September 25, 1977 (Letter from Mardi)

I'm mailing this letter via Warren Waterways.  I feel water-logged & soggy around the edges -- will the sun ever shine again long enough to dry things out?  That's the question!  Would you believe tornadoes in Edinboro & Erie?  I don't recall more than a few nice days since the weekend of the 4th!!!

Things are going fine here.  Marti is still working on Blackman's house & he's development a cold which has been bringing him "down".  We are all steering clear of him.  The work will be another week for sure & Blackman's house will look great & ours will have to be finished!  I am so afraid of winter -- YUCK!  I'm getting sweaters out, sweatshirts, wool slippers.  I have vision of walking around the house in my overcoat, mittens & neck scarf!

September 28, Wednesday

I can't seem to get a letter out in one day anymore!  Really not much going on these past couple of weeks.  Barb has only a few days left at work &^ should be moving in another week.  Rick was all set to come here, quit his job, etc. & then the whole thing went bad.  Barb cannot accept him on any of his terms & he's not "progressing" at all>  Supposedly, it is over.  Barb has got to get some momentum behind her & go -- she really has lost a lot of ground & I don't know how she'll survive going back to Boston.  She has no amount of money, no worldly possessions of any value.  If she doesn't get settled somewhere soon she'll  never get anywhere!  I felt for a long time I was being unfair, but it's definitely Barb.  For as long as she's been here in Warren she should have at least made an advancement in some way.  I realize materials things are not her scene but I'm not into materials things either but I want nice things for myself & my appurtenance, I want people to appreciate me, after all I'm now a wife, & mother and I represent my husband & children & I want them to be proud of me.  Barb seems to care less.  She could be much more attractive & acquire better "habits"?  Also, there is no reason I can see other than pleasing her own "routine" for leaving job after job.  She's got to settle in on one job & move herself forward either in some career or in a relationship -- maybe by some miracle -- both!  I, too, can only see more hassle for her & I'm afraid she is the cause of most of her problems -- she, herself, hurts her own cause!  I just can't say anything to her though.  I don't feel I can for some reason; but maybe I should speak my mind. Like you put it if a person has no definite goals formulated they are treading water & that's what Barb has been doing since 1970!  It drive me crazy that she has the intelligence, maybe not all the opportunities open to her but she doesn't make the opportunities for herself!  BLAH!!  Over the years I can say I've had the opportunities to develop my life & career in anyway I pleased, sometimes we can't see the opportunity till some time later!

Everyone is restless.  I'll always be to some extent.  You have to be to keep on keeping on, but right now I'm very content to be near home & take care of my family.  It is good to improve yourself individually & have your "own time" in which to do it.  One must be careful, however, not to become too selfish.  I think that's where I ran into a lot of problem always out for #1 & I really felt it was right to always be concerned about myself above all, that I (& I only) had influence on people & a particular experience.  But it's just as rewarding to lay back & experience the well-being of others & not trying so hard to obtain one's own spiritual well-being, to give of yourself to others & not expecting any "spiritual reward" from it, just a feeling of contentment.

September 29, Thursday

This letter goes out today!  Barb called last night & never got back to your eltter.  She went down to see Joan & Bill & they are doing fine.  Bill is taking the total role of housewife & Joan is working. The baby was born with brain damage -- don't know if Barb told  you.  When we heard I thought it was "the straw that would break the camel's back" for sure.  They took the baby to the Cleveland Clinic for tests last week & found that 3 areas of the brain were damaged & only 25% of the optic nerve was developed.  My heart breaks for the little guy.  They really can't tell how extensive the damage is until they measure his rate of progress & see if he has fallen behind, which unfortunately will happen more rapidly probably in the months to come.  I just can't believe it -- if I were Joan I'd be at the end of my rope.  She has had the worst luck, but they seem to be doing fine.  Barb & I were worried about Bill doing his share.

Well, I must close & get back to house & kids, kids, kids!   Matthew had a great 3rd B-day 2/ toys & too much cake & ice cream.  His really doing good.  The twins are crawling & rolling & rolling & crawling all over.  Can't believe that in only 3-4 short months they will be toddling & I'll be going crazy!

Haven't heard from Renee & Morrey yet.  They will be busy w/ the new house I'm sure!  I even wrote to Dody.  This letter writing can be exhausting when you're out of shape like I am!

Wednesday, August 24, 1977

"Country Breakfast" by Edward Lamson Henry

New Britain Museum of American Art

Figure while I have the time I'd better drop a line.  Just got a letter form Dody & he's in Memphis, Tenn. & an Ensign in the Coast Guard & they are enjoying the change from their teaching profession days.  I was glad he wrote & gave me the news.  I'll have to sit down some "quiet evening/" & let him know all that's been happening!

Can't believe the end of August is upon us & the Fourth of July was seven/eight weeks ago!  We've been to two wedding & have two more to go to & they are expensive!  My uncle Andrew got married Aug 13, what a shock!  He's 42 & we all thought he was a confirmed bachelor.  He married a girl our age & she's really quite a change from his style.  She's very nice & she's really patient, I can't imagine all the adjustments they will have to make, my uncle is very straight & very conservative.

Saturday, Sept. 3

Greetings!

Thought you & Rick Grey might be here for Labor Day so I waited to finish writing.  It seems to be a stand-off between Rick coming here & Barb going to Boston!  Don't have much planned for the long holiday.  Marti has been working on the inside of Jim Blackman's now to make extra money so we'll see what's up for Sun. & Mon.  We have a party to go to Monday but don't think I can get a babysitter.

The twins are really cute now & very comical, both are preparing to crawl & before I know it the gruesome twosome will be on the rampage!!!!

Joan & Bill had a baby boy Joshua & all are fine.  I'd like to go down & see her Monday but I"ll have to wait & see if Marti will be around.  I had a surprise visit from Dutch awhile ago. He & his wife were in Oil City & I guess they drove here from Minn. w/ another couple.  It was definitely a chock to see him on my doorstep.  We had a short but pleasant visit.  Sue Smith is now living in Mpls again!!  Staying w/ Mrs. Wise & her two daughters.  They are great people.  Her son Gordy was killed in Vietnam & Mr. Wise died unexpectedly in '73 of a heart attack!  I wrote her & now waiting to hear of all her traumatic experiences.  Wish I was in a position to just fly out for a long weekend any time I wanted!  Maybe if Marti gets a $10,000 raise next year?!!!!  $20,000?  Time is just flying around here.  Some friends of ours (Mr. & Mrs. Bathurst, Mr. B works in Sales @ Betts) just bought Foster's house.  Guess they are moving to Brockway, Pa., or someplace like that -- wherever Mike's relatives are.  Maybe Mike would come back if they are gone.  I want to get mom out to Calif.  My cousin lives in Tuscon & she'd have a good time visiting Mike.  It seems strange to be wondering around Mike's old house.  I fell like I'm trespassing!

Monday, Sept. 5

Will I get this letter mailed -- that is the question!  Labor Day 1977 & we did labor!  Matthew's B-day is Friday -- 3 years old.  I'll have to give him a special little party this y ear.  He's really been a good "little guy"!  I only wish I owned a bank.  Didn't do much over this weekend.  Th is year is full of child-care, I'm afraid!  And with any luck our house will be done.  We really want to winterize everything this year.  Utilities will put us in the poor house yet.  The gas company is really trying!

Well, take care, drop a line soon & let me know what's happening.

June 23, 1977 (Letter from Renee)

So sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your last letter.  With the ending of school I got pretty tied up and I've been spending my time looking of jobs and trying to clean up around the house.   I was in Warren last weekend and saw Mardi and things are still on for the 4th of July weekend.  Joan is pregnant and expecting any day -- so count her out.  I am writing to Mark V.V. today -- he has moved to Washington and Emily gave me his address which is 1811 T Street NW Apt. B, Washington D.C. 20002.  We're not planning any big gala event -- just a quiet get together with a few friends like you had suggested.  My dad has beer and junk so what I think I'll do is just collect a couple of bucks from everyone to cover what we consume and call it even with my folks who don't mind a bit.

I have been looking for a new job but not much luck.  Seems as though no one interested in school teachers nor are there many jobs open since job mobility is at a real standstill these days.  I'll keep looking and trying but I signed my contact for next year just to be safe and sure.  I am absolutely bored out of my mind with nothing to do around here.  There are a million projects around the house I could conceivably do but I lack the motivation or interest to even get stated.  I am back on Weight Watchers faithfully after having messed myself up for the last couple of weeks before school ended.  I get very unhappy with myself and very much depressed when I'm not on the diet so I feel a little prouder this week for being a good girl.  I'm gonna be thin one of these days if it kills me!

I have been very depressed since getting out of school and frustrated because the future doesn't look terrifically hopeful but I'll still keep plugging away at things until something comes up.  I'm so oriented to working that when I am given free time I tend to waste it.  When I'm in school I long for days when I can get so many things done.  Now that I have the time -- I lack the interest.

