January 3, 1974 (Letter from Leslie)

Greetings. I'm sitting on the train on my way to the Big Apple.  Decided to take the train because I'm sick of the bus and actually the train is much more comfortable. The ride feels much like floating, but still not easy to write. The new train station is across the river from the old one. Needless to say, the old one has much more class and elegance, the new one is just functional. I got on at the little boxy station in Colonie, the stop before Albany, and am very glad as there was a mess of people waiting to get on.  I just felt the bump of another car being hitched so maybe it won't be too bad -- so far nobody is sitting next to me.

Being gifted with hindsight and shyness and after thinking about your visit (still thinking is more appropriate) I've decided to write and make some comments, not necessarily in the proper order. Also this letter is not meant to be fawning as I am upset and annoyed at y our own pussyfooting and should have expressed this while you were here.  I checked complacence in the dictionary and fawning or subservience is the better word.

Referring back to your last letter I remember your saying that you wanted to talk to me about our relationship and smooth it out yet the only time you offered any discussion of it is when I asked you about it and then I had to ask again to get some reason behind your thinking and then I find out it is none of this bull shit you have been feeding me about being a loner, but it is this subservience if this is the honest answer.

I admit to this but failed to mention your habit of acting like a hot and cold running faucet -- sometimes you are warm and nice and I feel close to you and other times you close yourself, do not give any positive feedback and I am given no indication as to what has happened this time. Since I am not the type who keeps asking what is wrong, I do not say anything except ask you those "trivia" questions which I finally found out that you dislike.

Also you hoped to find this trait gone by the changing of environments (Buffalo, Pitt, my home) but were disappointed.  Frankly I was disappointed too, to find you acting in the same way you always did.    Neither one of us realized that our actions were more reactions.  I had hoped that you would be more responsive than you were.  The problem seems to be our mutual reticence about discussing what is really bothering us, therefore letting things build up.  We have serious communication problems about what our individual needs are and still hardly know how the other is.

At this point it is difficult for us to be friends who trust one another.

Also in regards to the remark that even though you care very much for Tony you were still glad to be away from him after the trip, I think it is highly improbable that you will ever find a person who you will not get tired of at one time or another.  The better and stronger the relationship is, the more you will be able to pass through these periods without harming the relationship and as far as my life experience goes and tells me, that's the best you can do. 

Despite the games we have been playing, I do care for you health, welfare, and being and want to know what is happening with you.  I hope, for you, that your desire to write continues.