November 5, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

Whittier Elementary School, Great Falls, Montana

Photo taken September 1974

Dear. Mr. Corneliusson (as elongated older version of your last name I came across just recently).

As I write today, I am listening to the record I ordered the day we were in town.  (Debussy's Syrinx for flute solo).  It was his last work and I really like it best of all the others.  I might even go far enough to say it's my favorite classical piece.  The mood I have to be in to really enjoy it doesn't just open up every day, though.  It's such a thoughtful and restrained piece of music that to listen to it when I'm not feeling thoughtful and peaceful would be a type of sacrilege.  It  has a very mysterious quality and can be ethereal at times.  It would be like touching clouds to really explain it so I will stop   I hope you can hear it someday.  The first time I heard it was in January when Brook's sister invited us to an evening of chamber music that she had to give with other people in her class.  I was feeling bad that night and this music was perfect.

I thing (actually, I do speak English) think I told you the story of Pan that it was written to represent.  (He falls in love with a young mortal woman who is afraid of him and hides from him in the reeds.  He cannot find her and sighs deeply and his breath carries over all the reeds and makes the sound of syrinx.)  It's truly beautiful story.

Oh well, enough of this.  You're probably asleep by now.  (Of course, you could always skip the parts of a letter that bore you -- it's not like just walking away from someone that's talking to you, huh?)

I had intended to recommend a crock-pot to you in my last letter.  I got one as a shower gift from Tobin and she said that no "career person" should be without one.  It's really good, isn't it?  Suzy Homemaker has been experimenting a lot lately.  Brook hasn't died of ptomaine yet, so I guess I'm not all that bad.  Last night I made stew (in the crock-pot) and it was really good.  The meat was so tender it fell apart.  If you haven't made that yet, please do.  I made garlic bread and a fresh spinach salad (with Caesar dressing) to go with it.  I'm making myself soooo hungry.  ON Sunday (here I go again) we got the pumpkins we had planted in the summer and I made pumpkin pie.  I think I'm going to have to go on a diet before Thanksgiving (just to stay at my present situation) because we are going to Phila for the holiday and my mother has already called up and asked what we want.  Brook, of course, wants veal scallopini (for Thanksgiving!?) so that mean we'll have it the day after, and I know she'll have all kinds of goodies to tempt me.  I used to be much better at resisting these things.  My will power needs some kind of incentive, I think.  I will have to dress something good up.

Speaking of home, I'm sorry your sister is having a bad time.  But at least she has those nice plans about New England to think of and work for.  I think everybody wants to live in N.E. or California.  I wouldn't want to live in Calif, but I'd really like N.E. -- I like the climate very much.

My news from home is that my brother Tommy (age 15) is "going steady" with a girl who is going to be 20.  My parents are certainly not thrilled to death about it, but they are wisely (for once)( not interfering and not badgering him.  The problem seems to be that Vera "wants to get married". (This seems a little ludicrous to me since he's only 15!  I mean, why would she pick him?)  It's strange.  She's very nice but she's a non-entity.  Her opinions are never even voiced, let alone considered by Tommy.  He's so independent and he kind of lets her tag along, but he does like her a lot.  He's just really immature and doesn't know how to treat her, or anything.  In a way, this will be very good for him.  It's her I'm worried about.  I can't imagine what she's getting out of this relationship, you know?

One thing that bothers me about her is that she graduated from high school 2 years ago and has never gotten a job.  She just stays home all day.  She has 7 brothers and sisters and I guess she helps her mother, but her father died quite awhile ago and I just thought some money would come in hand there.  It's none of my business, of course, but I just can't understand how someone can just do nothing for 2 years!  Myeer!  I would go crazy, I think.

I have to go now cause I have to go to work.  ON Tues and Thurs I start 1 1:00 and work til 10:00.  I was just really getting into this letter, too.  Oh well---

(11/7/74)  -- well, here I am again with lots of energy.  Actually, it is 6:30 am (the middle of the night for me) and I just have washed my hair and I am sitting here deciding whether to set it or not. Brook is already at work.  He had some big top secret engineering to get done today.  It had to be done before everybody was at work, so...and once I wake up fully it's almost impossible for me to go back to sleep.

