October 5, 1974 (Letter from Tony)

The foregoing (photocopied letter) was written awhile ago but I figured I'd send it along just to fill you in a bit.

I'm finding that living alone has a great many advantages.  I now must assume a great responsibility over what I'm doing with my time and my future.   It's very comfortable to have others around to play with whenever one wants, but it can also be very restrictive.   Now I can do things with others if I want to expend some effort, so my social outings are now much more selective and, consequently  consist of doing what I want, when I want to.  I guess I've never felt more free than I do now.  My classes this semester were purposely arranged to fall mainly on Tuesday and Thursday and consist mostly of those subjects that I'll need for the bar exams and haven't as yet taken.  Conceptually, the main three are quite simple and my time can be spent more on the remaining course, Lands Use and Development and the Sanctioning Process.  The latter is almost an undergraduate style course, but with a major paper requirement, Land Use is the most interesting of my courses because it ties in most directly with the city planning area of the law that I expect to go into when I graduate.

This is my last year of school!  Grades now mean less than the little they have meant, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This contributes to my sense of freedom.

I guess it's all the factors mentioned about, plus a certain amount of wisdom gleaned from the Dark Ages of the past two years, which have put me in my present "high on lie" state of mind.  I've been experiencing a joy, that I thought had been lost, in just walking or shopping or talking or being with others, yes, even in studying.  I feel confident that whatever lies in my future, I will be able to appreciate it.  I'm also quite confident that I will get into something I will enjoy as  work, whether by luck or skill or perseverance.   

When I was home I went to Lilydale with my mother, my younger sister Bonnie and Harvey.  I guess that you've heard of the place.  It's a spiritualist colony just outside of Cassadaga.  We were directed to Mrs. Isabel Ferguson by my aunt who used to go there frequently.  I was invited in by Mrs. Ferguson.  She didn't ask my name of any questions, just started out by telling me that she saw that I was going to law school in California.  Her powers of seeing the situation each of us was in at that time is undeniable.  She told Harvey he was looking for a job, saw that he had a former connection to law, etc.  Most impressive.  If her powers of seeing the future are as good then I have another reason for feeling confident.  She told me I'd live long and be very lucky.  She gave me names of people I'd meet etc.  She told Harvey he'd get a job along an ocean coast far from Lilydale.  If old Harv lands a job on the west coast, my future is golden.

Have you ever read any of the works of Celine?  He's a tremendously powerful writer.  I'm reading Death on the Installment Plan and it just sweeps my mind from its mooring in this torrent of dreamlike scenes.

Now then, here's the plan.  I would like to come up to Deer Lodge for a visit around Thanksgiving time.  I'll be looking for a ride up anytime after Nov. 20.  Our vacation is Nov 28 & 29, and with only a few classes being missed, I can extend that to about 1 1/2 weeks.  What's really tempting is the prospect that I could, after Thanksgiving, not come back here, miss only 2 weeks of classes and then not have any commitments until Jan 8, the day for my first final.  More pragmatically  I could come back here by Dec. 1, then fly to Buffalo Dec 12 and stay until Jan 6.  But anyway, let me know if you'll be around Deer Lodge from Nov 20-Dec 1, and if I could come visit OK?

Enough for now.  Take care and write back with your usual promptness.

March 26, 1974 (Letter from Tony)

These past few weeks I've felt very much like I'm running on a treadmill, and I have to keep running faster and faster just to keep in place.  But I have finally gained control again and am in the process of consolidation.

Law school, and I'm talking in broad terms - -including my entire existence at this time, has been a very strange experience but one that I'm appreciating more and more as time goes by.  I guess I'm like a guy learning how to sail, and I could manage pretty well in the port of Buffalo, but now I'm out on an ocean and I've never done much long distance navigating.  I have to learn how to follow the stars, picking out the ones that are important for me.  That I must make all the daily decisions, and that these have such an impact on my future are not new ideas, but I never realized as clearly as I do now what my responsibilities are.  Coasting along heedlessly  moving where the wind will take me, was an art to be developed at Buffalo.  Now I'm trying to marshall my skills so that I can assume my own direction, even if it means moving into the teeth of a gale.

