August 14, 1975 (Letter from Barb L)

Yes, it's been a while -- now that I have a few things settled my mind is free enough to write.  The last week just about did me in -- a pregnancy scare of the first magnitude.  I was really getting anxious -- 12 days late & good reason to worry.  But, never fear -- I got my period Monday nite -- have been celebrating for 2 days & nites.  Whew!  Did I ever write to you about Jeff? -- the guy I work with at the workshop, he's from California -- did a thing w/ him this spring & we had a little reunion last month but I've learned my lesson with him -- no more involvement.

I've come to the conclusion that I've been acting irrationally for some time -- don't know exactly what to do about it.  If I was that kind of a person I'd to go a psychiatrist & say "Fix me up", but that's not my trip.  I can't really explain what's been happening in my head -- kind of a subject/object conflict -- I can see two opposite points of view on every single issue in my life & experience a desire or need for each solution -- both of which are opposite!  Simple example -- I feel a strong urge for warmth, fellowship, sharing & settling down at the same time that an equally strong urge for travel, exploration & danger manifests itself.  My old method of going on instead cannot solve the dilemma.  I can't even find the true instinct!  Rationality doesn't help -- a rational solution never satisfies the emotional side.  It's very perplexing & extends to all areas, not just the one narrow one I've shown you.  It must be middle 20's menopause so famous in friends & acquaintances.  As a highlight to this slate, I am going up to Boston next week & am staying at Rick's.  That relationship endures despite everything -- don't know why at this point.  Going to see him pregnant would have been better melodrama but bad living.

I am racking my brain still on how to come out there, & how to get out of my job long enough to do it.  My current wish (?) is to go back with you in September & then to fly back.  What do you think of that one?  I can't do it this month because I can't get any time off more than 2 or 3 days.  Every summer I seem to find myself indispensable in some job or other working every day while the sun shines.  Of course you know the feeling by now, but it's not that bad of late.

Your recent letters have been well-written and interesting but there seems to be a distance there -- maybe it's the objectivity of your point of view.  I can't find any expression of feelings in your writings of late, but maybe that's what your aiming for.  Your commentary on Michael came as no surprise -- I have no unconquerable urge to go & tell anyone about it. I hope he's calm now & happier. I know it's a hard thing to accept for him, as it would be for anyone, but especially someone as sensitive as Mike.  My only concern would be the callousness you find in that life, as I've seen affect Tonie & others I've known.  I sure hope Mike doesn't have to go through that aspect.

Your idea of collating and editing your letters sounds like a familiar fantasy.  I don't know now if I could force myself to go through the past that closely, but finding the patterns would be good, really good.  Our correspondence has been somewhat erratic -- it seems to come in spurts, but maybe it 's my letter-writing habits of the last couple years -- my letters are few & far between now, but I've kept up the journal I started 2 1/2 years ago.  Even in that I find that it's the same pattern -- spurts of writing with a time lapse in-between.  Seems like when the feelings are in movement then the writing begins, but when things are calm & ordinary there's no need for it.  With discipline the writing would take place constantly but I admit I don't exert it.

Would you cre to hear some Warren news?  There's not much!  Mardi & Mardi are in Maine for their vacation.  Haven't seen Mardi much this summer due to social plans, etc. (of hers), plus I'm not living in town.  Did I ever tell you I moved?  I got a trailer on Jackson Ave. Ext. at the end of June -- it's up near Scandia Road (Fifth Ave. Ext.) - -it's the last dwelling on this road & from here on it's farms & woods.  It's small but not bad.  I have a garden & a yard & Harry & Sanchez like it! The only drawback is always driving anywhere, so I don't know what will happen when winter comes.  I like the privacy most of the time but miss the easy access to people and places.   I have been going more to Scandia area lately than Warren, except to go to work.  I go up to Timmy's farm to swim or to Well's Ferry on Roper Hollow.  I'd be much more content to stay home if there was water around here.  I miss the ocean!  I've never gone though a summer without it in 6 years!  I feel landlocked.  But I get to be near it next week, even if only for a day.

Here's my address now:
1034 Jackson Ave Ext
Warren
726-2538

Back to local news -- Joan is leaving Meadville next month.  She still doesn't have her divorce due to Freddie's blocking of it but is leaving anyway.  Latest I heard was Atlanta & she has a job offer there.  She really needs to relax & let go & I think a city will do it for her.