So, you're stuck with a letter from a tired but awake person.  I'm sorry, but I have a feeling that this letter isn't inspired.  Do you hate this trivia? or what?!

Your phone sounds quite appropriate.  What does you apartment look like?  Colors, age, etc.  (please answer this!)

Guess what?  The other day I went shopping in Wilkinsburg and I passed by the pipe shop and decided to go in and ask for a few cigar boxes (I'm making wooden Xmas tree decorations and they're 3-dimensional so I need a place to store them so they don't break) and lo and behold! the man behind the counter was none other than Harvey Walker.  No sooner did he see me than he started telling everyone (at least 10 people!) that I was his ex-wife and I still went up to visit him on Thursday nights when his present wife worked  etc. etc. -- same old Harvey!  Anyway, it was really nice to see him, despite the fact that 10 people now think we are both crazy, immoral, or both.  I haven't gotten up enough courage to go in and see him again, yet.  I think I will wait for an off-time at the store.

Do you know I haven't seen Kolish yet either? or even spoken to her.  Kate certainly is elusive.  I've called several times and no luck.  I hope she's alright.  I think I'll try again today.  I have to go to Oakland on Nov. 18 so maybe I can see her then!

I am quite excited about tomorrow.  One of the library aides that I've gotten friendly with is taking an indep study in pottery and she's going to let me use her wheel tomorrow!  I haven't done it in such a long time so I've a little apprehensive, but I can't wait!  There's something really neat about playing with clay and mud.  I guess I feel that way because I am an earth sign.  Does your sister like to play with earth?

Right now, as I look around myself, at this mess, I am quite discouraged.  This house is at least 08 years old and I don't believe anything has been done to it for at least 20 years (maybe not even cleaned!).  There is plaster everywhere and the curtains that are on most of the windows are nothing short of hideous.  We can't fix anything until Brook finishes his cabinet which is being built into the wall, so- it will take at least until Christmas to do that.  (shudder)  I don't even feel like cleaning cause it doesn't help one bit!  I have so many ideas and it is frustrating to not get to do any of them. Oh well...

By all means, do send some samples of your journals.  I would especially like to see some representative things about your time at GSLIS -- I mean at different times there, if your opinions changed or altered much.  Actually anything you send would be fine.  Do you like going through all that and editing?  It would be very tedious for me since I am very impatient.   Kierkegaard never went over any of his writings.  They just poured out like a waterfall.  He wrote 20 volumes of journals (each quite large also) and his philosophic works are so voluminous as to really amaze the person who realizes that he died in his very early forties.  (Paul says -- oh no -- do I have to listen to her talk about this goofball again?!)  I'll stop; I promise.

What's prison chow like?

As for travel, I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I used to think it was very exciting but I'm not so sure now.  It seems that I believe in the solidarity of mankind and that most men are awfully basically alike. Maybe it's only because I haven't been to any other really different places like the Orient.  I would love to visit China before the art is totally negated by that state.  From what I've read they are trying to do away with all of the past -- even Confucius.  I think this is a crime -- to take people out of their identity and mold them all together.  I feel that all men placed in the same situation who have the same milieu react very similarly, i.e., I don't believe in "bad" men and "good" men but that, inherently  man becomes what he does.  Like all those people in prison were sort of "channeled" into the lives they led.  And most will probably be channeled into it again when they leave.  I don't know how travel brought this stuff up.  Please excuse this disjointed rambling!

Are you going to go home for Xmas?

