October 2, 1977 (Letter from Barb N)

Hello.  How are you?

Mom wrote me and said that in January you were going to have a roommate.  Sounds like it is a good idea to help you live a bit easier.   Do you plan to move into a bigger apartment or stay at the same location?  I'm wondering if you still think it's a good idea to visit with you in January.  Will this move cause a lot of rearranging, etc. and would I be in the way.  I am looking forward to visiting you.  So if you can put up with me, I certainly am very flexible; especially after adjusting to work over these past two years.

I had two wisdom teeth pulled out last Wednesday.  By the morning of the 30th my mouth was the size of a golf ball.  It wouldn't' have been too bad if I didn't have to work two mid watches.  I have a hard enough time staying awake all night without trying to recover from oral surgery.  Tomorrow I go back to the dentist to get my stitches out.

I've been dreaming quite feverently for the past month.  I try to write my dreams on paper but a lot of time I wait until a later period and then I never remember details.  I have been experiencing a flow of emotions now that my security is slowing tearing away.  I don't want to make any added changes in my life as of yet.  I have been looking at my dreams and what they mean and at incidents with people in my life and I am trying to look at myself in the light.  For the moment I feel that I should stay alert.  I read a very good book recently on reaching people.  I want to reread the book because I feel I need to retain more thoughts from this book.

I have a lot of thoughts going through my head now.  I am trying to stay neutral to any activity these last few weeks.  Once I leave here and travel through Europe I am going to piece together these thoughts.  Maybe I can even envision a path for my life.  But I won't force it.

I bought a Marantz receive amp, 2250B for $300.00  I decided to get music for myself.  I want Dale to make me a pair of speakers.  I might buy myself a turntable over here before I leave but that depends on my finances.

I sold my car for $700.00  It only took me from the time I put the sign on the bulletin board until the time I turned around.  I was real pleased to get a buyer that quick.  He told me the day before yesterday that the loan came through and he had an appointment set up to transfer ownership.

Now all I have to do is finish sewing my sleeping bag.  I am 95% down with this project.  I will be on my three days off starting tonight so I will finish this project before I go back to work on Thursday.  It has turned out to my approval.

I'm reading an interesting book by Kathryn Watterson Urkhart called "Women in Prison".  It is a very good book depicting the lifestyle of women inmates.  Prison reminds me of boot camp.

Not much else to say.

Hope life is pleasant for you.

July 30, 1977 (Letter from Barb N.)

Hello.  So how goes it back in New England?  Are you enjoying your summer?

Leroy and I broke up for good.  He told me that because I hurt him so bad when I kicked him out of the apartment that he would never go back to me.  He built up a wall that is not going to come down for a long time.  I didn't think that he would react that way to the break up.  I took our split up as a temporary lapse in our relationship but obviously he took it as an insult.  He could not even listen to the way I saw our relationship and he did not even consider to rectify our love in any way. I was very hurt for the first week.  It was a very deep wound that left me very desolate inside.  I had to think over our entire relationship and all the people involved indirectly.  This included talks with friends and with Leroy's mother.  I had come to an understanding of why it ended as it did.  After accepting the fate of our love affair I have decided that it is for the best.  Leroy and I were doomed from the beginning.  We would have destroyed each other eventually.  He was good for me for the few months that we had lived together.  I needed to experience a deeper relationship which I had avoided for 22 years of my life.  Now I am able to make a fresh start in my life in a better direction. I feel free inside again.  I was getting to the point in our relationship where I felt that I was leaning too heavy on Leroy.  I don't want to doubt myself in a relationship with a man.  Lesson learned, chapter 1.

After I knew that it was over I needed a change in my life so I cut my hair short.  I dont' feel that I was doing it for any other reason than I wanted it short.  I don't particularly like the haircut.  It is a bit shaggy, but I will wait until ti stats growing out and find a style that I like that will be easy to take care of.  My hair is as short as it was in 72.  I like it very much even it if is a bit short now.

