February 17, 1974 (Letter from Barb)

As I begin my correspondence after a lengthy pause (roughly 2 months) you are the first one I'm going to write to.  Lucky boy.  I almost feel like skipping all the external events, they could sound like such a down and their relation to reality is not that close anyway.  Now I know why Joan never writes letters -- no news is better than the news you have to give sometimes!  Well, here goes --

#1 -- I'm moving again.  A big black cloud has come to rain on my parade by the name of LANDLORD -- I know I've managed to talk into every bad situation in the book since I've been back here but this one was really and truly unforeseeable.  After a health dept inspection occurred because of my kitchen wall continuing to crumble away, this strange sick man of a landlord let loose a barrage of harassment -- shutting off my electricity, chasing away the repair man, threatening me and telling me to get out (troublemaker, communist, etc.)  This all happened almost a month ago -- I had housing out on it and he turned on the electricity (finally) but his intent was clear -- to get me out by the end of the month.  Due to his violent nature and my own vulnerability in staying here alone and having Harry here all day I was forced to look for another place.  I can't even explain the hassles, lawyers, tenants organizations, Rick, and the other things he's done like letting his German shepherds at Harry, turning off my hot water, etc.  The kind of situation you've got to feel can't be real, but it is.  How does one know that renting a decent place w/ a good lease doesn't insure anything?  I had no way of knowing this character was a nut and a lease is just a piece of paper to him -- I'm really not that bummed out about him, I just don't believe it!  So -- next weekend I'm going to move in w/ Terry and Kathy for the time being.  I have reached the stage of not being disappointed or elated by outside events.  There's been no progress in that area for 6 months, although I have made some inner progress, it's not reflected in anything around me.  Everything has kept an unstable and transient nature and I don't expect a change.  At work we've just moved to a new building -- from a very quiet, patient-oriented and small older place to a new, big clinic where people pay the status game and rigid attitudes abound.  I am now working out of a cramped, ridiculous room 2/ fluorescent lighting, the whole trip.  There is a certain amount of conflict between us and our own attitudes and what we found when we got there.  They even object to our toys and things for the kids -- they don't feel it's dignified to have to step over a kid playing with a toy -- interferes with business-as-usual -- to us, business as usual is children, to them it is something different. With the attitudes I've been encountering everywhere here I really go into a despair sometimes.  It's like starting the world all over again every day.  As this past week was our final week after the move and I was frustrated at every turn, I allowed myself the luxury of getting high every high but one!  I have really not turned to grass in a long time but there are times when I feel I need out of my daily circle of thoughts and worries and the constant tyranny of the ego.  For months I have been living an isolated life of my solitude and my habits and now I feel like getting stoned with people.  Friday nite I went out with a friend from work and her roommate -- got very stoned and went to see 2 Charlie Chaplin movies and enjoyed myself immensely.  Tomorrow I have off and Terry and Kathy and I are going up to New Hampshire to see Doreen.  I'm even renting a car!  It has taken a very little while to dawn on me that there is no permanence here for me -- everything I've come back here to find has dissolved, but I had to know it for sure -- I must know the truth of things.  I have no plans now -- I can only wait for the voice to speak again and hope I have the courage (again) to follow it.  Seems that every few years life alters itself completely and there's a time of just nothing and waiting until it shows a completely new face.  5 years ago at this time the same thing was happening and although that sounds like a long time, it seems to me just a moment -- then the change came not only as a change in place but a complete change in goals, attitudes, a whole new ball game.  (no pun intended, he, he)  I feel like that whole time of being young and just living to learn is over -- I've been learning for 25 years and there's something else to live for now but I don't know what it is!  It's not more formal education and it's not a career (per se) and it's not marriage yet -- I just have no concrete picture to present.  I'm very attuned to what's in the wind and when I see it, well, I'll do it.  I feel very out of touch with most of the old people -- I just don't know where they are -- all I know is they're not where I am. You and my brother, Tim, are 2 people I can perceive as being close to where I am; Mardi is worlds away and it's something I'm sorry to see.  I'm not judging anybody or myself -- I'm just noting how it is.  I don't even blame Mardi or anyone anymore for their decisions -- I just accept it.  What can I say further?  I have no positive view of people one way or the other.  Look around and tell me if anyone has even begun on any sort of understanding, knowledgeable life -- a few have and there but then there's the fucking government and do you believe, does it seem at all reasonable that it keeps on day after day?  Today this guy tried to crash his helicopter into the White House and they put him in the psychiatric ward!  My God, they've got the wrong guy!  It is all so insane... I don't even think we have a congress at this point.  The people here are very angry and radicalized but these aren't the ones from the anti-war days -- they're the middle class -- the haves are mad now -- amazing, isn't it and doing civil disobedience and violence and still no one moves, no one does anything.  You know, they did a study of college students now and most of them have no memory or idea of the anti-war movement or the draft or Vietnam or Kent State and they could care less about impeachment or whatever -- I don't know what they're into now, but hey, it wasn't that long ago, how can it change that fast?  It's like national amnesia.  I remember Teddy being prepared to leave the country 5 years ago because of Vietnam and now he's a traveling representative for Dunkin' Donuts in Ohio!  It all seems to bizarre.  What I really see is a lot of people including me and everyone else, reach a certain age and just slip over the line into place and stop!

