February 10, 1977 (Letter from Harriet)

A trip to Northampton to see



Right now I'm in the student center at the University -- yes, I'm a student again!  My life has changed considerably and I wanted to tell you about it in excuse for my lack of correspondence. Oh, by the way, the reason why I sounded so dry over the phone when I spoke to you was that I was using the university watts line & I was sort of in a hurry.

Anyway, I have commenced my sojourn into the world of the scientist doing his preliminary studies.  I am taking a heavy course load consisting of "Geological Oceanography", "Chemical Oceanography", "Statistics in Research",  and Ballet (it's wonderful).  I have also begun some research with good promise of it metamorphosing into a masters thesis.  I have started to learn about the ocean plankton, (the little creatures which live on the ocean surface) something of which I know nothing about.  I am going to take water samples in a few sites in an estuary around here, identify the zooplankton, and then, by next year, have a good idea of the seasonal variation in the community of the river.  Then I will do somewhat of the same for bottom living animals at the same sites & correlate the two.  Since I can't identify any plankton yet, it is a self-teaching experience -- just me & my gold ol' microscope.  All of this, plus laboratories, reports, etc. makes for one pretty busy person.  My only weekend not spent working was when I went to Binghamton.  (Had a great time.)

Otherwise, things have been fine.  My tirp was great -- went to Arizona, California (L.A. & San Diego), and Denver, Colorado.  It was so nice -- I saw all of my close friends who have recently moved from the east, not to mention my closest friend from NYC.  It seems that we did so much in 3 weeks - -we even hit Mexico for a day.  Charlotte & I had a great time with each other, & all in all it was a fine break.

As you can tell from my recent trends, I just haven't been in a writing mood as of late -- I hope that you dont' take this to mean that I haven't been thinking of you because I have.  You are right, it is time we renewed our friendship.  It's so hard for me to plan on anything now though -- so hard to find time for anything except my immediate needs.  I am going to have to get things together. Anyway, I am going to try to get away for a day or so next weekend to Boston.  While I'm there, I'll probably see Tony.  If you get a chance, maybe we could see each other there.  If not, I'm not sure when I will be able to scrounging up another weekend before the spring  other than to see my folks in NYC.  Write or keep in touch -- I hope to see you soon.

January 12, 1977 (Letter from Grayce)

Saw this movie at the Pleasant Theater in Northampton on January 6

This person (to use the Buddhist locution) is at this moment in pain.  Actually there is something very comforting about pain in the o/ sense -- it's proof that we are actually ALIVE in a world where it's sometimes none too evident.  I mean th is not purely in the physical sense, of course.

The reason for the pain -- which is, in truth, beginning to subside -- is the extraction of the wisdom teeth (horror of horrors for a philosopher!) on the left side -- the right side will be done on Feb. 12th. (I can hardly wait to feel ALIVE again!)  We went to the dentist before Xmas & he told me in no uncertain terms that those teeth were not to stay in -- there simply was no room there for them. By the way -- by coincidence, our dentist went to dental school in Philly & we had quite a nice chat before he examined me -- an hour long chat, to be exact.  After an hour, I gently reminded him of hte purpose of my visit -- it was pretty funny, I thought.  On Saturday I went in -- a nervous wreck --I've never had a tooth pulled before & had lots of visions of the Medieval methods I'd read about.  (Naturally, I didn't sleep for several days before.)  But one whiff of the ole nitrous oxide & it was never never land for me.  I was conscious during the whole time, but not so one could notice. I think he talked to me, but I only remember smiling a lot.  He said (I remember only this) that I probably wasn't a heavy drinker because he gave me a very low amt of the oxide & I was already in another world.

Actually, part of this has been fun for the following reasons:

1. Milk shakes (but I'm getting hungry for some solid food -- mashed potatoes can get pretty boring after a while.)
2. Being waited on hand & foot (which isn't really necessary, since I can walk -- but far be it from me to deprive Brook of his pleasure in taking care of me (heh, heh).  Aren't I generous?
3. Not being pinched on the cheeks (a favorite habit of Brook's - -but not of me -- I'm afraid!)
4. Loss of 8 pounds (hopefully for good)

Oh well, I'm fairly optimistic for being a "sick person" -- huh?  I think tonight I'll be able to eat something resembling real rood, but I almost feel afraid to -- in case it would hurt.  It reminds me of an argument about the weakness of will we discussed in philosophy once:

--Agathon looks at the Athenian pastries.

--Agathon remembers the indigestion caused him by the Athenian pastries (As in my case, not indigestion, but sore gums!)

--Agathon wants to avoid eating the Athenian pastries (& he tells other people so.)

--Agathon east the Athenian pastries!

Reasons for this paradoxical phenomenon include the enmity between desires, rational preference & moral evaluation (doing what is thought "right").  These wants are different but all present at the same time.  The agent is free to act out which ever want he is conscious of -- the strongest usually being desire which is usually strong enough to prevent the other -- lesser -- wants from arising. Clear as mud?  I'll spare you all the details.  But it's a good argument to remember in times of temptations!!