I don't know what's happening w/ your brother, Dale.  Every once in a while I see something in the paper about it.  I guess it will go to court & I wish him luck with Judge Wolfe.

Can't think of any more news!  You probably know more of what's going on in Warren than I do -- I'm oblivious to it all usually -- I live in my own little world no matter where I am.  Right now it's a trailer on Jackson Ave!

I'm running a bath & about ready to go to bed -- haven't had much sleep lately -- (5 or 6 days).   Now it's relax time, or crash time, whatever you call it.

Thanks for your letters, even though you got no answers --

I will be seeing you in about a month -- the last time was sitting on your porch on the 4th of July a year ago -- seems like 5 at least.  I'm looking forward to th is one!

P.S.  Write & encourage or discourage the idea of going back with you to Montana in Sept.  I don't want to infringe on your free movement.

P.S. again!

Am re-reading Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig.  Absolutely intriguing book.  I'm searching for some good reading -- you know there's nowhere to go & look for some around here  Any recommendations?

December 20, 1974 (Card from Barb L)

Hi there!  It's Christmas in Montana and in Warren, Pa! as it's only a week away.  I think I better start getting it together.  Haven't done any shopping yet or anything.  I hate to part with my meager moneys,.  I guess Mardi wrote to you -- there is no news of course.  Rick was here for a week deer-hunting.  He had fun but didn't get a deer.  He never even shot his gun.  He made it back to Boston in a record 9 hours.  Compared to Timmy and I's 18 hours with the U-haul.  My car is still chugging away -- right now it's getting another minor repair -- the clutch pedal cable broke.  They're all minor repair but they all cost money.  I sound like Marti Graves now!  All business.  I think he must be mellowing or something -- he's really been pretty nice.  He even talks about other subjects than golf now.  Maybe Matthew has done it.  I've babysat fo rhim a few times and he is really a doll.  Of course, Yolanda is crazy about him.  So life goes along here in Warren.  I've been hangin around like a lazy good-for-nothing and loving it.  Doing nothing doesn't bother me -- I must be weird.  But it's get a job time after Christmas.  My rucking landlord sent me $8.50 for the return on my security deposit.  He's about $70 short but writes it off as "expenses".  As unbroken record of lousy landlords -- my lucky star did not shine on me during this year in Boston!  This next year is going to be a definite improvement -- I can feel it?  Have a good holiday up there (?) (I know you're "high") -- drop me a lone and I'll dust off the letter paper and get one out to you.

August 31, 1973 (Letter from Barb)

Hello, hello, I can't believe you're in Pittsburgh! I had a feeling you would never go there for some reason! You'll like it -- it's a little more aesthetically pleasing than Buffalo and it's not "big city" -- have you gone through Shadyside yet? Go to the Gazebo -- it's Pittsburgh's version of the Jewish deli and of course all the in people hang out there. It was good to hear from you -- everyone was interested to hear how you were doing. All of us have been "expressing ourselves", as they say, sometimes conflicting but usually getting along. This week is another heat wave and there's a traffic jam in the kitchen around the ice water. Rick and I did food shopping last week to stock up, so I don't get paid till next Friday and have zero money.  I'll have to borrow money to pay Doyle Monday.  Well, I didn't get the job at the Arlington House at McLean -- they wanted somebody "tougher" -- ? -- after the big rap they gave me about sensitivity.  And I didn't want the other one, so I took the job at Children's.  I've been here all this week and I really like it!  I even got some coloring books and crayons for the little kiddies -- now I have to get a little table for them to sit at -- that ought to keep them quiet!   Rick has been giving me a ride in the morning except for today when it took me over an hour to get here by MTA.  That's not including the bus I didn't wait for, but broke my vow and hitched from Kenmore Square to Longwood, then ran to Children's.  Almost had a cardiac attack when I slid in at 9:15.  I had left Humboldt at 8:00!  Had a hard time getting Harry back in this morning -- the squirrels are on the move and she was freaking out, barking and running from tree to tree.  I should have brought a BONE with me to tempt her back in.  She goes in and sleeps with Bob when I leave in the morning -- what a free and easy dog.  Disgusting.

