June 13, 1977 (Letter from Tony)

A facsimile of the Fuji that opened up my world in 1977

Well it's been a little while, not as long as the last time, but a while nonetheless.  So it is with a trace of annoyance for not having done this sooner that I take pen in hand to write to you.

The main impetus for this letter is the possibility that I may be seeing you next weekend (June 24-25).  Up in Amherst they are conducting called the Toward Tomorrow Fair -- or maybe it's not called that.  In any event, it's a big alternative lifestyle get together that has been strongly recommended by some friends who went there last year.  So, on the basis of this recommendation, I talked to Michael & Liz & Bliss & now you, suggesting that we all go.  Have you got other plans for the week end?  I hope not.  Have you heard anything about this affair?

How's your life?  Well, I expect.  Mine is going very nicely, although not simply and I just don't have the energy to describe it in this letter.  Please let me know if you are going to be around that weekend & if you're interested in going to the fair.

December 7, 1976 (Note from Tony)

This will be just a short note to confirm your reservation at the Puritan Lane Hilton for Friday, Dec. 11, 1976 and possibly for Saturday Dec 12-- for a party of two.

I'm sure you'll enjoy our delightful oceanside resort.  Past cards & t-shirts with our insignias will be available at the main desk.  Pleases -- not pets or children.

If you have any special needs which we could arrange to fill please let us know at least two weeks in advance.

October 27, 1976 (Card from Tony)

I got this card because I thought you'd like the picture.  The saying is just drivel so ignore it please.

I hope you had (oops) have a good birthday.

Say, you know what pisses me off?  The post office.  Here I am ending you this card several days (2) before your birthday and I just know that they p.o. will muck it up & get it to you late.  You just can't trust some people to do anything on time.  Well, I wish you a good year & more just the same.

August 4, 1976 (Letter from Tony)

Here I sit in my Colden retreat, stretching time out to at least four times its normal length.  It's only been one week and 5 days since I finished the rather exhausting grind of the New York State Bar Exam.  and yet that experience has passed through the normal holding ponds of recent memory and is now firmly bedded in my long ago past..  I can't recall any other experience I've had which grew so old this quickly.

My position here is a familiar one, yet not one that I am completely comfortably with.  I guess mainly it's the rapid change from being a decision-maker leader in Binghamton to being a well-fed cared for son in Colden which I haven't quite accepted fully.   Not that it's bad, I do so enjoy being here.  But there is a touch of anxiety every now and then.  It's almost sinfully irresponsible to be here relaxing & reading & sleeping & playing & eating.

A portion of that anxiety can be attributed to the uncertainty of my future.  Do you see the incongruity, Paul, where here I am with all my immediate care provided for, being rather dependent & removed from the hustle & bustle "real" world while I sit & contemplate how I'm going to structure my immediate future. I could just go on relaxing here for some time unless that [illegible] propels me into action.  But a life decision made here would tend to be rosy-colored and may not look so fine in the bright light of coming reality.

But I carry on too much on this.  I expect to stay here at least another week, then I'll trek on to Boston by way of Springfield.  My stay will be more certain when I speak to the unemployment people on Tuesday next.  But now I expect I'll be in Springfield Aug 11, Wednesday.  I may stop in Binghamton first or I may do that on the way home.



My blueprint for the near future is this.  I want to get a seasonal job -- full time for 4-5 months. This, surprisingly to me, is not much accepted in the lawyer world.  Anyway, I then would want mid April til October free to do some vegetable growing.  In this period of 6-7 months I'd be working only about 20 hours a week in April-May & then about 10-12 hr/wk thereafter.  I should be able to grow enough vegetables for myself and several others -- and if I fully commit myself I would become a vegetarian & provide most of my food for myself.  Some of my inspiration from the book -- Living the Good Life -- by Helen & Scott Nearing, wherein they describe their 20-year experiment of living on a Vermont farm & providing their year's livelihood in only 6 months.

This would then leave me up to 2 months free time to do some legal work or travel.

The idea of part-time work has always appealed to me.  It remains to be seen if I have the courage and determination to carry it through.  Enough for now.

March 18, 1975 (Letter from Tony)

Well, I almost forgot that I promised to send you directions.  Sorry about that.  Two days after you called Ralph Pearson called me at 8 am and my dim recollection of what happened at that hour of the morning is that he plans to come out here for a few days before you come.  I'm not sure when he'll get here or how long he'll stay but maybe you'll get to see him.

It snowed here last week.  That makes it 3 years in a row and every year they are astounded.  It probably will never snow here again once I leave.

We'll, I'll save my talk for when you're here.  Below are the directions.

I assume that however you go you will end up on 80 coming from Sacramento, or if you come down the coast you can get on 80 in Richmond.  The arrows show a shorter way to get to 580, but just staying on 80 offers the virtue of simplicity, and it's not much longer.  The exit off 580 is MacArthur Harrison St. and it is, I believe, the next exit after 24 comes into 580.  The exit lumps you onto Harrison, which is one way.  You just go down Harrison a couple of blocks to where Oakland and Harrison split (or come together, depending on your philosophy) do a 160 degree turn to get on Oakland and I'm 3/4 block away.

My apt is on the left-hand side, it's a 4 story light green.  Mostly one story buildings are on either side.  As you can see in my nifty picture, it's before you get to any intersecting roads.

Ring door bell #2 -- manager.  They will let you in.  I live downstairs.  As you come into the building, you have to go up some steps, then turn left and go down the hall.  You will pass the managers apartment, smile politely and tell him you've come to visit me.  MY apt is directly below theirs.  So down the stairs, through the green door on your left, past my bathroom and the washer and dryer and that's my door.

As an alternative to coming in the front door, you can come in the side door.  I recommend doing this only at daylight hours.

Go down the alley that is located at the left of the building when you face it.  The alley goes down hill.  There is one door which leads to the gas meters and fuse boxes.  Then a door that is very big and heavy.  Then down some steps and we have the basement door.  Go in, up one flight of stairs and you're back at the green door, beyond which is my bathroom, the washer and dryer and then my door.

You have my home phone.  My number at work is 834-2010 ext 255.  I work Tu & Th 8:30-5 but I may take that week off.

Lastly would you be interested in going to a concert by Franz Breugen, who palsy the recorder.  It's cheap and on East Sunday - March 30.

OK enough, see you soon.

February 24, 1975 (Letter from Tony)

I shall start this letter out with something that has almost become a trademark of my letters, an apology for the lateness in coming.

Let's see now, last I talked to you I wasn't coming to Deer Lodge because the gas tank on the Ford van was leaking.  My, that was a while ago.  After that I had two more weeks of classes.  I flew to Buffalo and stayed there for Christmas, went on to Boston to see the gang there, flew back out here, had my exams, went to Lake Tahoe to gamble and ply in the snow, started classes again, continued working, got a new apartment for $55, a car for $250 and screwed a round a bit.

I am in the midst of my last semester exhilaration.  Strange how it works, when I'm in a situation I like, the last period of time is one of non-enjoyment as I regret the fact I have to leave, e.g., Buffalo and Walla Walla.  However, when I find myself coming to the end of a less than terrific era, e.g., law school, having the end in sight makes my situation much more enjoyable.

I have classes that are conducive to doing work and I am doing work.  Some of the classes are interdisciplinary in nature, law and economics and law and criminology, and this tends to be more enjoyable.  Straight law can be deadly and stifling too.  Straight law school can be much the same.

With my car I can explore more of the state before I leave.  I hope to go to Death Valley while the spring flowers are still blooming.

Come June I know not what I will be doing.  Possibilities abound but certainties are scarce.  My head is turning more definitely toward the Wast, with Boston as the focus.  It shall be a test of patience and discipline for me not to rush into anything.  My preferences are being worked on now. Come on feet, don't fail me now.

How's life progressing in Deer Lodge?  I've been watching the temperatures in Butte and Helena, they've been over 23 much of the time.  How does that compare to Deer Lodge?

I re-read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and I'm just so impressed with that book.  Kesey's description are marvelous.  I'm going to see the play over in S.F. tomorrow.  I doubt that it will top Tom's performance but I thought I'd give it a chance.

Well, I leave off now.  I do apologize for the delay.