I went on a shopping spree today and I spent $65.00 on clothes.  Now that I am single again and I have only me to support, I have a big more money in my pocket.  I also got a raise for going over four years in the service.  (I took my first oath for the Navy in July of 73,)  I want to get Christmas presents.  Do you have any idea of what you want?  I am going to buy Dad a painting and Lar a tea set.  I do not know what I will buy Mom, Dale, and you.  So if you have any suggestions please offer them.  I will give you my guitar.  It is not a good guitar but it will be adequate for starting you off.

I am looking for a new guitar.  I am not sure what to buy.  So I am going to get the advice of an expert.  I plan to take some guitar lessons form someone who will teach me what I want to know.  I don't want to get stuck with some old fogey who goes strictly by a lesson plan.  I am also going to buy a halfway decent receiver amp since prices are really cheap over here for members in the service.  I don't want to buy the largest model and have so much power I could blast the neighbors. I am going to see if Dale will make some speakers and later I'll find a turntable later on in the States.

I sent away to a company that deals in kits for down goose feather jackets, sleeping bags, etc.  I ordered a down jacket for $28.00 and a sleeping bag for $45.00.  The bag is not down feathers.  I will have to sew the jacket and the bag together but I feel that is worth the trouble for the price.  I put your name down for a catalog so you should be getting the catalog in the mail shortly.  Doobie made a jacket which is the same one I ordered and I feel it would be ideal for backpacking this winter.  It should keep me very warm.

I have been going to Carney Park pool every chance I can get.  I have been swimming widths of the pool and today I was up to 18 widths nonstop.  I plan to go every chance that I get throughout all of August.  I need to get into shape before I put a backpack on for 30 days.  I am doing yoga sporadically but I attribute my lack of success to the watch hours I stand.  I want to get into a routine when I get back to the States.  I also have cut down on my alcohol consumption 95% and the same with smoking.  I am trying to abstain from any dope until I get back to the States.  I want to clean myself out for a four month period then when I get back to the States I will most likely take a few hits or so.

That's all that has been going on in my life at the moment.  I am fine, trying to stay cool, and looking to the calendar date of 25 October.

I am going to get a European discharge from the Navy instead of going back to Philly and getting discharged there. So I won't be going on leave until the 25th of October.  But once I leave here in Naples I will never have to go back to a military station for duty.  What a relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you at Christmas.

July 19, 1977 (Letter from Barb N)

I don't really know who to write to now.  I have to write to someone about the way I feel now.

It concerns Leroy and I.  After living together for four months, I decided in order to solve problems for our future it would be best for him to move out now.  I really feel the hurt now.  He is moving out of the apartment today and I know we both don't want to be separated.

But now I feel a release inside.  It's not that I'm losing him because I feel there is no need to doubt our love.  I feel that we both need to be separated in order to evaluate our relationship.

At times I felt that Leroy has a lack of inner strength.  His will is too free.  He is a strong partier, too, too strong for my needs.  Even tho he is almost 3 years younger he is more mature.  He left home at 14 and lived by his own means.  So in some respects he has a good hold on his life and in others he still needs time to find his path in life.  I told him that I want him to come to a choice on his own accord.  If he is happy with his free life style then by all means he should live it free.  I hope our separation will mean a lot to him and it will help him to come to a conclusion about his present life style.

I very much want to be with him.  He really has a lot to offer.  He can help me overcome my shyness in my personality and I can help to motivate him in a positive direction, but not yet.  My senses feel very alert today and it is only the first day of our separation.  Maybe this period will help me also.

I guess I am playing a game of risk, but it is the results of the game I am after.  If I can get these problems resolved now then hopefully we will be able to live a happy life together.  I hope so.

Other than that I don't have much to say.  I am looking towards the calendar for the pages to turn to October 15.  I heard from Larry & he is almost set to come to Europe.

Mom & Dad should be at the lake.  I wish I was there, too.  Maybe next year.

I am doing fine knowing I"ll be back in good company soon.

January 13, 1977 (Letter from Barb N)

Hello.  How are you?  I'm fine.  Not exactly feeling comfort inside but I am pleased with my progress since I have been back to Naples.