October 22, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

I've always really liked train whistles.  There's something very sad about them, though.  Today, on the way home from work (I have an hr and 15 minute bus ride) I got this overwhelming impulse to go to the ocean.  This is the first year of my life (except for my 1st possibly) that I have not gone to see my ocean.  I feel disloyal -- honest, it's a terrible feeling.  My favorite time to be there is about 8 o'clock (pm), all alone, when all the people are getting ready to go on the boardwalk.  It's the most peaceful time, especially if you can climb out over the rock and just sit.  I like Cape May best (have you ever been?) 'cause it's really unspoiled.  Sunrise is pretty nice, too, except the only time I've ever been was after I had stayed up all night and I was probably too exhausted those times to quietly appreciate.  (Aren't you thrilled to be hearing all this?)

*I thought you might appreciate this -- please notice the similarity between my present address and that of my parents.

You sound quite happy about work and that makes me happy.  I'm sure the people you help are really glad to have you.  I'm sure you're learning even more than they are.  When I was at Villanova, I took a course called "Black Urban Experience" (which was a sociology major's practicum but I convinced the dept head that a phil major should have this type of course, also.)  Most of the other soc courses seemed pretty worthless.  I was really glad I got this course (did I tell you about it?) We were really to design our own project and everyone did something different.  Most of the kids were afraid to go into Phila and do something so they picked a "ghetto" area around V.U. which is really a laugh since the rent average around that area is about 200/300 a month and hardly any of the blacks in Ardmore were exactly poor.

But I had been going up to Temple a lot (most of my friends were in Theater there) and had helped with the production of The Cage which was put on by this Barbed Wire Society -- a group of ex-cons who live together in a sort of commune, only not so utopian as many are.  So I decided to apply with them for a semester.  It was one of the best things I ever did -- although I must admit I was scared at first.  In fact, there 2 guys later told me they were apprehensive about me at first, too, because they didn't trust me.   (They didn't trust me?)  Anyway, I can understand you excitement about what you're doing and I know you'll be very successful because of the type of person that you are.

You told me to remind you of apples this time, so APPLES.

I always said you led a charmed life.  I recognized it almost immediately.  It wasn't in any specific instance, but there was something there.  I don't mean to harp (honest) but in a way, fate does tie in here.  I do not feel that I am fated to be a famous person per se, or very successful in a conventional way.  Rather, I seem drawn to certain people I know will be.  (You being one whom I feel has a certain thing to do.)  One of my friends told me (one who I feel will be very "famous") (I don't mean this in any sensational way) that she felt that she had to know me and that her whole future might depend on that.  When she said this I was just appalled.  I was even a bit afraid of her for awhile.  I certainly am no "guiding light" and I told her so but she still persists in this belief and usually before she does anything of even slight importance she consults me.  Of course, my "advice" is not always heeded and sometimes I hesitate or refuse to give any.  (Once I gave it unasked when I thought she was in particular danger and she was not at all pleased, for which she was really right, so I never did that again.)

Anywhoooo -- I've forgotten what the point of this entire things was in the first place now.  I certainly have a keen mind!   I was going to ask something about your statement about your erratic and non-committal character, but it's gone now, oh well...I'll probably think of it just as I'm mailing this.

I don't suppose I will ever get to read your journals unless they are published huh?  (Not that I'd expect to; I don't think I'd let anyone read mine.)  I don't suppose they will ever be published within my lifetime (this one, anyway) either, since they will probably go into print after y our are gone and with your healthy notions you'll definitely outlive me -- at least by 30 years, I'd guess.  I think I'll die by the time I'm 55.  (Of course, I won't mind if I live longer.)  Then I guess during my next lifetime I will come across them in a bookstore (providing I like to read in my next lifetime) and I will instantly be drawn to them.  After all, I do feel that I've known you before and probably for a fairly long time. Why else would things happen the way they do?  Why do we meet some people who are very much like us and whom we really don't like and don't feel drawn to?  (Sorry about the dangling participle, I'm always doing that.)  And then others who may be very different from us seem like old friends in a little short while?

Anyway, I'll be that man you met on the way to Minneapolis who was your father from another life or something like that.  I love to think about stuff like that.