October 5, 1974 (Letter from Tony)

The foregoing (photocopied letter) was written awhile ago but I figured I'd send it along just to fill you in a bit.

I'm finding that living alone has a great many advantages.  I now must assume a great responsibility over what I'm doing with my time and my future.   It's very comfortable to have others around to play with whenever one wants, but it can also be very restrictive.   Now I can do things with others if I want to expend some effort, so my social outings are now much more selective and, consequently  consist of doing what I want, when I want to.  I guess I've never felt more free than I do now.  My classes this semester were purposely arranged to fall mainly on Tuesday and Thursday and consist mostly of those subjects that I'll need for the bar exams and haven't as yet taken.  Conceptually, the main three are quite simple and my time can be spent more on the remaining course, Lands Use and Development and the Sanctioning Process.  The latter is almost an undergraduate style course, but with a major paper requirement, Land Use is the most interesting of my courses because it ties in most directly with the city planning area of the law that I expect to go into when I graduate.

This is my last year of school!  Grades now mean less than the little they have meant, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This contributes to my sense of freedom.

I guess it's all the factors mentioned about, plus a certain amount of wisdom gleaned from the Dark Ages of the past two years, which have put me in my present "high on lie" state of mind.  I've been experiencing a joy, that I thought had been lost, in just walking or shopping or talking or being with others, yes, even in studying.  I feel confident that whatever lies in my future, I will be able to appreciate it.  I'm also quite confident that I will get into something I will enjoy as  work, whether by luck or skill or perseverance.   

When I was home I went to Lilydale with my mother, my younger sister Bonnie and Harvey.  I guess that you've heard of the place.  It's a spiritualist colony just outside of Cassadaga.  We were directed to Mrs. Isabel Ferguson by my aunt who used to go there frequently.  I was invited in by Mrs. Ferguson.  She didn't ask my name of any questions, just started out by telling me that she saw that I was going to law school in California.  Her powers of seeing the situation each of us was in at that time is undeniable.  She told Harvey he was looking for a job, saw that he had a former connection to law, etc.  Most impressive.  If her powers of seeing the future are as good then I have another reason for feeling confident.  She told me I'd live long and be very lucky.  She gave me names of people I'd meet etc.  She told Harvey he'd get a job along an ocean coast far from Lilydale.  If old Harv lands a job on the west coast, my future is golden.

Have you ever read any of the works of Celine?  He's a tremendously powerful writer.  I'm reading Death on the Installment Plan and it just sweeps my mind from its mooring in this torrent of dreamlike scenes.

Now then, here's the plan.  I would like to come up to Deer Lodge for a visit around Thanksgiving time.  I'll be looking for a ride up anytime after Nov. 20.  Our vacation is Nov 28 & 29, and with only a few classes being missed, I can extend that to about 1 1/2 weeks.  What's really tempting is the prospect that I could, after Thanksgiving, not come back here, miss only 2 weeks of classes and then not have any commitments until Jan 8, the day for my first final.  More pragmatically  I could come back here by Dec. 1, then fly to Buffalo Dec 12 and stay until Jan 6.  But anyway, let me know if you'll be around Deer Lodge from Nov 20-Dec 1, and if I could come visit OK?

Enough for now.  Take care and write back with your usual promptness.

June 20, 1974 (Letter from Tony)

Now I'm ready to write you a good letter.  My letter-writing was put on hold about 2 months ago as the end of the school year drew near and my creative energy faded away.  My exams were no big thing, but I find law school and the particular social relationships I've developed (or not developed) to be rather stifling.  My response to that is to move into an apartment by myself next year  and work hard first semester and then have only Tuesday and Thursday classes my second and last semester   So much for the distant future. 

Actually the character of events I was involved in in Berkeley was on the upbeat, but my mind set was such that I was not responding as fully as I would like.

I'm now into my annual summer coasting period, this year the place is Walla Walla, Washington.  I'm working with Prison Legal Services in the maximum security prison.  Let me back up a bit so you can grasp the fortuity of the events which led me to Walla Walla.  Before I do that, I'll back up a bit more and tell you about the visit of Michael and Liz.

Just about a month ago I was rushing through my studying as I could be done on the Wednesday before my exams started because that was then M & L were to come.  I had substantially completed my reading when they showed up.  It was really good to see Michael.  His cheerfulness is infectious.  It wasn't quite as good to see Liz.  Although she came across as being friendlier this time than at any other time I have been around here, she still has the knack of making people feel uneasy far too often.

I'm not sure if it's just that she is so incredibly jealous about Michael and anyone else or if she is always this way, even when she and Michael are alone.  I'm more and more convinced that she's always the abrupt, petulant little girl trying to be so serious and often stepping on the toes, unnecessarily, of those around her.

What puzzles me somewhat is why Michael is attracted to her.  Actually I can think of a number of reasons but none of them seem sufficient.

I'm firmly of the opinion that Michael should not marry her, that Liz has been and continues to be the major driving force behind their plans to get married, and her compulsion derives somehow from her Catholic upbringing.

While they were out here, they went to Sausalito to go shopping.  Liz's idea.  They went to a jewelry store to look at rings.  Liz's idea.  There was a $150 ring that fit Michael, although they had previously "decided" not to spend money on wedding rings, it was Liz's idea that Michael buy the ring.  Michael agonized all afternoon, going into the store, walking back to the car, hitting his head again the steering wheel, and then repeating the cycle. In the end Liz won out and Michael bought the ring.

I feel sorry for Michael on their wedding day.  I'm sure her parents are going to press for a major affair.

Michael can bring much happiness to those around him, he deserves someone better suited to his needs than Liz.  Well, I got a little carried away there.  I am still not sure what I should do, I'm tempted to write Michael a letter and explain why I don't think he should get married to Liz.  But that may only offend him, and would surely offend her and the chances of it accomplishing anything are quite slim.  But I think I must, as a friend.

Now then, on to cheerier things.  At lunch one day during exams Bill Chang, a friend and fellow law student, mentioned that he was driving to Seattle because he had a summer job there and he was looking for someone to come along because it's a long ride.  (20 hours by car.)  I like the idea of seeing Oregon and Washington so I said I'd like to.  We left on June 2, and had a very fine drive up.

For all my time in California I have been bothered by the weather, the rain and fog and cold in the winter and the lack of rain during the summer were just too unlike Buffalo and Colden for me to appreciate.  One day I asked Molly, a woman who lived in the same house I was living in, how she could stand the grass dying and the hills turning brown in the summer.  She looked surprised and said "I always thought they turned golden."  Oh wow.

Anyway, on my way up north I finally was able to take in the beauty of the hills and the dark green oak greets and the clear blue sky.  It certainly is what's "natural" there even if it didn't meet my expectations.

We drove up near the coast through Oregon and Washington.  The Coastal range reminded me of the Appalachians back East.  Extremely pretty, green tree-covered, gentle hills and mountains.

It was raining when we drove into Seattle.  And it continued for the next two days.  Bill was a big glum about moving to a city where he knew no one and he was a bit apprehensive about his job.  I decided that Seattle might be a decent place to live for a summer and I knew I would enjoy living with Bill.

I went to the placement office at the Univ of Wash law school and could find only one interesting sounding job, with Prison Legal Services.  I was eligible for work-study and they wanted someone on work study.  So I called them up, they said come in this afternoon for an interview and I did and they said you've got a job if you want it but the first part of the summer you'll have to go to Walla Walla.  I thought about that overnight.  Bill went to work that day and found the job to be quite easy with several very nice people working there.  And we had found him a fine studio apartment.  That plus the fact that Walla Walla sounded like it was quite different from any place I've ever lived led me to accept the job.  I was to fly to Walla Walla the next day with one of the attorneys coming to Walla Walla for some big thing.

That evening Bill and I went up the space needle just before sunset.  Mt. Rainier, even though it was 90 miles away, was huge and snow-covered.  The Olympic Mountains, quite substantial ones to my surprise, were between Seattle and the ocean and it was over them that the sun set.  It was just tremendous.