Well, I better stop raving here -- what good does it do?  I haven't even asked you what's up -- I see by your letter that Leslie is not one of the up things and school doesn't sound like one either -- it's been over a month since I got your letter -- I'm sure w/ your usual speedy recovery you've gotten into 10 new things by now.  Hey, I did begin a journal again in January and I really like doing it again -- this time it's much more free-flowing, but I don't keep it up on a daily basis -- it's more or less erratic but I've noticed that when  my mind reaches a certain point, at a given time in the cycle of moods.  I pick just when I feel the need to express myself the strongest -- I don't know.  Do you do it on a scheduled basis or wait for a time when you feel you should do it?

I'm going to bed now -- this letter is not what I intended --- I wish I could write you a better letter now but I can't.  Take care and keep writing.

August 31, 1973 (Letter from Barb)

Hello, hello, I can't believe you're in Pittsburgh! I had a feeling you would never go there for some reason! You'll like it -- it's a little more aesthetically pleasing than Buffalo and it's not "big city" -- have you gone through Shadyside yet? Go to the Gazebo -- it's Pittsburgh's version of the Jewish deli and of course all the in people hang out there. It was good to hear from you -- everyone was interested to hear how you were doing. All of us have been "expressing ourselves", as they say, sometimes conflicting but usually getting along. This week is another heat wave and there's a traffic jam in the kitchen around the ice water. Rick and I did food shopping last week to stock up, so I don't get paid till next Friday and have zero money.  I'll have to borrow money to pay Doyle Monday.  Well, I didn't get the job at the Arlington House at McLean -- they wanted somebody "tougher" -- ? -- after the big rap they gave me about sensitivity.  And I didn't want the other one, so I took the job at Children's.  I've been here all this week and I really like it!  I even got some coloring books and crayons for the little kiddies -- now I have to get a little table for them to sit at -- that ought to keep them quiet!   Rick has been giving me a ride in the morning except for today when it took me over an hour to get here by MTA.  That's not including the bus I didn't wait for, but broke my vow and hitched from Kenmore Square to Longwood, then ran to Children's.  Almost had a cardiac attack when I slid in at 9:15.  I had left Humboldt at 8:00!  Had a hard time getting Harry back in this morning -- the squirrels are on the move and she was freaking out, barking and running from tree to tree.  I should have brought a BONE with me to tempt her back in.  She goes in and sleeps with Bob when I leave in the morning -- what a free and easy dog.  Disgusting.

