July 3, 1976 (Letter from Barb N)

Hello.

I just got your letter today.  I was wondering when I would hear from you, but I knew I would get a letter eventually.  Before I go into a lengthy account of my feelings concerning your letter, I will tell you of the general happenings here in Naples.

We took the Admiral's barge out last Thursday and spent the day at Capri.  I was invited along with the DP's and a few others who went along.  The boat we went on was "plush" since it's supposed to be used only for transporting admirals back and forth.  Our Admiral lets each command use the boat for a day in the summer.  It was so beautiful weather-wise and the Mediterranean was a aqua marine around the coast.  We ate lunch overlooking the swimmers with a vibe that puts you in a fairy tale existence.

After lunch we decided to swim back to the barge.  I was feeling risky so I took off my dress and swam back topless.  We proceeded to a cave and started to go snorkeling when the next thing I knew everybody was skinny-dipping.  I would have preferred to swim with my bathing suit on to save more talk but I indulged and went topless.  Word got out after our trip that everyone was skinny dipping.  If the Admiral hears of t his he is going to flip his bars.  I don't mind the naked body but I feel that discrimination should be used for many reasons.  I will learn a lesson.

I must say I have had many problems lately and my attitude has turned sour.  There is so much happening to me that really hurts deep inside of me.  I don't know why I was supposed to come to Naples but at this moment I feel it is a curse.  A lot of my feelings will remain inside of my now. This I will resolve on my own.  I feel I am racing to a peak and it will soon explode.  I am trying to save all my energy for this day.

I have been warned that someone is out to bust me.  I haven't smoked in a good while and have no intention over here.  In fact I quit drinking which I probably told you.  Started for 10 days and quit.  I have too many reasons not to drink over here.  It's a scary feeling  when I know there's a person out there who wants to harm me and tear my life apart.  All the times I have felt for people and never wanting to harm anyone.  I know from past experience I have a tendency to impress strangers that I don't like them.  It's the way I am and I won't change.  I am locking my car door all the time.  I don't know if they are going to plant it in my car or what, but I got the impression they want to bust me that bad.  I might seek legal advice but I'm not really sure what to do.  That person may or may not be serious.  I don't really know.  But it's a terrible feeling and it makes me want to understand the hate they have inside.  What kind of person are they anyways?

So as you can surmise my senses have been slapped, punched, played with, and stepped on.  I feel the pain of everyday existence and it's such an awakening nightmare for me.  I have intentions of taking leave soon. I find that if I leave this environment just for awhile it will help to live through the period in Naples.  Naples has an appropriate motto.  "See Naples and die."  Heaven forbid.

I'm sure your independent life is just what you need but I prefer to take the apron any day.  It's not as easy as all that though.  To find a compatible mate is my hardest feat in life.  Sometimes I dwell upon him wishing he were here.  I can not deny that I need him. When you don't have anyone to love leaves life very empty.  My friends can not and will not compensate for him. I could be a great mother and wife but I won't advertise.  He may never come to me but I don't think so.  It just gets lonely at times.  Right now he would do me good.  Again, this is the feel I am and I won't change.  (At least for the moment.)

I have been writing to Gordon who is in Bermuda.  I am going to take leave and visit him there.  I will probably come back to the states also.  I will decide at the end of the month.  I plan to visit Sweden in the spring.

Larry sent me a belated birthday package which included tea, shampoo, sun lotion, sunflower seeds, etc.  I needed it, too!

Moses came in tonight and gave me two red carnations.  He has a crush on me but Moses falls in and out of love each day.  He's a nice person, though.

I was showing a guy my car a few minutes ago and he asked me where the fist dent came from. So I can't be certain but someone might have put a fist to the hood of my car tonight.  Have you ever had a feeling of bad to come that you couldn't erase inside.

I don't want to sound ridiculous but maybe you can help me in some way, even to say don't worry. I am all right and I'm not scared of what awaits me.  I'm just fed up with the Navy and I'm going nuts waiting to get out of this outfit.  I mean, Paul, I've had it up to the bum with the Navy's shit.  It stinks too bad.  I'm a little unsure of myself at this moment.  I'm caught in a cyclone now.)

Enough of my foolish worries.

Paul, you got into a heavy topic which most people like to avoid because they don't want to face up to the realities of the world now!  I agree that we can not turn back and we are on a direct course for self-destruction.  I was talking with Lt. Pond who just finished reading The Ascent of Man which was on Times best seller list for the past six months.  I have not read this book but Mr. Pond told me that is goes up through time to where man is and where he went wrong.  Supposedly the book gives you a choice of where we can go.  I say wishful dreaming.  Man, just as long as one man is greedy, this world will never be "heaven on earth".  I don't know the purpose of life and the significance of death.  My beliefs stay with man on earth not upon outer space, the core, the sun etc.  Man is a very unneeding creature who has built his life to an apex where he cannot survive on basics.  He has forgotten all his knowledge of the beginning.

Man and nature should be one in the sense they are able to help each other.  More so nature helps man because nature feeds, clothes, and shelters man.  I don't want to be unrealistic and put man back into a "caveman" style of life because we have progressed way beyond that point.  But man cannot abuse nature as he has been and expect nature to survive.  We have finally aroused nature with all our polluting, stripping, unnatural building that weigh the earth, etc.  It's like a cancer that slowly grows.  She will be getting the chills first and then comes the aches and pains.  Or course, most of mankind doesn't realize that we will fell her "disease" (dis-ease) just as great.

You could give me all the scientific explanations in the world but it won't change my mind about all the catastrophes that are going on now.  I believe it will happen in our lifetime since we are at the end of the plateau.  Man has no room to move.  We cannot explore because all the land is "private" property owned by a named country.  After that I believe of what my future.  I still hope to have a family and enjoy my life.  I want to be near the people I love here.  I feel that I'm so lucky because I have three beautiful brothers and two outstanding dedicated parents.  I love mom and dad not for what they stand for but for who they are and how I see and know them.  I can't compare my family to other because you are like the hills.  It's embedded in my mind.

Paul if you ever get a chance buy an album by Dan Fogelburg because you won't regret it at all. Sit down and listen to the words.

I'm trying to remember a song of his by heart and I'll close with it.

Part of the Plan

I have these moments
All steady and strong
Feeling so holy and humble
Next thing I know I'll all
worried and weak
I feel myself starting to crumble
The meanings get lost
The teachings get tossed
And you don't know what your
going to do next
You wait for the sun but it
never quite comes
And some kind of messages
come through to you
And it says

Chorus
Love when you can
Cry when you have to
Be who you must it's
A part of the plan
Await your arrival
With simple survival
And one day we'll understand
Someday we'll understand

I had a woman who gave me
her soul
But I wasn't ready to take it
Her heart was so fragile and
heavy to hold
And I was afraid I might break it
Your conscience awakes
And you see your mistakes
You wish someone would buy your confession
The days miss their marks
The nights get so dark
And some kind of message
comes through to you
Some kind of message shoots through

Chorus

There is no Eden or heavenly gates
That you're going to make it through one day
But all of the answer will be found
In dreams that you dream on the way.