The next morning I flew from Seattle on Cascade Airlines.  Cascade is smaller than Mohawk was.  It schedules no flights on Saturday   0.  Walla Walla has been very pleasant and relaxing.  It's well irrigated and has trees but not much in the way of excitement.  I flew back to Oakland to get my clothes etc.  While I was there I scoured all the used book stores in Berkeley and bought 4 of the books you recommended.  So far I've read A Cool Million and What I'm Going to Do I Think.  I liked the early chapters of A Cool Million, it got to be a bit too much after that.  The second book I enjoyed very much.  He was able to capture many of the emotions I've felt but never have heard described.  The other two are At Play in the Fields of the Lord and The Journal of Albion Moonlight.  I'll be working here until Aug 10th or so, then head back to Colden, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Albany, Boston, and New York.  I'm thinking of getting an Ameripass from Greyhound, I could travel by bus for 1 month.  It costs $189 and would get me back and forth and all around.  Let me know when you graduate and where you'll be between Aug 10th and Sept 1.  See you soon.

March 26, 1974 (Letter from Tony)

These past few weeks I've felt very much like I'm running on a treadmill, and I have to keep running faster and faster just to keep in place.  But I have finally gained control again and am in the process of consolidation.

Law school, and I'm talking in broad terms - -including my entire existence at this time, has been a very strange experience but one that I'm appreciating more and more as time goes by.  I guess I'm like a guy learning how to sail, and I could manage pretty well in the port of Buffalo, but now I'm out on an ocean and I've never done much long distance navigating.  I have to learn how to follow the stars, picking out the ones that are important for me.  That I must make all the daily decisions, and that these have such an impact on my future are not new ideas, but I never realized as clearly as I do now what my responsibilities are.  Coasting along heedlessly  moving where the wind will take me, was an art to be developed at Buffalo.  Now I'm trying to marshall my skills so that I can assume my own direction, even if it means moving into the teeth of a gale.

I get somewhat confused between short-term, daily events, and long-term lifetime pursuits.  That life ins a seres of conflicts to be resolved or avoided is not a very enticing characterization, but perhaps it's true, at least in our Western society.  It's become apparent to me that Freud preached nothing but a new religion, to be accepted one faith, or rejected.  There is no psychology in Asia except that forced on them by Europeans.  They have only a philosophy or religion, and they emphasize harmony and oneness. Only in a culture based on strife could Freud postulate that our minds work "as if" there were three parts, ego, id, and superego.  And countless others could form theories emphasizing insecurity over sex or territoriality.  Pick whichever one you desire, believe in it, act on it, but never become convinced that  it's the "right" path, the vanity of evangelists is so astounding to me.  I saw "Elmer Gantry" on TV a while ago, I enjoyed it despite the contempt I felt for their beliefs or righteousness.

It's a beautiful rainy, drizzly day here in the Oakland hills.  I've moved to this new address 6843 Broadway Terrace, Oakland Calif, 94611.  Chris and Ed, my old roommates, moved to Concord, 30 miles from here because Ed works there.  The room I'm in here was occupied by a young man who got his M.A. in engineering in December and is now touring Europe.  This place is a very comfortable house.  My housemates are all 2nd year law students who lived in Manville, as I did for the 1st semester of our 1st year.  3 of the 4 are very relaxed and congenial as we all get along very well.  The 4th is loud, obnoxious and has the maturity of a 7 year old.  Getting along with him takes a major effort.

We are currently on our spring break.  I had some wild dreams about going to Mexico on the Grand Canyon but financial reasons, and the charm of staying here, in my house, with the fireplace, without the obnoxious roommate, all combined to influence my decision, so I stayed here.  I did go to Mt. Tamalpais and Muir Woods (redwood preserve) for a short camping trip but since then I've left this property only 3 times in 4 days.  Once I went to the store, another time I went to play basketball, and third time was to get some books from school.

I'm into one of my "knowledgeable" moods.  I am excited about reading fiction, history, psychology  anthropology, etc.  I get somewhat frustrated at the slowness of absorbing everything I wish I could, an din time this will temper my enthusiasm.  That seems to be the sort of process most of my feelings go through.  I guess it's pretty basic.

I hope you're doing OK.  When does spring come to Pittsburgh?

Have you seen American Graffiti?  I thought it was tremendous.  The actions of the people in Colden-Springville were somewhat different than those shown in the movie, but the characters themselves were very much the same as people I grew up with.

I just read Miss Lonelyhearts and Day of the Locust.  I enjoyed the first very much, perhaps it raised my expectations too much because although I liked Locust I was a bit disappointed with it. Any more recommendations on what I should read?

December 11, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

This will be just a short letter.  I just want to let you know I'm still alive and well and will be back East over Christmas.  I'm flying out of here Dec 15 (I hope) and going to NYC.  I shall visit my sister there for a time, then drive her car to Colden and probably stop in Troy or Syracuse on the way to see Jerry.  I would like to see Boston and all the people there (well, some of the people there) but I doubt that I will have the time or money.

I'll be in Colden until Jan 3, fly to NYC and then back here.  (I wouldn't really be terribly surprised if one of these flights were cancelled, what with the fuel shortage, TWA strike, PSA strike, etc.)

What are you doing over vacation?  If you are in N.Y. Dec 15-18, I'll be at my sisters, 339 Beach 92nd St., Rockaway Beach N.Y. 11693.  Phone # 212/634-2396.

After that, I'll be in Colden and area, probably, until I leave and you have my address and phone # there.

I've been studying a lot, working in S.F. as a volunteer of a civil rights group, going to some movies (The Delicate Balance, Klute, etc.) and even the Nutcracker Suite Ballet and the Messiah.  It's been good, and getting better.

It's been a while since I wrote, and telling you all the details would take too long, so I'll just stop here and fill you in when I see you in Warren or Colden or Buffalo or NYC or Pittsburgh of wherever.

October 29, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

Thank you my friend, for the birthday card and the thought.  And naturally I return the thought.

It's good to hear that you are active.  It's strange, I had just begun to look for a job in order to keep myself moving.  My momentum in my classes has begun to slow, I hope to raise my excitement level by doing something more immediately gratifying than studying law.

I've been studying less of late and playing more.  My tennis game is improving slowly, my frisbee throwing was worked on today, and I've even been getting cultured.  I saw the Cleveland Quarter (artists in Residence at SUNY at Buffalo) a couple of weeks ago.  And then I saw a mechanical music concert that featured early 20th century music instruments, music boxes, calliopes, player pianos, and a piano player accompanying the film The Great Train Robbery.  It was really enjoyable. 

And then Friday I went in S. F. to get my papers served in my small claims action against the charter flight company that screwed up my Christmas flight home last year.  I guess I picked a real winner because when I gave the sheriff the papers he was to serve, he started laughing.  I thought it was over my cleverly worded statement of the case, but in reality he was laughing because the guy I'm suing is notorious.  A lot of people have been suing him and even if they win in court, there has to be some way to get the money from the guy.  And they maintain 8 bank accounts and you have to know which one your check goes into.  that's pretty discouraging, I guess I won't get my money.  Small claims court probably was a good idea when it was first set up, but today it's such a hassle to get a claim started and then get your money that most people don't even bother and these merchants, landlord, etc can get away with taking hundreds of dollars.  It's really a crummy set-up. 

Have you heard of the American Film Theater series?  It's a series of 8 plays films in N.Y. with really fine actors and actresses and then shown in theaters all over the country for 2 nights.  I'm going to see the first in the series, The Iceman Cometh.



Someday soon I'm going to start school work again.  I have a couple of papers I could be working on, but there won't be anythng urgent for awhile.  I can't wait until I'm dealing with people in real-life situations, rather than with hypotheticals.

Have you heard from Ralph?  I'm goign to try to write to him c/o Cornell Hotel Mangement School and see if I get any reply.

Well, I'm about trhough for tonight.  What are you doing over Christmas vacation?  When do you ahve yours.  I'jm flying to NYC Dec 15 and coming back Jan 5.  I'll be in Colden most of that time.

Yes, Paul, we both have been through a lot this past year.  It's like I'm riding on a roller coaster and I have some control over where and how fast I'm going.  Sometimes I'm moving along very slow.  And then I may speed up to the point that I'm just barely in control, things happen quickly and my life is on the brink of breaking down into chaos.  And then there are times, like last year, when after I've decided I can take the ride down the big drop, I go out of control, just sort of thrown back, finding it hard to breathe, and just riding it out until I hit the bottom and go around that inevitable curve that slows it down slowly so I am still in control.  If the hill isn't too big, I can take the gamble, go over and maintain myself through the excitement.  But every now and then I take a chance and end up out of control.  I feel that now I'm picking up speed after the slowdown which followed last year's precipitous delcline.  I'm eager to test where the brink is.