I'm not going to make this a long letter cause I'm saving all the things to talk about till I see you over the 4th which is just a week away from this weekend.  Morrey and I will probably drive to Warren on Thurs. night June 30th and sty till Mon. or Tues. after the 4th which will make for a nice little vacation for us.  Our dog absolutely adores the cottage and loves to swim in the river. We have a lot of fun watching her enjoy herself and playing with her in the free and open area around the cottage.



I hope you'll forgive such a shitty letter from me this time.  I promise to improve over the next one! Please call us at the cottage when you get in to Warren.  I will anxiously be awaiting out get together on Sunday.   Let's pray for decent weather.  We were there over Memorial Day and I can't remember when the weather has ever been so gorgeous.

Take care and be well.  Drive carefully.  (Is Dodie going to be in town that weekend?  If so, please feel free to invite him and his wife out to the cottage for our gathering.)

February 23, 1977 (Letter from Barb L)

An evening trip to Amherst to see this Robert Altman film.


Yes I am writing you a letter on this fine spring-like day.  When the weather changes it's always time to get in touch again.  I always enjoy hearing from you -- your letters are so complete as to everyday life.  It's nice to revel.  Well, I have an event to announce -- ready?  Mardi gave birth to twin boys on Saturday the 19th!  Far out huh?  Baby A and Baby B have since been named Jeremy Glenn and Ryan Stephen.  I don't know which "Marty" was more in shock -- I think everyone was!  It was totally unexpected by all concerned.  Mardi had no trouble though -- she looked good even the same day.  Jeremy was 4 lbs 12 oz & Ryan about 6 1/2.  I went out Sat. Nite w/ Martin & Gino to celebrate (?) -- he still was in shock -- doesn't know whether to buy the new house & spend all that time fixing it up & have Mardi alone w/ three kids for a month or what.  I think Mardi is going to get into this a lot more than she did w/ Matthew.  She's breastfeeding the twins & feels like a first-time mother.  She comes home today & of course Yolanda is taking a couple days off work so things will be under control.

That was the big event of the weekend -- another one was Timmy's graduation from nursing school.  To celebrate all these occasions I gook Monday off as a mental health day.  We don't' get any holidays at all & I thought it was time for one.  Had to go to class that nite anyway.  I probably haven't told you (since I haven't written!) -- I'm taking a class at J.C.C. -- Film Study & Appreciation.  Went & borrowed the money from the bank to take it (duh!).  I really enjoy it & I like to have one activity during the winter.  I have gone from Auto Mechanics to Karate to Films.  You can't say I'm not open-minded!  I've found that the emphasis is more historical & technical than I thought it would be.  We're still on the early films -- Eisenstein, D. W. Griffith, etc.  We probably won't be seeing any new films.  I think our prof. has seen every film that was ever made.  He's very knowledgeable & really nice so it should be a good experience.  Orson Welles is coming to JCC the 30th of March & before that I have to give a report on the "Significance of Citizen Kane". 

What else have I been doing?  Seems like I've been planning a lot of parties!  First, the Youth Group (high school kids) & I gave a party for the workshop people & kids from special classes.  We had a band play & had a big time!  That was in January.  Then I had a party in the apt for Patsy's birthday.  Then I had a shower for Mardi, which turned out fine even though it was not your "traditional" shower.  All we did was eat!  I made all this groovy stuff -- it was fun.  Joan came up from Franklin too. (You know she's expecting also -- this summer?)

I've also been having ups & downs w/ Rick.  We're pretty much broken off normal relations but it's too early to tell which way it will go.  We have a definite difference of opinion in some very important areas.  (Bet you couldn't tell this was coming when you were here -- duh!)  To further keep things moving, Patsy is moving out this coming weekend.  She's moving into Grace's apt & will pay 1/2 of what she pays now.  Her finances are a mess & she's trying to get out of the hole & save money to move back to Minneapolis in June.  So I will be alone for awhile, going broke but I'm sure something will come up & change things.  That's been the pattern for the past year.  As soon as I get settled in one frame of mind everything changes.

Well, I'm at work &^ it's time to go do the mail.  I will do it & eat lunch & finish later.  I want to go out for a while too.  It is so warm out.  I can't believe it.  After the month of January this is like summer!  54!  See you later.

Back at the old job -- which is non-existent right now -- we're in limbo waiting to hear about funding.  For a month I've just been hanging in there.  That's why I'm doing the Grandview mail.  Gives me something to do.  This state of having no work to do is a new one.  If I have no work I'd rather not have a job at all & at least have the time to myself.  There's a meeting on Monday the 28th.  I should know by then what the story is.

It seems like I'm very busy lately outside of work but actually nothing of importance is happening.  The way this winter has been I've hardly been out of town all winter.  My plans outside of the day to day aspect of things are vague.  I know I should be out of Warren before next winter & I will be.  The idea of going back to school in Boston has been considered but not to seriously.  My attention is not on career matters now.  Seems to be focused on the personal.  At times when I see myself clearly I see how much needs to be done just on myself, but you have to live the other aspects of life at the same time too.  Seems that you always get that feeling around mid-winter that nothing will change so you just sit back & watch the tube or make yourself an ice cream sundae & let yourself have a few more cigarettes than you really need.  In order to get more fully into this mood, I bought a TV (used) last week & I've just been grooving out lately on old favorites -- MASH, Sat. nite, etc.  I guess I'm set for the rest of the winter.  Are you coming at Easter?  One visit before summer would be nice.  Th is was definitely not hte winter to be here!  Springfield was probably a hassle but be glad you werent' her w/ no roads.  Call me sometime if y ou get a chance (collect from pay phone) -- # is 726-1860.  Take care & keep writing!

I forgot to tell you "the latest" -- (Oh how gross -- I'm getting into gossip.)

Yolanda has a new boyfriend.  He's from Pgh or Erie & has a camp here.  From what I can tell, it's a really nice relationship & she seems to have perked up considerably!  Ain't love grand.  Even its invitations [?} aren't too bad, for a time.

Thursday, January 20, 1977 (Letter from Mardi)

Part of a Clint Eastwood double feature (the other being Dirty Harry) at the Eastfield Mall Cinema

Thought I'd better drop you a line while I have a few minutes here in the late evening!  Can't believe the end of Jan. is fast approaching!!  I will hopefully be in the hospital & skinny again the same time next month!

We are in the process of selling our little house here!  We are putting it on the market tomorrow. We have a chance to buy a duplex at Newcourt Place -- if you can picture or know where it is.  It's not a bad little area.  The house is large & the outside is in need of a good paint job & minor repairs.  Each half has a huge attic, 3 BRs, bath, large L.R., D.R. & kitchen w/ great possibilities! One half, the half we would take is in good shape.  We would paint & put in carpeting & baseboard heat.  The other half needs more repair to the walls but is in good shape -- we would paint & rent it for $160 or so & let the renters pay for the house.  The house is large enough that we could stay there with no problem but if we ever decided to move into a nice "new" home, we would have the additional income from both sides.  Anyway, we've talked it over w/ several realtors & bankers & we all agree it's a good long term investment.  There is some yard & what there is, is private & for 2 kids it's nice to be off a busy street.  Anyway, it all depends if we can sell this house for $17,000 & get the duplex.  Occupancy would be on a 30-60 day basis & our half of the house would at least be ready to move into, clean & new.  Marti will then have plenty more work on the other half!  Wish us luck -- I already told him I wouldn't be able to help at all w/ two kids & as far as packing anything it won't be such a hassle just down the street & all will be ready to be put into cupboards & closets etc.

Anyway, the main reason I sat right down tonight & wrote to you was because Yolanda gave Mike F. a call tonight & we got the story on him & his new marriage.  He said you knew but I didn't actually know if you knew at Xmas time or not!?!?  I just wondered if I should even mention it to anyone at all.  He said his parents didn't know & I'm not going to say anything.  Marti would never say anything anyway.  Does Barb know about him?  I guess I wasn't really shocked -- I think we briefly mentioned this type of situation 2/ Mike years ago but not taking it seriously !  At least he's happy & sounds content for a change.

Glad to hear your Christmas vacation did your "spirits" good as Yolanda mentioned.

The weather has been freezing & below freezing.  Mon. Tues. Wed. it never quite made it to 0!! The wind chill really hit everyone hard -- & it looks like fruits & vegetables will be sky high.

Barb has settled into her apt.  I gave her some odd pieces of furniture I had.  The apt is really nice for her.

Guess Joan is pregnant, feeling fairly well, he & Bill are having problems.  Carol & Terry were telling me how absolutely unbearable he was over Christmas weekend.  Guess he continually complains & Joan has said he hates it here now & wants to move back to Atlanta?!!!  Don't know how Joan gets such "problems".

Mother has been sick for two weeks w/ a cold & flu - -luckily she escaped going to the hospital & recovered peacefully at home.  She is much better.  I visited w/ her tonight.  Marti had a slight cold. Matthew & I have been very lucky so far.  I'm through w/ work now & have not been out too much.