I get somewhat confused between short-term, daily events, and long-term lifetime pursuits.  That life ins a seres of conflicts to be resolved or avoided is not a very enticing characterization, but perhaps it's true, at least in our Western society.  It's become apparent to me that Freud preached nothing but a new religion, to be accepted one faith, or rejected.  There is no psychology in Asia except that forced on them by Europeans.  They have only a philosophy or religion, and they emphasize harmony and oneness. Only in a culture based on strife could Freud postulate that our minds work "as if" there were three parts, ego, id, and superego.  And countless others could form theories emphasizing insecurity over sex or territoriality.  Pick whichever one you desire, believe in it, act on it, but never become convinced that  it's the "right" path, the vanity of evangelists is so astounding to me.  I saw "Elmer Gantry" on TV a while ago, I enjoyed it despite the contempt I felt for their beliefs or righteousness.

It's a beautiful rainy, drizzly day here in the Oakland hills.  I've moved to this new address 6843 Broadway Terrace, Oakland Calif, 94611.  Chris and Ed, my old roommates, moved to Concord, 30 miles from here because Ed works there.  The room I'm in here was occupied by a young man who got his M.A. in engineering in December and is now touring Europe.  This place is a very comfortable house.  My housemates are all 2nd year law students who lived in Manville, as I did for the 1st semester of our 1st year.  3 of the 4 are very relaxed and congenial as we all get along very well.  The 4th is loud, obnoxious and has the maturity of a 7 year old.  Getting along with him takes a major effort.

We are currently on our spring break.  I had some wild dreams about going to Mexico on the Grand Canyon but financial reasons, and the charm of staying here, in my house, with the fireplace, without the obnoxious roommate, all combined to influence my decision, so I stayed here.  I did go to Mt. Tamalpais and Muir Woods (redwood preserve) for a short camping trip but since then I've left this property only 3 times in 4 days.  Once I went to the store, another time I went to play basketball, and third time was to get some books from school.

I'm into one of my "knowledgeable" moods.  I am excited about reading fiction, history, psychology  anthropology, etc.  I get somewhat frustrated at the slowness of absorbing everything I wish I could, an din time this will temper my enthusiasm.  That seems to be the sort of process most of my feelings go through.  I guess it's pretty basic.

I hope you're doing OK.  When does spring come to Pittsburgh?

Have you seen American Graffiti?  I thought it was tremendous.  The actions of the people in Colden-Springville were somewhat different than those shown in the movie, but the characters themselves were very much the same as people I grew up with.

I just read Miss Lonelyhearts and Day of the Locust.  I enjoyed the first very much, perhaps it raised my expectations too much because although I liked Locust I was a bit disappointed with it. Any more recommendations on what I should read?

October 29, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

Thank you my friend, for the birthday card and the thought.  And naturally I return the thought.

It's good to hear that you are active.  It's strange, I had just begun to look for a job in order to keep myself moving.  My momentum in my classes has begun to slow, I hope to raise my excitement level by doing something more immediately gratifying than studying law.

I've been studying less of late and playing more.  My tennis game is improving slowly, my frisbee throwing was worked on today, and I've even been getting cultured.  I saw the Cleveland Quarter (artists in Residence at SUNY at Buffalo) a couple of weeks ago.  And then I saw a mechanical music concert that featured early 20th century music instruments, music boxes, calliopes, player pianos, and a piano player accompanying the film The Great Train Robbery.  It was really enjoyable. 

And then Friday I went in S. F. to get my papers served in my small claims action against the charter flight company that screwed up my Christmas flight home last year.  I guess I picked a real winner because when I gave the sheriff the papers he was to serve, he started laughing.  I thought it was over my cleverly worded statement of the case, but in reality he was laughing because the guy I'm suing is notorious.  A lot of people have been suing him and even if they win in court, there has to be some way to get the money from the guy.  And they maintain 8 bank accounts and you have to know which one your check goes into.  that's pretty discouraging, I guess I won't get my money.  Small claims court probably was a good idea when it was first set up, but today it's such a hassle to get a claim started and then get your money that most people don't even bother and these merchants, landlord, etc can get away with taking hundreds of dollars.  It's really a crummy set-up. 