Good night, hang tough. 

October 10, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

Yes, here I am at last, the wayward Western wanderer finally writing.  Thank you for your letter for I usually do need a small push to help over come my inertia.

It certainly is a shame that education at college-level and higher cannot be somewhat more stimulating than it is.  I can rationalize some of the drudgery as a means to the end of developing discipline and bringing my expectations of my life down to manageable goals, but it does seem that they go a bit overboard in laying on the tedium.  Certainly my last year here at Boalt was not an enjoyable one, but it was also far from unproductive.

Since I had a lot of time  this past summer to re-think on what had gone on, I was able to prepare myself much better for this year and also for what lies ahead in my life.

You ask if I noticed a moodiness on your part.  I had to laugh, for I felt that many hours of this past summer, which were part of my re-evaluation, found me to be almost anti-social, or at least far from talkative or friendly.  During our trip to Spread Eagle this mood of mine was quite strong.  I realized that my quietness had a somewhat deleterious effect on the social situation I was in, but I was in no "mood" to adjust my behavior.

Well, anyway, my 1st year of law school is now history, and with the wisdom gleaned from that year I have vowed never to allow myself to drop into such a depressed mental state again.  Those attributes you are working to maintain, a sense of humor being the chief one, were lost by me for lengthy periods of time and were not firmly established again until the end of the semester.

So far this school year has been very enjoyable.  I've been doing things, such as backpacking in Yosemite, visiting the ocean, walking around a redwood grave, spending a day out in the country, etc.  And I've been reading non-law books, such as Jung and my art books, several of which I bought out here at a used book store.

I'm living with 2 non-law students and that is working out quite well.  Neither of them is going to school, they both work.

My courses are 75% good.  I have one dud course, but Bob Padia and I alternate attending class and I only have to face that once a week.  My 3 other classes are really fine, the material is interesting and the teachers are all eminently knowledgeable and quite effective as teachers.  It was one of these courses, Psychoanalytical Jurisprudence, that was the motivating factor that got me started in Jung. (see earlier comment on inertia)  I have a fairly light credit load and I'm staying away from such traditional law courses as Tax and Estates and Trusts.  My interests certainly do not lie in those areas and what little help they would be to me is outweighed by the dullness of the material and the effort required to maintain in the classes.

I just got back from a performance of the Cleveland Quartet, a group that succeeded the Budapest Quartet as artists in residence at SUNY at Buffalo in 1971.  Have you ever heard of them?  I didn't until just recently.  The performance was excellent, they did some traditional pieces by Haydn and Beethoven and also some more unusual compositions by Ives and Slonimsky.

Cal has an excellent selection of musical events on campus which I took advantage of last year and will do so again this year.

I got food stamps this week that along with a $600 grant, a $1,500 loan and my California residency should allow me to manage the experience this year.  However, I appear almost certain that I must find a job for next summer.

I'll close now; write. soon.

July 5, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

From the top of the Pine Mountain Ski Jump

Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it?  I'm in Colden, living the good life (i.e., the lazy life).  I decided against going to Colorado and now an interested in going to Warren.

I'll try to set things out in chronological order.  Exams took up my last 2 months in Berkeley.  I did a good deal of studying, Be in the library and only the presence of some friends there with me saved me form total isolation.  Hard times really do bring people closer together and we provided entertainment for each other.  I did OK on the exams.  I won't find out for sure what I got until August.

Our last exam was June 2, an looking back at it, that seems very long ago and very strange.  I never really got to feeling like Berkeley was my home.  My worlds are built around people, and places take on meaning only by my going through experiences there.  Walking across the U.B. campus was exciting because I could think of all the many things that happened there.  I guess this past year was a necessary base-building year both with people and with the location itself.  I certainly hope I can move more actively toward establishing my world out there next fall, it's got a long way to go.

Anyway, I left June 5 in a station wagon with 5 other people and 2 dogs.  It took us 2 1/2 days to get to NYC.  I really enjoyed the trip, I had enough time to sleep and sightsee and even though we went US80 across there were things to see.  Wyoming and a sunset in Nebraska were high points, also seeing green hills with trees growing when we got into Indiana and Illinois.

Dale, Barb, Tony at Lake Spread Eagle

I stayed at my sister's and we did many good and expensive things.  We saw "A Streetcar Named Desire" in Lincoln Center, ate in a fancy restaurant, rode the subways, etc. etc.  I really enjoyed it, my sister is very good at entertaining me when I go visit her.  Of course she enjoys it too, she usually doesn't spend her money so lavishly.

I called Maddy and saw her one day.  She was supposed to play in a tournament and I was going to go watch her.  Unfortunately, the one she had been entered in was held the week before.   So on the way back we were thinking of things to do and we decided to go to Boston.  So, I stayed a few more days in Brooklyn at Rose's, until she got called for a flight to London, and then Maddy and I went up to Boston to see Michael and Liz and Harvey.  It was a good time.  I'll give you the details when I see you.  I then went back to Brooklyn for a few more days and finally after getting a somewhat frantic call from Jim Holmes I came to Buffalo by bus.  I was at this time still planning on going to Colorado with Holmes.  I came to Colden for a day, for Father's day and my mother's birthday.  Then I spent a week working with Holmes to get him ready.  He leads a very complicated life, and he had been working for 4 weeks getting things ended up and was not nearly done.  He's going to be a visiting prof next year at South Carolina and in Australia so he had to finish things in Buffalo.  He had to rent his house, paint it, sell his furniture, pack for the trip, pack for South Carolina, clean up, get his horse ready, rent his horse trailer, fix his truck, etc. etc. etc.  After a week I said I've had it.  It was much too complicated a situation for me.  I had agreed to go on a vacation, not spend half my summer finishing up Holmes' loose ends.  Also, I had reservation about getting along with him for an extended length of time.  He is very domineering and I, although, quite passive, can only take so much.  The deciding factor was Colden.  I hadn't been here much since I went to U.B. and I missed it.  My mother was quite sick this past winter with bronchitis (that was the preliminary diagnosis from her hospital stay in March) I figured it would be a good idea to be around to do the heavy work she normally does.  And finally, I wanted time to visit my friends.

Paul in his Penelec hardhat

While I was in Buffalo, I saw some people and it was good.  One day I was walking down Main St. and Tom Szczesny came riding by on his bike.  It was good to see him.  He's contemplating going to Berkeley in the fall.  Later that day, in Park Edge, I ran into Jeff Greenwald.  They were both nice surprises.

I have been out here for almost a week now and it's quite pleasant.  It's been awhile since I've been as relaxes as I am now, certainly not since last August.

I'm planning a bike trip to Warren Pa. via Lake Chautauqua to see Ralph.  What days do you have off?  Would any particular time be more convenient than the rest?  Could I stay at your house?  Please send answers with your reply letter.

Kenny and Lauren's wedding

Clockwise from lower right

Herb Kleinberger, Tony Szczygiel, Eric Barr, Paul Nelson, Kenny Tuchman

Are you going to Kenny's wedding?  I'm planning on going, it would be nice if we could go there together.

Well, that's enough for now.  Write back soon.  Anytime you fell like coming up, please do.  You have my address here, the phone # is 716-941-3292.  I shall be seeing you soon.  Take care.

May 14, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

I'm trying to work out a standardized letter opening, apologizing for not having written sooner.  Well, I haven't got it down, and I've written a few, trying to catch up for my laxness for most of this semester.

So what's new, you may ask.  Not much I would reply.  I'm into my finals stretch run.  Today was my last day of classes, my 1st year of law school is almost over.   No more classes.  It's really pretty exciting.  I now have to apply your two watchwords, patience and discipline to the utmost.  I decided about a month ago I had to start really working and I can say pretty proudly that I have done so.  Now, if I can keep it up, at a high level of intensity, for the next 3 weeks., I shall be satisfied and probably pretty knowledgeable.  This is only the second time I've ever been in a position that I wanted to put forth an extended effort, the first time being when I was working at Sunshine House, trying to get a house for us.  And this time it's much more intensive and I have to be much more self-motivated.  My somewhat lackadaisical philosophy on life has not had to respond with a concerted effort before and I must admit there were some transitional pains, but then I guess these must accompany most changes.  Life, and the way of living it are as one chooses, is based very much on how much of that pain a person wants to go through, how much he thinks the results are worth.