Diane got that job in Phila.  I knew she would.  She will like it very much, I'm sure.  Also, she's only a 30 minute ride form Bev in Delaware.  And now when I come home for visits I can see them at least.  I don't think Pittsburgh can ever be my home.  I'm probably being very unfair, but it's just a big Altoona to me, y'know?  I feel kind of isolated in this place.  The neighbors are mostly older, but not old enough for me to go visit (more nearly my parent's age than my grandparents' age.) This sounds weird, I know, but I just feel this way.  I miss having friends my age to clown around with and I can't let myself become wholly dependent on Brook (although that would be really easy) because it just isn't good.

You might have guessed from my tone (bongggg) that I'm slightly lonely.  Actually, I shouldn't have time to be lonely.  When I'm not working or climbing my 1 1/2 mile hill to get to work from the bus, I'm sanding shelves (with that little sander we bought at Sears that day) or painting, or...ad nauseum.  So -- don't listen to me.  I'm a complainer from way back -- as I'm sure you've already surmised.

I must say first that I feel very sorry for Leslie.  I've never met her, but I know about her that she has good taste and that she has intuition and great love.  I suppose a final ending is best and in the long run hurts less than a long drawn out one.  I do hope she is alright as she seems so in love with you.

I think I have mentally written this part of the letter at least twelve times (mostly on the bus), and the versions have ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous.  Each one has also been mentally ripped up and thrown into the mental circular file.  My basic feeling is likely to be vague and I hope you will be patient with me.  I simply cannot write about this to any great extent.  The things I would like to say to you are things which should be said; they are things which go better with a smile and a hug rather than things which go with ink and paper.  Please understand.  I know you will.

Do you think we can postpone any further discussions of this until we can do it in person?  (I feel certain that we will be able to in the near future.)

I admire and respect your honesty (for telling me) and your self-discipline (for not telling me all the times you probably wanted to.)

Please know how fortunate I feel to be your friend.  Our friendship certainly has enduring qualities -- tempered strength.  I trust you, which is something that usually takes me longer to do than a few months. You must know that you have a very special place in my heart.

February 17, 1974 (Letter from Barb)

As I begin my correspondence after a lengthy pause (roughly 2 months) you are the first one I'm going to write to.  Lucky boy.  I almost feel like skipping all the external events, they could sound like such a down and their relation to reality is not that close anyway.  Now I know why Joan never writes letters -- no news is better than the news you have to give sometimes!  Well, here goes --