Well, hope all is well w/ you & drop a line soon!!

August 11, 1976 (Letter from Mardi)

Well, I don't know where to begin with this letter!  I can't believe you've been out there five months already!  Hope your job is doing you good things.  I imagine you're fairly settled in your apt. by now!  Being a permanent apt. dweller, you will find yourself doing a little of the "happy Homemaker" scene.

We have had an exceptionally shitty summer this year!  My summer consisted of two weeks in Minneapolis & Barb went out to the Cape.  I'm sorry I didn't get a postcard off to you but I never had a free moment.  Seeing everybody was great.  The weather was clear & sunny & my first full day was spent at Lake Harriet biking & just enjoying the whole place.  Bill is doing really well & he's extremely "mellow" now!  Visited TCF which now encompasses an entire city block.  Visited w/ Alma & had lunch w/ the kids at work.  Went to see Dutch & JoAnn, they are typical suburban people now, beautiful home w/ co-ordinated L.R., D.R., etc.  He's a good man, though. Just had a very relaxing time.  Everyone is so much more relaxed there.

My mother is no longer working at Cowdrick's!!!  Shall wonders never cease?  She quit after they took away a week's vacation form her.  She is now at NPC!!!  She had been thinking about it for some time.  She had no benefits at the drug store.

Marti also started a new job at Betts in the west end in their Purchasing Dept.  We're both happy he's there.  He's familiar w/ his new position because of his former employment there.  He works 8-5 with no week-ends -- VACATION.  He's been working w/ Jan Priest doing contracting work in the evenings!  Levinson Bros. was taking its toll on him!!!

Joan -- remember Joan? -- is now here in Warren.  Don't know if I can even begin to explain to you what she's doing because she doesn't know what she's doing!  Let's go back to when she left for Atlanta.  First of all, the daycare or camp for the children fell through & she's been struggling to make ends meet.  While there she & the guy who was to organize this camp became very close. She received her divorce from Freddie about 3 wks ago & got married to Mr. Bill Schwartz.  They came back here to Warren right after they were married because her parents were freaking out & didn't know what was going on!  Now they are happy -- Joan is married to a white man.  Anyway, everyone was surprised, especially Barb & I.  So they were here Sat, Sun & we all got together Mon. night @ my mother's to meet Bill, etc.  We visited & they were going back Tues.  We all said good-by & that was that!  Three days later my mother calls & says Joan is still here!  She stayed & Bill flew to Atlanta where he'll work till he gets "the truck"?  fixed & can get their clothes, etc. Meantime Joan is looking for a job here!  She hates Atlanta, & they want to settle up here.   She's really got me confused this time.  Common sense does not enter into Joan's mind at any time. She has really blown everyone's mind this time!  First of all, I never thought she'd get married again for awhile.  They both could have stayed here & gotten jobs -- why would one stay here & one go to Atlanta?  It's a waste of money & there is nothing that could be so important that they couldn't stay together!  Anyway I've not done any advice giving -- just listen.  Whatever they ant to do they will do!

Marti's parents were just here for two weeks -- actually good old Rachel has quited down some & she was quite bearable!  His sister & husband were here also but stayed in a motel.  Her new husband is not too outgoing & doesn't seem to fit in with regular folks --- his Maine upbringing has not helped him to socialize!!  Marti won't get any vacation time now so I doubt if we'll be making our annual trip to Maine.

Everyone is fine here.  Matthew will have his 2nd birthday next month -- amazing!  He is talking away now, he doesn't quite make sense though.  I'll have to start looking for an extra special gift for the big guy.  I'm behind in baby gifts!  Matt & Candi Voigt had a baby girl. Mike & Laurie Curren had a baby girl, Veryl & Betsy Brinkley had a little boy & Bill & Jodee Andrews are expecting & Jim & Linda Blackman!  It has been nothing but babies!!  I feel like an old pro at it!!

So how is the job going now?  Have you been working in various depts. yet?  Barb is presently unemployed & looking.  If I were her I'd go back to Boston soon.  She's been pretty tied up with this Rick West guy.  She apparently really likes him.  I've never met him but he's about 5-6 years younger.  Between her life & Patsy's it's a regular Peyton Place.  I doubt if I'd last more than one summer in Warren if I were single.  The guys are either too young & immature or too old, divorced w 3 kids & screwed up.  There is a definite scarcity of intellectual males 25-29.  Barb may be working a couple of days @ the Hoffman home on Conewango & waitress @ Paces a couple of nights.  She is suppose to be in Cambridge for a wedding the 22nd & thinks she has a ride.

Well, I'd better close & get some othings done -- it's off to the "Warren County Fair" tonight -- hve to let Matthew see the cows & horses etc. -- it should hold his attention for 1/2 an houro or so!

Take care, sorry about not writing sooner!

August 14, 1975 (Letter from Barb L)

Yes, it's been a while -- now that I have a few things settled my mind is free enough to write.  The last week just about did me in -- a pregnancy scare of the first magnitude.  I was really getting anxious -- 12 days late & good reason to worry.  But, never fear -- I got my period Monday nite -- have been celebrating for 2 days & nites.  Whew!  Did I ever write to you about Jeff? -- the guy I work with at the workshop, he's from California -- did a thing w/ him this spring & we had a little reunion last month but I've learned my lesson with him -- no more involvement.

I've come to the conclusion that I've been acting irrationally for some time -- don't know exactly what to do about it.  If I was that kind of a person I'd to go a psychiatrist & say "Fix me up", but that's not my trip.  I can't really explain what's been happening in my head -- kind of a subject/object conflict -- I can see two opposite points of view on every single issue in my life & experience a desire or need for each solution -- both of which are opposite!  Simple example -- I feel a strong urge for warmth, fellowship, sharing & settling down at the same time that an equally strong urge for travel, exploration & danger manifests itself.  My old method of going on instead cannot solve the dilemma.  I can't even find the true instinct!  Rationality doesn't help -- a rational solution never satisfies the emotional side.  It's very perplexing & extends to all areas, not just the one narrow one I've shown you.  It must be middle 20's menopause so famous in friends & acquaintances.  As a highlight to this slate, I am going up to Boston next week & am staying at Rick's.  That relationship endures despite everything -- don't know why at this point.  Going to see him pregnant would have been better melodrama but bad living.

I am racking my brain still on how to come out there, & how to get out of my job long enough to do it.  My current wish (?) is to go back with you in September & then to fly back.  What do you think of that one?  I can't do it this month because I can't get any time off more than 2 or 3 days.  Every summer I seem to find myself indispensable in some job or other working every day while the sun shines.  Of course you know the feeling by now, but it's not that bad of late.

Your recent letters have been well-written and interesting but there seems to be a distance there -- maybe it's the objectivity of your point of view.  I can't find any expression of feelings in your writings of late, but maybe that's what your aiming for.  Your commentary on Michael came as no surprise -- I have no unconquerable urge to go & tell anyone about it. I hope he's calm now & happier. I know it's a hard thing to accept for him, as it would be for anyone, but especially someone as sensitive as Mike.  My only concern would be the callousness you find in that life, as I've seen affect Tonie & others I've known.  I sure hope Mike doesn't have to go through that aspect.

Your idea of collating and editing your letters sounds like a familiar fantasy.  I don't know now if I could force myself to go through the past that closely, but finding the patterns would be good, really good.  Our correspondence has been somewhat erratic -- it seems to come in spurts, but maybe it 's my letter-writing habits of the last couple years -- my letters are few & far between now, but I've kept up the journal I started 2 1/2 years ago.  Even in that I find that it's the same pattern -- spurts of writing with a time lapse in-between.  Seems like when the feelings are in movement then the writing begins, but when things are calm & ordinary there's no need for it.  With discipline the writing would take place constantly but I admit I don't exert it.

Would you cre to hear some Warren news?  There's not much!  Mardi & Mardi are in Maine for their vacation.  Haven't seen Mardi much this summer due to social plans, etc. (of hers), plus I'm not living in town.  Did I ever tell you I moved?  I got a trailer on Jackson Ave. Ext. at the end of June -- it's up near Scandia Road (Fifth Ave. Ext.) - -it's the last dwelling on this road & from here on it's farms & woods.  It's small but not bad.  I have a garden & a yard & Harry & Sanchez like it! The only drawback is always driving anywhere, so I don't know what will happen when winter comes.  I like the privacy most of the time but miss the easy access to people and places.   I have been going more to Scandia area lately than Warren, except to go to work.  I go up to Timmy's farm to swim or to Well's Ferry on Roper Hollow.  I'd be much more content to stay home if there was water around here.  I miss the ocean!  I've never gone though a summer without it in 6 years!  I feel landlocked.  But I get to be near it next week, even if only for a day.

