January 12, 1977 (Letter from Grayce)

Saw this movie at the Pleasant Theater in Northampton on January 6

This person (to use the Buddhist locution) is at this moment in pain.  Actually there is something very comforting about pain in the o/ sense -- it's proof that we are actually ALIVE in a world where it's sometimes none too evident.  I mean th is not purely in the physical sense, of course.

The reason for the pain -- which is, in truth, beginning to subside -- is the extraction of the wisdom teeth (horror of horrors for a philosopher!) on the left side -- the right side will be done on Feb. 12th. (I can hardly wait to feel ALIVE again!)  We went to the dentist before Xmas & he told me in no uncertain terms that those teeth were not to stay in -- there simply was no room there for them. By the way -- by coincidence, our dentist went to dental school in Philly & we had quite a nice chat before he examined me -- an hour long chat, to be exact.  After an hour, I gently reminded him of hte purpose of my visit -- it was pretty funny, I thought.  On Saturday I went in -- a nervous wreck --I've never had a tooth pulled before & had lots of visions of the Medieval methods I'd read about.  (Naturally, I didn't sleep for several days before.)  But one whiff of the ole nitrous oxide & it was never never land for me.  I was conscious during the whole time, but not so one could notice. I think he talked to me, but I only remember smiling a lot.  He said (I remember only this) that I probably wasn't a heavy drinker because he gave me a very low amt of the oxide & I was already in another world.

Actually, part of this has been fun for the following reasons:

1. Milk shakes (but I'm getting hungry for some solid food -- mashed potatoes can get pretty boring after a while.)
2. Being waited on hand & foot (which isn't really necessary, since I can walk -- but far be it from me to deprive Brook of his pleasure in taking care of me (heh, heh).  Aren't I generous?
3. Not being pinched on the cheeks (a favorite habit of Brook's - -but not of me -- I'm afraid!)
4. Loss of 8 pounds (hopefully for good)

Oh well, I'm fairly optimistic for being a "sick person" -- huh?  I think tonight I'll be able to eat something resembling real rood, but I almost feel afraid to -- in case it would hurt.  It reminds me of an argument about the weakness of will we discussed in philosophy once:

--Agathon looks at the Athenian pastries.

--Agathon remembers the indigestion caused him by the Athenian pastries (As in my case, not indigestion, but sore gums!)

--Agathon wants to avoid eating the Athenian pastries (& he tells other people so.)

--Agathon east the Athenian pastries!

Reasons for this paradoxical phenomenon include the enmity between desires, rational preference & moral evaluation (doing what is thought "right").  These wants are different but all present at the same time.  The agent is free to act out which ever want he is conscious of -- the strongest usually being desire which is usually strong enough to prevent the other -- lesser -- wants from arising. Clear as mud?  I'll spare you all the details.  But it's a good argument to remember in times of temptations!!

I miss seeing you too.  It's hard to believe we've only seen each other 2x since GSLIS -- & 2 short & strange times, at that.  (Which feelings I mentioned to you in my letter following your last visit to us.)  It's just that it's almost like seeing you in a dream those 2x -- I don't even think I acted my right part then either, because it had the qualities of displacement which dreams have.  But I do feel very close to you & value our fine relationship very much.  Maybe someday we will see each other on a more regular basis -- who knows what will happen.  I sometimes do, but not in this case.  Maybe it's better not to know too much.  In some things, I don't want to know, like in death. I think about it sometimes.  I know you think I'm just afraid to get old, but really that doesn't enter into it.  I'd like to think I'm not that vain.  Mainly I think about it because on 1 of my grandparents has lived past 49!  This is reality-facing.  I mean, they say that your lifespan is based on inheritance.  My mother's parents both died of cancer -- my grandmother at 44 & my grandfather at 49.  This is not too encouraging & my father's father died at 49 of diabetes.  Am I being too morbid?  I don't feel morbid, but perhaps this is why I like to believe in reincarnation.  It's pleasant to think that death isn't the end.  It also brings up a possible answer to y our question of why we want to know someone intimately & others not at all.  I really feel that people we like immediately & are drawn to are people we've known in another life.  You may have been my father in another life or I your mother, or anything.  It's possibilities re almost endless.  I've recently read an account of a woman who was "regressed" by a hypnotist to find out who she was in a former life (some scoff at this, but not I!).  She remembered her name -- lived during the 18 century NEAR where she was living at this time.  (I think that's interesting.)  So this may explain something about time as well as space!  She looked up this other person's name & it was found that she'd been found guilty of poisoning her husband by some thing she put in his food (a common practice at that time, also). And -- this is really scary! -- her present husband was very suspicious of her cooking & was always asking what as in things she'd made.   Isn't that fantastic?  So he must have been her husband that she'd poisoned.  They tried to hypnotize him but he didn't believe in it & wasn't a good subject.  Maybe she just didn't want to know.  Is this a reasonable assumption?  I wouldn't want to know if Brook had murdered me in another life.  I'd be too afraid of history repeating itself.

I'm currently reading all of Iris Murdoch I can get my hands on.  I never heard of her prior to this but it seems that besides writing novels she's a philosophy don at Oxford.  So her style & subject matter often appeals to me.  I just happened to be drawn to one of her books at the library & ow I cant stop!

As for potatoland, we seem to be very at home here (maybe because of experiences in a former life?)  Neither of us has had to change our lifestyles very much -- except that I have to drive places, which is still foreign to me.  I feel like I'm in a space ship when I'm in that car & controlling it.

Actually, we've always lived fairly simply.  I like to spend my time reading & on my various hobbies which happily sometimes coincide with Brook's & Brook hasn't too much time, but he uses his spare time constructively.  We were never much for going out, except for dinner occasionally & there are so many nice places to go here for dinner (very surprising to us -- we never expected it) & also most re reasonably priced -- which helps!  It's a nice place & I feel so content.  I am going to get a job eventually, but I'm not sure when or at what & I'm in no hurry (especially since I'm scared to death of driving in the ice & snow!)  (We have had about 2 ft. of it in the past week.)  I hope something interesting will kind of drop out of somewhere.  (I know that's unrealistic) [But I still hope!]  Well, I guess that's about all for now!