Have you heard of the American Film Theater series?  It's a series of 8 plays films in N.Y. with really fine actors and actresses and then shown in theaters all over the country for 2 nights.  I'm going to see the first in the series, The Iceman Cometh.



Someday soon I'm going to start school work again.  I have a couple of papers I could be working on, but there won't be anythng urgent for awhile.  I can't wait until I'm dealing with people in real-life situations, rather than with hypotheticals.

Have you heard from Ralph?  I'm goign to try to write to him c/o Cornell Hotel Mangement School and see if I get any reply.

Well, I'm about trhough for tonight.  What are you doing over Christmas vacation?  When do you ahve yours.  I'jm flying to NYC Dec 15 and coming back Jan 5.  I'll be in Colden most of that time.

Yes, Paul, we both have been through a lot this past year.  It's like I'm riding on a roller coaster and I have some control over where and how fast I'm going.  Sometimes I'm moving along very slow.  And then I may speed up to the point that I'm just barely in control, things happen quickly and my life is on the brink of breaking down into chaos.  And then there are times, like last year, when after I've decided I can take the ride down the big drop, I go out of control, just sort of thrown back, finding it hard to breathe, and just riding it out until I hit the bottom and go around that inevitable curve that slows it down slowly so I am still in control.  If the hill isn't too big, I can take the gamble, go over and maintain myself through the excitement.  But every now and then I take a chance and end up out of control.  I feel that now I'm picking up speed after the slowdown which followed last year's precipitous delcline.  I'm eager to test where the brink is.

Good night, hang tough. 

October 10, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

Yes, here I am at last, the wayward Western wanderer finally writing.  Thank you for your letter for I usually do need a small push to help over come my inertia.

It certainly is a shame that education at college-level and higher cannot be somewhat more stimulating than it is.  I can rationalize some of the drudgery as a means to the end of developing discipline and bringing my expectations of my life down to manageable goals, but it does seem that they go a bit overboard in laying on the tedium.  Certainly my last year here at Boalt was not an enjoyable one, but it was also far from unproductive.

Since I had a lot of time  this past summer to re-think on what had gone on, I was able to prepare myself much better for this year and also for what lies ahead in my life.

You ask if I noticed a moodiness on your part.  I had to laugh, for I felt that many hours of this past summer, which were part of my re-evaluation, found me to be almost anti-social, or at least far from talkative or friendly.  During our trip to Spread Eagle this mood of mine was quite strong.  I realized that my quietness had a somewhat deleterious effect on the social situation I was in, but I was in no "mood" to adjust my behavior.

Well, anyway, my 1st year of law school is now history, and with the wisdom gleaned from that year I have vowed never to allow myself to drop into such a depressed mental state again.  Those attributes you are working to maintain, a sense of humor being the chief one, were lost by me for lengthy periods of time and were not firmly established again until the end of the semester.

So far this school year has been very enjoyable.  I've been doing things, such as backpacking in Yosemite, visiting the ocean, walking around a redwood grave, spending a day out in the country, etc.  And I've been reading non-law books, such as Jung and my art books, several of which I bought out here at a used book store.

I'm living with 2 non-law students and that is working out quite well.  Neither of them is going to school, they both work.

My courses are 75% good.  I have one dud course, but Bob Padia and I alternate attending class and I only have to face that once a week.  My 3 other classes are really fine, the material is interesting and the teachers are all eminently knowledgeable and quite effective as teachers.  It was one of these courses, Psychoanalytical Jurisprudence, that was the motivating factor that got me started in Jung. (see earlier comment on inertia)  I have a fairly light credit load and I'm staying away from such traditional law courses as Tax and Estates and Trusts.  My interests certainly do not lie in those areas and what little help they would be to me is outweighed by the dullness of the material and the effort required to maintain in the classes.

I just got back from a performance of the Cleveland Quartet, a group that succeeded the Budapest Quartet as artists in residence at SUNY at Buffalo in 1971.  Have you ever heard of them?  I didn't until just recently.  The performance was excellent, they did some traditional pieces by Haydn and Beethoven and also some more unusual compositions by Ives and Slonimsky.

