March 1, 1977 (Letter from Grayce)

Your observations were quite lucid, I think.  Of course, that may be due to our thinking running so parallel.  You know, I am such a firm believer in reincarnation, karma, etc. (I find it's the only non-absurd explanation for the suffering of "innocent" people) I take it very much for granted.  Sometimes, I'd like very much for it to be true because it would mean that death would not be final & also that we'd have innumerable chances not only to learn (subconsciously, of course) but also we'd be around for all the exciting things that will happen to man as he evolves (that is, if he doesn't extinguish himself due to greed, etc. first!)

Other times, I think reincarnation is a weary project -- which I suppose is the merciful reason we don't remember past lives consciously, but they do show up in our actions, fears, loves, talents, etc.  (Sometimes, I can't wait to see that guy again -- so I can really dig into his mind -- isn't that terrible -- it sounds so Machiavellian!)

I'm grateful sometimes that my senses are not always so sensitive as they sometimes are.  I'm too apprehensive as it is about things.  (I've read that that could mean that a person has died quite a few violent deaths.)  I seem to pick up a lot of energy from several sources.  Maybe that's one reason I can't sleep soundly.  Brook has been amazed at how easily I wake up from what would be a sound sleep for a lot of others.  Once or twice, I've been asleep & he's just looked in my direction & my eyes are wide open!  I just feel things in my sleep, I guess.

I'm just sitting here in the living room listening to the soundtrack from Barry Lyndon.  I just love it.  There are so many traditional pieces on it -- from so many counties & they mesh amazingly well.  I mean Handel, Vivaldi, Bach, Mozart, Schubert, Paiseillo, not to mention a lot of Irish jigs & fife & drum stuff.  Have you ever heard it?  I'd love you to hear it & think you'd like it.  My favorite piece on the album is Mozart's March from Idomeneo. 

Meanwhile, Brook is studying for his test in Radiation Control.  He graduated from the first phase of the program last Friday & now he's in a more concentrated program which will last only 5 more weeks.  (Thanks be to God!)  He leaves at 5:45 each morning & gets home at 9:30 each night!  (Tonight he came home early because he's TIRED!)  After this, the shift work starts-- can't wait to see what that's like!

I read several of Boostin's things in my first year at Seton Hill.  They were very enlightening, but I don't remember the names of what I read.  I may reread some, if I can get them here.

If you do go to Phila for March, insist on a visit to the Perlman antique toy museum.  It really not to be missed.  I've seen several collections in other places, but never such an extensive or complete one.  (Several floors & really charming!! & also insist on Bookbinder's for a meal.  I don't think you've eaten fish til you've eaten there.  (Especially crab!)  The other fish I've really liked besides (in Phila) was Snookey's Oyster House (a dive, but good oysters) & a few other obscure places that don't even have names, along the waterfront.  I do wish I could give you the tour -- well, maybe someday.

By the way -- speaking of good fish -- if you're every by Sturbridge, Ma, take time for a dinner at the Publick House there.  (Lobster pie -- yum!)  Brook was actually going to drive us up for a weekend before we moved out here just so we could stuff ourselves, but it did get too hectic.  I envy you being near good fish!  There's nothing here but frozen.   (Yech!)  No Italian worth her salt ever eats frozen fish!!  (Unless desperate & I am getting desperate.)  Brook promises we'll catch some this summer, but I probably won't!!  How did I get on this subject?!?

I shoveled quite a lot of snow today.  I kind of enjoy that.  My only complaint about this area we live in is that there's no place to walk to.  I usually walk anyway -- but feel so purposeless about it & it gets boring to just look at houses -- although the mountains do make up for it, I guess.  I'm just used to not having to drive everywhere.  I'll try not to harp on this subject again. 

I'm afraid I scandalized the Avon Lady here.  She came to see if I wanted anything & I told her the last time I bought make-up (besides nail polish which was just a phase, I think) was for the senior prom.  (& I still have it!)

The solitude I experience here every day is doing something to me -- hopefully, something good.  I do feel that it's forcing me to deal with things in myself that should be faced.  I feel growth, but also pain.  I Try not to be dependent, but it's so hard.  Maybe I'll learn how to be alone, but it's a very difficult lesson for me to learn (although I know I should have learned it a long time ago.)  Sometimes, I feel as though I live in a silent film!  (Really.)  Brook wants to get me a pet to keep me company.  I haven't decided what yet.  He hates cats & I don't really want a dog.  (Maybe fish?!)  They'd fit right into the silence!  (Heh, heh.)  Take care.

I really like your introspective letters.

January 12, 1977 (Letter from Grayce)

Saw this movie at the Pleasant Theater in Northampton on January 6

This person (to use the Buddhist locution) is at this moment in pain.  Actually there is something very comforting about pain in the o/ sense -- it's proof that we are actually ALIVE in a world where it's sometimes none too evident.  I mean th is not purely in the physical sense, of course.