Let me outline briefly the happenings in and around 15 Humboldt -- after you left Terry and I were alone for a week -- Bob and Steve were off jaunting around.  We started getting paranoid -- locked the bathroom window at night even!  Then I went down to the Vineyard for a couple days (stayed w/ Doreen and John -- they were there on vacation) and stopped on the Cape to see Kinky and Linda.  Rick had lent me his car -- shock!   I got home late last Thursday nite right into zoo city -- 15 Humboldt style -- very reminiscent of the house on the Vineyard 1971!  Steve was in his room balling some chick w/ the door open, Bob was stoned in his room w/ people running in and out and music up to 10 decibels above normal ear damage and Terry was sitting calmly in her room as usual.   I went into my room, dumped all my stuff, came out into the kitchen and Steve is very calmly getting a glass of chocolate milk naked.  I'm there, Hey Steve, would you mind putting something on?  He's there -- what, are you kidding me?  But Grandma Moses prevailed and he put on his shorts.  Within about 1/2 hour I felt shitting and Steve had to come in and sit with me cause I thought I was going to faint again -- so we were friends again anyway.  I was really tired from no sleep and all the driving.  Meanwhile, Steve and Bob have left and come back twice since then -- I don't' know how they do it.  Things have been pretty quiet since, but I do go to bed early now so I miss the late nite "activities".  My big thing this week has been getting something cooked and eating and cleaning up as an evening's activity, w/out falling over from the heat.  The noise level has been stupendous at night w/ Steve's stereo, Bob's (he bought a beautiful set), and Terry's radio (bought from Bob when he got his stereo!).  It's sort of like a liberated college dorm.  The amazing thing is that we can get along under the crowded conditions -- it could have been a different story w/ another set of people.  Oh, fun, fun.  I really fell quite at home there but would not consider it for a permanent residence.  I can't start looking for a possible apt. till I get a few paychecks of course.  I'm glad to hear you're settled.  Let me know how it works out.  Are the rest of the people there students?

Your rendition of the reunion was about what I would imagine, although you failed to mention your favorite couple and mine -- Mardi and Marti.  I imagine they were there.  Now that I'm away from it, I find it hard to really believe it really happened (and it still happening!).  Mardi really did get married, it's all "true" -- is it??  I'm glad I'm not there -- I don't want to be a witness to the settling in and the subsequent dissatisfaction.  I don't know why I'm talking about it so formally except I can't relate to it is why I guess.  Fuck it, it's just something I can't get a hold of!!  Well, I try not to worry or think about it, I've found lately that when I see people (friends) in a mess, or what I perceive to be a fucked up situation, I take it a little way and then I stop and it doesn't really concern me.  I don't know if I'm becoming more selfish or more realistic -- I don't know just thought I'd explain it to you -- maybe you know what I mean -- it's like witnessing but not really letting it get inside you. Ya know???

It's time to go home -- probably finish this tonite -- I think we're going to see "Harold and Maude" tonite -- but then w/ Rick you never know.

Continuing saga of the working girl -- Tuesday Sept 4.

Really meant to finish this this weekend but things got hectic.  Friday nite sat on the roof in a thunderstorm - just felt like it.  I mostly slept all evening -- I was dead.  Saturday Steve and I cleaned the bathroom -- couldn't stand it any more -- it took about 3 hours, pretty good since it has never been cleaned!  And finally I went to see Harold and Maude by myself but I enjoyed it immensely -- great music.  The question of the nite was -- Did they really do it??  Duh!

Sunday started the mad dash -- I went down to the Cape with Doreen and John to hear them play (Harry came too!) -- and we drove back to New Hampshire arriving at 4:00 in the morning.  (They keep this pace up every weekend -- I don't know how!)  Rick came up yesterday and we went swimming and ate and sat around and ate and smoked dope and ate -- got home about 1:30 last night. I don't know what I'm doing today -- everything is sort of passing me by -- maybe if I eat some of my granola I'll perk up.  It's another 90+ day -- when will this ever end?  I don't remember summer being like this here before.  Poor Harry -- stuck up on that 3rd floor all day in this heat!  I left the fan on for her and when I get home she'll get a BONE! and I'll throw her in the bathtub in cold water.

Well, I think I'll mail this!  I'm wishing you well on your new life in Pgh, Pa. -- hope your courses aren't too boring -- there much be something good -- let me know the developments.

Everyone says hi, Harry too!