I miss seeing you too.  It's hard to believe we've only seen each other 2x since GSLIS -- & 2 short & strange times, at that.  (Which feelings I mentioned to you in my letter following your last visit to us.)  It's just that it's almost like seeing you in a dream those 2x -- I don't even think I acted my right part then either, because it had the qualities of displacement which dreams have.  But I do feel very close to you & value our fine relationship very much.  Maybe someday we will see each other on a more regular basis -- who knows what will happen.  I sometimes do, but not in this case.  Maybe it's better not to know too much.  In some things, I don't want to know, like in death. I think about it sometimes.  I know you think I'm just afraid to get old, but really that doesn't enter into it.  I'd like to think I'm not that vain.  Mainly I think about it because on 1 of my grandparents has lived past 49!  This is reality-facing.  I mean, they say that your lifespan is based on inheritance.  My mother's parents both died of cancer -- my grandmother at 44 & my grandfather at 49.  This is not too encouraging & my father's father died at 49 of diabetes.  Am I being too morbid?  I don't feel morbid, but perhaps this is why I like to believe in reincarnation.  It's pleasant to think that death isn't the end.  It also brings up a possible answer to y our question of why we want to know someone intimately & others not at all.  I really feel that people we like immediately & are drawn to are people we've known in another life.  You may have been my father in another life or I your mother, or anything.  It's possibilities re almost endless.  I've recently read an account of a woman who was "regressed" by a hypnotist to find out who she was in a former life (some scoff at this, but not I!).  She remembered her name -- lived during the 18 century NEAR where she was living at this time.  (I think that's interesting.)  So this may explain something about time as well as space!  She looked up this other person's name & it was found that she'd been found guilty of poisoning her husband by some thing she put in his food (a common practice at that time, also). And -- this is really scary! -- her present husband was very suspicious of her cooking & was always asking what as in things she'd made.   Isn't that fantastic?  So he must have been her husband that she'd poisoned.  They tried to hypnotize him but he didn't believe in it & wasn't a good subject.  Maybe she just didn't want to know.  Is this a reasonable assumption?  I wouldn't want to know if Brook had murdered me in another life.  I'd be too afraid of history repeating itself.

I'm currently reading all of Iris Murdoch I can get my hands on.  I never heard of her prior to this but it seems that besides writing novels she's a philosophy don at Oxford.  So her style & subject matter often appeals to me.  I just happened to be drawn to one of her books at the library & ow I cant stop!

As for potatoland, we seem to be very at home here (maybe because of experiences in a former life?)  Neither of us has had to change our lifestyles very much -- except that I have to drive places, which is still foreign to me.  I feel like I'm in a space ship when I'm in that car & controlling it.

Actually, we've always lived fairly simply.  I like to spend my time reading & on my various hobbies which happily sometimes coincide with Brook's & Brook hasn't too much time, but he uses his spare time constructively.  We were never much for going out, except for dinner occasionally & there are so many nice places to go here for dinner (very surprising to us -- we never expected it) & also most re reasonably priced -- which helps!  It's a nice place & I feel so content.  I am going to get a job eventually, but I'm not sure when or at what & I'm in no hurry (especially since I'm scared to death of driving in the ice & snow!)  (We have had about 2 ft. of it in the past week.)  I hope something interesting will kind of drop out of somewhere.  (I know that's unrealistic) [But I still hope!]  Well, I guess that's about all for now!

December 11, 1976 (Letter from Harriet)

It's 1:00 AM.  I've just come home and decided at the time was ripe for this letter to happen.  Paul, I was really touched by your letter.  I never expected it.  I didn't think that I'd ever hear from you again.

Paul, do you remember when we met, just about a year ago?  Although the attracted was physical, for sure, the spiritual aspect was there, at least for me.  If you remember, I told you that I had been having bad times and that I was not that happy those days.  That was an understatement.  When we met, I thought that you could make me laugh & bring me out of the depression.  I guess our distance aborted that from happening.  I had just spent a relationship with someone trying to draw him out -- getting at the feelings and emotions that were deep down under. That experience really drained me.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm feeling better these days, more confident about myself and happy about my life.  I feel, though, that I'm exhausted, tired with trying to get someone to tell me about themselves.  I want someone to look closely at me, try to understand my inner workings, and draw me out.  I hope that you understand.

What I'm saying.  I'm not sure that a relationship between us could work.  Instead, let us keep the friendship that should have started in the first place.  I'm going to California for a few weeks & will be back in January sometime.  Write & tell me what you think.  Have a Merry Christmas -- will you be in Pennsylvania?  Tell me what you are doing with yourself -- this year you will not be having a traditional 10 day vacation -- those days are over!  As for me -- finals are here again!!

P.S.  Have your heard from Tony??

November 21, 1976 (Letter from Renee)

Received your letter this week and I was happy to hear from you once again.  You're so great about taking the initiative to write after my long periods of non-correspondence.  It is amazing to me still that after all these year (10 since I've been out of H.S.) that we, as friends, still manage to keep in touch.  It makes me feel good!   I was blessed with 2 letters in 1 week -- 1 from you & 1 from Mardi.  How lucky can I get?