Here's my address now:
1034 Jackson Ave Ext
Warren
726-2538

Back to local news -- Joan is leaving Meadville next month.  She still doesn't have her divorce due to Freddie's blocking of it but is leaving anyway.  Latest I heard was Atlanta & she has a job offer there.  She really needs to relax & let go & I think a city will do it for her.

I don't know what's happening w/ your brother, Dale.  Every once in a while I see something in the paper about it.  I guess it will go to court & I wish him luck with Judge Wolfe.

Can't think of any more news!  You probably know more of what's going on in Warren than I do -- I'm oblivious to it all usually -- I live in my own little world no matter where I am.  Right now it's a trailer on Jackson Ave!

I'm running a bath & about ready to go to bed -- haven't had much sleep lately -- (5 or 6 days).   Now it's relax time, or crash time, whatever you call it.

Thanks for your letters, even though you got no answers --

I will be seeing you in about a month -- the last time was sitting on your porch on the 4th of July a year ago -- seems like 5 at least.  I'm looking forward to th is one!

P.S.  Write & encourage or discourage the idea of going back with you to Montana in Sept.  I don't want to infringe on your free movement.

P.S. again!

Am re-reading Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig.  Absolutely intriguing book.  I'm searching for some good reading -- you know there's nowhere to go & look for some around here  Any recommendations?

February 8, 1975 (Letter from Barb L)

How long have I been here anyway?  This is the first installment from Warren since Christmas -- I can't believe my gross neglect of just about all correspondence, including my journal.  It was good to hear from you again.  When you described your yearning for the road again, I felt a wince of recognition -- the spell comes over me frequently, but I never see myself as I used to be.  I feel that my desire is to recreate my spiritual state at that time, as exemplified by my mobility then.  As things are now, I don't know how to express that yearning for freedom in an age (?) appropriate manner.  I was talking to Mardi about this last Thursday (while Martin was out bowling) and she commented that these feelings are no longer in her life at all and she never thinks of them. The thrust of her statement was that she's a completely satisfied person, now that she has a job that she likes again.  This was the 2nd time that we've "talked" in 3 months, and it didn't do anything to bridge the tremendous gulf between us.  The only rapport we seem to have is talking about feelings in the past -- it's uncanny.  She has taken on many of Martin's attitudes and seems quite content with them.  I just don't know how to talk about it -- it seems so weird to me! No matter how she puts out the story that she's happy, there's no sparkle in her as there always was before -- I don't know, I can't put  my finger on it.  Since we both started working I don't see her anyway -- I call her once in a while and say hello -- in between social engagements.

Yes, I got a job.  Have worked for 1 weeks for low, low money   Am working for ANC Enterprises on Conewango Ave -- a sheltered workshop for retarded and handicapped adults.  This guy and I were hired as aides.  I'm supposed to be teaching arts and crafts, but since I don't know beans about arts and crafts I'm learning along with them.  We had both registered at CETA -- the federal manpower thing and were placed there.  I don't  know if I'm enthusiastic about it or not -- some days I like it and some I wonder what I'm doing there!  Much time is needed to form a relationship to each of the people because there' such a diversity -- some have IQ's below 70, some are crippled w/ brain damage, some are recently discharged State Hospital patients, most are on medication, too.  I think my role as aide is the problem, because I have no real responsibility and can't make any policy, even as far as what we're going to do for an afternoon.  After my job at Children's I'm used to taking responsibility and being independent.  Other than that aspect, I like what I'm doing although what I really wanted was to work with children, as opposed to mental-age children!  It seems that I never have a chance in this area (Warren) to do what I want to do.  People seem to be more rigid in their hiring, being more impressed w/ a B.A. from Edinboro than with much (or any) relevant experience or aptitude.  I'm going through the usual culture shock of living there.  Everytime I'm here I look at the whole scene a little differently -- I always sense a certain shallowness in attitudes that I don't  find among even the neighborhood people in Boston.  They have a certain knowledge and toughness that there is not evidence of here.  I can look at myself and acknowledge my own attitudes when I first left school and went to Mass and they seemed to be based on a pretty shaky foundation.  I would not want to bring up a family in Warren. Smalltown life may be more stifling mentality than city life for kids.  Duh -- who knows.

Now that I have a job I don't know how I'm going to pull off this travelling to Montana, but never fear, I will think of something.  What I'm thinking of it coming out and staying for a month or so -- I'd have to sell my car, if it lasts still spring that is!  It barely makes it around Warren.  Brakes just went on it again so I've been carless all week.  Just had a whole bunch of work done a few weeks ago to get my PA inspection.  shit, nothing hash worked out in an easy way.  When I really wanted to come out in August I could have done it but I felt too responsible to my job and couldn't gracefully get out of it till late October.  I felt a commitment both to the kids and to the staff.  I wished that I could have stayed there but still left Boston.  Boy am I confused!  Meanwhile, Rick is still calling me -- shades of 2 years ago.  As usual, he wants me to come back and then of course we could be happy in some fairy tale.  He doesn't  even have an inkling that he is reaching back to about a 6 month period three years ago and labeling it "happiness".  I could never be that person again.  What bums me out is that since then I have failed to encounter a man who I want to have a close relationship with.  It's incredible -- after all these recent years of hordes of people passing through, everyone seems to be permanently placed in a slot.  Where did the people our age go?  Are they all married with families or what?  Did you know that I turned 26 last month?  Ye gods -- I have a nagging sensation that I should be carving out a career for myself and making house payments instead of watching the sunset and lighting up to Dave Mason!  I think "dissonance" is the descriptive term.  One nite in Jan, Timmy and Rita and Rita's brother, Peter and I went out -- went to the Drafthouse, played pool, etc. -- then went over to Jon Thorton's house (another brother -- who is working here at Legal Services) and listened to "our time" records -- when we heard "Truckin" we all looked at each other.  It was like alma mater, in comparison to the gray reality that is today.  Have we all outgrown our ideas or has everything changed around us silently?  Did you know that Warren has its own little counterculture?  I keep running into these stray people -- this long-haired guy whose here setting up a half-way house (fresh from Boston!), the lawyer at Legal Services (another freak fresh from B.U.!), the guy running CETA (ditto) -- there are more -- I don't know why these people end up in Warren, Pa but here we all are.  First I deal w/ this group and w/ the clients at work, then I may go up to Timmy's and get stoned in Scandia, then I walk into Mardi's and Marti's and it's a different world, what can I say -- do your thing, man!



I went down to Meadville to see Joan 2 weekends ago -- was very curious as to how she was getting along.  Her divorce proceedings are almost over and she'll be free again, free again.  I was honestly impressed w/ the Unity Center as far as their day-care program goes -- it's one of the best I've seen.  Joan is extremely busy and is working at her job 24 hours a day, which she should cut down on, but what's important is that she needs this commitment now so let it be.  She has a apt upstairs from Freddie's sister and her husband and baby, -- there 2 are real nice people, completely opposite from Freddie.  They're poor of course, but graceful and friendly.  I felt that Joan was doing the best I've seen her in 4 years.  The old wheel keeps a-turnin' for us all.

So -- so much for me, you, Mardi, and Joan.  We're all in our usual places I guess -- Joan's committed, Mardi's secure, I'm learning, and you're independent.  Think of the confusion if we decided to switch roles, which if we were really free, we'd be able to do at will.  "Conscious labor and intentional suffering" -- that's Gurdjieff.  Get ahold of his books if you feel like stretching your mind out to nowhere   Meetings w/ Remarkable Men and Beelzebub's Tales to his Grandson are the ones that are most readily available.   I used to read him on the subway last year -- talk about splitting your worlds!  I admit at the closing that I miss Beantown, only because it's winter and that's the time to be there if you're going to be there at all and I do miss the music -- live, on radio, records, etc.  This is a desert for music.  I did hook up my radio to the TV cable so once in awhile I get Buffalo and Erie.  But they can't compare to CAS in Cambridge, my favorite station of all time. Warren FM has hit an all-time low -- now it's the "piped-in music" genre -- gross.  But Leroy Schneck likes it so what can I say?  I will now head on downstairs to watch the late show -- this is a groovy Saturday night alright.  I really wish you were here, Paul for you unsurpassed companionship, camaraderie and all that.  I would take Harry out with me, but they won't let her in the movies    Isn't that narrow of them?  They did on the Vineyard!  They had this two-bit theater in Vineyard Haven complete w/wooden chairs and a home-movie screen and I took Harry once. She enjoyed it immensely.

Well, take care and remember Frank Zappa's immortal tune -- "Going to Montana soon, going to be a dental floss tycoon.."

P.S.  My brother Danny has switched from a Ph.D. program in Amer Studies to -- guess what -- Library Science (M.A.)  There's your replacement in Deer Lodge in bout a year and a half.  (long time!)

December 5, 1973 (Letter from Barb)

It's not my arm that's not functioning, but my head--  I've begun to write about 6 times, and I enclose one of my efforts (didn't), written, like the others in between moving boxes, suitcases, furniture, sleeping, eating, and working.  I haven't yet located my writing paper but I'm sure it will turn up.

