have time to burn.

I love teaching and I really feel comfortable in my job now.  I've begun to explore different methods and new lessons to work on since I can't stand to do the same old thing in the same old way year after year.  I have a heavy load of 6 classes with 169 students and it takes me forever to grade any kind of composition work even though I fell that this is an area that needs a great deal of work at the 8th grade level.  The longer I teach the more things I seem to take on and find to do -- but I guess that's what really keeps me going and keeps my mind working.  I am just about ready to decide to go back to grad school this summer to see if I can't pick up some new ideas and materials.  One thing about teaching is that it is never boring and there never seems to be enough hours in the day to complete all the tasks I assign myself.  I am very lucky though Paul, because Morrey and I have very little time together during the week and we really cherish the weekends when we can get reacquainted.  We have a good number of friends here in Columbus now but Morrey and I prefer to be close friends with a very select few and we're not the big party types at all anymore.  I guess I could safely say that I'm very happy with my life as it is right now.  I'm the kind of person that has to set goals for myself and have something to look forward to no matter how small the occasion or how large.  Without the future to look forward to I am lost.  That sounds kind of dumb, but that's the way I am.

We went to Chicago last week to my brother's for Thanksgiving and my parents went with us.  It really bothers me Paul cause I see my parents getting older, and now that my dad is retired I really worry about them, not financially, but I worry cause they seem to me to be kind of "beaten" down by their circumstances.  With my grandfather living with them they have very little social life and they are quite bored -- yet there aren't many choices or options open to them.  They can't just pack up and go exploring places they've always wanted to see because they have a strong obligation to take care of my grandfather.  My parents literally live for the times when they can see us -- yet I can't hep thinking that there has got to be more to life and living than just that itself.  I guess I can't solve the problem for them, but I can really see the effects of all the years with my grandfather working on them, and I really get depressed.

We haven't formalized any plans yet for Xmas vacation.  Morrey will have a long 4 day weekend over Xmas but with the gas shortage and all that I'm not sure whether we'll make the trip to PA.  Aside from being able to see my friends for a little visit at Xmas time there isn't much that Warren has to offer for us, and Morrey and I aren't too anxious to spend 4 days sitting around on our asses with nothing to do but twiddle our thumbs.  So, at this time I'm not too sure about any plans that we'll be making.  Pittsburgh is only a 3 hr ride from Columbus Paul, do you think you could come here for a short while over winter break?  We have an extra, unused bedroom which you'd be welcome to use, and we'd love to have you as our guest.

Well, I'd love to write some more but I've loads of papers sitting in front of me which I've had for 2 weeks and haven't graded yet, so I'm afraid I'll have to close for now.

Be well and take care Paul.  Write soon when you have a chance.  Let's continue to keep in touch.  "Old" friends are the best friends.

November 28, 1973 (Letter from Barb Nelson)

Hi!  Well I made it to Orlando at 9:10 on Friday.  A bus picked all the waves at the airport, and fifty screaming girls rode twenty miles to the base.  We got our barracks and I finally made it to bed by 12:00, I was dead.  Saturday we arose at 3:00 in the morning and then I really knew I was in the Navy.

Now that I have been in for six days I can say that it's hard work, but I will make it through basics.  Everything we do has to be precise.  The reason behind this is to see how well we follow instructions. But at 0600 it is hard to think let alone follow orders.

There are fifty girls in our company with ten cubicles and five-eight girls in a cube.  We get along fairly good, but you always have bad days, like today.  We couldn't march worth shit.  Can you see me marching to classes, mess, everywhere?  I even went to church on Sunday.  It was unbelievable.  Everybody clapped, put their arms around each other, and cheered.  But it was a religious ceremony.  I enjoyed myself and plan to attend church every Sunday.

We had our shots and my arms were sore, the food is fair and I am an ice cream freak now, also the girls in my company are fantastic.  We get along tremendously.

Sure we get screamed at, we have to stand at attention, do a lot of petty shit that wouldn't apply to ordinary life; but I'm looking ahead to the final outcome.  I hope to travel all over!!  I know that I can apply myself and I will, but right now I have to work as a company.  I'm trying to keep out of trouble.  I'll have to learn to discipline myself for now.  I'll be out in nine weeks.

I won't be home for Xmas and right now I don't plan on coming home after graduation.  I want to go to my school right away.  I would like to save my vacation for some other time.

By the way, I graduate Feb 1, so I have awhile to go.

I'm getting along, I'm fine, and I'm glad I'm out of Warren.  The only reason I want to go back to Warren is to see Mom and Dad.  But everytime I say that and I do go back we don't talk about anything important.  So maybe it I go out in the world and get on my own, and then after an extended period of time came back to re-establish a firm relationship with Mom and Dad.  I can say I miss my family, but I'm not homesick.

Write back soon.

November 8, 1973 (Letter from Leslie)

Greetings!  I just reread your letter and I will just let my comments ramble on.  The anticipation of receiving this letter was much worse than the actual letter, but I had reached a point where I did not care what you did, but that went away last night when I was making homemade peanut butter -- I started thinking about you and your peanut butter and realized that no matter what was going to happen between us, my overriding feeling was that of fondness.

I am still confused as to what I am to you as I have not been members of your triangles, but always it seems, something separate.  You were to me first a friend because you never seemed to want a physical relationship and I decided long ago that I wanted you as a friend aside from a lover, even though I am sexually attracted to you.  So your actions when you visited me in May and when I visited you in September have me confused as to what our relationship means to you.