Your letter touched me deeply, for I, too, am experiencing a great deal of depression over my "present state of affairs" concerning my job & my future in the working world.  I am more fortunate than you, however, in the fact that I have Morrey to share in my problems and to guide me in my decisions.  I have decided that this will be my last year of teaching school.  In June I'll hit the "road" looking for a new job.  I am very unhappy with the conditions at school, with the people I work with, and , above all, w/ the people that run the school.  At this point in my life, I feel that I am "giving too much of myself" to my work and I haven't had time to be a good wife or really a good friend.  I feel torn between my school obligations and my private life & family.  When I leave teaching I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I left as a successful teacher and I also know that I'm not really leaving because other people forced me -- but because I forced myself.  I feel as if I've reached the end of my goals in teaching and there's nothing more there for me to tackle -- at which point one begins to fall into a situation in which she rests on past performances instead of reaching for new dimensions!  I want to quit teaching before my attitude reflects in my teaching performance.  There are too many people at my school who long ago gave up on  being good teachers, and who now are in the profession 1) because it pays more than other jobs they could find & 2) because it's routine, easy & no sweat if you don't give a damn anyway.  For a long time, Paul, I was so depressed about the whole thing, but now that I've made up my mind to quit & do something else -- I feel almost as if I'd been given a reprieve.  I feel "cleansed" once I made the decision to quite.  Well, so much for that for now.

I've had a very difficult time of it these last 2 months, Paul.  My grandfather's death wasn't hard for me to accept at first, but now I am feeling the "great loss" to me and my family.  Morrey & I have been to Warren several times since then, and it will take my parents a while to adjust.  I have desperately wanted to spend more time w2/ them but because of my job & other demands I have not been able to.  They are coming here for Thanksgiving and Morrey & I have planned a "fun" weekend.   My mother is scheduled to go in to Warren General for gall bladder surgery on Dec. 15th and I am leaving school 3 days early (before our Xmas vacation)  to be with my father.  I will be in Warren through the Xmas-New Years holidays and I am very much looking forward to seeing you, Paul, and to spending time renewing acquaintances with people from Warren.  If possible I hope you & I could find time to go & visit w/ Mrs. Coe, our h.s. English teacher.  At any rate, call me at my folks' when you get in town.

I told Morrey about y our unhappiness in Springfield and how expensive it was to live there.  He told me to tell you to come to Columbus & stay with us for awhile and perhaps look for work here.  I want you to know Paul that the invitation we're extending is more sincere -- we do have an extra bedroom.  And plenty of room for you and we wouldn't be inconvenienced or bothered a bit if you took us up on the offer.  Morrey is not the type to offer unless he likes someone and really cares -- and he does like you Paul!  Please give some consideration to the idea.  Perhaps we can discuss it at Xmas time.

Paul, I wish there was something I could do to help you in your present circumstances.  I feel for you, and from the tone of your letter, I can share in your feelings of frustration & depression.  Paul, we've been friends for a long time.  Of you need money, Morrey and I would be happy to help you out.  We're not rolling in money, but we do have some and would be happy as an act of friendship to loan you want  you might need.  I've discussed this with Morrey and he supports the offer so please don't hesitate if you're in a hole and need some financial help.  I know that if the circumstances were reversed, you'd do the same for us.

I am writing this letter while watching the NBC 50 years of NBC show and I'm finding that I can't do 2 things at once successfully so I'll close this letter for now cause Morrey's bugging me to watch with him.

Please take care & be well Paul.  Write again soon & I'll plan to see you at Xmas time in Warren.

August 5, 1976 (Letter from Grayce)

Just sitting here, catching my breath -- it's only 9 AM and already I'm tired -- I think I'll probably be able to sleep tonight.  I've been trying to organize some of my accumulated things (of which there are far too many!) It certainly is work!

I meant to write soon after you left, but for some reason (besides being busy showing the house, etc.) I just couldn't seem to.  I'm not sure exactly why, but when I've seen you for a few days & then you leave, I don't seem to be able to write very soon.  It's almost as if I have to let you recede a bit, so I can see you at a distance (reminiscent of the idea that one sees one's friends more clearly from a distance as a mountain climber see that which he had climbed?)

I think it's because I'm so happy when I do get to see you that I don't fully believe that you are here, when you are here, & when you leave, it's like I have to sort out a dream of oms kind . . . does this make any sense at all?  I'm sure I'm not getting the emotion on this piece of paper!

Regarding our house -- we have had quite a few inquiries (especially from the Sunday ad) but Westinghouse offered us an amount which almost was what we asked, so allowing for closing costs (which they pay), legal fees (ditto) & trouble of transferring deeds & other general time-consuming & boring details (which we will be ecstatic for them to take care of ) -- we feel it is all around better to sell to them. (We only had a certain amt of time to accept their offer &^ were afraid if we sold it privately, there might be a delay with the buyers getting a loan right away & we can't wait 'cause we have to pay for the new house.