I moved.  Y es, goodbye Humboldt Street and no heat, no repairs, and no food in the refrigerator.  In between I spent a week at Rick's (hassle, hassle, hassle!), and I'm safely ensconced in my own apt.  I like it even tho I have no idea how I'll pay for it every month.  It's really homey, w' high, slanting ceilings, a big back porch, 3 rooms and a bathroom on the 3rd floor of a house -- lots of trees around a field for Harry the dog.

Fact #2:  Rick and I have broken up again -- this happens once very other week.  Many problems which will never be resolved -- we'll probably still see each other-- who knows.  (or cares??)  He and his friend, Mac have a house in Roxbury -- nice house too.

Well, Paul, where do I begin?  Have things continued to develop or is your head settled down after each new awakening experience -- I hope I didn't violate a confidence by discussing this 23/ Rick at the time you letter arrived, to get a male point of view, much different from my own, I might add!  He seems to think that your real life history is only beginning, as far as feeling goes.  He doesn't see the danger that I see, but thinks that there is a long road to come, but isn't there for everyone?  (my addition)

I was reminded forcefully of my own feelings during certain vital, truly alive times, usually associated with unfamiliar places and new people -- the sudden closeness and warmth of just being with these people, who -- when you turn your mind back to it at another time -- seems to have lost the radiance and are only faces 2/ a remembered name and place.  But the chance is irreversible and no amount of looking back will change you back into what you once were.  The similarities in the feelings aroused are so great, I wonder if it's a universal experience, but perhaps only open to those who in a certain time and place accept the possibility -- ?  It's frightening to think about before it ever happens but while it's happening -- pure exhilaration.  Of course, my experiences were as "comprehensive" as what you have described -- I mean, including so many, regardless of role, sex, or personality -- I'd way you stepped off the board and right into the deep end.  The other end would be progressing from one individual relationship to another, keeping a firm control on continuity and becoming in a slow way a more complex version of yourself.  The old RATIONAL MIND -- no question of ever losing ego control.  Now there's nothing wrong w/ this way except there's all the effort of control and rationalization and always some regret.  Now, what you've done is the opposite -- total immersion -- a realization of a possible infinite #'s of new you's -- not rationally planned.  The ego is suspected (I wish I could think of another word instead of sounding like a text book, but you know what I mean!) -- but it will come back and try to establish it's own continuity.  Brought up as we are in this world, which worships the ego, we have no choice but to follow this cycle through.  No matter what continuity you finally establish in your ind, I don't think you'll fee any regret as to what's happened.  Even if you find yourself somewhere you never thought you'd be, you won't even want to be where you had always planned on being!  Duh!  So much for your head-- what about all the people you left behind in the old sphere of things -- do you really expect you can reach back and w/ your own power, just bring them along w/ your words and explanations?   You're welcome to try, but will learn something trying.  Here comes the danger -- are you willing to line in a sphere with -- at times -- non one else in it, for an undetermined amount of time?  Do we really want this kind of freedom, I mean not just the idea of it, but the living of it, this is what they wrote all those books about when we were in school and we read and said "Right on, of course everyone wants this", but when you find that no everyone wants it at all, what do you think?  You can stand there and watch as your friends drop into one niche or another, by accommodation, by marriage (no elaboration needed on this one!), by a lot of different ways and what is your choice -- to go on alone, or to keep what you've got but stop there and continue what you were doing and where you were headed before the question ever came up?

As for me to respond to you -- of course I still am responding in the old known way -- don't think words can ever really reach that part of another person.  What a frustration to find out that you so seldom reach anybody and hardly ever with words.   More and more now (from now on up to our parent's level -- or down?) -- people have a lot to lose by changing their course -- they have a balance worked out and it wasn't easy and they're not about to give it up for someone else's vision of how things should be.   Sad, but true -- it's like asking our parents to smoke grass and get into it they simply have too much to lose at this stage of the game and there's no guarantee!  You might not win the big game -- the way they are, they're fairly wise to say no. Think of that when you feel disappointed when people won't respond to you.  I will respond as best I can, within my own time and place and without any loss of my own balance, that's all anyone can do -- at the state we're at, no one is going to leave their own hard-won perception behind for yours -- this is life in the grown-up world.  It's not what we expected it to be is it?  We always thought we'd always be totally open to anything and you turn around and see your self limiting certain spheres out of your range forever.  I've said too much already -- I probably could have summed this all up in a line or two if I had the real clarity of thought you're looking for.  I'm only another one "on the way", like you.  I'm very interested in your thoughts now, after this amount of time has gone by -- if you don't write before Christmas, I'll see you in Warren then.  I'm definitely coming home for Christmas -- trying to get a ride now but I have reservations if I don't.

I hope this will serve as the feedback you wanted-- I'm sure you've heard from other people by now and maybe this will add something to their responses -- I'm glad you decided to write the letter -- it certainly was a "moving" experience.

Take care!

I've talked to Mardi  -- I've buried all my doubts for now and am just trying to gain some support.  (She wants to go out and see Bill!  No surprise, right?  I advised her against it, biting my tongue to keep from saying a lot of things, but if she decides to chance it, she'll do it I'm sure.  Joan and Freddie are now in Meadville, Pa -- one of their strings of Penna towns -- I have no address.  My brother Tim is at home working at the State, substitute teaching at Warren High (weird!) and buying a car -- his girlfriend, Rita, has never been heard of again after going down to Texas to see the Maharishi -- and I'm in old Boston fixing up a new apt. and going nowhere new I suppose!  Warren at Christmas should be interesting!

Now I'll end this -- happy holidays!

October 28, 1972 (Letter from Barb)

Just got your letter after the long abstinence of communication.  And I just got one from Mardi -- after a month since my mom died.   Of course I haven't written to anybody -- have been in a month long bummer which I hope is drawing to a close.  It was so good hearing form you.  I was feeling very isolated and alone in the world.  I had been home 2 weeks while Mom was in the hospital and was there all the time so I really got into the whole thing.  Timmy and Danny were there when she died -- it was like nothing had happened.  No big thing -- very quiet.  Just another routine thing in the hospital.  All the relatives were wailing away and we were calm.  Mardi called that nite because her mother had called her and told her.  I really didn't expect her to come but did wish that she would.  I was hurt to think she never even considered it.  I felt that she just didn't acknowledge the happening.  So there it is -- I have felt in the last year or so that Mardi puts Mardi first in all -- perhaps it's a lack in communication, and maybe it's just the hassle of living.  I don't know.  Friends don't stay the same in the "grown-up" world.  Joan was home the weekend after and it was really good to talk to her, believe it or not.  She and Freddie are really on the rocks -- she is considering divorce.  If you talk to her don't say anything about this.  She is not in too good shape.  Excuse the handwriting, but Rick and I are in the laundromat sort of hunched up on the window sill -- Sunday afternoon at the laundromat.  There is not much new w/ me -- Rick and I are still together but it's been rocky the last month considering my mood and the fact that I don't have a roommate anymore to help me support the apt.  Rick has been living there but he has no money.  I am really trying to move but it's hard to find something as roomy and nice as my place, only cheaper and in a nice neighborhood.  No such thing!  And I now have a car of sorts.  Our old gray Buick from home.  Rick and I brought it back after the funeral.  He had fixed it cause it wasn't running at all.  Now it runs but has no reverse, no drive, etc. etc.  All we have is low.  It's a lot better than nothing, I can conclude.  That has been one nice thing.

Monday night -- Long pause in between these installments.  I know I'm really not feeling myself when I can't even sit down and write a letter.  It's been very hard to do just that and this is the first in over a month.  Lucky Paul!  It's easy to respond to your rambling raps though. You are going through a phase but don't think it's shallow, youth pre-programmed and all that.  A necessary portion of your awakening into that grown-up world we are all so fond of talking about?  College senior restlessness?  Whatever you call it it's forward with determination -- doesn't seem to be the way.  There's no rush -- right?!  I remember coming to Boston 2 1/2 years ago and sometimes it seems like the blink of an eye -- other times like at least ten years have passed.  I of course do not feel that it is an end or a final place -- whatever it is, it's not here.  I would never be an inhabitant of all this continual motion.  But there's a life in itself here that it worth being attentive to.  Maybe you will find your place or your work soon and remain there -- who knows?  I've found that adulthood has somehow overtaken me in the midst of my travels so I'm at a different viewpoint than 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 3 months ago!  It's really sort of out of our power, so as you said, flow with it.