My flight back wasn't too bad but I found it uncomfortable sitting up and trying to sleep.  None the less I managed to get some sleep. Nobody mete me at the airport but I guess it was expected.  I never wrote to tell them that I was coming back the same flight as I had originally planned.

I went out & partied the first few nights that I got back but I found myself to be sliding back into the same rut as when I left.  Darrell was the one who make me think that I better change now before I find it too hard.  He only played his game on me too soon.

I set up my bedroom so I will be able to get at my sewing, knitting, cloths, etc easier and leave the room in order.  I bought a card table and I have my sewing machine all set to be used.  I also plan to have my macrame work handy.  So now is the time to be creative.

I am doing yoga 2-3 times a day.  I do the three exercises you showed me in the morning.  After work I do leg stretching and in the evening back stretching.  My middle back hurts and I found it difficult to sit in one position and type for more than five minutes.  Tonight I will soak in the bathtub.

I'm making my dinner which consists of carrots, onions, green peppers, rice, spinach, and tomatoes sauteed in olive oil.  After my dinner or during I have a glass of wine to aid in digestion.

I'm glad to be back but I'm not all that happy.  I'm going to find a new direction.  I hope to meet some different people who offer a little more in life.  I'm not counting on it tho.  I will just let it be.
I might go skiing this weekend with some girls at work.  I have to do errands so I'm not sure if I'll go.  I think we'd have a lot of fun tho.  I'll see how it goes tomorrow.

It was great being home with the family at Xmas.  It really warmed my spirits.  Now I know in my mind that my life is lacking a part to make me more at peace but I can't say what it is.  I will just have to keep my feet on the ground trying to keep a direction that is my own path.  I'm set to leave to start out to better roads but the time is not right for now.  (But we both feel the same I'm sure.)

Take care brother Paul.

I hope to see you soon.

I didn't go skiing this weekend.  I didn't make it up in time to go.  But I had a good day with somewhat.  Richard came over (he is a guy I've know by face but not personally) to look for hash with me.  First off he hit a car almost the same time that I just missed clamming into his car.  A few seconds later I was trying to get around a double parked car & I hit it.  Fortunately, I did not do any damage but the driver wanted my name etc.  While we were exchanging autographs I caused a traffic jam.  By this time my friend finally came back to see what I was doing.  His car wouldn't start so we had to tell his roommate.  After leaving his house I was turning my car around when my car fell into a ditch.  (Only my front right wheel.)  This was no ordinary ditch.  It was about 20 inches deep.  Our day was pretty much that way but I had a good day.  I managed to buy my hash.  The first smoke I've botten since I've been over here.  In fact I'm going to smoke a bowl now.

I had a good time with Rich yesterday.  So I hope that I will meet some of his friends.  We had some homemade vino that his landlord gave to him.

I might go to Munchen to see Pink Floyd in concert next month.  It should be interesting.

That's all from me.

November 8, 1976 (Letter from Barb N)

Hello.

I want to write to you right away and ask you a favor.  I want to fly into Boston from Rome and I was wondering if you still have your car if you could pick me up at the airport.  If not I could probably take a bus.  I think that I will be going to the states 10 December & I should get to Boston on the 11th which is a Saturday.

A friend of mine is going to New Hampshire and I want to ride with him.  We will go back to Norfolk and he will take me to Warren.

I'm trying to get the general arrangements together.  I will stay at your house a few days, I think.

Everybody is moving out of the house soon.  I will have to find a place somewhere.  It's a hassle over here.  Damn I need to get back over to the States.   I was thinking tonight that I don't have one friend in Naples, but I just remembered that I do have one friend and that's Charlie Brown.

Paul I was thinking in a frantic way but I still have my senses.  I have to look ahead now when life is scattered over here.  Maybe we can talk when I et back home.  A good talk.

I am going to dinner at Mariano's house tonight.  I met him one night when I was walking.  His mother is cooking a meal for me so I'm going to feast on good Italian food.

Write me soon.

July 3, 1976 (Letter from Barb N)

Hello.