I've managed to keep some form of sanity by doing enough things outside of law school.  I've been to a number of the parks around here, been going to some concerts, most classical music concerts, I've gone to two major league baseball games and that's about it, at least since spring break.

My sister Rose, who was out here a week before spring break, is now an airline stewardess stationed in N.Y. flying TWA International flights.  While she was out her ewe traveled all over.  We had a rented car, and used it.  We managed to get to Yosemite, and stayed overnight, it snowed about 6 inches, we saw a bear that was 20 feet away, and in general were very much impressed by the place.  It's just magnificent.

Both of these vacation were very welcome, about that time I was into my mid-semester slump and was feeling pretty depressed.  My reaction to all the changes I've encountered out here hasn't been very good I really was bothered by many things, I would get depressed, lose confidence and patience, etc.  Coming from my very comfortable life in Buffalo, I wasn't prepared to have to fend for myself and my laziness added to the tendency to just sort of drift along the path of least resistance.  I now feel more in control, I just hope I can keep it together though finals.

This summer I'm going to travel to Colorado with Jim Holmes, my old econ professor at UB, and go horse back riding in the mountains, then move on to the mountains of Northern California for some more sigh-seeing, and we might possibly make it up to Alaska.  The trip sounds exciting, the only problem is that Holmes at times is somewhat overbearing and that I will have to put up with.

It certainly is good to hear of your good fortune.  Things certainly are moving along nicely.  My parents and I went down to the Kinzua Dam once, it's in a great location.  Despite all the beauty and breathtaking areas around here, my favorite area still is western N.Y. and northern Pa.  The trees, hills, greenness and freshness are what I grew up with and I've seen nothing like it anywhere out here, and I do miss it.  Well, I've come to the end of this letter, take care.  I'll be going back to Buffalo shortly after June 2, and we'll start our trip from there.  Hope to see you on the way out.

November 22, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

I'm sitting here in Laguna Beach, Calif.  It's Tuesday so the Cottage Restaurant is closed.  Can you imagine that.  I cam down here just to eat there and ask the people if they know Paul Nelson and they are closed on Tuesdays.

The sun is shining here, it's just beautiful weather.  You already know the scenery.

I came down to Newport Beach with a friend who lives in Manville.  His father owns a very small beach house there.  I was just going to come down for the weekend to get out of Berkeley and law school and the dorms and to get myself refreshed.  Then, I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner in LaHabra, part of L.A. buy a girl whose parents are going to Arizona.  So, a group of people from the  dorm are coming down for that.

Well, I decided to stay down here for these 3 school days so that I could have a real vacation.  And it's been really nice.

Tim and I drove down here Saturday and it seemed like it took a couple of weeks.  We got stoned and were just driving and driving.

Sunday and Monday we went to the beach for awhile and relaxed the rest of the time.  Tim flew back last night so I now have his truck to drive around and place to stay by the beach.

Berkeley has been going along at not a particularly good pace.

There have been some fine moments but there are too many bothersome little things, like living in the dorm, having to work, which gets frustrating because a lot of what we are learning is garbage, and lastly, having to  (we interrupt this letter to bring you a public service renouncement.  A shifty eyed, probably Community leaning, freak has stolen a red pen, and acting nervous, please call your local police department.  Thank you.  We now return to you letter, already in progress) be so very analytical and literal minded.  I guess the basic problem is one of discipline.  I'm working on it, and anyway, there are only 3 weeks left in this semester.

What are you doing over Christmas?  I sure would like to see you.  I've been very slow about writing you but there are many things I want to talk to you about.  I'm flying to Chicago on a charter flight, going to Columbus to see my sister Rose, then flying to Buffalo.  I should get there by Dec. 20.  Will you still be around there?  I'm looking forward to seeing whoever is left in Buffalo.

Do you remember Nancy, the girl who was part of my wine parties in Buffalo?  Well, anyway, she drove to San Diego to see some friends of here and today they are coming up here.  It will be good.

I've been disappointed by my ability to adapt so far.  I think I'm being too harsh on myself.  I know it will take time to build up relationships like I had in Buffalo.  I fell that hits vacation will be a turning point; I've spent some time reordering my mind and deciding on courses of action.

Patience and discipline are still my keys.  I've lost of lot of my patience and I never did have much discipline.  Ha.

I've come up with this analogy about what's been going on.  You see, it's like light waves.  Each person admits these, and it's a function of their internal state as to how intense these emanations are.  A laser is incredibly powerful because all is in harmony, the purpose and discipline are there.  Right now I feel like I'm giving off varying intensities, at times it's fairly pure, at other times the waves get out of synchronization and the various saves, rather than reinforcing each other, merely interfere.  That leads to frustration. At this point I feel like it's getting stronger.  I realize I am possessed of more potential now that ever before.  I need the strength to control and direct it.  Well, I just go.  I hope to see you in a few weeks.  Let me know what you'll be going.

September 3, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

It has been a long time, my friend and I have much to tell you.

I am in Berkeley, California and have been since Thursday. Tomorrow I move into my dorm room and another year of school begins.  I want to say that it's hard to believe but that just isn't true.  I've been out here mentally since Aug 13, the day after Jerry's and my car died.

All summer long I knew I would be leaving but it wasn't a reality.  I was very much involved in Buffalo, Gowanda, Springville, etc., on a day to day basis, but nonetheless it was my existence; thinking of changing it just was an abstraction.  All my needs were being satisfied, or at least enough of them that I was perfectly content, a point I shall elaborate on later.

On the day I left for New York, the Friday before the 13th, Jerry and I woke up at 9am and I was going to drive him to work.  (He had a second job with an architectural firm in Buffalo.)  We had gotten in from Gowanda and our going away party there about 5 am.  Jerry said he would ride my bike to work, I could go back to sleep and he would have a way home.  I said OK and went back to sleep.  I finally got up and left Buffalo with my two riders about 2, and drove to Harvey's house.  Saturday he and I visited Elise and Marty, Janet (Harvey's flame for the summer and Elise's best friend), Kenny and Janet, Harvey and I drove in to see Tom Rush in Central Park.  The concert was very nice and driving to Manhattan was tremendous.  I really got into the role of a New York driver.  Anyway, on Sunday on the way back, our gleaming beauty ran through more oil than ever before and after 170 miles of driving it was low enough for the engine to seize up.  Totaled.  It cost $31 to have it towed, the tower was really a bastard.  Enough of the sordid details from that end.

I called Jerry to tell him.  Actually I had called Sunshine House and they got in touch with him and I called him back there.  So eh already knew before I talked to him.  When I started to tell him, he cut in ad said, "Tony first of all I want to tell you that your bike was ripped off."  I started to laugh hysterically.  The only two things of any value that I owned and in one weekend they disappear.

Jerry had felt very badly about having the bike stolen while he had it.  He had locked it and put it on the front porch of the place he worked on Elmwood Ave.  He had tried to figure out how he could make it up to me and he decided he would give me his half of the car.  So when I called and we told each other what happened we were more relieved than upset.  I had felt badly about the car and he had felt badly about the bike.  But it all evened out.

Up until this point, I hadn't been ready to leave Buffalo.  I was very anxious about leaving.  After that it was much easier.  That car provided the theme for the summer, with it gone, my mind was ready to think about life out here and my body finally arrived a week and a half later.

It was exciting to make all new plans and get everything reorganized.  I spent a day walking from Springville to Gowanda along Cattaraugus Creek, through Zoar Valley.  It wasn't as nice as it sounds because it rained but it was enjoyable.

Now, with the preliminaries out of the way, I shall get down to the serious part of my letter.