Let me outline briefly the happenings in and around 15 Humboldt -- after you left Terry and I were alone for a week -- Bob and Steve were off jaunting around.  We started getting paranoid -- locked the bathroom window at night even!  Then I went down to the Vineyard for a couple days (stayed w/ Doreen and John -- they were there on vacation) and stopped on the Cape to see Kinky and Linda.  Rick had lent me his car -- shock!   I got home late last Thursday nite right into zoo city -- 15 Humboldt style -- very reminiscent of the house on the Vineyard 1971!  Steve was in his room balling some chick w/ the door open, Bob was stoned in his room w/ people running in and out and music up to 10 decibels above normal ear damage and Terry was sitting calmly in her room as usual.   I went into my room, dumped all my stuff, came out into the kitchen and Steve is very calmly getting a glass of chocolate milk naked.  I'm there, Hey Steve, would you mind putting something on?  He's there -- what, are you kidding me?  But Grandma Moses prevailed and he put on his shorts.  Within about 1/2 hour I felt shitting and Steve had to come in and sit with me cause I thought I was going to faint again -- so we were friends again anyway.  I was really tired from no sleep and all the driving.  Meanwhile, Steve and Bob have left and come back twice since then -- I don't' know how they do it.  Things have been pretty quiet since, but I do go to bed early now so I miss the late nite "activities".  My big thing this week has been getting something cooked and eating and cleaning up as an evening's activity, w/out falling over from the heat.  The noise level has been stupendous at night w/ Steve's stereo, Bob's (he bought a beautiful set), and Terry's radio (bought from Bob when he got his stereo!).  It's sort of like a liberated college dorm.  The amazing thing is that we can get along under the crowded conditions -- it could have been a different story w/ another set of people.  Oh, fun, fun.  I really fell quite at home there but would not consider it for a permanent residence.  I can't start looking for a possible apt. till I get a few paychecks of course.  I'm glad to hear you're settled.  Let me know how it works out.  Are the rest of the people there students?

Your rendition of the reunion was about what I would imagine, although you failed to mention your favorite couple and mine -- Mardi and Marti.  I imagine they were there.  Now that I'm away from it, I find it hard to really believe it really happened (and it still happening!).  Mardi really did get married, it's all "true" -- is it??  I'm glad I'm not there -- I don't want to be a witness to the settling in and the subsequent dissatisfaction.  I don't know why I'm talking about it so formally except I can't relate to it is why I guess.  Fuck it, it's just something I can't get a hold of!!  Well, I try not to worry or think about it, I've found lately that when I see people (friends) in a mess, or what I perceive to be a fucked up situation, I take it a little way and then I stop and it doesn't really concern me.  I don't know if I'm becoming more selfish or more realistic -- I don't know just thought I'd explain it to you -- maybe you know what I mean -- it's like witnessing but not really letting it get inside you. Ya know???

It's time to go home -- probably finish this tonite -- I think we're going to see "Harold and Maude" tonite -- but then w/ Rick you never know.

Continuing saga of the working girl -- Tuesday Sept 4.

Really meant to finish this this weekend but things got hectic.  Friday nite sat on the roof in a thunderstorm - just felt like it.  I mostly slept all evening -- I was dead.  Saturday Steve and I cleaned the bathroom -- couldn't stand it any more -- it took about 3 hours, pretty good since it has never been cleaned!  And finally I went to see Harold and Maude by myself but I enjoyed it immensely -- great music.  The question of the nite was -- Did they really do it??  Duh!

Sunday started the mad dash -- I went down to the Cape with Doreen and John to hear them play (Harry came too!) -- and we drove back to New Hampshire arriving at 4:00 in the morning.  (They keep this pace up every weekend -- I don't know how!)  Rick came up yesterday and we went swimming and ate and sat around and ate and smoked dope and ate -- got home about 1:30 last night. I don't know what I'm doing today -- everything is sort of passing me by -- maybe if I eat some of my granola I'll perk up.  It's another 90+ day -- when will this ever end?  I don't remember summer being like this here before.  Poor Harry -- stuck up on that 3rd floor all day in this heat!  I left the fan on for her and when I get home she'll get a BONE! and I'll throw her in the bathtub in cold water.

Well, I think I'll mail this!  I'm wishing you well on your new life in Pgh, Pa. -- hope your courses aren't too boring -- there much be something good -- let me know the developments.

Everyone says hi, Harry too!

