November 4, 1976 (Letter from Barb N)

I must say that I always enjoy your letters.  I don't feel that you are looking at life wrong because I see the same picture and I also disagree.  Let me tell you that I have felt frozen for the past months but now I feel a relief slowly oozing through me.

How should I start to tell you the events that have led up to now.  I should tell you that our household is going their separates ways in January.  Darrel and Laura share the same room only they are distant friends most of the time.  They don't relate to each other as two people who sleep together should.  Laura has deep religious convictions and Darrel loves to party.  God knows why Laura loves Darrel so much.  Laura can not live here because she has lost herself a long time ago. It would only hurt her more to stay.

Darrel and I could share the apartment together but I don't want to.  My feelings which I now realize are I feel that Laura is a mother image and Darrel would be my brother.  I feel that because Laura is against drinking and smoking totally, I have to hide so I don't hurt her.  But I feel like when I was at home in Warren.  So I am caught up in what I am and what I am in Laura's eyes.

What irritated our household and brought forth the hidden disease is Sten.  Laura and Darrel met him in Amsterdam and he is now here for a two week visit.  I don't know why his presence caused such a disturbance but it seems as if a black cloud lingers over our lives.  Sten has totally disrooted my life, thrown me down to the ground, and spit on my forehead.  I say it is good for me.

Paul, I have this problem of constantly telling my life to others which is wrong.  I get caught up in myself so many times.  I play the part of the fool but I never seem to change my role.  It is easy to speak as I have confessed to the "priest" so many times before but to be honest and change leaves me too weak inside.

I am caught up in religion.  I don't believe that man has to say that I believe in Christ and have eternal life.  Man has been granted a life of God when each entity has the will to live in his favor. We have to break all the bonds and get down to the basics of life.  If we were to understand more we would have to be more attuned to nature.  Yes, man is building a synthetic society, straying far from the course of God.  Even the churches are to blame.

If I could only think of myself and stop trying to reach favor in other's eyes.  This is my fault.  Only I need people like you and Larry who value life.  Who understand more than most people.  I believe most people are committing the greatest sin by conforming to the perverse world.  It makes me want to hate.

It has been raining continuously now for the past few weeks.  One of the main roads out to where a lot of Americans live has been blocked off.  The road fell through.  Farther down the road by the Olivetti factory 1/2 of the roadside avalanched down the hillside and half the road is closed for repairs.  Most of this area is built on lava and with the abundant rainfall this year it is loosening the soil  Destruction is at a rampage in Italy.  I don't fear for my life because I will survive and be a very strong woman.  I do believe I have a powerful destiny.

I bought a stereo for $100 so I have a Garrard turntable, a Sound Design amp (which I plan to sell), and TEK speakers.  I'm satisfied with the set but I plan to buy a receiver.  I also am buying albums.  I have been cheap for so long.  I have 3000.00 in the bank and no debts plus my G.I. bill so I feel justified in my spending.

I am going to come home during X-mas for 3 weeks.  I want to get back home.  I am not sure if I will go to the lake next summer.  I will discuss it when I come home.  There are people I want to see back home.  I am looking forward to the change.

I am going to become a connoisseur of wine.  I am indulging in a few glasses of Ischia Blanco which is excellent.  The wine in Italy is natural without preservatives.  In most trattorias (restaurants) they have their own home-made wine not to mention the excellent pasta they serve.

Paul I get a big kick out of playing the guitar.  I really do enjoy myself.  I am not good but I still try to practice as much as possible.  I have found it very worthwhile.

I thought your beard was attractive on you.  I do have a preference to masculine features and I think facial hair well=trimmed adds to a man's appearance.  I will tell you that I was going to let the hair on my legs and underarms grow out but I felt that I lost my femininity.  I am conforming to our society's standards only I choose to conform.

I will end here now.