The week before I went to New York, my sister Rose's husband attempted suicide.  They hadn't been living together since March, but things had started looking better the last month when suddenly Kim snapped.  He took half a bottle of aspirin.  He was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for a while, he refused to cooperate with the doctors, he was released.  He went back to the room he had been staying in.  One day he telephoned my sister and told her some voices in his head told him to burn her car but that he wouldn't do that because he was too rational.  A few days later, a fire broke out in Kim's room, destroying most of his clothes, his books and records.  He escaped unharmed.  No one was sure what started the fire.  Kim went back in as a patient at the  hospital.  He was given electric shock treatment.  My sister, as a nurse, had worked on a psychiatric ward previously and had seen the effect of electric shocks.  Now this man she had lived with for a year, learned to share with and depend on, was going through that treatment.  She could envision him convulsing on the table.  And she knew that very few of the patients she had worked with had been helped by this method.  It is somewhat of a last ditch attempt.

Rose had been thinking of getting an annulment for some time, she had felt, however, extremely guilty about doing so.  She felt some responsibility for making her marriage work, even now.  And the worst part was that she began to wonder, why had the marriage not worked, what had caused Kim to become so distant, so withdrawn, what had pushed him to commit suicide and led him to the state he was in now.  What part had she, as the closest, by far the closest, person to him played in this tragedy.

I went down to visit her on the 20th.  I had planned a long time ago to stop there on my way out to Calif with my car, then when my car died and I heard about what was happening I flew down to be with her for 4 days.

I had suggested a divorce to her a long time ago, at that time she was very much opposed.  Now, with so many things changed, she had decided to file for an annulment.  The major reason was that Kim's parents were coming up from Louisville to take him back and commit him to a private institution.  There is an Ohio state law that prohibits any separation, annulment or divorce from a person committed to a mental institution, for a period of 4 years.  If Kim were to improve, they might possibly be able to get back together.  If not, she would have to wait 4 years.  (It is 7 years in N.Y.)

The day after I left, Friday Aug 24, Rose filed for the annulment.  It cost $300.  The next day Kim's parents took him to Louisville where everything had been set up and he was committed.  Rose went down the next Monday to see him. That day a blood vessel in Kim's brain burst and Kim died.  A memorial service was held the next night, Kim was then cremated.  Rose never saw him after he died. When I talked to her, she felt numb, a lack of feeling rather than anything else.  This was three days before he had died.  Rose went back to Columbus because she just couldn't stand being around Kim's mother.  That woman had been hysterical.  On sympathy cards sent to her and her husband, she crossed out "son" and put her name there.

Paul, when I left after those 4 days down there, I was really depressed.  There was almost nothing I could do for Rose, and she was going through such hell.  All summer had been so hard for her and then, after a ray of hope, everything crashed down on her.  My god, how much pain can a person be expected to endure.

A long time ago Rose and I had talked about suicide and she had said that if a person could look ahead and see more pain than happiness then she saw suicide as a viable alternative.  I just hope she has enough life left in her that she wants to continue fighting on.

She's been working 40 hours a week and the job of a nurse isn't a very cheery one.  That has been of minor importance but this long drawn out suffering has soured that even more and tinged everything else in her lie.  She was quite cynical when I visited, she didn't trust many people, she couldn't enjoy many things.

And her question and the one I put to you is WHY?

WHY did she have to go through this.

WHY did Kim, an intelligent, young, healthy man go insane and then die.

I can only shrug my shoulders and ascribe it to bad luck.  There is a possibility for disaster every moment of one's life.  I must accept it and to some extent forget it.

I have been on my own out here and I've been extremely excited about conquering new worlds, on my own.  Yet at any time, my frailty and insignificance could overwhelm me and then, what of my little triumphs.

I refuse to dwell on that because I have no answers, not even a hope of seeing the answer.  I would be most interested to hear your views.

I am now actually quite happy and bursting with confidence.  I fell primed to handle anything normal that comes my way.  My creativity is merely waiting for a channel and I'm sure it will soon come up.  Buffalo was a little too comfortable this past summer.

This is the theme I was running through my mind this afternoon as I was walking around Berkeley.  This letter is getting rather long but I want to get this last part down and then I'll end.

I had, in 4 years, established myself in Buffalo to such an extent that I had no dreams.  You mentioned the idea of living your dreams.  Well, I guess my last 5 months in Buffalo, I had no more dreams to strive for.  I was very happy to live my day to day existence.  I had many friends around and man y people I respected.

In you, Jerry, Michael, Joanie, Dr. Holmes, and John in Springville I had around me people that I admired and was learning from.  I was, again, content to absorb all these good influences and work 3 days and entertain myself the other 4.  And things were set up so that I didn't have to look for entertainment.  I had everything right there.  There were always people, friends, to party with.

All the patterns had been worked out, their needs and mine were pretty clear and understood.  The people I wanted round me the most were around me the most.

You, with your individuality and personal philosophy, Jerry, with his sharp mind and impressive manner, Michael, with his lightness and simple enjoyment energy, Joanie, with her strength and her gregarious personality, Holmes, with this scientific and somewhat cynical approach to life, and John with his creativity and a really basic enjoyment of himself, had the qualities that I felt I lacked or was weak in.  I watched, listened and shared with these people, now I am no longer a student in the classroom; now is the time for me to synthesize all these things into my own shape.

Of course I had tried all these things in Buffalo, but I had been limited by the very structure I had spent so much time building.

Old habits persisted, expectations on both sides had been established and the surroundings were too comfortable, I had pretty much attained all I wanted or hoped to in Buffalo.

Now I am in a place with no established social structure around me.  I shall in the next three years build on, and it is up to me to design it, and I am looking forward to that eagerly.  It will be a test, a challenge.

I have started a journal to record what happens and how I fell and also to serve as a reminder for when I start to ease up.  I fell very well organized, even physically.  All my belongings are here in 2 suitcases and a back pack or else in the attic of 75 LeBrun.  All I need is here with me.  Mentally I feel sharp and confident and I have so far kept the newness and strangeness as a positive tool rather than as a scary destructive force.  I feel very much in control of the situation.

I've been pacing myself, giving me time for reflection and organizing and dreaming.  You see, now I can dream again.

And these dream can be more ambitious than any that I ever had before and I have 34 years here to fulfill them and then on to another set.  I would like to somehow keep this newness around me, but realistically I see it fading and being replaced by the somewhat more staid feeling of familiarity.

Perhaps I can learn to use accomplishments as fuel to fire my dreams, but that might also lead to disappointment.

Well, we'll see how it turns out.  I have been somewhat spoiled by my good luck, I have usually had the right thing come up without having to push for it.  If, again, I can transfer that to a basis of confidence from which I can move up, I shall be very pleased.

It looks to be an exciting time ahead.  Write and tell me what happened at the closing scenes of the "Cottage Story".  That position you were in seemed a lot like mine in Buffalo.

I talked to Ralph just before I left.  He still wasn't sure what he was going to be up to after Chautauqua closed.  maybe he's in Florida working in a hotel.  Maybe he's bicycling around the world.  At last report Herbie was doing much better.  I have to write to him soon.

July 31, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

I'm sitting here on the porch of the Help Center in Gowanda, it's extremely hot and muggy, but we have some broad shade trees, and a nice breeze is blowing through and I feel rather comfortable. 

Time has been racing by.  My summer is drawing to a close and with that, my stay in Buffalo.  I'm going to miss this part of the country.  I know I'll be coming back for vacation but then I'll just be a visitor.  Now I have all the friends and places that have become important to me over the last four years.  Knowing that these will soon be memories, and long distance relationships is pretty sad.

I am trying to maintain a positive frame of mind but it definitely is tempered with sadness.  I am getting psyched up for my trip out there.  I hope to be able to drive Jerry's and my car out.  Jerry may come with me if he gets an interview set up with International University which is somewhere near San Diego.  He's wanting to go there fits in very nicely with a stop in Laguna Beach.  I expect to leave here on Aug 20 and I have to be in Berkeley by Sept 5.

I am now sitting on top of a cliff in Zoar Valley.  It's so incredibly beautiful here.  There are some hawks soaring, they are truly magnificent.

Getting back to my travel plans, would you still be in Laguna Beach around Aug 28-30?  I know that's pretty late if you intent to hitchhike back here.  My route out there will probably be a directly line to Durango, Colorado.  I dont' have all that much time so I'll probably push it from here, across the Plains, until I get into the mountains.  Dr. Jim Homes, the eco professor I worked with has a cabin in the mountains near Durango.  I want to stop by there, from there go on to the Grand Canyon, then down to San Diego and Laguna Beach.  Maybe we could meet in Durango or at the Grand Canyon and spend a few days together.

