June 28, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

This is my fourth attempt at writing you.  Everytime I start I get carried away with my thoughts.  I try to say too much to you and end up with 1 page, quite different each time.

To start with, 5 of the last 6 weeks have been quite exceptional, really nice.  This last week has been a little unsettled and unsettling.

Since I last saw you, I had an incredible time closing the deal on 106 Winspear for Sunshine House.  The administration problems, tie-ups and fuckups were very taxing.  I was convinced at 2:00pm that Tuesday that we were going to be stalled again, but at 2:15 everything opened up and everything raced ahead.

The getting of that house has been the most informative and intense event in my lief.  It's hardened me a lot but it also taught me a tremendous amount.

On that Saturday (day before graduation) I got the key to the house, went in and went crazy for an hour.  That morning I got my acceptance from Berkeley and a rejection from Harvard.  I began to get seriously excited about Berkeley.  That night Harvey, Marty, Elise, Harvey's parents, Marty's parents, Harvey's brother and I went to John's Flaming Hearth.  It was great.  A really big day.

Sunday my mother came in with my little sister and we went out to eat and then sat up in the bleachers and watched graduation.  We also bopped around campus and had a good time.

I found out the next day that Jerry O'Brien had found a car in Syracuse, where he lives, that he thought we could buy for $125.  (It is now a week later, I don't like the beginning of this letter but it's a start.  I shall now push for a more positive frame of mind.)    It turns out that care had a cracked frame and we wound up buying a 1964 green Rambler American for $260.  It took $90 more to get it past inspection.  The trunnions were bad.  So now we call the car Trunnion.

On May 19, 1972 I tripped along for the first time.  It was good except that there was no one around and the lack of talking bothered me.  Also, it was Gay Lib week at UB and the actions of some of the guys was very disturbing.

I went to Columbus to see my sister after Jerry and I bought our car in Syracuse.  The car would take another 3 weeks before we could drive it.

The day after I got back from Columbus I went to N.Y. and visited Meryl, who I went down with, and stayed at Harvey's and saw Kenny, Herb, Chris (we had a good time the night we got together), wentn to Elise and Marty's engagement party and had a surprisingly good time, tried the tests for Jeopardy and visited Central Park, the art show in Greenwich Village, and walked around Manhattan a lot.

So many things happened and I feel very inadequate in relating events.  My emotions and feelings were very positive at this time and except for a few bad instances things were unbelievably good.  And they continued until the point where I started making things go wrong just to keep myself from being so happy.  This is what bothers me now, this self-restraining tendency.  Onward.

I went to Syracuse with Jerry and to clear up some things about the car and when I got back Friday night Joan Beck came over and we had a really fine time and I began to think I love her and that is also messing me up a bit.

Things are happening so fast I haven't had time to sit down and think about them.  I've spent a lot of time with Joan lately, I've been stoned and drunk a ridiculous amount of time, I've been training high school students in crisis intervention along with Jerry, I've been working with Dr. Holmes an economics professor, I've been spending a lot of time at Sunshine House, and today, I went home and saw my father for the first time since a year ago January.  I was really nervous but it worked out well and what was really shocking was that as I was about to leave, he gave me a check for $1,000.  I still haven't had time to think about that one.

It is now another week later.  I was aiming for uncontrolled chaos and good times and found them.  Now it's time to have a little discipline.  I just wrote to Herbie.  I'm trying to catch up on things like letter writing.

This is my first night on my job at Gowanda and it looks like it will be a nice, slow, slow time here.  Jerry O'Brien and I work Tu-W-Thu from 4 pm to 4 am this week, Th-F-Sat next week, then keep alternating.  36hrs/wk for $75.  It gives us a six day weekend every other week and I'm sure we'll be driving to a lot of places.  We've been averaging over 100 miles a day in our car.  It's such a great toy.  To be able to drive to Niagara Falls, Zoar Valley, Letchworth, Colden, etc is just so nice and it's still new and exciting.  And we get stoned a lot in the car.

I can't believe how good things are going and can only hope that I'll be able to keep them going that way.  with this job I'l have more time to think and go over all the millions of things that have gone on in the last year and prepare myself for leaving to Berkeley.

Joan left yesterday for a 3 or 4 week hitching trip to Banff National Park on the border of British Columbia and Alberta.  I miss her but I also welcome the change and lessened responsibilities.  I've moved out of Le Brun but will still get my mail there.  I'll live part time here and in Springville and part in Buffalo.  As long as I can keep myself full of energy while I'm working and it's only for 8 weeks, I should be able to accomplish a lot in these 12 hour slots.  Getting to know Gowanda should be fun.  We spent a large part of today's working hours wandering around town getting acquainted.  Sun was shining.

A week ago last Friday Jerry and I were here to do some training which was screwed up cuz no one knew what was going on and it wasn't at all organized, so we left after an hour and went to Zoar Valley.  It was so incredibly beautiful.  We climbed on a cliff and sat there a long time on the top.  It was trippy.

11 hawks suddenly appeared and began soaring and soaring around.  They were so beautiful, just gliding along so perfectly.  It was great.

I am facing so many new and changing things.  My relationships to Joan and Jerry are quite different than ones I have had with other people.  I have managed to spend quite a bit of time by myself and I have used it more constructively than I ever did before.

With all this goodness around, I've expecting a crash sometime in the future.

I still am over-critical of myself at times and feel a lack of self-confidence occasionally but as I digest all that's going on around me I feel I shall build myself up.  Jerry and Joan are strong-willed people and inner strength on my part is very important.

Well, I am going to finish this and send it out so you at least get some feedback.  I am very interested in your feelings of an inner voice, please write more on that.

The time is passing quickly.  8 more weeks and I'm off to Berkeley.  Maybe I'll see you in California or here.

Take care and stay strong.