Cal has an excellent selection of musical events on campus which I took advantage of last year and will do so again this year.

I got food stamps this week that along with a $600 grant, a $1,500 loan and my California residency should allow me to manage the experience this year.  However, I appear almost certain that I must find a job for next summer.

I'll close now; write. soon.

July 5, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

From the top of the Pine Mountain Ski Jump

Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it?  I'm in Colden, living the good life (i.e., the lazy life).  I decided against going to Colorado and now an interested in going to Warren.

I'll try to set things out in chronological order.  Exams took up my last 2 months in Berkeley.  I did a good deal of studying, Be in the library and only the presence of some friends there with me saved me form total isolation.  Hard times really do bring people closer together and we provided entertainment for each other.  I did OK on the exams.  I won't find out for sure what I got until August.

Our last exam was June 2, an looking back at it, that seems very long ago and very strange.  I never really got to feeling like Berkeley was my home.  My worlds are built around people, and places take on meaning only by my going through experiences there.  Walking across the U.B. campus was exciting because I could think of all the many things that happened there.  I guess this past year was a necessary base-building year both with people and with the location itself.  I certainly hope I can move more actively toward establishing my world out there next fall, it's got a long way to go.

Anyway, I left June 5 in a station wagon with 5 other people and 2 dogs.  It took us 2 1/2 days to get to NYC.  I really enjoyed the trip, I had enough time to sleep and sightsee and even though we went US80 across there were things to see.  Wyoming and a sunset in Nebraska were high points, also seeing green hills with trees growing when we got into Indiana and Illinois.

Dale, Barb, Tony at Lake Spread Eagle

I stayed at my sister's and we did many good and expensive things.  We saw "A Streetcar Named Desire" in Lincoln Center, ate in a fancy restaurant, rode the subways, etc. etc.  I really enjoyed it, my sister is very good at entertaining me when I go visit her.  Of course she enjoys it too, she usually doesn't spend her money so lavishly.

I called Maddy and saw her one day.  She was supposed to play in a tournament and I was going to go watch her.  Unfortunately, the one she had been entered in was held the week before.   So on the way back we were thinking of things to do and we decided to go to Boston.  So, I stayed a few more days in Brooklyn at Rose's, until she got called for a flight to London, and then Maddy and I went up to Boston to see Michael and Liz and Harvey.  It was a good time.  I'll give you the details when I see you.  I then went back to Brooklyn for a few more days and finally after getting a somewhat frantic call from Jim Holmes I came to Buffalo by bus.  I was at this time still planning on going to Colorado with Holmes.  I came to Colden for a day, for Father's day and my mother's birthday.  Then I spent a week working with Holmes to get him ready.  He leads a very complicated life, and he had been working for 4 weeks getting things ended up and was not nearly done.  He's going to be a visiting prof next year at South Carolina and in Australia so he had to finish things in Buffalo.  He had to rent his house, paint it, sell his furniture, pack for the trip, pack for South Carolina, clean up, get his horse ready, rent his horse trailer, fix his truck, etc. etc. etc.  After a week I said I've had it.  It was much too complicated a situation for me.  I had agreed to go on a vacation, not spend half my summer finishing up Holmes' loose ends.  Also, I had reservation about getting along with him for an extended length of time.  He is very domineering and I, although, quite passive, can only take so much.  The deciding factor was Colden.  I hadn't been here much since I went to U.B. and I missed it.  My mother was quite sick this past winter with bronchitis (that was the preliminary diagnosis from her hospital stay in March) I figured it would be a good idea to be around to do the heavy work she normally does.  And finally, I wanted time to visit my friends.

Paul in his Penelec hardhat

While I was in Buffalo, I saw some people and it was good.  One day I was walking down Main St. and Tom Szczesny came riding by on his bike.  It was good to see him.  He's contemplating going to Berkeley in the fall.  Later that day, in Park Edge, I ran into Jeff Greenwald.  They were both nice surprises.

I have been out here for almost a week now and it's quite pleasant.  It's been awhile since I've been as relaxes as I am now, certainly not since last August.