I have always envisioned myself with friends male and female, but having only one lover.  I have trouble handling more than one at a time.  So ideally there is the man who is my friend and lover and main person (a base), and then there are my other friends, new relationships, and other activities:  two people who co-exist and do things together, but yet are separate.  Much of our past relationship has been that.  So I don't know what else to say -- I enjoy being your friend and sleeping with you and maybe we can work something out to our mutual satisfaction.  Please continue to let me know what's happening with you as there has been far too much silence in our relationship.

Moving onto a different topic -- the peanut butter I made (from the recipe I sent you) came out okay, but a little dry, needs a little more oil.  The taste is great, and the texture is chewy, chunky - you would like it.  The biggest hassle was shelling enough peanuts.

I haven't received my records from RCA yet.  They did send me the Sounds of Love from A to Zzzz, by mistake -- I didn't play it to hear what it sounded like.  So I haven't bought any albums since what I've told you about.

Last weekend I went to Washington D.C. on a chartered bus -- with a bunch of other students from the school.  We stayed in a hotel ($10.60 for two nights) but the room was OK, maybe Robin, Nancy, and I got the best room.  Went to Library of Congress -- great architecture inside the building; Folger Shakespeare Library -- has an exhibit hall and a reproduction of the Globe Theater (not to scale); Museum of History and Technology (part of the Smithsonian).  Great -- barely saw two of the four floors in an hour and a half -- had women's costumes, large section of film with modern, silent, and a put-a-nickel-in-and-turn-the-crank variety; Department of Interior library -- interesting tour, they seemed glad to have us visit; and National Library of Medicine -- the tour guide liked his job and the library was impressive.  I really liked DC's personality and look forward to going there again -- there is so much to do and see.

Library school is okay -- I'm not as bored as you -- I've only had one test and got a B on that.  Going away the last two weekends made it nice.  The whole family may go down to NYC over Thanksgiving -- not yet definite.

That's all for now.  My birthdate is the 16th of November.  Take care of yourself.

P.S.  Re-reading your letter and thinking back to Atlantic City, there are two other things I want to ask/mention.  You mention Chris' being still upset because Judy married someone else and that you did not want this to happen to you.  What happened to you?  The risk of falling in love with someone, i.e., the fear that that person would leave you hanging?  And what is your new outlook on life and how does it concern other people -- myself in point?  Again, take care of yourself.

October 29, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

Thank you my friend, for the birthday card and the thought.  And naturally I return the thought.

It's good to hear that you are active.  It's strange, I had just begun to look for a job in order to keep myself moving.  My momentum in my classes has begun to slow, I hope to raise my excitement level by doing something more immediately gratifying than studying law.

I've been studying less of late and playing more.  My tennis game is improving slowly, my frisbee throwing was worked on today, and I've even been getting cultured.  I saw the Cleveland Quarter (artists in Residence at SUNY at Buffalo) a couple of weeks ago.  And then I saw a mechanical music concert that featured early 20th century music instruments, music boxes, calliopes, player pianos, and a piano player accompanying the film The Great Train Robbery.  It was really enjoyable. 

And then Friday I went in S. F. to get my papers served in my small claims action against the charter flight company that screwed up my Christmas flight home last year.  I guess I picked a real winner because when I gave the sheriff the papers he was to serve, he started laughing.  I thought it was over my cleverly worded statement of the case, but in reality he was laughing because the guy I'm suing is notorious.  A lot of people have been suing him and even if they win in court, there has to be some way to get the money from the guy.  And they maintain 8 bank accounts and you have to know which one your check goes into.  that's pretty discouraging, I guess I won't get my money.  Small claims court probably was a good idea when it was first set up, but today it's such a hassle to get a claim started and then get your money that most people don't even bother and these merchants, landlord, etc can get away with taking hundreds of dollars.  It's really a crummy set-up. 

Have you heard of the American Film Theater series?  It's a series of 8 plays films in N.Y. with really fine actors and actresses and then shown in theaters all over the country for 2 nights.  I'm going to see the first in the series, The Iceman Cometh.



Someday soon I'm going to start school work again.  I have a couple of papers I could be working on, but there won't be anythng urgent for awhile.  I can't wait until I'm dealing with people in real-life situations, rather than with hypotheticals.

Have you heard from Ralph?  I'm goign to try to write to him c/o Cornell Hotel Mangement School and see if I get any reply.

Well, I'm about trhough for tonight.  What are you doing over Christmas vacation?  When do you ahve yours.  I'jm flying to NYC Dec 15 and coming back Jan 5.  I'll be in Colden most of that time.

Yes, Paul, we both have been through a lot this past year.  It's like I'm riding on a roller coaster and I have some control over where and how fast I'm going.  Sometimes I'm moving along very slow.  And then I may speed up to the point that I'm just barely in control, things happen quickly and my life is on the brink of breaking down into chaos.  And then there are times, like last year, when after I've decided I can take the ride down the big drop, I go out of control, just sort of thrown back, finding it hard to breathe, and just riding it out until I hit the bottom and go around that inevitable curve that slows it down slowly so I am still in control.  If the hill isn't too big, I can take the gamble, go over and maintain myself through the excitement.  But every now and then I take a chance and end up out of control.  I feel that now I'm picking up speed after the slowdown which followed last year's precipitous delcline.  I'm eager to test where the brink is.

Good night, hang tough.