It's not my arm that's not functioning, but my head-- I've begun to write about 6 times, and I enclose one of my efforts (didn't), written, like the others in between moving boxes, suitcases, furniture, sleeping, eating, and working. I haven't yet located my writing paper but I'm sure it will turn up.
I moved. Y es, goodbye Humboldt Street and no heat, no repairs, and no food in the refrigerator. In between I spent a week at Rick's (hassle, hassle, hassle!), and I'm safely ensconced in my own apt. I like it even tho I have no idea how I'll pay for it every month. It's really homey, w' high, slanting ceilings, a big back porch, 3 rooms and a bathroom on the 3rd floor of a house -- lots of trees around a field for Harry the dog.
Fact #2: Rick and I have broken up
again -- this happens once very other week. Many problems which will never be resolved -- we'll probably still see each other-- who knows. (or cares??) He and his friend, Mac have a house in Roxbury -- nice house too.
Well, Paul, where do I begin? Have things continued to develop or is your head settled down after each new awakening experience -- I hope I didn't violate a confidence by discussing this 23/ Rick at the time you letter arrived, to get a male point of view, much different from my own, I might add! He seems to think that your real life history is only beginning, as far as feeling goes. He doesn't see the danger that I see, but thinks that there is a long road to come, but isn't there for everyone? (my addition)
I was reminded forcefully of my own feelings during certain vital, truly alive times, usually associated with unfamiliar places and new people -- the sudden closeness and warmth of just being with these people, who -- when you turn your mind back to it at another time -- seems to have lost the radiance and are only faces 2/ a remembered name and place. But the chance is irreversible and no amount of looking back will change you back into what you once were. The similarities in the feelings aroused are so great, I wonder if it's a universal experience, but perhaps only open to those who in a certain time and place accept the possibility -- ? It's frightening to think about before it ever happens but while it's happening -- pure exhilaration. Of course, my experiences were as "comprehensive" as what you have described -- I mean, including so many, regardless of role, sex, or personality -- I'd way you stepped off the board and right into the deep end. The other end would be progressing from one individual relationship to another, keeping a firm control on continuity and becoming in a slow way a more complex version of yourself. The old RATIONAL MIND -- no question of ever losing ego control. Now there's nothing wrong w/ this way except there's all the effort of control and rationalization and always some regret. Now, what you've done is the opposite -- total immersion -- a realization of a possible infinite #'s of new you's -- not rationally planned. The ego is suspected (I wish I could think of another word instead of sounding like a text book, but you know what I mean!) -- but it will come back and try to establish it's own continuity. Brought up as we are in this world, which worships the ego, we have no choice but to follow this cycle through. No matter what continuity you finally establish in your ind, I don't think you'll fee any regret as to what's happened. Even if you find yourself somewhere you never thought you'd be, you won't even want to be where you had always planned on being! Duh! So much for your head-- what about all the people you left behind in the old sphere of things -- do you really expect you can reach back and w/ your own power, just bring them along w/ your words and explanations? You're welcome to try, but will learn something trying. Here comes the danger -- are you willing to line in a sphere with -- at times -- non one else in it, for an undetermined amount of time? Do we really want this kind of freedom, I mean not just the idea of it, but the living of it, this is what they wrote all those books about when we were in school and we read and said "Right on, of course everyone wants this", but when you find that no everyone wants it at all, what do you think? You can stand there and watch as your friends drop into one niche or another, by accommodation, by marriage (no elaboration needed on this one!), by a lot of different ways and what is your choice -- to go on alone, or to keep what you've got but stop there and continue what you were doing and where you were headed before the question ever came up?
As for me to respond to you -- of course I still am responding in the old known way -- don't think words can ever really reach that part of another person. What a frustration to find out that you so seldom reach anybody and hardly ever with words. More and more now (from now on up to our parent's level -- or down?) -- people have a lot to lose by changing their course -- they have a balance worked out and it wasn't easy and they're not about to give it up for someone else's vision of how things should be. Sad, but true -- it's like asking our parents to smoke grass and get into it they simply have too much to lose at this stage of the game and there's no guarantee! You might not win the big game -- the way they are, they're fairly wise to say no. Think of that when you feel disappointed when people won't respond to you. I will respond as best I can, within my own time and place and without any loss of my own balance, that's all anyone can do -- at the state we're at, no one is going to leave their own hard-won perception behind for yours -- this is life in the grown-up world. It's not what we expected it to be is it? We always thought we'd always be totally open to anything and you turn around and see your self limiting certain spheres out of your range forever. I've said too much already -- I probably could have summed this all up in a line or two if I had the real clarity of thought you're looking for. I'm only another one "on the way", like you. I'm very interested in your thoughts now, after this amount of time has gone by -- if you don't write before Christmas, I'll see you in Warren then. I'm definitely coming home for Christmas -- trying to get a ride now but I have reservations if I don't.
I hope this will serve as the feedback you wanted-- I'm sure you've heard from other people by now and maybe this will add something to their responses -- I'm glad you decided to write the letter -- it certainly was a "moving" experience.
Take care!
I've talked to Mardi -- I've buried all my doubts for now and am just trying to gain some support. (She wants to go out and see Bill! No surprise, right? I advised her against it, biting my tongue to keep from saying a lot of things, but if she decides to chance it, she'll do it I'm sure. Joan and Freddie are now in Meadville, Pa -- one of their strings of Penna towns -- I have no address. My brother Tim is at home working at the State, substitute teaching at Warren High (weird!) and buying a car -- his girlfriend, Rita, has never been heard of again after going down to Texas to see the Maharishi -- and I'm in old Boston fixing up a new apt. and going nowhere new I suppose! Warren at Christmas should be interesting!
Now I'll end this -- happy holidays!