October 8, 1971 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

I'm living in the slums again in my usual October unemployed state -- how is the ocean, sunshine and restaurant life??  Seems to be my forte -- working at the ocean -- the only time I'm ever content -- duh!  Nothing like living in fantasyland all the time.  Maybe Renee was right-- we do live in a dream world.

Anderson drove me back to Boston!  He and another guy came to Warren and stayed at Mardi's house and ate her ravioli -- she was happy, needless to say, about staying in Msp and work!  We started out for Boston one bright sunny day (last Thurs) and ended up spending the nite in Niagara Falls w/ two bombed guys on my hands -- trying to get them up to the room plus sneaking Harry in unobtrusively -- I'm there, duh, what in the hell am I doing in Niagara Falls?!

They stayed here for 2 days -- having a fantastic time w/ no refrigerator, no music, etc.  We were just putting the place together again and had no stereo or radio plus Anderson got stuck w/ getting a U-haul and going out to get our new refrigerator.  He is really nice sometimes, you know?

So here I am -- my head is completely turned around since I left here in July -- seems like 3 years not 3 months.  Since living on the Vineyard, I am so alienated from this kind of life and here I thought I had outgrown these sudden changes of heart (?)  I feel exactly as if I'm living in Warren ,Pa and can't get out!  Not that I mind living in Boston but just the day-to-day shit plus it is so ugly around her e-- I can't explain how I feel -- but yet there's no sense in moving around the goddamn county every 3 months forever -- they ought to lock me up somewhere!  Also am at a loss because it seems I have a job back at old Mass Mental but no salary because of the money freeze, state govt, etc.  Right now I am typing for a guy at Mass Men for $3/yr until this job is done, probably another week.  Hey, I do have a good job.  Enough of such shit -- I had a great 6 weeks of August/Sept -- BIG DEAL -- and now it's over ok -- what are you doing?  Duh!  Mardi and I were talking about this the other nite -- how I got to live at M. Vineyard and have fun in the sun and all that but now I have nothing and she stayed in one place and didn't get to go anywhere but she has everything she needs as far as security goes, etc. -- and we decided that no one is really getting anywhere!  As if there's somewhere to get to -- and there's Sue Smith in Warren thinking that we're so neat because we don't live there but of course we're not neat or cool or whatever -- and everyone sits around envying you because you're in California but they don't think about the hassles with money and a place to stay and no security and all that -- they don't understand that you're just living, wherever you are!  Place has little to do with it.  Although sunshine and peace can let you feel content no matter what your hassles are.  Are you having a quiet time nowadays?  If you're doing a lot of acid, etc. you're not exactly in the place I mean?  Remember my ex-old man from last year who came to Boston last October fresh from tripping his little heart out constantly in California full of love and peace, brother -- I saw him in September and he has lot all his sunshine ways I fear an dis now completely hard-core city -- screw your brother!  God, people are weird!  (Far-out, freaky, and not least of all -- groovy.)  You'll have to see what going back to Buffalo does to your head in January -- believe me, it'll be strange.  And of course, we'll see you at Christmas in Warren -- hey, something new.  Did you know that Don Corey got married last Saturday?!  Far out?  Thought I'd throw that in for old times sake -- so did Marti Graves and of course Tina and Mark -- Joan is going back to Clarion in January.  That's it for the news that makes the news.  Mardi and Bill -- that famed financial wonder -- both ran out of money at the same time -- him in Philly and her in Msp.  She had to send him his paycheck and I had to send her $10 to make it though the week -- amazing, truly amazing.  Here I sit with no car, no stereo, No TV, no car-stereo tapes, etc. sending money to Msp.  They have everything you could possibly want -- except xtra money.  Hey, we're all clean.

Switch to the local news -- you know that Doreen and John are getting married in December -- she's moving out next Friday into their new place in New Hampshire and I am freaking out -- I can't imagine living here and not living with Doreen.  Nancy lives here now -- I don't know if you've met her -- she's going to nursing school now and studies all week long - I am going to be really lonely this year!

