February 17, 1974 (Letter from Barb)

As I begin my correspondence after a lengthy pause (roughly 2 months) you are the first one I'm going to write to.  Lucky boy.  I almost feel like skipping all the external events, they could sound like such a down and their relation to reality is not that close anyway.  Now I know why Joan never writes letters -- no news is better than the news you have to give sometimes!  Well, here goes --

#1 -- I'm moving again.  A big black cloud has come to rain on my parade by the name of LANDLORD -- I know I've managed to talk into every bad situation in the book since I've been back here but this one was really and truly unforeseeable.  After a health dept inspection occurred because of my kitchen wall continuing to crumble away, this strange sick man of a landlord let loose a barrage of harassment -- shutting off my electricity, chasing away the repair man, threatening me and telling me to get out (troublemaker, communist, etc.)  This all happened almost a month ago -- I had housing out on it and he turned on the electricity (finally) but his intent was clear -- to get me out by the end of the month.  Due to his violent nature and my own vulnerability in staying here alone and having Harry here all day I was forced to look for another place.  I can't even explain the hassles, lawyers, tenants organizations, Rick, and the other things he's done like letting his German shepherds at Harry, turning off my hot water, etc.  The kind of situation you've got to feel can't be real, but it is.  How does one know that renting a decent place w/ a good lease doesn't insure anything?  I had no way of knowing this character was a nut and a lease is just a piece of paper to him -- I'm really not that bummed out about him, I just don't believe it!  So -- next weekend I'm going to move in w/ Terry and Kathy for the time being.  I have reached the stage of not being disappointed or elated by outside events.  There's been no progress in that area for 6 months, although I have made some inner progress, it's not reflected in anything around me.  Everything has kept an unstable and transient nature and I don't expect a change.  At work we've just moved to a new building -- from a very quiet, patient-oriented and small older place to a new, big clinic where people pay the status game and rigid attitudes abound.  I am now working out of a cramped, ridiculous room 2/ fluorescent lighting, the whole trip.  There is a certain amount of conflict between us and our own attitudes and what we found when we got there.  They even object to our toys and things for the kids -- they don't feel it's dignified to have to step over a kid playing with a toy -- interferes with business-as-usual -- to us, business as usual is children, to them it is something different. With the attitudes I've been encountering everywhere here I really go into a despair sometimes.  It's like starting the world all over again every day.  As this past week was our final week after the move and I was frustrated at every turn, I allowed myself the luxury of getting high every high but one!  I have really not turned to grass in a long time but there are times when I feel I need out of my daily circle of thoughts and worries and the constant tyranny of the ego.  For months I have been living an isolated life of my solitude and my habits and now I feel like getting stoned with people.  Friday nite I went out with a friend from work and her roommate -- got very stoned and went to see 2 Charlie Chaplin movies and enjoyed myself immensely.  Tomorrow I have off and Terry and Kathy and I are going up to New Hampshire to see Doreen.  I'm even renting a car!  It has taken a very little while to dawn on me that there is no permanence here for me -- everything I've come back here to find has dissolved, but I had to know it for sure -- I must know the truth of things.  I have no plans now -- I can only wait for the voice to speak again and hope I have the courage (again) to follow it.  Seems that every few years life alters itself completely and there's a time of just nothing and waiting until it shows a completely new face.  5 years ago at this time the same thing was happening and although that sounds like a long time, it seems to me just a moment -- then the change came not only as a change in place but a complete change in goals, attitudes, a whole new ball game.  (no pun intended, he, he)  I feel like that whole time of being young and just living to learn is over -- I've been learning for 25 years and there's something else to live for now but I don't know what it is!  It's not more formal education and it's not a career (per se) and it's not marriage yet -- I just have no concrete picture to present.  I'm very attuned to what's in the wind and when I see it, well, I'll do it.  I feel very out of touch with most of the old people -- I just don't know where they are -- all I know is they're not where I am. You and my brother, Tim, are 2 people I can perceive as being close to where I am; Mardi is worlds away and it's something I'm sorry to see.  I'm not judging anybody or myself -- I'm just noting how it is.  I don't even blame Mardi or anyone anymore for their decisions -- I just accept it.  What can I say further?  I have no positive view of people one way or the other.  Look around and tell me if anyone has even begun on any sort of understanding, knowledgeable life -- a few have and there but then there's the fucking government and do you believe, does it seem at all reasonable that it keeps on day after day?  Today this guy tried to crash his helicopter into the White House and they put him in the psychiatric ward!  My God, they've got the wrong guy!  It is all so insane... I don't even think we have a congress at this point.  The people here are very angry and radicalized but these aren't the ones from the anti-war days -- they're the middle class -- the haves are mad now -- amazing, isn't it and doing civil disobedience and violence and still no one moves, no one does anything.  You know, they did a study of college students now and most of them have no memory or idea of the anti-war movement or the draft or Vietnam or Kent State and they could care less about impeachment or whatever -- I don't know what they're into now, but hey, it wasn't that long ago, how can it change that fast?  It's like national amnesia.  I remember Teddy being prepared to leave the country 5 years ago because of Vietnam and now he's a traveling representative for Dunkin' Donuts in Ohio!  It all seems to bizarre.  What I really see is a lot of people including me and everyone else, reach a certain age and just slip over the line into place and stop!

Well, I better stop raving here -- what good does it do?  I haven't even asked you what's up -- I see by your letter that Leslie is not one of the up things and school doesn't sound like one either -- it's been over a month since I got your letter -- I'm sure w/ your usual speedy recovery you've gotten into 10 new things by now.  Hey, I did begin a journal again in January and I really like doing it again -- this time it's much more free-flowing, but I don't keep it up on a daily basis -- it's more or less erratic but I've noticed that when  my mind reaches a certain point, at a given time in the cycle of moods.  I pick just when I feel the need to express myself the strongest -- I don't know.  Do you do it on a scheduled basis or wait for a time when you feel you should do it?

I'm going to bed now -- this letter is not what I intended --- I wish I could write you a better letter now but I can't.  Take care and keep writing.