This week we are planning to take the beveled glass out of the front door & also the stained glass window on the third floor (which you never saw -- it's plain, but has some nice colors).  It's going to be quite a task -- since neither of us has done it, but I have faith in Brook's skill.  (Myself -- I would do best to keep myself scarce   I'm so clumsy!)  I just will be very upset if the windows break.  I plan to learn how to make stained glass, but only God knows when, (or where) -- certainly not in Pocatello (although one never knows.)  Actually, I know the rudiments, I'd just need some good equipment & some (much) practice.  Maybe I should get more competent at weaving first, though. It's not too good to have too many interests at once.  Between Brook &^ myself, we're bound to cover everything before long -- I'll be jaded by the time I'm 28!  (Like Kierkegaard.)

I feel such an affinity with him.  Maybe because his life was full of such pathos -- it just seems to affect me so much.  He was such an "indirect" person, but his philosophy really had a great effect -- (although he always refused to admit to being a philosopher! -- he detested Hegelian logic and didn't want to be associated with its consequences in any way) as for its consequence s-- Hegel personalizes history & let it roam wherever it liked.  Many feel that Hegel's ideas greatly affected Heidegger & that he in turn came up with the Aryan purity of race idea which in turn brought about the climate in which a Hitler could flourish.  (But he also brought about a climate in which Marx could write.)  It was such an open-ended philosophy -- that was its main problem.  As a matter of act -- Kierkegaard & Marx attended the very same Hegel course in Berlin (but never got acquainted) & came out with such totally diverse ideas -- it's something that's hard to believe.  Oh well, enough of this lecture.  (Wake up, Tweety!)

The yoga seems to be progressing.  My body often wants to balk at taking time to slow down & relax for the exercises, & that is supposed to mean progress.  (The book says your body wants to be lazy (mine certainly does) & to get old -- so any attempt to rouse it from its natural course, it will try to thwart).  I really feel that this helps me relax, though.  I am a tense person & now I feel much more relaxed than I did.  Part of this is because I don't have to be at Seton Hill anymore, but part must be due to the yoga, I feel.

I got something neat in the mail yesterday.  (A 2 carat diamond, hee hee)  Actually, it's one of those Wellington counterfeit diamonds, but it does look real & it's just in a very plain setting.  I rather like it (but it's so rock-like, I don't think I'll wear it very much.)  I forgot to mention that this was one of the third prizes in a mail-order catalog contest.  Occasionally, I enter these things, just for the fun of it, and occasionally I do win something.  This ring is worth about $50 (they say $75, but I don't think so) so I suppose it's nothing to sneeze at.  (Maybe next time, I'll win the car?)

Well, I suppose I'll try to get t his in the mail today.  We are going golfing tonight (neither of us has ever been) with the people upstairs.  I'm sure I'll be terrible (it's certain to be a lot harder than miniature golf!)

February 8, 1975 (Letter from Barb L)

How long have I been here anyway?  This is the first installment from Warren since Christmas -- I can't believe my gross neglect of just about all correspondence, including my journal.  It was good to hear from you again.  When you described your yearning for the road again, I felt a wince of recognition -- the spell comes over me frequently, but I never see myself as I used to be.  I feel that my desire is to recreate my spiritual state at that time, as exemplified by my mobility then.  As things are now, I don't know how to express that yearning for freedom in an age (?) appropriate manner.  I was talking to Mardi about this last Thursday (while Martin was out bowling) and she commented that these feelings are no longer in her life at all and she never thinks of them. The thrust of her statement was that she's a completely satisfied person, now that she has a job that she likes again.  This was the 2nd time that we've "talked" in 3 months, and it didn't do anything to bridge the tremendous gulf between us.  The only rapport we seem to have is talking about feelings in the past -- it's uncanny.  She has taken on many of Martin's attitudes and seems quite content with them.  I just don't know how to talk about it -- it seems so weird to me! No matter how she puts out the story that she's happy, there's no sparkle in her as there always was before -- I don't know, I can't put  my finger on it.  Since we both started working I don't see her anyway -- I call her once in a while and say hello -- in between social engagements.

Yes, I got a job.  Have worked for 1 weeks for low, low money   Am working for ANC Enterprises on Conewango Ave -- a sheltered workshop for retarded and handicapped adults.  This guy and I were hired as aides.  I'm supposed to be teaching arts and crafts, but since I don't know beans about arts and crafts I'm learning along with them.  We had both registered at CETA -- the federal manpower thing and were placed there.  I don't  know if I'm enthusiastic about it or not -- some days I like it and some I wonder what I'm doing there!  Much time is needed to form a relationship to each of the people because there' such a diversity -- some have IQ's below 70, some are crippled w/ brain damage, some are recently discharged State Hospital patients, most are on medication, too.  I think my role as aide is the problem, because I have no real responsibility and can't make any policy, even as far as what we're going to do for an afternoon.  After my job at Children's I'm used to taking responsibility and being independent.  Other than that aspect, I like what I'm doing although what I really wanted was to work with children, as opposed to mental-age children!  It seems that I never have a chance in this area (Warren) to do what I want to do.  People seem to be more rigid in their hiring, being more impressed w/ a B.A. from Edinboro than with much (or any) relevant experience or aptitude.  I'm going through the usual culture shock of living there.  Everytime I'm here I look at the whole scene a little differently -- I always sense a certain shallowness in attitudes that I don't  find among even the neighborhood people in Boston.  They have a certain knowledge and toughness that there is not evidence of here.  I can look at myself and acknowledge my own attitudes when I first left school and went to Mass and they seemed to be based on a pretty shaky foundation.  I would not want to bring up a family in Warren. Smalltown life may be more stifling mentality than city life for kids.  Duh -- who knows.

