Yes, it's been a while -- now that I have a few things settled my mind is free enough to write. The last week just about did me in -- a pregnancy scare of the first magnitude. I was really getting anxious -- 12 days late & good reason to worry. But, never fear -- I got my period Monday nite -- have been celebrating for 2 days & nites. Whew! Did I ever write to you about Jeff? -- the guy I work with at the workshop, he's from California -- did a thing w/ him this spring & we had a little reunion last month but I've learned my lesson with him -- no more involvement.
I've come to the conclusion that I've been acting irrationally for some time -- don't know exactly what to do about it. If I was that kind of a person I'd to go a psychiatrist & say "Fix me up", but that's not my trip. I can't really explain what's been happening in my head -- kind of a subject/object conflict -- I can see two opposite points of view on every single issue in my life & experience a desire or need for each solution -- both of which are opposite! Simple example -- I feel a strong urge for warmth, fellowship, sharing & settling down at the same time that an equally strong urge for travel, exploration & danger manifests itself. My old method of going on instead cannot solve the dilemma. I can't even find the true instinct! Rationality doesn't help -- a rational solution never satisfies the emotional side. It's very perplexing & extends to all areas, not just the one narrow one I've shown you. It must be middle 20's menopause so famous in friends & acquaintances. As a highlight to this slate, I am going up to Boston next week & am staying at Rick's. That relationship endures despite everything -- don't know why at this point. Going to see him pregnant would have been better melodrama but bad living.
I am racking my brain still on how to come out there, & how to get out of my job long enough to do it. My current wish (?) is to go back with you in September & then to fly back. What do you think of that one? I can't do it this month because I can't get any time off more than 2 or 3 days. Every summer I seem to find myself indispensable in some job or other working every day while the sun shines. Of course you know the feeling by now, but it's not that bad of late.
Your recent letters have been well-written and interesting but there seems to be a distance there -- maybe it's the objectivity of your point of view. I can't find any expression of feelings in your writings of late, but maybe that's what your aiming for. Your commentary on Michael came as no surprise -- I have no unconquerable urge to go & tell anyone about it. I hope he's calm now & happier. I know it's a hard thing to accept for him, as it would be for anyone, but especially someone as sensitive as Mike. My only concern would be the callousness you find in that life, as I've seen affect Tonie & others I've known. I sure hope Mike doesn't have to go through that aspect.
Your idea of collating and editing your letters sounds like a familiar fantasy. I don't know now if I could force myself to go through the past that closely, but finding the patterns would be good, really good. Our correspondence has been somewhat erratic -- it seems to come in spurts, but maybe it 's my letter-writing habits of the last couple years -- my letters are few & far between now, but I've kept up the journal I started 2 1/2 years ago. Even in that I find that it's the same pattern -- spurts of writing with a time lapse in-between. Seems like when the feelings are in movement then the writing begins, but when things are calm & ordinary there's no need for it. With discipline the writing would take place constantly but I admit I don't exert it.
Would you cre to hear some Warren news? There's not much! Mardi & Mardi are in Maine for their vacation. Haven't seen Mardi much this summer due to social plans, etc. (of hers), plus I'm not living in town. Did I ever tell you I moved? I got a trailer on Jackson Ave. Ext. at the end of June -- it's up near Scandia Road (Fifth Ave. Ext.) - -it's the last dwelling on this road & from here on it's farms & woods. It's small but not bad. I have a garden & a yard & Harry & Sanchez like it! The only drawback is always driving anywhere, so I don't know what will happen when winter comes. I like the privacy most of the time but miss the easy access to people and places. I have been going more to Scandia area lately than Warren, except to go to work. I go up to Timmy's farm to swim or to Well's Ferry on Roper Hollow. I'd be much more content to stay home if there was water around here. I miss the ocean! I've never gone though a summer without it in 6 years! I feel landlocked. But I get to be near it next week, even if only for a day.
Here's my address now:
1034 Jackson Ave Ext
Warren
726-2538
Back to local news -- Joan is leaving Meadville next month. She still doesn't have her divorce due to Freddie's blocking of it but is leaving anyway. Latest I heard was Atlanta & she has a job offer there. She really needs to relax & let go & I think a city will do it for her.
I don't know what's happening w/ your brother, Dale. Every once in a while I see something in the paper about it. I guess it will go to court & I wish him luck with Judge Wolfe.
Can't think of any more news! You probably know more of what's going on in Warren than I do -- I'm oblivious to it all usually -- I live in my own little world no matter where I am. Right now it's a trailer on Jackson Ave!
I'm running a bath & about ready to go to bed -- haven't had much sleep lately -- (5 or 6 days). Now it's relax time, or crash time, whatever you call it.
Thanks for your letters, even though you got no answers --
I will be seeing you in about a month -- the last time was sitting on your porch on the 4th of July a year ago -- seems like 5 at least. I'm looking forward to th is one!
P.S. Write & encourage or discourage the idea of going back with you to Montana in Sept. I don't want to infringe on your free movement.
P.S. again!
Am re-reading Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. Absolutely intriguing book. I'm searching for some good reading -- you know there's nowhere to go & look for some around here Any recommendations?
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