I'm planning a bike trip to Warren Pa. via Lake Chautauqua to see Ralph.  What days do you have off?  Would any particular time be more convenient than the rest?  Could I stay at your house?  Please send answers with your reply letter.

Kenny and Lauren's wedding

Clockwise from lower right

Herb Kleinberger, Tony Szczygiel, Eric Barr, Paul Nelson, Kenny Tuchman

Are you going to Kenny's wedding?  I'm planning on going, it would be nice if we could go there together.

Well, that's enough for now.  Write back soon.  Anytime you fell like coming up, please do.  You have my address here, the phone # is 716-941-3292.  I shall be seeing you soon.  Take care.

May 14, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

I'm trying to work out a standardized letter opening, apologizing for not having written sooner.  Well, I haven't got it down, and I've written a few, trying to catch up for my laxness for most of this semester.

So what's new, you may ask.  Not much I would reply.  I'm into my finals stretch run.  Today was my last day of classes, my 1st year of law school is almost over.   No more classes.  It's really pretty exciting.  I now have to apply your two watchwords, patience and discipline to the utmost.  I decided about a month ago I had to start really working and I can say pretty proudly that I have done so.  Now, if I can keep it up, at a high level of intensity, for the next 3 weeks., I shall be satisfied and probably pretty knowledgeable.  This is only the second time I've ever been in a position that I wanted to put forth an extended effort, the first time being when I was working at Sunshine House, trying to get a house for us.  And this time it's much more intensive and I have to be much more self-motivated.  My somewhat lackadaisical philosophy on life has not had to respond with a concerted effort before and I must admit there were some transitional pains, but then I guess these must accompany most changes.  Life, and the way of living it are as one chooses, is based very much on how much of that pain a person wants to go through, how much he thinks the results are worth.

I've managed to keep some form of sanity by doing enough things outside of law school.  I've been to a number of the parks around here, been going to some concerts, most classical music concerts, I've gone to two major league baseball games and that's about it, at least since spring break.

My sister Rose, who was out here a week before spring break, is now an airline stewardess stationed in N.Y. flying TWA International flights.  While she was out her ewe traveled all over.  We had a rented car, and used it.  We managed to get to Yosemite, and stayed overnight, it snowed about 6 inches, we saw a bear that was 20 feet away, and in general were very much impressed by the place.  It's just magnificent.

Both of these vacation were very welcome, about that time I was into my mid-semester slump and was feeling pretty depressed.  My reaction to all the changes I've encountered out here hasn't been very good I really was bothered by many things, I would get depressed, lose confidence and patience, etc.  Coming from my very comfortable life in Buffalo, I wasn't prepared to have to fend for myself and my laziness added to the tendency to just sort of drift along the path of least resistance.  I now feel more in control, I just hope I can keep it together though finals.

This summer I'm going to travel to Colorado with Jim Holmes, my old econ professor at UB, and go horse back riding in the mountains, then move on to the mountains of Northern California for some more sigh-seeing, and we might possibly make it up to Alaska.  The trip sounds exciting, the only problem is that Holmes at times is somewhat overbearing and that I will have to put up with.

It certainly is good to hear of your good fortune.  Things certainly are moving along nicely.  My parents and I went down to the Kinzua Dam once, it's in a great location.  Despite all the beauty and breathtaking areas around here, my favorite area still is western N.Y. and northern Pa.  The trees, hills, greenness and freshness are what I grew up with and I've seen nothing like it anywhere out here, and I do miss it.  Well, I've come to the end of this letter, take care.  I'll be going back to Buffalo shortly after June 2, and we'll start our trip from there.  Hope to see you on the way out.

November 22, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

I'm sitting here in Laguna Beach, Calif.  It's Tuesday so the Cottage Restaurant is closed.  Can you imagine that.  I cam down here just to eat there and ask the people if they know Paul Nelson and they are closed on Tuesdays.

The sun is shining here, it's just beautiful weather.  You already know the scenery.

I came down to Newport Beach with a friend who lives in Manville.  His father owns a very small beach house there.  I was just going to come down for the weekend to get out of Berkeley and law school and the dorms and to get myself refreshed.  Then, I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner in LaHabra, part of L.A. buy a girl whose parents are going to Arizona.  So, a group of people from the  dorm are coming down for that.