I just got your letter today.  I was wondering when I would hear from you, but I knew I would get a letter eventually.  Before I go into a lengthy account of my feelings concerning your letter, I will tell you of the general happenings here in Naples.

We took the Admiral's barge out last Thursday and spent the day at Capri.  I was invited along with the DP's and a few others who went along.  The boat we went on was "plush" since it's supposed to be used only for transporting admirals back and forth.  Our Admiral lets each command use the boat for a day in the summer.  It was so beautiful weather-wise and the Mediterranean was a aqua marine around the coast.  We ate lunch overlooking the swimmers with a vibe that puts you in a fairy tale existence.

After lunch we decided to swim back to the barge.  I was feeling risky so I took off my dress and swam back topless.  We proceeded to a cave and started to go snorkeling when the next thing I knew everybody was skinny-dipping.  I would have preferred to swim with my bathing suit on to save more talk but I indulged and went topless.  Word got out after our trip that everyone was skinny dipping.  If the Admiral hears of t his he is going to flip his bars.  I don't mind the naked body but I feel that discrimination should be used for many reasons.  I will learn a lesson.

I must say I have had many problems lately and my attitude has turned sour.  There is so much happening to me that really hurts deep inside of me.  I don't know why I was supposed to come to Naples but at this moment I feel it is a curse.  A lot of my feelings will remain inside of my now. This I will resolve on my own.  I feel I am racing to a peak and it will soon explode.  I am trying to save all my energy for this day.

I have been warned that someone is out to bust me.  I haven't smoked in a good while and have no intention over here.  In fact I quit drinking which I probably told you.  Started for 10 days and quit.  I have too many reasons not to drink over here.  It's a scary feeling  when I know there's a person out there who wants to harm me and tear my life apart.  All the times I have felt for people and never wanting to harm anyone.  I know from past experience I have a tendency to impress strangers that I don't like them.  It's the way I am and I won't change.  I am locking my car door all the time.  I don't know if they are going to plant it in my car or what, but I got the impression they want to bust me that bad.  I might seek legal advice but I'm not really sure what to do.  That person may or may not be serious.  I don't really know.  But it's a terrible feeling and it makes me want to understand the hate they have inside.  What kind of person are they anyways?

So as you can surmise my senses have been slapped, punched, played with, and stepped on.  I feel the pain of everyday existence and it's such an awakening nightmare for me.  I have intentions of taking leave soon. I find that if I leave this environment just for awhile it will help to live through the period in Naples.  Naples has an appropriate motto.  "See Naples and die."  Heaven forbid.

I'm sure your independent life is just what you need but I prefer to take the apron any day.  It's not as easy as all that though.  To find a compatible mate is my hardest feat in life.  Sometimes I dwell upon him wishing he were here.  I can not deny that I need him. When you don't have anyone to love leaves life very empty.  My friends can not and will not compensate for him. I could be a great mother and wife but I won't advertise.  He may never come to me but I don't think so.  It just gets lonely at times.  Right now he would do me good.  Again, this is the feel I am and I won't change.  (At least for the moment.)

I have been writing to Gordon who is in Bermuda.  I am going to take leave and visit him there.  I will probably come back to the states also.  I will decide at the end of the month.  I plan to visit Sweden in the spring.

Larry sent me a belated birthday package which included tea, shampoo, sun lotion, sunflower seeds, etc.  I needed it, too!

Moses came in tonight and gave me two red carnations.  He has a crush on me but Moses falls in and out of love each day.  He's a nice person, though.

I was showing a guy my car a few minutes ago and he asked me where the fist dent came from. So I can't be certain but someone might have put a fist to the hood of my car tonight.  Have you ever had a feeling of bad to come that you couldn't erase inside.

I don't want to sound ridiculous but maybe you can help me in some way, even to say don't worry. I am all right and I'm not scared of what awaits me.  I'm just fed up with the Navy and I'm going nuts waiting to get out of this outfit.  I mean, Paul, I've had it up to the bum with the Navy's shit.  It stinks too bad.  I'm a little unsure of myself at this moment.  I'm caught in a cyclone now.)

Enough of my foolish worries.