Now that I have a job I don't know how I'm going to pull off this travelling to Montana, but never fear, I will think of something.  What I'm thinking of it coming out and staying for a month or so -- I'd have to sell my car, if it lasts still spring that is!  It barely makes it around Warren.  Brakes just went on it again so I've been carless all week.  Just had a whole bunch of work done a few weeks ago to get my PA inspection.  shit, nothing hash worked out in an easy way.  When I really wanted to come out in August I could have done it but I felt too responsible to my job and couldn't gracefully get out of it till late October.  I felt a commitment both to the kids and to the staff.  I wished that I could have stayed there but still left Boston.  Boy am I confused!  Meanwhile, Rick is still calling me -- shades of 2 years ago.  As usual, he wants me to come back and then of course we could be happy in some fairy tale.  He doesn't  even have an inkling that he is reaching back to about a 6 month period three years ago and labeling it "happiness".  I could never be that person again.  What bums me out is that since then I have failed to encounter a man who I want to have a close relationship with.  It's incredible -- after all these recent years of hordes of people passing through, everyone seems to be permanently placed in a slot.  Where did the people our age go?  Are they all married with families or what?  Did you know that I turned 26 last month?  Ye gods -- I have a nagging sensation that I should be carving out a career for myself and making house payments instead of watching the sunset and lighting up to Dave Mason!  I think "dissonance" is the descriptive term.  One nite in Jan, Timmy and Rita and Rita's brother, Peter and I went out -- went to the Drafthouse, played pool, etc. -- then went over to Jon Thorton's house (another brother -- who is working here at Legal Services) and listened to "our time" records -- when we heard "Truckin" we all looked at each other.  It was like alma mater, in comparison to the gray reality that is today.  Have we all outgrown our ideas or has everything changed around us silently?  Did you know that Warren has its own little counterculture?  I keep running into these stray people -- this long-haired guy whose here setting up a half-way house (fresh from Boston!), the lawyer at Legal Services (another freak fresh from B.U.!), the guy running CETA (ditto) -- there are more -- I don't know why these people end up in Warren, Pa but here we all are.  First I deal w/ this group and w/ the clients at work, then I may go up to Timmy's and get stoned in Scandia, then I walk into Mardi's and Marti's and it's a different world, what can I say -- do your thing, man!



I went down to Meadville to see Joan 2 weekends ago -- was very curious as to how she was getting along.  Her divorce proceedings are almost over and she'll be free again, free again.  I was honestly impressed w/ the Unity Center as far as their day-care program goes -- it's one of the best I've seen.  Joan is extremely busy and is working at her job 24 hours a day, which she should cut down on, but what's important is that she needs this commitment now so let it be.  She has a apt upstairs from Freddie's sister and her husband and baby, -- there 2 are real nice people, completely opposite from Freddie.  They're poor of course, but graceful and friendly.  I felt that Joan was doing the best I've seen her in 4 years.  The old wheel keeps a-turnin' for us all.

So -- so much for me, you, Mardi, and Joan.  We're all in our usual places I guess -- Joan's committed, Mardi's secure, I'm learning, and you're independent.  Think of the confusion if we decided to switch roles, which if we were really free, we'd be able to do at will.  "Conscious labor and intentional suffering" -- that's Gurdjieff.  Get ahold of his books if you feel like stretching your mind out to nowhere   Meetings w/ Remarkable Men and Beelzebub's Tales to his Grandson are the ones that are most readily available.   I used to read him on the subway last year -- talk about splitting your worlds!  I admit at the closing that I miss Beantown, only because it's winter and that's the time to be there if you're going to be there at all and I do miss the music -- live, on radio, records, etc.  This is a desert for music.  I did hook up my radio to the TV cable so once in awhile I get Buffalo and Erie.  But they can't compare to CAS in Cambridge, my favorite station of all time. Warren FM has hit an all-time low -- now it's the "piped-in music" genre -- gross.  But Leroy Schneck likes it so what can I say?  I will now head on downstairs to watch the late show -- this is a groovy Saturday night alright.  I really wish you were here, Paul for you unsurpassed companionship, camaraderie and all that.  I would take Harry out with me, but they won't let her in the movies    Isn't that narrow of them?  They did on the Vineyard!  They had this two-bit theater in Vineyard Haven complete w/wooden chairs and a home-movie screen and I took Harry once. She enjoyed it immensely.

Well, take care and remember Frank Zappa's immortal tune -- "Going to Montana soon, going to be a dental floss tycoon.."