The reason for the pain -- which is, in truth, beginning to subside -- is the extraction of the wisdom teeth (horror of horrors for a philosopher!) on the left side -- the right side will be done on Feb. 12th. (I can hardly wait to feel ALIVE again!)  We went to the dentist before Xmas & he told me in no uncertain terms that those teeth were not to stay in -- there simply was no room there for them. By the way -- by coincidence, our dentist went to dental school in Philly & we had quite a nice chat before he examined me -- an hour long chat, to be exact.  After an hour, I gently reminded him of hte purpose of my visit -- it was pretty funny, I thought.  On Saturday I went in -- a nervous wreck --I've never had a tooth pulled before & had lots of visions of the Medieval methods I'd read about.  (Naturally, I didn't sleep for several days before.)  But one whiff of the ole nitrous oxide & it was never never land for me.  I was conscious during the whole time, but not so one could notice. I think he talked to me, but I only remember smiling a lot.  He said (I remember only this) that I probably wasn't a heavy drinker because he gave me a very low amt of the oxide & I was already in another world.

Actually, part of this has been fun for the following reasons:

1. Milk shakes (but I'm getting hungry for some solid food -- mashed potatoes can get pretty boring after a while.)
2. Being waited on hand & foot (which isn't really necessary, since I can walk -- but far be it from me to deprive Brook of his pleasure in taking care of me (heh, heh).  Aren't I generous?
3. Not being pinched on the cheeks (a favorite habit of Brook's - -but not of me -- I'm afraid!)
4. Loss of 8 pounds (hopefully for good)

Oh well, I'm fairly optimistic for being a "sick person" -- huh?  I think tonight I'll be able to eat something resembling real rood, but I almost feel afraid to -- in case it would hurt.  It reminds me of an argument about the weakness of will we discussed in philosophy once:

--Agathon looks at the Athenian pastries.

--Agathon remembers the indigestion caused him by the Athenian pastries (As in my case, not indigestion, but sore gums!)

--Agathon wants to avoid eating the Athenian pastries (& he tells other people so.)

--Agathon east the Athenian pastries!

Reasons for this paradoxical phenomenon include the enmity between desires, rational preference & moral evaluation (doing what is thought "right").  These wants are different but all present at the same time.  The agent is free to act out which ever want he is conscious of -- the strongest usually being desire which is usually strong enough to prevent the other -- lesser -- wants from arising. Clear as mud?  I'll spare you all the details.  But it's a good argument to remember in times of temptations!!

I miss seeing you too.  It's hard to believe we've only seen each other 2x since GSLIS -- & 2 short & strange times, at that.  (Which feelings I mentioned to you in my letter following your last visit to us.)  It's just that it's almost like seeing you in a dream those 2x -- I don't even think I acted my right part then either, because it had the qualities of displacement which dreams have.  But I do feel very close to you & value our fine relationship very much.  Maybe someday we will see each other on a more regular basis -- who knows what will happen.  I sometimes do, but not in this case.  Maybe it's better not to know too much.  In some things, I don't want to know, like in death. I think about it sometimes.  I know you think I'm just afraid to get old, but really that doesn't enter into it.  I'd like to think I'm not that vain.  Mainly I think about it because on 1 of my grandparents has lived past 49!  This is reality-facing.  I mean, they say that your lifespan is based on inheritance.  My mother's parents both died of cancer -- my grandmother at 44 & my grandfather at 49.  This is not too encouraging & my father's father died at 49 of diabetes.  Am I being too morbid?  I don't feel morbid, but perhaps this is why I like to believe in reincarnation.  It's pleasant to think that death isn't the end.  It also brings up a possible answer to y our question of why we want to know someone intimately & others not at all.  I really feel that people we like immediately & are drawn to are people we've known in another life.  You may have been my father in another life or I your mother, or anything.  It's possibilities re almost endless.  I've recently read an account of a woman who was "regressed" by a hypnotist to find out who she was in a former life (some scoff at this, but not I!).  She remembered her name -- lived during the 18 century NEAR where she was living at this time.  (I think that's interesting.)  So this may explain something about time as well as space!  She looked up this other person's name & it was found that she'd been found guilty of poisoning her husband by some thing she put in his food (a common practice at that time, also). And -- this is really scary! -- her present husband was very suspicious of her cooking & was always asking what as in things she'd made.   Isn't that fantastic?  So he must have been her husband that she'd poisoned.  They tried to hypnotize him but he didn't believe in it & wasn't a good subject.  Maybe she just didn't want to know.  Is this a reasonable assumption?  I wouldn't want to know if Brook had murdered me in another life.  I'd be too afraid of history repeating itself.

I'm currently reading all of Iris Murdoch I can get my hands on.  I never heard of her prior to this but it seems that besides writing novels she's a philosophy don at Oxford.  So her style & subject matter often appeals to me.  I just happened to be drawn to one of her books at the library & ow I cant stop!

As for potatoland, we seem to be very at home here (maybe because of experiences in a former life?)  Neither of us has had to change our lifestyles very much -- except that I have to drive places, which is still foreign to me.  I feel like I'm in a space ship when I'm in that car & controlling it.

Actually, we've always lived fairly simply.  I like to spend my time reading & on my various hobbies which happily sometimes coincide with Brook's & Brook hasn't too much time, but he uses his spare time constructively.  We were never much for going out, except for dinner occasionally & there are so many nice places to go here for dinner (very surprising to us -- we never expected it) & also most re reasonably priced -- which helps!  It's a nice place & I feel so content.  I am going to get a job eventually, but I'm not sure when or at what & I'm in no hurry (especially since I'm scared to death of driving in the ice & snow!)  (We have had about 2 ft. of it in the past week.)  I hope something interesting will kind of drop out of somewhere.  (I know that's unrealistic) [But I still hope!]  Well, I guess that's about all for now!