You also say you're noticing a distance between you and the people you're living among.  I think this is the point where people do go off in their own direction -- last year of school and onward, if it hasn't happened already.  Don't count on your friends to support you completely or to stay with you.  That's not in their power either.  They'll have their own focus and they, (he, she, etc) have to go w/ it.  So explains Mardi and Joan and Barb, Paul, Mike, etc, etc, etc!!  Your consideration of staying in Buffalo till spring sounds like it will be worth it -- you'll have time to think a little.  If your travel plans don't click you're welcome to try Boston, the Cape or the Vineyard -- 3 assorted lifestyles.  As I aid, you're welcome.  Wherever I may be, it till probably be one of the three, although by summer I don't believe it will be Boston.  I have even considered living at home for a few months in view of the circumstances -- I haven't pursued the idea very far I must say.  Getting a place outside of Warren wouldn't be such a bad idea for awhile.  Although the working situation there is really undesirable (???)   Did you know that Joan graduates in January too, and then she has to do her student teaching somewhere and somehow support herself -- like she said, because of Freddie she has no home and no money, and needless to say, no security.  Any encouragement for a too-early biracial marriage?  Thanks god Mardi and Bill didn't get married!  She says she is adjusting to Sue and seeing Bill, period.  That was the extent of the news.  She's mostly tied up with work and school.  I've got to acknowledge her perseverance anyway.  She also says she probably won't be home for Christmas.  I don't know why not but Mardi's mind bears no explanation.  I will be of course and also for Thanksgiving.  Will  you be there?  Warren, Pa and the 15,000 friendly folk?  Leroy Schneck ramblin on?  Scott Saylor socking it to em on WNAE?  It's all there, folks -- just stay on rt 6 and follow the crowd!

Well, I hope this has provided some enlightenment, enjoyment or news -- I really can't elaborate on how things are in old Beantown -- I haven't been paying too much attention to them.  But I am coming out of my retirement to go see Steve Miller Band and James Montgomery Blues Band Friday night and Judy Collins in 2 weeks.  I think it's money well spent.  Also, wistful plans of going to the Vineyard for a few days -- the winter's the best.  Nice and desolate and deserted.  Take care and thanks all over for writing.  Don't forget to go and vote for McGovern -- it's the only gesture we can make and I sadly believe it will only be a gesture.

See you next month I hope.  Don't work too hard at nite or you'll have your yearly shitty cold early this year!

Harry says a doggy hi -- she will probably be home too!

October 26, 1972 (Letter from Mardi)

Happy happy birthday!  I wrote myself a note so I could send you a card but as usual I am behind schedule.

I'll try and get this out before the mail girl gets here!

Everything is in that state of -- HECTIC -- I'm fighting my way through classes, not because they're difficult, I just can't get with it!

Sue and I are getting along fine but it still seems funny to have her for a "roomy".  Bill is still trying to get into a job and it's been a pisser!  Same old story.

Haven't really got too much to say right now, besides being at work I can't quite get into this letter.  I've been waiting and waiting to hear from Barb, but she must be too pre-occupied to write I haven't heard form her since about 2 months ago.  Did get a letter from Joan and she was mentioned about Freddy going back to school in Ohio.  I know they were having a lot of trouble but she didn't even bring it up.  Hopefully they will work things out and old Fred will see the light.

Tonight Arlo Guthrie is going to be at Northrup Hall at the U.  So we are ambling over there.  Last night we went to the hockey game and naturally our fantastic Northstars fell to St. Louis 4-3.  Then we went to the "Little Tiajuana" and ate Mexican food and drank beer all night.  What an awful thing to do to my stomach!  I'll never look at a tamale again!

Take care and I will drop you a line again soon. Oh, I have Gary and Kathy Tuller's address, do you need it?  They don't live in Colorado, I thought you said they lived near Denver, maybe not.

September 25, 1972 (Letter from Mardi)

Thought I'd drop you a few quick lines before I get to my exciting job this morning!\
You may know by now, but Barb's mother died Fri night.  I talked to her Fri night and everyone is OK, at least her and her father, Tim and Dan are doing fine.  Everyone is relieved that she is no longer suffering.  The funeral was today.  I guess Rick was going to try and get there.

My mother also was talking to Mark and he has gotten a divorce.  I'll have to drop him a line.  Barb and I were talking about Joan and she and Freddie are having a very bad time of it too.  I hope she gets her student teaching in.  Joan has tried to file for divorce, but Freddie manages to show and talk her out of it.  She hasn't discussed it with anyone but Barb.  As for Bill and I we're still keeping things separated and relaxed.  Sue should be moving in at the end of the week.  I have painted the trim in my bedroom and have gotten an antique vanity and dresser for Sue and I.  I'm tackling the kitchen next and then the bath, things will be organized soon!  (Organized? never but..)

I can't believe you're at Gleason's again.  Immediately projected back to 1969-70?  It's better than not working t all.  I'm glad you applied at U of M, their library science may not be too demanding but it's one of the best universities there are.  Minneapolis and Minnesota, unfortunately, are not familiar or do not hit people as being a well-established hub of the midwest.  The word "midwest" alone tends to turn people from the east or west away, I certainly never pictured it to be what it really is.  It's really a unique city right now.  Everyone has all the culture and activities of the city within reach, but have a community life and family life as well.  I'm sure though that good old Msp will be expanding its boundaries and pushing the rural and suburban communities out of touch with the city.  I think tomorrow I'll join the JC's!??

Anyway, I know how you fell about being back at UB.  It doesn't feel like the same place.  It never is when the people are gone.  It doesn't make any difference where you are.  People make your life, not the place.  BUT I doubt if I'll ever move to Warren, Pa.  Let's be sensible!  I feel sorry for Foster, I can't get over his inability to "cope"!  He's just as bad as, or worse than the rest of the people in Warren.  He's had more than his share of opportunities.  I can't figure out what he expects from life.  He wants a well paying job, car, apt, etc right now!  He's going to get a late start.  I hope he gets something so he can get away before it's too late.  He's so afraid of not succeeding that he's not.  Oh gosh oh me!

I've got to close and get to work.  Take care.

Went to see the Allman Brothers again, just love 'em.  ZOWIE!

June 26, 1972 (Letter from Renee)

It seems hard to believe that almost a year has passed since I last heard from you or spoke to you.  I was so very pleased to receive the letter from you this week.  I have often wondered just exactly what you've been up to and I'm also very glad to know that you think enough of me to keep up correspondence -- even though we both have been pretty lax.  I always enjoy your letters and it is a really nice feeling to know that at least one of my hometown friends still wants to keep in touch with me.

I really don't know where to begin to tell you about my life since the last time we talked with one another.  A lot happens in a year.  I may as well start at the beginning -- so here it is!

After I graduated from OSU last year I looked for a job almost the entire summer.  I had decided that teaching was really not for me and I didn't really care to pursue a teaching career.  I guess I had just had it up to my ears with school and I thought it would be nice to come home at 5 o'clock without any worries.  Well, I took a job as a secretary with a big savings and loan company here in Columbus in the downtown office.  What a fateful mistake that was!  I absolutely abhorred my job, couldn't stand my idiot of a boss, didn't feel any sort of satisfaction in what I was doing -- and in general was a lousy secretary.  I worked in the savings and loan from August to November and then I said so long and goodby to the world of business.  At that point I felt like a failure already since I wasn't too successful on my first job venture.  I guess my main problem was that I felt no satisfaction in the job I was doing and really felt like I was helping achieve a big zero.  At any rate, at that point I decided the only way to find out if I really had any knack for teaching was to apply for a job.  It wasn't too easy looking for a full time teaching job in the middle of the year but I plodded along sending applications everywhere in Columbus.  I really struck it lucky though cause I got a position in the wealthiest suburbs of Columbus called Upper Arlington teaching 5 classes of 8th grade English full time.  The teacher I replaced got pregnant and I happened to be in the right place at the right time looking for a job.  Needless to say the pay was super GREAT compared to working as a secretary -- but pay wasn't all that I was really looking for.  It was a difficult task to take over classes during midyear but I survived and I'm still wondering how.  I really do like the school that I teach at.  It is relatively new, the faculty is extremely conscientious and talented, and the materials available and general environment make it quite pleasant to say the least.  I had my moments as a beginning teacher when I thought I would lose my sanity or lose my job -- and the kids weren't terribly cooperative.  They wanted to play games to see how much they could get away with -- but I suppose I've weathered that storm too.  I am not terribly pleased with the quality of my teaching work this year but I am looking forward to going back and starting fresh in the fall.  I guess I've kind of learned all the little do's and don'ts that go along with disciplining and behavioral problems.  Once a teacher has thorough knowledge of her subject matter (which I didn't) then she has half the battle licked.  Between not feeling terribly secure with the subject matter and never having to discipline anyone before, I sure had quite a time of it -- but I had lots of encouragement along the way from other teachers and mostly from my husband.

At any rate Upper Arlington liked me enough to renew my contract for next year and I got a $250 pay raise to boot so I'm not complaining.

I am doing absolutely nothing this summer except being a housewife -- fooling around, reading a lot, cleaning, cooking, swimming and just plain being me.  I made some grandiose plans for all that I was going to accomplish this summer but so far I haven't done much in the way of carrying them out.