P.S.  My brother Danny has switched from a Ph.D. program in Amer Studies to -- guess what -- Library Science (M.A.)  There's your replacement in Deer Lodge in bout a year and a half.  (long time!)

September 3, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

It has been a long time, my friend and I have much to tell you.

I am in Berkeley, California and have been since Thursday. Tomorrow I move into my dorm room and another year of school begins.  I want to say that it's hard to believe but that just isn't true.  I've been out here mentally since Aug 13, the day after Jerry's and my car died.

All summer long I knew I would be leaving but it wasn't a reality.  I was very much involved in Buffalo, Gowanda, Springville, etc., on a day to day basis, but nonetheless it was my existence; thinking of changing it just was an abstraction.  All my needs were being satisfied, or at least enough of them that I was perfectly content, a point I shall elaborate on later.

On the day I left for New York, the Friday before the 13th, Jerry and I woke up at 9am and I was going to drive him to work.  (He had a second job with an architectural firm in Buffalo.)  We had gotten in from Gowanda and our going away party there about 5 am.  Jerry said he would ride my bike to work, I could go back to sleep and he would have a way home.  I said OK and went back to sleep.  I finally got up and left Buffalo with my two riders about 2, and drove to Harvey's house.  Saturday he and I visited Elise and Marty, Janet (Harvey's flame for the summer and Elise's best friend), Kenny and Janet, Harvey and I drove in to see Tom Rush in Central Park.  The concert was very nice and driving to Manhattan was tremendous.  I really got into the role of a New York driver.  Anyway, on Sunday on the way back, our gleaming beauty ran through more oil than ever before and after 170 miles of driving it was low enough for the engine to seize up.  Totaled.  It cost $31 to have it towed, the tower was really a bastard.  Enough of the sordid details from that end.

I called Jerry to tell him.  Actually I had called Sunshine House and they got in touch with him and I called him back there.  So eh already knew before I talked to him.  When I started to tell him, he cut in ad said, "Tony first of all I want to tell you that your bike was ripped off."  I started to laugh hysterically.  The only two things of any value that I owned and in one weekend they disappear.

Jerry had felt very badly about having the bike stolen while he had it.  He had locked it and put it on the front porch of the place he worked on Elmwood Ave.  He had tried to figure out how he could make it up to me and he decided he would give me his half of the car.  So when I called and we told each other what happened we were more relieved than upset.  I had felt badly about the car and he had felt badly about the bike.  But it all evened out.

Up until this point, I hadn't been ready to leave Buffalo.  I was very anxious about leaving.  After that it was much easier.  That car provided the theme for the summer, with it gone, my mind was ready to think about life out here and my body finally arrived a week and a half later.

It was exciting to make all new plans and get everything reorganized.  I spent a day walking from Springville to Gowanda along Cattaraugus Creek, through Zoar Valley.  It wasn't as nice as it sounds because it rained but it was enjoyable.

Now, with the preliminaries out of the way, I shall get down to the serious part of my letter.

The week before I went to New York, my sister Rose's husband attempted suicide.  They hadn't been living together since March, but things had started looking better the last month when suddenly Kim snapped.  He took half a bottle of aspirin.  He was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for a while, he refused to cooperate with the doctors, he was released.  He went back to the room he had been staying in.  One day he telephoned my sister and told her some voices in his head told him to burn her car but that he wouldn't do that because he was too rational.  A few days later, a fire broke out in Kim's room, destroying most of his clothes, his books and records.  He escaped unharmed.  No one was sure what started the fire.  Kim went back in as a patient at the  hospital.  He was given electric shock treatment.  My sister, as a nurse, had worked on a psychiatric ward previously and had seen the effect of electric shocks.  Now this man she had lived with for a year, learned to share with and depend on, was going through that treatment.  She could envision him convulsing on the table.  And she knew that very few of the patients she had worked with had been helped by this method.  It is somewhat of a last ditch attempt.

Rose had been thinking of getting an annulment for some time, she had felt, however, extremely guilty about doing so.  She felt some responsibility for making her marriage work, even now.  And the worst part was that she began to wonder, why had the marriage not worked, what had caused Kim to become so distant, so withdrawn, what had pushed him to commit suicide and led him to the state he was in now.  What part had she, as the closest, by far the closest, person to him played in this tragedy.

I went down to visit her on the 20th.  I had planned a long time ago to stop there on my way out to Calif with my car, then when my car died and I heard about what was happening I flew down to be with her for 4 days.

I had suggested a divorce to her a long time ago, at that time she was very much opposed.  Now, with so many things changed, she had decided to file for an annulment.  The major reason was that Kim's parents were coming up from Louisville to take him back and commit him to a private institution.  There is an Ohio state law that prohibits any separation, annulment or divorce from a person committed to a mental institution, for a period of 4 years.  If Kim were to improve, they might possibly be able to get back together.  If not, she would have to wait 4 years.  (It is 7 years in N.Y.)