Well, I decided to stay down here for these 3 school days so that I could have a real vacation.  And it's been really nice.

Tim and I drove down here Saturday and it seemed like it took a couple of weeks.  We got stoned and were just driving and driving.

Sunday and Monday we went to the beach for awhile and relaxed the rest of the time.  Tim flew back last night so I now have his truck to drive around and place to stay by the beach.

Berkeley has been going along at not a particularly good pace.

There have been some fine moments but there are too many bothersome little things, like living in the dorm, having to work, which gets frustrating because a lot of what we are learning is garbage, and lastly, having to  (we interrupt this letter to bring you a public service renouncement.  A shifty eyed, probably Community leaning, freak has stolen a red pen, and acting nervous, please call your local police department.  Thank you.  We now return to you letter, already in progress) be so very analytical and literal minded.  I guess the basic problem is one of discipline.  I'm working on it, and anyway, there are only 3 weeks left in this semester.

What are you doing over Christmas?  I sure would like to see you.  I've been very slow about writing you but there are many things I want to talk to you about.  I'm flying to Chicago on a charter flight, going to Columbus to see my sister Rose, then flying to Buffalo.  I should get there by Dec. 20.  Will you still be around there?  I'm looking forward to seeing whoever is left in Buffalo.

Do you remember Nancy, the girl who was part of my wine parties in Buffalo?  Well, anyway, she drove to San Diego to see some friends of here and today they are coming up here.  It will be good.

I've been disappointed by my ability to adapt so far.  I think I'm being too harsh on myself.  I know it will take time to build up relationships like I had in Buffalo.  I fell that hits vacation will be a turning point; I've spent some time reordering my mind and deciding on courses of action.

Patience and discipline are still my keys.  I've lost of lot of my patience and I never did have much discipline.  Ha.

I've come up with this analogy about what's been going on.  You see, it's like light waves.  Each person admits these, and it's a function of their internal state as to how intense these emanations are.  A laser is incredibly powerful because all is in harmony, the purpose and discipline are there.  Right now I feel like I'm giving off varying intensities, at times it's fairly pure, at other times the waves get out of synchronization and the various saves, rather than reinforcing each other, merely interfere.  That leads to frustration. At this point I feel like it's getting stronger.  I realize I am possessed of more potential now that ever before.  I need the strength to control and direct it.  Well, I just go.  I hope to see you in a few weeks.  Let me know what you'll be going.

June 28, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

This is my fourth attempt at writing you.  Everytime I start I get carried away with my thoughts.  I try to say too much to you and end up with 1 page, quite different each time.

To start with, 5 of the last 6 weeks have been quite exceptional, really nice.  This last week has been a little unsettled and unsettling.

Since I last saw you, I had an incredible time closing the deal on 106 Winspear for Sunshine House.  The administration problems, tie-ups and fuckups were very taxing.  I was convinced at 2:00pm that Tuesday that we were going to be stalled again, but at 2:15 everything opened up and everything raced ahead.

The getting of that house has been the most informative and intense event in my lief.  It's hardened me a lot but it also taught me a tremendous amount.

On that Saturday (day before graduation) I got the key to the house, went in and went crazy for an hour.  That morning I got my acceptance from Berkeley and a rejection from Harvard.  I began to get seriously excited about Berkeley.  That night Harvey, Marty, Elise, Harvey's parents, Marty's parents, Harvey's brother and I went to John's Flaming Hearth.  It was great.  A really big day.

Sunday my mother came in with my little sister and we went out to eat and then sat up in the bleachers and watched graduation.  We also bopped around campus and had a good time.

I found out the next day that Jerry O'Brien had found a car in Syracuse, where he lives, that he thought we could buy for $125.  (It is now a week later, I don't like the beginning of this letter but it's a start.  I shall now push for a more positive frame of mind.)    It turns out that care had a cracked frame and we wound up buying a 1964 green Rambler American for $260.  It took $90 more to get it past inspection.  The trunnions were bad.  So now we call the car Trunnion.