Morrey and I are still living in the same apartment on Shanley Drive -- we've finally gotten our apartment to look the way we want it to and to suit out comforts to a T.  Needless to say I am still very happily married and fell very secure and quite content with life as it is right now.  For the first time since we've been married (which is two years) Morrey and I are enjoying freedom from financial worries -- we're not millionaires but our bills are finally all paid and  we have a little to spare for the things we want.  I would like to go back to school  I really wanted a rest from any kind of mental work and Morrey makes few demands upon me and gives me complete freedom to do what I want when I want.  We really do have an ideal marriage-- and we sure do know a lot of screwed up people -- so we're glad to have each other.  It is really unique but my husband really is my best friend and confidant and there is no one else in the world whom I enjoy being with more than he.  I suppose perhaps that this might all seem rather corny to you -- but we re very happy, comfortable, and secure. I guess one might say we've found our "niche" in life.

In your letter you referred to feeling old -- well my friend, would you believe that my high school class reunion is the 19th of August!  I really do know that I am finally a member of the next generation when I got the invitation to my reunion.  Morrey and I are planning on going -- although I am willing to bet that it will be a boring evening for him and a disappointing one for me.  I really never was very close to any of my high school classmates -- but curiosity killed the cat and I am anxious to see them and hear about what they are doing with their lives.

I was glad to hear that Barb was successful in Boston and really making a go of it.  I feel very badly about her mother's illness and wish that there were something I could do.  As for Mardi -- I probably never will see her again and she has sort of drifted in her own chosen direction.  It is a shame that her life is kind of a mess right now and I wish the best for her.  As for Mike -- the last time I saw him he was too much for me and I'm not really ever impressed by collegiate name droppers -- they are amusing but not very intellectually stimulating to say the least.  Mike seems like one of those late bloomers who will finally grow up when he's about 35.  I saw Mark Van Volkinburg last fall before he got married.  We were supposed to go to his wedding but it was too long of  trip and we didn't have much money for such trips at that time.  He's kind of had a rough go of it in the last 2 years from what he told me but I still like him a lot and he has some very fine and sensitive qualities that make him a nice person to know.  I had met his wife (she came to our wedding with him) and she was a real doll so I hope that they are making it together.  I am wondering whatever happened to Joan Piccirillo and I hope that maybe you can fill me in on some of the details.

I was disappointed that you didn't make it to Columbus last summer and I hope that perhaps on your way back from California you can come here and stay with us for awhile.  We have plenty of room and you are always welcome.  I would be delighted to have you as our guest and I hope that you can arrange to come out here whenever you have a chance.  Just drop me a line or give me a call to let me know when you are coming.

Well Paul, I can't really think of much more to tell you that I haven't said already.  I hope that we can continue to write to each other.  Morrey and I plan to be in Columbus for quite awhile and we will still be at the same address so please try to keep in touch.

March 19, 1972 (Letter from Barb)

Heighdy-ho Paul Nelson how in the hell are you?  I'm sorry about not writing!!  I haven't written a letter since February and I feel like a jerk.  But before I go on -- do you know if you're coming over Easter yet?  Let me know now so I can plan our fun-filled vacation -- gala parties, dope dens, etc. etc.  I think I'm going to go home for the weekend after Easter since I have that Monday off -- some state holiday.

Do you plan on making the Annual Memorial Day Festivities and Chicken Barbecue this year?? I guess that's the only time we ever get together -- that and Christmas.  God, it seems like last May was 35 years ago!

Thursday 3/23.  I can't even get one letter written -- fate is against me.  I had just gotten the date written and the electricity went off -- so we were fooling around 2/ the fuses for awhile.  Everything always works so well in this house.   Not much news to tell you -- did I tell you "I'm in love again" -- well I'm going out w/ a guy anyway.  Since November -- I probably mentioned it to you over Christmas.  The more I know him, the more I like him, which is very strange and not the usual state of affairs.  One good thing (or bad thing? I don't know) it will do is keep me in Boston this summer instead of hitting the road again, as I've done for the last three summers!  I have 3 weeks vacation so it won't be so bad.  I plan to go to the Vineyard then and groove out on the ocean.  A summer w/out the ocean is unheard of!!  I'm back at Mass Mental since the end of January -- completely different than last year -- especially with my good buddy Meryl gone and all different people there-- except the crazies of course.  It's always an experience though -- now instead of Meryl I have Tony -- a guy who is a homosexual, active in  Gay Liberation, etc.  So far 8 hours a day I am getting a new slant on life and since he is very outgoing and frank about his life, etc.  He's a nice guy but very hyper -0- mostly because of popping pills all the time.  Oh, Boston is just a clean place to live!!  (And I got a good job too!)  How are things in Buffalo?? and school?  Harry says hi and she ants you to come visit.  We have a rabbit now, you can groove on -- it's a little baby and Nanse keeps it in her room -- just what we need.  All Harry wants to do it eat it.  Are you going to California this summer?  (What are you going to do???, etc etc ad nauseum!)  I just sent Mardi a brithday card -- she's 22 and I'm 23 and I'm freaking out.  (You're 22 too, right?)  I guess Bil is getting unemployment now -- I don't know what he's doing with his time (Al's).  Mardi was talking about them buying a car and coming home in May.  Memorial Day here we come.  I haven't written to Joan (everytime I think of it I just don't know what to write!)  All I want to know is how she's doing -- I keep expecting the worst -- I don't know why!  Like a divorce or something.  Any word from Michael?  He'll the The Graduate in a few months -- he, he.  We're all "students of life", yes, yes.

Write and talk to me ahilw when you have time -- and let me know about Easter, ok?  You can call if you want (collect of course) - (617/731-1058).  I wont' be going home till weekendn of April 14th.  Take care.

November 11, 1971 (Letter from Mardi)

Hi ya sweetheart -- I just saw Casablanca for the third time and I'm all psyched on Humphrey B again -- love that movie -- I couldn't remember if I owed you a letter or not.  My mother told me she got "the nicest" letter from you.  She called me Friday night to say she got a letter from Mr. Sayles and that we might be going to Florida this winter.  She sounded really excited and told me not to get too excited myself because he just may want her alone to go down. I keep hoping they will get married!  I can just feel something coming.  I can't figure out what's going on -- my mother never says anything.  I haven't heard too much from anyone else.  Barb is thinking of moving on for parts unknown -- she can no longer cope with Boston.  I hope she finds her "place" soon.  I know I wasn't too sure about this place for a long time and then it seemed to fit all in (that doesn't sound right?!) -- and now I really love this city.  I can remember a few? of the traumas I had!  Only 20 or 30.  As for the rest of my letter-writing friends -- I hear nothing.  I guess Joan is going back to school and her and Freddie were not getting along.  She never writes.  Nothing from Foster.  I'm waiting to see if the Peace Corps is still no. 1 at Christmas time.  It's really funny but I"m looking forward to going home for Christmas. Oh! before I forget to tell you!  I made my reservations the other day and since I had no idea when you planned on going home or how you planned going home, I made a reservation for you too!  Naturally it can be cancelled. I made the reservation for Mohawk this year so I don't have to go to Chicago!  Your fare is $60.00!!!  Oh for the 23rd of December.  I'm just trying to be fairly organized about this -- kind of!

I h ave to go now and hit the calculator.  Take care!

Hey! forgot to tell you!  Went to "The Rock'n'Roll Revival" last week.  Fantastic!  Chuck Berry was there along with a million old groups.  The thing lasted for 4 hrs.  Anderson was right at home -- he was born to be a greaser!!!

September 9, 1971 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

Howdy -- you fucker!  What in the hell are you doing????  Don't you know that living at the beach is all a fantasy -- life that's only good for a little while -- believe me I know and don't I know that's why I'm the dud I am now!  So hep me Nelson, if you do what I did I'll kill you!  I feel like it's my kid or something...really, "what are you going to do?" -- GIANT QUOTES around that question.  When I first heard you were in California I was home -- in Warren Pa 16365 -- I went home for a week -- my mother had an operation -- she has cancer and they had to remove her breast -- it was really heavy for them, so I had to go home for the week.  So I casually call up your house to see where you're living in Buffalo -- I'm there -- California??  Then Mardi tells me you're staying there.  Well, what can I say?  Paul -- how can you, of all people, quit school?  You are the original enjoyer of school --I've never known anyone to enjoy it and get more out of it than you do -- when I quit I knew it would be a wasted  year for me to go on, but for you I don't see it that way.  Anyway, maybe I'm worrying all for naught -- why don't you write and tell me -- I'll only be here on the island till Sunday, then back to Boston and home for a few weeks to help my mother out.  So write to me at home -- OK?