The day after I left, Friday Aug 24, Rose filed for the annulment.  It cost $300.  The next day Kim's parents took him to Louisville where everything had been set up and he was committed.  Rose went down the next Monday to see him. That day a blood vessel in Kim's brain burst and Kim died.  A memorial service was held the next night, Kim was then cremated.  Rose never saw him after he died. When I talked to her, she felt numb, a lack of feeling rather than anything else.  This was three days before he had died.  Rose went back to Columbus because she just couldn't stand being around Kim's mother.  That woman had been hysterical.  On sympathy cards sent to her and her husband, she crossed out "son" and put her name there.

Paul, when I left after those 4 days down there, I was really depressed.  There was almost nothing I could do for Rose, and she was going through such hell.  All summer had been so hard for her and then, after a ray of hope, everything crashed down on her.  My god, how much pain can a person be expected to endure.

A long time ago Rose and I had talked about suicide and she had said that if a person could look ahead and see more pain than happiness then she saw suicide as a viable alternative.  I just hope she has enough life left in her that she wants to continue fighting on.

She's been working 40 hours a week and the job of a nurse isn't a very cheery one.  That has been of minor importance but this long drawn out suffering has soured that even more and tinged everything else in her lie.  She was quite cynical when I visited, she didn't trust many people, she couldn't enjoy many things.

And her question and the one I put to you is WHY?

WHY did she have to go through this.

WHY did Kim, an intelligent, young, healthy man go insane and then die.

I can only shrug my shoulders and ascribe it to bad luck.  There is a possibility for disaster every moment of one's life.  I must accept it and to some extent forget it.

I have been on my own out here and I've been extremely excited about conquering new worlds, on my own.  Yet at any time, my frailty and insignificance could overwhelm me and then, what of my little triumphs.

I refuse to dwell on that because I have no answers, not even a hope of seeing the answer.  I would be most interested to hear your views.

I am now actually quite happy and bursting with confidence.  I fell primed to handle anything normal that comes my way.  My creativity is merely waiting for a channel and I'm sure it will soon come up.  Buffalo was a little too comfortable this past summer.

This is the theme I was running through my mind this afternoon as I was walking around Berkeley.  This letter is getting rather long but I want to get this last part down and then I'll end.

I had, in 4 years, established myself in Buffalo to such an extent that I had no dreams.  You mentioned the idea of living your dreams.  Well, I guess my last 5 months in Buffalo, I had no more dreams to strive for.  I was very happy to live my day to day existence.  I had many friends around and man y people I respected.

In you, Jerry, Michael, Joanie, Dr. Holmes, and John in Springville I had around me people that I admired and was learning from.  I was, again, content to absorb all these good influences and work 3 days and entertain myself the other 4.  And things were set up so that I didn't have to look for entertainment.  I had everything right there.  There were always people, friends, to party with.

All the patterns had been worked out, their needs and mine were pretty clear and understood.  The people I wanted round me the most were around me the most.

You, with your individuality and personal philosophy, Jerry, with his sharp mind and impressive manner, Michael, with his lightness and simple enjoyment energy, Joanie, with her strength and her gregarious personality, Holmes, with this scientific and somewhat cynical approach to life, and John with his creativity and a really basic enjoyment of himself, had the qualities that I felt I lacked or was weak in.  I watched, listened and shared with these people, now I am no longer a student in the classroom; now is the time for me to synthesize all these things into my own shape.

Of course I had tried all these things in Buffalo, but I had been limited by the very structure I had spent so much time building.

Old habits persisted, expectations on both sides had been established and the surroundings were too comfortable, I had pretty much attained all I wanted or hoped to in Buffalo.

Now I am in a place with no established social structure around me.  I shall in the next three years build on, and it is up to me to design it, and I am looking forward to that eagerly.  It will be a test, a challenge.

I have started a journal to record what happens and how I fell and also to serve as a reminder for when I start to ease up.  I fell very well organized, even physically.  All my belongings are here in 2 suitcases and a back pack or else in the attic of 75 LeBrun.  All I need is here with me.  Mentally I feel sharp and confident and I have so far kept the newness and strangeness as a positive tool rather than as a scary destructive force.  I feel very much in control of the situation.

I've been pacing myself, giving me time for reflection and organizing and dreaming.  You see, now I can dream again.

And these dream can be more ambitious than any that I ever had before and I have 34 years here to fulfill them and then on to another set.  I would like to somehow keep this newness around me, but realistically I see it fading and being replaced by the somewhat more staid feeling of familiarity.

Perhaps I can learn to use accomplishments as fuel to fire my dreams, but that might also lead to disappointment.

Well, we'll see how it turns out.  I have been somewhat spoiled by my good luck, I have usually had the right thing come up without having to push for it.  If, again, I can transfer that to a basis of confidence from which I can move up, I shall be very pleased.

It looks to be an exciting time ahead.  Write and tell me what happened at the closing scenes of the "Cottage Story".  That position you were in seemed a lot like mine in Buffalo.

I talked to Ralph just before I left.  He still wasn't sure what he was going to be up to after Chautauqua closed.  maybe he's in Florida working in a hotel.  Maybe he's bicycling around the world.  At last report Herbie was doing much better.  I have to write to him soon.