Sat. nite.  Hi there-- I just got back from work -- I went to type a couple hours tonite -- every little bit counts!  I stopped by at the hospital to chat with Bill, the security guard.  This is his C.O. job and I swear he's the only person in the world who reads more than you do -- a book a night is his average since all security guards do is sit there all night.  His dream is to go to the Adirondacks and write a novel.  Why do I know such weird people -- not weird, just different?  Well Paul, what are you doing right now -- 11:00 p.m. -- Sat nite -- working -- right?  I hope we all can actually carry on a conversation when you come home.  Mrs. P said to be sure and say hello -- I think she worries about you!  Now why would anybody worry about you!  Duh!  I even worry!  Take care and write -- see you soon.

September 9, 1971 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

Howdy -- you fucker!  What in the hell are you doing????  Don't you know that living at the beach is all a fantasy -- life that's only good for a little while -- believe me I know and don't I know that's why I'm the dud I am now!  So hep me Nelson, if you do what I did I'll kill you!  I feel like it's my kid or something...really, "what are you going to do?" -- GIANT QUOTES around that question.  When I first heard you were in California I was home -- in Warren Pa 16365 -- I went home for a week -- my mother had an operation -- she has cancer and they had to remove her breast -- it was really heavy for them, so I had to go home for the week.  So I casually call up your house to see where you're living in Buffalo -- I'm there -- California??  Then Mardi tells me you're staying there.  Well, what can I say?  Paul -- how can you, of all people, quit school?  You are the original enjoyer of school --I've never known anyone to enjoy it and get more out of it than you do -- when I quit I knew it would be a wasted  year for me to go on, but for you I don't see it that way.  Anyway, maybe I'm worrying all for naught -- why don't you write and tell me -- I'll only be here on the island till Sunday, then back to Boston and home for a few weeks to help my mother out.  So write to me at home -- OK?

The summer here ended as suddenly as if someone shut it down for the season.   Labor Day was everyone's last day at work and boom -- everything closed and everyone went back to where they came from.  Now the roads are deserted and we are just wondering what to do with the days until we go.  It's like country time -- we have gone through changes in our house lately -- Woodstock II has arrived -- everyone wanting just a place to be and music to listen too -- our house is it.  I can't explain the latest hassles but I will when I see you.  Why in hell can't people get along -- even people that you like you can't get along with anymore.  People are such fucking assholes to each other -- our time here-- I mean on the island -- is so short -- why can't we be generous.  Shit.  Time anywhere is fucking short -- it always seems that it will last forever until all at once you're remembering it.  Mardi told me she was coming here and then I got a letter that she's not and guess why -- no $$$.  Now what the hell kind of fucking excuse is that but with Mardi and Bill it's true.  So I didn't answer to call -- so she called me last night and we talked about all this shit.  There were 10 million people here-- 5 million of whom no one in the house knew and I couldn't talk really freely on the phone -- it's so rare you get to talk freely now-a-days -- it used to be you did it very day of your life!  Everyone's grown up!  I'm also running out of paper -- what am I babbling about?  Hey, I got a letter from Joan today.  Her life is like a fucking soap opera -- she moved on on Freddy -- she said she got drunk and tried to kill him (?) -- but they're together now and all is well.  Did you get all that?  She is also going back to Clarion in January and the government is paying for it.  If that marriage makes it, it will be all Joan's doing -- I hope she can do it!  And Mardi and Bill are not making it together either -- God, the whole thing just sucks -- people are just determined to fuck everything up.  But Mardi's staying tho -- working and going to school at night again this year.  Where the hell does she have to go?  If I didn't go back to Boston where the hell would I go?  I was thinking today -- up on the top of the back field behind our house -- why can't we all be back where we were 2 or 3 years ago, only be what we are now -- just have our new selves there-- I had it all figured out anyway.  I went out in the field w/ Harry to get away from PEOPLE -- I swear I'm going to be a hermit in another year or so -- so I hope I see you before then so I can talk to you.