#1 -- I'm moving again.  A big black cloud has come to rain on my parade by the name of LANDLORD -- I know I've managed to talk into every bad situation in the book since I've been back here but this one was really and truly unforeseeable.  After a health dept inspection occurred because of my kitchen wall continuing to crumble away, this strange sick man of a landlord let loose a barrage of harassment -- shutting off my electricity, chasing away the repair man, threatening me and telling me to get out (troublemaker, communist, etc.)  This all happened almost a month ago -- I had housing out on it and he turned on the electricity (finally) but his intent was clear -- to get me out by the end of the month.  Due to his violent nature and my own vulnerability in staying here alone and having Harry here all day I was forced to look for another place.  I can't even explain the hassles, lawyers, tenants organizations, Rick, and the other things he's done like letting his German shepherds at Harry, turning off my hot water, etc.  The kind of situation you've got to feel can't be real, but it is.  How does one know that renting a decent place w/ a good lease doesn't insure anything?  I had no way of knowing this character was a nut and a lease is just a piece of paper to him -- I'm really not that bummed out about him, I just don't believe it!  So -- next weekend I'm going to move in w/ Terry and Kathy for the time being.  I have reached the stage of not being disappointed or elated by outside events.  There's been no progress in that area for 6 months, although I have made some inner progress, it's not reflected in anything around me.  Everything has kept an unstable and transient nature and I don't expect a change.  At work we've just moved to a new building -- from a very quiet, patient-oriented and small older place to a new, big clinic where people pay the status game and rigid attitudes abound.  I am now working out of a cramped, ridiculous room 2/ fluorescent lighting, the whole trip.  There is a certain amount of conflict between us and our own attitudes and what we found when we got there.  They even object to our toys and things for the kids -- they don't feel it's dignified to have to step over a kid playing with a toy -- interferes with business-as-usual -- to us, business as usual is children, to them it is something different. With the attitudes I've been encountering everywhere here I really go into a despair sometimes.  It's like starting the world all over again every day.  As this past week was our final week after the move and I was frustrated at every turn, I allowed myself the luxury of getting high every high but one!  I have really not turned to grass in a long time but there are times when I feel I need out of my daily circle of thoughts and worries and the constant tyranny of the ego.  For months I have been living an isolated life of my solitude and my habits and now I feel like getting stoned with people.  Friday nite I went out with a friend from work and her roommate -- got very stoned and went to see 2 Charlie Chaplin movies and enjoyed myself immensely.  Tomorrow I have off and Terry and Kathy and I are going up to New Hampshire to see Doreen.  I'm even renting a car!  It has taken a very little while to dawn on me that there is no permanence here for me -- everything I've come back here to find has dissolved, but I had to know it for sure -- I must know the truth of things.  I have no plans now -- I can only wait for the voice to speak again and hope I have the courage (again) to follow it.  Seems that every few years life alters itself completely and there's a time of just nothing and waiting until it shows a completely new face.  5 years ago at this time the same thing was happening and although that sounds like a long time, it seems to me just a moment -- then the change came not only as a change in place but a complete change in goals, attitudes, a whole new ball game.  (no pun intended, he, he)  I feel like that whole time of being young and just living to learn is over -- I've been learning for 25 years and there's something else to live for now but I don't know what it is!  It's not more formal education and it's not a career (per se) and it's not marriage yet -- I just have no concrete picture to present.  I'm very attuned to what's in the wind and when I see it, well, I'll do it.  I feel very out of touch with most of the old people -- I just don't know where they are -- all I know is they're not where I am. You and my brother, Tim, are 2 people I can perceive as being close to where I am; Mardi is worlds away and it's something I'm sorry to see.  I'm not judging anybody or myself -- I'm just noting how it is.  I don't even blame Mardi or anyone anymore for their decisions -- I just accept it.  What can I say further?  I have no positive view of people one way or the other.  Look around and tell me if anyone has even begun on any sort of understanding, knowledgeable life -- a few have and there but then there's the fucking government and do you believe, does it seem at all reasonable that it keeps on day after day?  Today this guy tried to crash his helicopter into the White House and they put him in the psychiatric ward!  My God, they've got the wrong guy!  It is all so insane... I don't even think we have a congress at this point.  The people here are very angry and radicalized but these aren't the ones from the anti-war days -- they're the middle class -- the haves are mad now -- amazing, isn't it and doing civil disobedience and violence and still no one moves, no one does anything.  You know, they did a study of college students now and most of them have no memory or idea of the anti-war movement or the draft or Vietnam or Kent State and they could care less about impeachment or whatever -- I don't know what they're into now, but hey, it wasn't that long ago, how can it change that fast?  It's like national amnesia.  I remember Teddy being prepared to leave the country 5 years ago because of Vietnam and now he's a traveling representative for Dunkin' Donuts in Ohio!  It all seems to bizarre.  What I really see is a lot of people including me and everyone else, reach a certain age and just slip over the line into place and stop!

Well, I better stop raving here -- what good does it do?  I haven't even asked you what's up -- I see by your letter that Leslie is not one of the up things and school doesn't sound like one either -- it's been over a month since I got your letter -- I'm sure w/ your usual speedy recovery you've gotten into 10 new things by now.  Hey, I did begin a journal again in January and I really like doing it again -- this time it's much more free-flowing, but I don't keep it up on a daily basis -- it's more or less erratic but I've noticed that when  my mind reaches a certain point, at a given time in the cycle of moods.  I pick just when I feel the need to express myself the strongest -- I don't know.  Do you do it on a scheduled basis or wait for a time when you feel you should do it?

I'm going to bed now -- this letter is not what I intended --- I wish I could write you a better letter now but I can't.  Take care and keep writing.