(I just discovered that this really isn't a 500 ft cliff, it's nothing but a giant anthill.  So goddamn many ants around here.)

I'm going down to see Ralph at Chautauqua today.  I haven't seen him or spoken to him since early June when he stopped by on his way down there.

I went home again last week.  It was very nice again.  One thing bothered me though, that was I regress when I go there, going back at least partially to the sort of actions and ways of thinking that I had when I lived there four years ago.  It's distressing to realize that is still part of me.  I definitely want to try to work that out in the time I have remaining here.  A lot of insecurities that aren't apparent or even relevant other places, came up there.

I saw Michael Kanter two weeks ago.  He came up for a week.  He had a pretty good time in Europe and was in good spirits.

Work in Gowanda has improved.  In the beginning I felt totally useless and somewhat frustrated.  But now that we have the kids working together on a few projects, an ingenious project of utilizing all their energy for public relations for the Help Center.  They get a chance to work together and get something organized.  The socializing processes her are quite poor.

I moved out of 75 LeBrun, I am now living partly at that place, partly at 41 LeBrun, partly at 11 Merrimac, partly at 105 E Main Springville, partly in Colden, partly at Sunshine House and partly in Gowanda.  A very confusing existence but it's working out well.

Your excitement on reading You Can't Go Home Again came across extremely well in your letter and it was very good to see.  It was also very fine to get the stimulation that your letters provide.  As of yet, I don't have the ultimate goal in my life in sight.  Maybe it's to be a lawyer.  T hat so far is the closest thing I've found to what I want to be, but I'll have to experience it a little more before I can say for sure.  I do know now, that I have the patience and the discipline and the strength to dedicate myself to whatever goal does come up.  Right now I am not concentrating on that one goal, now is a time of preparation.  I have a few more things to work out and then I will be completely ready for whatever may come.  I am working on my social development, extending the bounds of where I have been.  Jerry and I have spent a lot of time together and have exchanged a tremendous amount.  My relationship with Joan is the best I have ever had with a girl and has enabled me to work  out some fears and inhibitions.  Both of these people I admire greatly and have been able to get close enough to study these aspects of them that I admire and learn from them.

Joanie knows how to enjoy herself and have other people enjoy.  She is, along with you, one of the two most positive people that I know.  Jerry has a tremendous ability to organize thoughts ad come to some logical problem solving solution.  The more I can pick up from these tow, the better I will be able to be.

Jerry also has a charisma, a natural leadership that comes about from a good deal of self-confidence and a gentle way of directing a situation.  Again, a valuable asset, one that reduces tensions and frustrations and expedites action.

Yes, Paul, life is a process and we are able to make it a life giving process or a death inviting one.  And, yes Paul, you and I are on the way up.  I feel a need for a challenge, a testing of my mettle, a totally intense trip.  Do you remember when Ralph and Tom went canoeing in the Cattaraugus and tipped over.  Ralph and I talked about that later and that was a really beautiful thing that they went through.  To raise the energy output raises the returns.  To know how to channel that energy towards your self-selected goals is a true art.  To know ho much you can put out, which at this point seems to me to be almost limitless, and how much it will cost are extremely valuable things.  But then, you already know this.

I get almost a religious feeling sitting here surrounded by so much beauty.  The stream, ever moving, the valley, so huge and peaceful, the trees, the sky, the hawks, the sun, the wind all this is so basic and so pure and so powerful and so simple.  Bob Dylan wrote a poem to Woody Guthrie and Woody was very sick and mentally ill.  He was in Brooklyn State Hospital. The ending of the poem, after it asked how can you go on when you re so far down and where can you find hope.  (I don't know the exact wording) said you'll find God in heaven and you''l find Woody Guthrie in the Brooklyn State Hospital but for me, I'll find them both in the Grand Canyon. So, see you in the Grand Canyon as we've met here in Zoar.

June 28, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

This is my fourth attempt at writing you.  Everytime I start I get carried away with my thoughts.  I try to say too much to you and end up with 1 page, quite different each time.

To start with, 5 of the last 6 weeks have been quite exceptional, really nice.  This last week has been a little unsettled and unsettling.

Since I last saw you, I had an incredible time closing the deal on 106 Winspear for Sunshine House.  The administration problems, tie-ups and fuckups were very taxing.  I was convinced at 2:00pm that Tuesday that we were going to be stalled again, but at 2:15 everything opened up and everything raced ahead.

The getting of that house has been the most informative and intense event in my lief.  It's hardened me a lot but it also taught me a tremendous amount.

On that Saturday (day before graduation) I got the key to the house, went in and went crazy for an hour.  That morning I got my acceptance from Berkeley and a rejection from Harvard.  I began to get seriously excited about Berkeley.  That night Harvey, Marty, Elise, Harvey's parents, Marty's parents, Harvey's brother and I went to John's Flaming Hearth.  It was great.  A really big day.

Sunday my mother came in with my little sister and we went out to eat and then sat up in the bleachers and watched graduation.  We also bopped around campus and had a good time.

I found out the next day that Jerry O'Brien had found a car in Syracuse, where he lives, that he thought we could buy for $125.  (It is now a week later, I don't like the beginning of this letter but it's a start.  I shall now push for a more positive frame of mind.)    It turns out that care had a cracked frame and we wound up buying a 1964 green Rambler American for $260.  It took $90 more to get it past inspection.  The trunnions were bad.  So now we call the car Trunnion.

On May 19, 1972 I tripped along for the first time.  It was good except that there was no one around and the lack of talking bothered me.  Also, it was Gay Lib week at UB and the actions of some of the guys was very disturbing.

I went to Columbus to see my sister after Jerry and I bought our car in Syracuse.  The car would take another 3 weeks before we could drive it.

The day after I got back from Columbus I went to N.Y. and visited Meryl, who I went down with, and stayed at Harvey's and saw Kenny, Herb, Chris (we had a good time the night we got together), wentn to Elise and Marty's engagement party and had a surprisingly good time, tried the tests for Jeopardy and visited Central Park, the art show in Greenwich Village, and walked around Manhattan a lot.

So many things happened and I feel very inadequate in relating events.  My emotions and feelings were very positive at this time and except for a few bad instances things were unbelievably good.  And they continued until the point where I started making things go wrong just to keep myself from being so happy.  This is what bothers me now, this self-restraining tendency.  Onward.

I went to Syracuse with Jerry and to clear up some things about the car and when I got back Friday night Joan Beck came over and we had a really fine time and I began to think I love her and that is also messing me up a bit.

Things are happening so fast I haven't had time to sit down and think about them.  I've spent a lot of time with Joan lately, I've been stoned and drunk a ridiculous amount of time, I've been training high school students in crisis intervention along with Jerry, I've been working with Dr. Holmes an economics professor, I've been spending a lot of time at Sunshine House, and today, I went home and saw my father for the first time since a year ago January.  I was really nervous but it worked out well and what was really shocking was that as I was about to leave, he gave me a check for $1,000.  I still haven't had time to think about that one.

It is now another week later.  I was aiming for uncontrolled chaos and good times and found them.  Now it's time to have a little discipline.  I just wrote to Herbie.  I'm trying to catch up on things like letter writing.

This is my first night on my job at Gowanda and it looks like it will be a nice, slow, slow time here.  Jerry O'Brien and I work Tu-W-Thu from 4 pm to 4 am this week, Th-F-Sat next week, then keep alternating.  36hrs/wk for $75.  It gives us a six day weekend every other week and I'm sure we'll be driving to a lot of places.  We've been averaging over 100 miles a day in our car.  It's such a great toy.  To be able to drive to Niagara Falls, Zoar Valley, Letchworth, Colden, etc is just so nice and it's still new and exciting.  And we get stoned a lot in the car.

I can't believe how good things are going and can only hope that I'll be able to keep them going that way.  with this job I'l have more time to think and go over all the millions of things that have gone on in the last year and prepare myself for leaving to Berkeley.