I saw Mike when he was home -- he's applying to the Peace Corps for next year -- duh!  And Tina and Mark are just about goners -- they're both hitched by now.  So what else is new -- no new lights in my horizon -- for once in 3 years -- everything seems planned out and all I have to do is follow it all through.  I'm going home for a while -- then back to Boston to old Calumet St. and the old job at Mass Mental.  And every fall I'm usually freaking out wondering what to do -- it all seems so dull this way -- maybe something will come up and fuck me up -- if I'm lucky.  You know my Boston address -- right?  It'll be me and Doreen and Nancy and -- get this -- Doreen and John are getting married -- that's too much in itself -- and planning to live with us in the same place when they do.  Shades of Apt 203, Lake Street!  Oh we are just so unconventional aren't we?  Now I am going to end all this -- just write soon.  Take care Paul -- I hate to say it, but I will (see you at Christmas) SHIT!

May 7, 1971 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

Hi there you freak -- how are you doing?  The whole scene here has changed completely since you were her e-- all of a sudden out of 3 weeks of rain, today popped up -- hot and sunny, as if its' been summer for at least 6 months.  Of course everybody had to rush outside and hang out in the sun -- it's so rare to have sun in Boss-town!  All other shit is about the same -- Pam has settled down somewhat -- the crisis are only about once a month.  We had a giant quarrel and eve since have been getting along pretty well -- if we didn't live together we'd get along super -- too bad about that.  Doreen is roving around the country side every weekend singing with the band.  I never see her on weekends but she usually leaves me her car for the weekend so I'm not grounded.  Things are really dead.  I know some day soon I'm just going to bolt, pack up my belongings, take Harry and stick out my thumb toward the Cape.  Wait and see -- the job things is the hassle -- I haven't spoken to "the man" about it yet -- I haven't any plans - -so what can I tell him?  Fuck.  How are your plans -- will it be Buffalo for the summer?  I imagine you're right in the middle of papers, finals, etc.  I had to do one paper for my class and it was such an effort -- I can't imagine being in school full-time now!  You know when you were sick in February?  Well, I had the same shit all this week -- my throat was hanging out -- I got a Dr's appointment and got some penicillin -- he thought it might be mono and I could see myself in bed all summer! -- but I don't think it is.  Such shit.  All I did this week was rest after work, and work on my paper.  I went out last nite to a party at Teddy's -- forgot what it's like to go out.  Got stoned and generally hung out.

Did I tell you I went home -- I guess I did, huh?  The week after you were here.  I really enjoyed being home for the weekend -- now how's that for culture shock?  I visited Mrs. P, went up to Rimrock and clonked around -- - it was nice, didn't mind it at all.  I tried to call Joan from home but couldn't locate her so I called her after I got back.  She had just gotten home from work (at a store) and sounded pretty good.  1st thing she asked me was if I saw her mother.  Now how could I see her mother -- they wouldn't let me in the house I'm sure.  Joan's heard from her father and from Carol but of course her mother is being a martyr -- I know that it really bothers Joan -- I wish her mother would give in a little -- what a jerk she is.

Well, I am the last one left in the office -- this 9-5 is for shit when it's nice out -- what's up for the weekend -- ever since I've been sick all I've wanted to do is rest -- get out of my rocker and go.

Me and Nancy went to the Vineyard one weekend just looking around and froze our asses off at nigh t-- things do not look encouraging for a job there -- but when do things ever look encouraging -- the thing is to go it and if it doesn't work out -- move on.  Right?  Duh.  I don't know.

I wonder how things are with the Minneapolis people -- haven't heard from Mardi in awhile -- if they go to the Bahamas or Florida with Mr. Sayles I'll kill Mardi!  Not that I want to go to Florida, but I just want to go somewhere.  If Anderson ever saves the money he should get a gold medal; and a slap on the back -- what a superhuman feat!  Everyone seems so far away -- all the people I want to see are halfway across the fucking country and here I am going to work every day -- doo-doo-doo.   As you may be able to tell, I am discouraged about the whole deal -- and any words of wisdom are appreciated.  I just feel that nothing will ever go right -- and if they do -- it will only be for a little while -- blah.  Forget all this schlopp and have a happy spring -- write soon and take care.