October 28, 1972 (Letter from Barb)

Just got your letter after the long abstinence of communication.  And I just got one from Mardi -- after a month since my mom died.   Of course I haven't written to anybody -- have been in a month long bummer which I hope is drawing to a close.  It was so good hearing form you.  I was feeling very isolated and alone in the world.  I had been home 2 weeks while Mom was in the hospital and was there all the time so I really got into the whole thing.  Timmy and Danny were there when she died -- it was like nothing had happened.  No big thing -- very quiet.  Just another routine thing in the hospital.  All the relatives were wailing away and we were calm.  Mardi called that nite because her mother had called her and told her.  I really didn't expect her to come but did wish that she would.  I was hurt to think she never even considered it.  I felt that she just didn't acknowledge the happening.  So there it is -- I have felt in the last year or so that Mardi puts Mardi first in all -- perhaps it's a lack in communication, and maybe it's just the hassle of living.  I don't know.  Friends don't stay the same in the "grown-up" world.  Joan was home the weekend after and it was really good to talk to her, believe it or not.  She and Freddie are really on the rocks -- she is considering divorce.  If you talk to her don't say anything about this.  She is not in too good shape.  Excuse the handwriting, but Rick and I are in the laundromat sort of hunched up on the window sill -- Sunday afternoon at the laundromat.  There is not much new w/ me -- Rick and I are still together but it's been rocky the last month considering my mood and the fact that I don't have a roommate anymore to help me support the apt.  Rick has been living there but he has no money.  I am really trying to move but it's hard to find something as roomy and nice as my place, only cheaper and in a nice neighborhood.  No such thing!  And I now have a car of sorts.  Our old gray Buick from home.  Rick and I brought it back after the funeral.  He had fixed it cause it wasn't running at all.  Now it runs but has no reverse, no drive, etc. etc.  All we have is low.  It's a lot better than nothing, I can conclude.  That has been one nice thing.

Monday night -- Long pause in between these installments.  I know I'm really not feeling myself when I can't even sit down and write a letter.  It's been very hard to do just that and this is the first in over a month.  Lucky Paul!  It's easy to respond to your rambling raps though. You are going through a phase but don't think it's shallow, youth pre-programmed and all that.  A necessary portion of your awakening into that grown-up world we are all so fond of talking about?  College senior restlessness?  Whatever you call it it's forward with determination -- doesn't seem to be the way.  There's no rush -- right?!  I remember coming to Boston 2 1/2 years ago and sometimes it seems like the blink of an eye -- other times like at least ten years have passed.  I of course do not feel that it is an end or a final place -- whatever it is, it's not here.  I would never be an inhabitant of all this continual motion.  But there's a life in itself here that it worth being attentive to.  Maybe you will find your place or your work soon and remain there -- who knows?  I've found that adulthood has somehow overtaken me in the midst of my travels so I'm at a different viewpoint than 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 3 months ago!  It's really sort of out of our power, so as you said, flow with it.

You also say you're noticing a distance between you and the people you're living among.  I think this is the point where people do go off in their own direction -- last year of school and onward, if it hasn't happened already.  Don't count on your friends to support you completely or to stay with you.  That's not in their power either.  They'll have their own focus and they, (he, she, etc) have to go w/ it.  So explains Mardi and Joan and Barb, Paul, Mike, etc, etc, etc!!  Your consideration of staying in Buffalo till spring sounds like it will be worth it -- you'll have time to think a little.  If your travel plans don't click you're welcome to try Boston, the Cape or the Vineyard -- 3 assorted lifestyles.  As I aid, you're welcome.  Wherever I may be, it till probably be one of the three, although by summer I don't believe it will be Boston.  I have even considered living at home for a few months in view of the circumstances -- I haven't pursued the idea very far I must say.  Getting a place outside of Warren wouldn't be such a bad idea for awhile.  Although the working situation there is really undesirable (???)   Did you know that Joan graduates in January too, and then she has to do her student teaching somewhere and somehow support herself -- like she said, because of Freddie she has no home and no money, and needless to say, no security.  Any encouragement for a too-early biracial marriage?  Thanks god Mardi and Bill didn't get married!  She says she is adjusting to Sue and seeing Bill, period.  That was the extent of the news.  She's mostly tied up with work and school.  I've got to acknowledge her perseverance anyway.  She also says she probably won't be home for Christmas.  I don't know why not but Mardi's mind bears no explanation.  I will be of course and also for Thanksgiving.  Will  you be there?  Warren, Pa and the 15,000 friendly folk?  Leroy Schneck ramblin on?  Scott Saylor socking it to em on WNAE?  It's all there, folks -- just stay on rt 6 and follow the crowd!