Joan left yesterday for a 3 or 4 week hitching trip to Banff National Park on the border of British Columbia and Alberta.  I miss her but I also welcome the change and lessened responsibilities.  I've moved out of Le Brun but will still get my mail there.  I'll live part time here and in Springville and part in Buffalo.  As long as I can keep myself full of energy while I'm working and it's only for 8 weeks, I should be able to accomplish a lot in these 12 hour slots.  Getting to know Gowanda should be fun.  We spent a large part of today's working hours wandering around town getting acquainted.  Sun was shining.

A week ago last Friday Jerry and I were here to do some training which was screwed up cuz no one knew what was going on and it wasn't at all organized, so we left after an hour and went to Zoar Valley.  It was so incredibly beautiful.  We climbed on a cliff and sat there a long time on the top.  It was trippy.

11 hawks suddenly appeared and began soaring and soaring around.  They were so beautiful, just gliding along so perfectly.  It was great.

I am facing so many new and changing things.  My relationships to Joan and Jerry are quite different than ones I have had with other people.  I have managed to spend quite a bit of time by myself and I have used it more constructively than I ever did before.

With all this goodness around, I've expecting a crash sometime in the future.

I still am over-critical of myself at times and feel a lack of self-confidence occasionally but as I digest all that's going on around me I feel I shall build myself up.  Jerry and Joan are strong-willed people and inner strength on my part is very important.

Well, I am going to finish this and send it out so you at least get some feedback.  I am very interested in your feelings of an inner voice, please write more on that.

The time is passing quickly.  8 more weeks and I'm off to Berkeley.  Maybe I'll see you in California or here.

Take care and stay strong.

October 26, 1971 (Note from Tony)

Happy birthday.

I get a really nice feeling when it's the birthday of someone I know and like.  It seems that it's a special day to honor that person for begin such a good person.  And there seems to be so few times when special things such as friendship, gentleness, understanding, and kindness are properly appreciated.

So let this be an occasion when I can tell you (which is also very important) that y our special kind of being is being seen and does have a positive effect on the people around you.  May it continue to grow.

I guess that looking at it that way, birthdays do mean something and are really kind of nice to have.  Well, once again Happy Birthday and I'll write soon.

October 5, 1971 (Letter from Tony)

It's about fucking time that I wrote to you.  I am really sorry that I haven't written yet.  I've started a number of letters lately and haven't finished many.

Well, let's see, since I last saw you in the beginning of August I have:  hitched to Boston.  It was good.  Hitching was remarkably quick and fun.  I saw Mike, went up to Maine for a few days (his father owns property there).  The whole thing was nice but a little too relaxing.  I saw Maddy for a day, we toured Cambridge and then went to Boston Common and Boston Garden.  They are both great.  They were shooting a scene from "That Girl" in the Commons when we were there.  Coming back I got a ride from a 50 year old engineer who owned his own company and then from 2 AWOL Navy guys who were going to Detroit to visit one of their girlfriends.  They were really cool, they kept pulling out a bottle of Scotch to celebrate every 100 miles or so.

Back in Buffalo, I spent a lot of time with Christine and a lot of time working at Sunshine House.

I've gone through a lot of changes of feelings toward Christine.  (I met her at Sunshine House.  She is an occupational therapist at the Cantalician Center and might be going to UB in Jan.)  Sometimes I feel really good being with her, sometimes I feel that I'm forcing myself.  I've only known her for a little over 2 months and we've really moved quite quickly.  The speed of the whole thing coupled with its novelty and my own insecurity have led me often to doubt what was going on.  Right now I feel pretty good about the relationship, I just have to take some sort of an activist role to keep expanding and widening it.  It was due in a large part to her that I took your room. The need for some sort of privacy (especially having my own bedroom) is much greater now than before.  Now, if we want to make love I don't have to worry about my roommates coming in.

It was really a tough decision to leave Allenhurst.  I didn't want to miss the closeness of living with 8 or 9 other people.  I really did enjoy that.  There was always someone there to talk to and people to do things with and we were important to each other.  But I figured after last year, here because Harvey and Mike Engel, who I would have been living with, were stuck way on the end, on Oxford, and they have freshman guys living next door.  Way it's a bad place.  I thank you for going and staying in Calif (that sounds stupid) how about I'm glad I got the chance to move in here.  (Better)

I enjoy my freedom a lot.  I don't have classes and as of yet I'm not working.  I have no set times for anything. It was great when school started and everyone came back.  I went around and spent a lot of time with people like Dennis, Donna, Iris, Maddy, Ralph, Elise, etc.  It was fine but they, for the most part, were slowly bummed out.  (I really learned the meaning of that phrase when Mike Kanter and I went out to Huntingdon for a day.  Boredom is the main ingredient.)  Especially Maddy and Iris; living with Dennis and Donna was tough cuz neither of them has a boyfriend and they are on LaSalle and somewhat isolated (as I am here and you were out on Tonawanda Creek.)  They are very very depressed, nothing they do excites them, they feel that they have few friends, etc.  I felt really bad because they were so depressed, and there wasn't a lot I could do.  I mean my sparkling wit and personality and my terribly creative mind can only be stretched so far.

I'm getting a little annoyed with them because neither one has come to visit me here.  It's tough adjusting from last year to now.  Before there always was time and the place to talk things over.  Now, a conscious and definitive action has to be taken to go see them.  I'm no longer an integral part of their lives, like we were all an integral part of each other's lives in Allenhurst.

Harvey is very bored and not very satisfied with his new roommates (he and Mike Engel were put in with 2 transfer students and a freshman).  He and I are still close and all and I don't feel uncomfortable at all with him, whereas with Iris and Maddy I fell very self-conscious.

There are blind steps and groping of our exile, the painting of our hunger as, remembering speechlessly, we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, a door.  Where?  When?

As you might have guessed I'm reading "Look Homeward Angel".  I've been reading it for a long, long time. No concentration and no time.  It's such a beautifully written book.

Last week I went to Colden and camped out from Tues nite to Friday.  It was fine.  I spent a lot of time walking around and just trying to catch up with myself.

The week before I rode my bike to Springville (40 miles) and nearly died of exhaustion.  I'm so out of shape, I've been playing tennis.

Sunshine House has been doing at least one fine thing of late.  We've been going to concerts, setting up a tent and operating during the concerts.  We get in free and we helped a lot of people that way.

There was a concert on Rotary Field, an all day thing and we were there.  It was pretty poor. Cactus (boo, boo, hiss) was the second featured group.  Savoy Brown was pretty good.  There was about 8 groups there, Long John Baldry and Al Kooper.  We shared a tent with the performers and got high with them.  It rained near the end of the concert.  It seemed sort of fitting.

The day before, Saturday was "Celebration" in War Memorial Stadium with the Blues Project, Taj Mahal, Sha-na-na (they were great), J. Geils, Box Scaggs, and the Paul Butterfield Blues Band.

The concert lasted from 2 till past 12.  The weather was great and so was the music.  Paul Butterfield was incredibly good.  I missed Boz Scaggs because I was in the tent.  We were much more organized at this one and did a fine job.  Also the music was much better than the last one.

Sunshine House has been pretty much a dominant force in my life for awhile now.  I try to keep a little distance just because too many people there (at least two) have made the whole thing into an ego trip and it's really messing them up and it's not helping the house.

We just got funded through Community Action Corps by the Student Association.  We got $8,500 and I'm treasurer.

October 15 we're working at the Blood Sweat and Tears concert in Kleinhans???  Who could possibly bum out for $4-$5-$6-$7, unless they would because of those prices.

Ok I shall wind it up now.  Speaking of money, I think I owe you $ for the deposit you made here.  Yes?  If so, please tell me how much and I'll send it to you in a couple of  years.  You're last phone bill was $5 so I paid Herbie cuz he paid the bill so please deduct that from what I owe you.   Okee dokee.

Well, write again if you get the chance and always remember the immortal words of a great California intellectual, they serve as a source of inspiration in times of need, "Let's shine this left over garbage on."

A couple of weekends ago there was a meeting of crisis center people from all over N.Y.  It was at Buff State and it was really good.  Afterward about 40 of us went into a dorm room and smoked and drank Southern Comfort, scotch, and 6 kinds of wine.  We were on the 4th floor and security was on the 5th so we broke up early.  The first 4 floors of hi-rise are closed to dorm students cuz of faulty construction.  Have you ever heard of Dr. Bronner's soap?  It's supposed to be peppermint flavored.