On May 19, 1972 I tripped along for the first time.  It was good except that there was no one around and the lack of talking bothered me.  Also, it was Gay Lib week at UB and the actions of some of the guys was very disturbing.

I went to Columbus to see my sister after Jerry and I bought our car in Syracuse.  The car would take another 3 weeks before we could drive it.

The day after I got back from Columbus I went to N.Y. and visited Meryl, who I went down with, and stayed at Harvey's and saw Kenny, Herb, Chris (we had a good time the night we got together), wentn to Elise and Marty's engagement party and had a surprisingly good time, tried the tests for Jeopardy and visited Central Park, the art show in Greenwich Village, and walked around Manhattan a lot.

So many things happened and I feel very inadequate in relating events.  My emotions and feelings were very positive at this time and except for a few bad instances things were unbelievably good.  And they continued until the point where I started making things go wrong just to keep myself from being so happy.  This is what bothers me now, this self-restraining tendency.  Onward.

I went to Syracuse with Jerry and to clear up some things about the car and when I got back Friday night Joan Beck came over and we had a really fine time and I began to think I love her and that is also messing me up a bit.

Things are happening so fast I haven't had time to sit down and think about them.  I've spent a lot of time with Joan lately, I've been stoned and drunk a ridiculous amount of time, I've been training high school students in crisis intervention along with Jerry, I've been working with Dr. Holmes an economics professor, I've been spending a lot of time at Sunshine House, and today, I went home and saw my father for the first time since a year ago January.  I was really nervous but it worked out well and what was really shocking was that as I was about to leave, he gave me a check for $1,000.  I still haven't had time to think about that one.

It is now another week later.  I was aiming for uncontrolled chaos and good times and found them.  Now it's time to have a little discipline.  I just wrote to Herbie.  I'm trying to catch up on things like letter writing.

This is my first night on my job at Gowanda and it looks like it will be a nice, slow, slow time here.  Jerry O'Brien and I work Tu-W-Thu from 4 pm to 4 am this week, Th-F-Sat next week, then keep alternating.  36hrs/wk for $75.  It gives us a six day weekend every other week and I'm sure we'll be driving to a lot of places.  We've been averaging over 100 miles a day in our car.  It's such a great toy.  To be able to drive to Niagara Falls, Zoar Valley, Letchworth, Colden, etc is just so nice and it's still new and exciting.  And we get stoned a lot in the car.

I can't believe how good things are going and can only hope that I'll be able to keep them going that way.  with this job I'l have more time to think and go over all the millions of things that have gone on in the last year and prepare myself for leaving to Berkeley.

Joan left yesterday for a 3 or 4 week hitching trip to Banff National Park on the border of British Columbia and Alberta.  I miss her but I also welcome the change and lessened responsibilities.  I've moved out of Le Brun but will still get my mail there.  I'll live part time here and in Springville and part in Buffalo.  As long as I can keep myself full of energy while I'm working and it's only for 8 weeks, I should be able to accomplish a lot in these 12 hour slots.  Getting to know Gowanda should be fun.  We spent a large part of today's working hours wandering around town getting acquainted.  Sun was shining.

A week ago last Friday Jerry and I were here to do some training which was screwed up cuz no one knew what was going on and it wasn't at all organized, so we left after an hour and went to Zoar Valley.  It was so incredibly beautiful.  We climbed on a cliff and sat there a long time on the top.  It was trippy.

11 hawks suddenly appeared and began soaring and soaring around.  They were so beautiful, just gliding along so perfectly.  It was great.

I am facing so many new and changing things.  My relationships to Joan and Jerry are quite different than ones I have had with other people.  I have managed to spend quite a bit of time by myself and I have used it more constructively than I ever did before.

With all this goodness around, I've expecting a crash sometime in the future.

I still am over-critical of myself at times and feel a lack of self-confidence occasionally but as I digest all that's going on around me I feel I shall build myself up.  Jerry and Joan are strong-willed people and inner strength on my part is very important.

Well, I am going to finish this and send it out so you at least get some feedback.  I am very interested in your feelings of an inner voice, please write more on that.

The time is passing quickly.  8 more weeks and I'm off to Berkeley.  Maybe I'll see you in California or here.

Take care and stay strong.