Well, I hope this has provided some enlightenment, enjoyment or news -- I really can't elaborate on how things are in old Beantown -- I haven't been paying too much attention to them.  But I am coming out of my retirement to go see Steve Miller Band and James Montgomery Blues Band Friday night and Judy Collins in 2 weeks.  I think it's money well spent.  Also, wistful plans of going to the Vineyard for a few days -- the winter's the best.  Nice and desolate and deserted.  Take care and thanks all over for writing.  Don't forget to go and vote for McGovern -- it's the only gesture we can make and I sadly believe it will only be a gesture.

See you next month I hope.  Don't work too hard at nite or you'll have your yearly shitty cold early this year!

Harry says a doggy hi -- she will probably be home too!

February 2, 1969 (Letter from Barb)

I've been trying to write to you all weekend -- this go, go, go -- party, party, party life is getting me down.  Yes, right, don't I wish...The collage doesn't make any sense at all -- it's one of those "pick out a page and cut everything out" ones.

Thanks for writing, letters always make ya feel good.  I wasn't surprised to hear that Mike is the same.  He probably has a couple of friends and considers everybody else really "hoody" or dumb -- does he date anybody?  Poor Michael, but what are you going to do -- Mardi's in a bad way -- between freezing weather, crummy social life, school (blah!), dirty kitchens, and pot raids, she's about ready to shove it all.  It takes time to learn how to handle all the shit they dish out to ya at school.  We have a break (ten days) starting Feb 21-March 2.  I really want to go out and see her.  I could pull if off for $30 or $40.  I really can't afford it since I'm a couple hundred short for school anyway, but I think I'll do it anyway.  If I'm gonna go every day and work at that lousy job I might as well do something I want to do with my money.  Right?!

Things are their usual duddy self here but I really don't mind anymore.  My shoot-down from last semester is haunting me.  I just had Dorm Council for one time I came in an hour late last October and got campused for last night -- neat, huh?  I saw Mr. Wonderful at a party Friday night but he didn't speak -- why are guys always so nice, it must be a real effort.

I have a feeling my grades will be at a new all-time low at the end of this semester.  I haven't done one thing yet this semester!  During the week I don't even have time to breathe right.  I have four hours of classes a day -- that's not much at all, but I work 4 hours a day too, so I have time to squeeze in lunch and a cigarette and that's about it.  Then at night I clunk out for a couple hours in a dead sleep, get up, and shit around -- school, what school?  Missed a test on Friday that I'll have to take a zero for, oh yes, life is a shit sandwich and every day is another bite!  This Friday Smokey Robinson is here.  I'm supposed to have a date with some guy who might not go and I've never even met the kid anyway and you know I'd go alone in my jeans and bare feet and stand in the snow to see Smokey Robinson!  Not get this, that's Friday night and Saturday I'm supposed to go down to Penn State to go to the Chambers Bros with some kid I met there last week (went down last weekend, had a great time) but his roommate called me today and said he's been missing all weekend.  They called the cops, the whole bit.  He took all their hash and said he was coming up here to see me and nobody's heard form him. This poor guy takes LSD and is kind of screwed in the head, if ya know what I mean -- Is this making any sense?

Like I said before -- Help!!  Can't wait to get out of here and take off this summer.  We're going up to Cape Cod if it kills us; I can't take another summer at home working at New Process and sitting up in Shorty's everynight.  Oh, I forgot, Surf Club every weekend.  I feel like I should have my Friday night barstool reserved.  We'll do all that stuff at Easter and that'll hold me for awhile.  I go home April 2-7.

So, Paul, you see, Mardi and I need a few words of wisdom -- got any handy?  I imagine Joan needs more than a few -- I haven't heard from her except she sent me a birthday present.  I wonder if she's married to Rick, hehe, unless of course he hasn't gotten over his "fuckin crab yet".  W hat a case that kid is.  Swinging New Years at Renee's.

So you're going out with Gussie at home -- where is your taste?  I'm just kidding you, she's probably a "very fine person", cough.

P.S.  Was your spirit right about Cheryl!???   You mover, you!