October 23, 1969 (Letter from Renee)

I was certainly glad to year from you, cause I wasn't too sure of your address either, and to tell the truth, it's getting kind of difficult to find time to write.  I am, however, living at the same apartment.

I know what you mean Paul, when you say that the old group is breaking up, and to tell the truth, I am past the point of really caring about people like Mike and Mardi and Joan and Barb, because my life is so different than theirs, and as far as I'm concerned they are very shallow people who have nothing to really offer me in the way of friendship any longer.   However, I do intend to keep our relationship going, even if we both are kind of lax in letter writing.  I, too, am quite friendly with Mark, and you, because you both have something substantial to offer me as close friends.  When I think back of past experiences, you and Mark were the only two real friends I had in my high school days, and the rest were acquaintances who thrived on using me for one reason or another.  I don't know Paul, maybe we both have grown up a lot, and I think we have, cause you seem to be expressing the same sort of callousness about past friends as I do, and that stems from the general attitude "I could care less about them".

I was home for 2 weeks at the beginning of Sept., but I didn't see Mike or Mardi or anyone.  I talked to Frat Rat Mike on the phone and he tried to impress me that he was so superior to the "Warren crowd", and he told me that he was fed up with everyone and everything.  Typically Mike, huh?  Mike's in love with himself and always was; only I just recently discovered this fact -- unfortunately about 3 years too late.  I have no fond words for Mardi or Barb either.  Mardi is heading for real trouble and confusion, and it's about time she stopped fooling around and looking for kicks, and set herself straight about what life is really like in the cruel, cruel world!!  Enough of my psychoanalyzing for now -- it won't do anyone much good anyhow.

I was glad to hear that your summer experience was good, and that it brought you out of your coon's shell.  (????)  I really wish that you and I could get together for a long, long talk, cause you wouldn't believe how much my ideas have changed, and my attitudes toward things in general.  I'm a new person, Paul, and I think you'd like the "NEW" me better than the Renee you knew two years ago!!

Thank you for the congrats on my engagement.  I am most happy and very much in love, secure, and well-balanced too for a change.  Morrey is just wonderful to me, and we get along really great.  We're planning on getting married next fall so I hope you can make the wedding (if I don't end up pregnant before then, heaven forbid).  I've got 76 more hours till graduation, so I'll probably graduate next March if all goes well.

I also have a job this quarter, and for the rest of the year.  I work as a secretary in my landlord's office, which also happens to be a plumbing warehouse and business.  I love my job cause I don't do much besides sit on my can and go out for coffee once in a while, and keep all my boss' bachelor friends happy with my gross jokes, etc.  My boss is a bachelor and a real cool head, and I can hardly believe that I'm getting paid 1.50 to come in here and have a good time.  When he doesn't give me any work to do, I can write letters on his stationary to my friends, or read, or study, or type my own papers.  Cool, eh?

Well I gotta go cause my boss is talking to me.  Write soon.

August 16, 1969 (Letter from Tina)

The night is cool -- the air soft, and it has begun to rain as I sit here listening to a new Johnny Rivers albums, "Touches of Gold".  I'm too restless to sleep, a restlessness brought about by doubt, depression, and need.  There's really too much time on my hands which causes me to think, reflect, to ponder; and this, for me, is bad.  At times such as these, I become quite frustrated; but to think that I can write to you and express my thoughts is very reassuring.  No, confusion plays little part in my life, although I do tend to be extremely pessimistic.  My vivid imagination versus my self-confidence -- I tend to over-dramatize a real-life situation and persist to set myself as its main character -- the one who is most affect, and yet most effective.  I am much too aware of the people, and over-emphasize the impression they'll have on me.  I wish that I were anywhere but Warren -- somewhere there is atmosphere, activity, and a place where people are interested sincerely in the individual.  But that, now, is far away.  Very little can be found "just around the corner".  Personal identify, satisfaction, and true understanding can be gained only through a difficult and sometimes disappointing search.

Am I confusing you Paul?  I doubt that very much.  We all have to cope with plasticity, insincerity, ignorance, and selfishness; but can you cope with my inability, at the moment, to express myself, lacking cohesive thought?  Paul, I just never realized that you could dwell so deeply on your friendships -- that they've played such an important part in your future.  We all need to analyze our past relationships because they reflect what and who we are and, possibly, what we will become.  Few of us rarely do this, and discover the very lonely individual we've become.  Friends are not merely companions -- they are your voice, your heart, your sadness, your joy; they are a reflection, a mirror of you.  May that mirror of affection and understanding between you and I never shatter.

In setting one's material goals in life, m any individuals fail to attain peace of mind and heart within themselves; and force themselves to never discover what living, what life itself, really is.  To have faith in one's self is not enough -- one must have faith in God and in mankind.  "To be at peace with one's self is ito be a peace with God" -- I've heard that somewhere.

We all need to reach out for something -- for someone -- and I hope that when that day comes there will be someone who will reach out and take my hand and look deeply into my soul...

You're a fine young man with an excellent mind -- may all of life's best comes to you.  "STILL WATERS RUN DEEP"