The summer here ended as suddenly as if someone shut it down for the season.   Labor Day was everyone's last day at work and boom -- everything closed and everyone went back to where they came from.  Now the roads are deserted and we are just wondering what to do with the days until we go.  It's like country time -- we have gone through changes in our house lately -- Woodstock II has arrived -- everyone wanting just a place to be and music to listen too -- our house is it.  I can't explain the latest hassles but I will when I see you.  Why in hell can't people get along -- even people that you like you can't get along with anymore.  People are such fucking assholes to each other -- our time here-- I mean on the island -- is so short -- why can't we be generous.  Shit.  Time anywhere is fucking short -- it always seems that it will last forever until all at once you're remembering it.  Mardi told me she was coming here and then I got a letter that she's not and guess why -- no $$$.  Now what the hell kind of fucking excuse is that but with Mardi and Bill it's true.  So I didn't answer to call -- so she called me last night and we talked about all this shit.  There were 10 million people here-- 5 million of whom no one in the house knew and I couldn't talk really freely on the phone -- it's so rare you get to talk freely now-a-days -- it used to be you did it very day of your life!  Everyone's grown up!  I'm also running out of paper -- what am I babbling about?  Hey, I got a letter from Joan today.  Her life is like a fucking soap opera -- she moved on on Freddy -- she said she got drunk and tried to kill him (?) -- but they're together now and all is well.  Did you get all that?  She is also going back to Clarion in January and the government is paying for it.  If that marriage makes it, it will be all Joan's doing -- I hope she can do it!  And Mardi and Bill are not making it together either -- God, the whole thing just sucks -- people are just determined to fuck everything up.  But Mardi's staying tho -- working and going to school at night again this year.  Where the hell does she have to go?  If I didn't go back to Boston where the hell would I go?  I was thinking today -- up on the top of the back field behind our house -- why can't we all be back where we were 2 or 3 years ago, only be what we are now -- just have our new selves there-- I had it all figured out anyway.  I went out in the field w/ Harry to get away from PEOPLE -- I swear I'm going to be a hermit in another year or so -- so I hope I see you before then so I can talk to you.

I saw Mike when he was home -- he's applying to the Peace Corps for next year -- duh!  And Tina and Mark are just about goners -- they're both hitched by now.  So what else is new -- no new lights in my horizon -- for once in 3 years -- everything seems planned out and all I have to do is follow it all through.  I'm going home for a while -- then back to Boston to old Calumet St. and the old job at Mass Mental.  And every fall I'm usually freaking out wondering what to do -- it all seems so dull this way -- maybe something will come up and fuck me up -- if I'm lucky.  You know my Boston address -- right?  It'll be me and Doreen and Nancy and -- get this -- Doreen and John are getting married -- that's too much in itself -- and planning to live with us in the same place when they do.  Shades of Apt 203, Lake Street!  Oh we are just so unconventional aren't we?  Now I am going to end all this -- just write soon.  Take care Paul -- I hate to say it, but I will (see you at Christmas) SHIT!

June 29, 1971 (Letter from Renee)

I must sincerely apologize for not responding to your letter much sooner, but with the onset of graduation and about a million other things I had to put off writing until I had time to really give it my full concentration and take all the time I needed.  So much has happened over the last few months that I really don't know where to begin to tell you about "The Days of our Lives' (ha, ha!)

First of all,  let me say that I have never been happier in my whole life than I am right now.  Our marriage is really a beautiful thing and each passing day it becomes more meaningful and more enjoyable.  I finally got that old diploma into my hot little hands on June 11 and we really celebrated for about a week.  My parents came down for graduation, Morrey's family came, all of our friends partied with us and we just had one hell of a hopping good time.  I still can't believe that I don't have to go to school any more and every day now I expect to see fee cards in the mail for another quarter.  It is absolutely wonderful not to have anything on my mind and not to have to worry about grades, papers, and tests any longer.  By the same token it is still quite an eerie feeling to know that the good old college days are gone and that I am supposed to be a responsible adult out in that great big ugly word right now.  I graduated with a solid 3.0 accum but it hasn't done me a hell of a lot of good in finding a job.  I keep fluctuating between a desire to give teaching at least a try and a repulsion against all the hogwash and stupidity of the way the schools are run in the first place.  I too, Paul, am searching for the answer to "what's it all about and what am I all about" -- but thank God I have a very devoted and loving husband who gives me the security and confidence I need to cope with the situation.   It seems unreal that 4 y ears ago everyone was saying "Go to college and they'll be knocking at your door to offer you a job."  BULLSHIT!  In Columbus the situation is pretty bad job-wise and one can pound his fists on lots of doors and still not come up with a decent job.  For the mean time, I am enjoying just being plan Mrs. Prayzer, housewife and fun-lover and I'm having the time of my life -- but this kind of heaven can't possibly last forever and for financial reasons as well as the fact that I'll soon be bored here by myself all day -- I must find a job.  One of the reasons I don't want to teach is that I am very selfish about my evenings and I don't think I could stand having to do schoolwork at night any longer -- 4 years of it was enough and I want to enjoy my evenings with my husband without a guilty conscience.  I guess I'm looking for a straight 9 to 5 job in an office doing some sort of personnel work.  I am not in any big rush yet so I can take my time in finding a job that I like.

Morrey and I just got back from a week's vacation.  Spent 4 days in Chicago at my brother's and 2 days in Wisconsin.  Had a lot of fun in Chicago -- big brother took us to a lot of neat pubs and drinking places -- as well as other fun sights.  Then Morrey and I drove to Madison, Wisc. and stayed overnight there.  The campus of the U. of Wisconsin is unbelievably and absolutely gorgeous.  The campus is right on a lake and all the frats and sororities houses are like resorts on a lake.  Then we went to Wisconsin Dells which is a very scenic and pleasant place to visit.  Bought lots of cheese in Wisc and lots of booze in Chicago since it is very inexpensive there-- and since we've been doing a lot of socializing and drinking here at home.

We have really been lucky and made a lot of really great friends here in our apartment complex.  They are mostly young couples our age or older and our social life has really picked up in the last 3 months.  Last winter I was crying my eyes out because we had very few friends and not much to do socially or otherwise -- but now the situation has changed entirely and Morrey and I are hardly ever without company or friends around to do things with.  I never could stand being anti-social in my "Warren" days so I guess this is a carry-over from that.  We love our apartment because of the facilities her -- the pool, clubhouse, basketball courts and tennis -- never a dull moment.  The partyhouse is really beautiful with a wood burning fireplace and we intend to use it often this summer for parties.  Had one big party this spring -- a fondue party -- took out all of the furniture from our living room and everyone sat on cushions on the floor around a big platform we made with all kinds of various fondues and junk to eat and drink.  Went through a case of wine and I've never been so inebriated in my life.  Everybody finally conked out on our floor and Morrey put me to bed, but we had a lively time of it!!

I was surprised to hear the news about Joan -- but it all adds up to knowing her. I hope she is happy being married yet I have my serious doubts as to whether she was ready for it and if she can or could cope with it.  Haven't kept in touch with the rest of the gang besides you at all.  My mother told me that Mark had a nervous breakdown -- but I don't think her courses were reliable. I do know that he is spending the summer in Warren as a lifeguard at the pool.

As for Mardi and Barb I have to honestly say I could care less -- and I don't mean to sound stuck up or conceited about it at all.  I never was "with it" in their circle and I don't much give a damn anyhow.  I hope Barb is making something out of herself besides a bum -- cause she sure was headed in that direction when I last saw her.  I wish Mardi the best yet I have my doubts about her too.  I guess they just aren't my kind of people anymore cause I just can't see much substance to them.  They were fun to hang around with but those days are long gone and almost forgotten.  My opinion of Mike isn't much and I grow rather sick of "being impressed" each time I talk to him.  To me, Mike lacks any knowledge of reality and what this world is all about anyway -- besides fraternities and his "good school chums".  I don't' mean to sound anything but honest and if I have offended you I sincerely apologize.  Let's suffice it to say that our friendship Paul, I hope, will always exist and perhaps grow stronger as we grow older and mature.  If it sounds freaky to say "I like your mind and the way you think" let it sound freaky but I sincerely mean it.  I thoroughly enjoy your letters and your style of writing is really something else.  You are one of the most sincere and truly honest poeple I know of have known -- and there is a certain charm about you -- whether it be just plain intelligence plus personality or what -- I really do admire and respect you -- what's more I really like you!!  END sermon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do hope you can find time to come out and visit us sometime this summer.  As I've said before we have an extra bedroom -- lots of food and booze and I (we) really would enjoy having you as our guest.  Now that Morrey and I are settled down we've really found a lot of fun things to do here in Columbus -- and for the most part they are relatively inexpensive.  We're certainly not ready for our rocking chairs yet -- and just because we're settled down doesn't mean we're party poopers who retire on the dot at 11!!!  So --- please come out and stay with us for awhile if you can.  Just let me know when you are coming and I'll dust off the red carpet.  Bring a friend (either sex) if you'd like -- we've got lots of room!

Well, I started to write a letter and I've written a chapter and I have many more yet to write so I"ll close for now.  Please excuse the miserable typing and unforgivable spelling and punctuation errors -- I'm just not in the mood to be very formal in my writings just yet.

Well Paul, be good and take care -- WRITE AGAIN SOON.