Paul, you got into a heavy topic which most people like to avoid because they don't want to face up to the realities of the world now!  I agree that we can not turn back and we are on a direct course for self-destruction.  I was talking with Lt. Pond who just finished reading The Ascent of Man which was on Times best seller list for the past six months.  I have not read this book but Mr. Pond told me that is goes up through time to where man is and where he went wrong.  Supposedly the book gives you a choice of where we can go.  I say wishful dreaming.  Man, just as long as one man is greedy, this world will never be "heaven on earth".  I don't know the purpose of life and the significance of death.  My beliefs stay with man on earth not upon outer space, the core, the sun etc.  Man is a very unneeding creature who has built his life to an apex where he cannot survive on basics.  He has forgotten all his knowledge of the beginning.

Man and nature should be one in the sense they are able to help each other.  More so nature helps man because nature feeds, clothes, and shelters man.  I don't want to be unrealistic and put man back into a "caveman" style of life because we have progressed way beyond that point.  But man cannot abuse nature as he has been and expect nature to survive.  We have finally aroused nature with all our polluting, stripping, unnatural building that weigh the earth, etc.  It's like a cancer that slowly grows.  She will be getting the chills first and then comes the aches and pains.  Or course, most of mankind doesn't realize that we will fell her "disease" (dis-ease) just as great.

You could give me all the scientific explanations in the world but it won't change my mind about all the catastrophes that are going on now.  I believe it will happen in our lifetime since we are at the end of the plateau.  Man has no room to move.  We cannot explore because all the land is "private" property owned by a named country.  After that I believe of what my future.  I still hope to have a family and enjoy my life.  I want to be near the people I love here.  I feel that I'm so lucky because I have three beautiful brothers and two outstanding dedicated parents.  I love mom and dad not for what they stand for but for who they are and how I see and know them.  I can't compare my family to other because you are like the hills.  It's embedded in my mind.

Paul if you ever get a chance buy an album by Dan Fogelburg because you won't regret it at all. Sit down and listen to the words.

I'm trying to remember a song of his by heart and I'll close with it.

Part of the Plan

I have these moments
All steady and strong
Feeling so holy and humble
Next thing I know I'll all
worried and weak
I feel myself starting to crumble
The meanings get lost
The teachings get tossed
And you don't know what your
going to do next
You wait for the sun but it
never quite comes
And some kind of messages
come through to you
And it says

Chorus
Love when you can
Cry when you have to
Be who you must it's
A part of the plan
Await your arrival
With simple survival
And one day we'll understand
Someday we'll understand

I had a woman who gave me
her soul
But I wasn't ready to take it
Her heart was so fragile and
heavy to hold
And I was afraid I might break it
Your conscience awakes
And you see your mistakes
You wish someone would buy your confession
The days miss their marks
The nights get so dark
And some kind of message
comes through to you
Some kind of message shoots through

Chorus

There is no Eden or heavenly gates
That you're going to make it through one day
But all of the answer will be found
In dreams that you dream on the way.

February 1, 1976 (Letter from Barb N)

Hello.  Well, it's been four months since I've last seen you.  I imagine it has been a long period of time for you.  Has any good news arrived concerning a job?  I'm hoping for the best for you.

As for me, I'm rather discouraged with the Navy.  I can't agree with their war games.  There is so much that goes on here which most people are ignorant of.  I don't know half what's really going on, but I do know enough.  Sometimes you want to laugh at them other times you want to cry because you can't do anything.  There is no way you can reason with them either.

My chief at work had me carrying boxes that weighed 45 pounds each.  I had to carry 30 boxes into the back room of our office because I am of seaman.  I'm not a man and I haven't any intentions of competing with a man.  Here some people who have been living the Navy way are totally unrealistic at times.  But I must comply while I'm in.

It seems the Navy has progressed slowly downhill for me.  I can't name any advantages dealing with the work.  The security of the Navy is fine.  I imagine a corporation is just as bad.

Enough of the Navy for now.

I've been buying a lot of nice adds and ends for my future home.  I see so much that I want.  I'll have to really budget these next few months.  My federal income tax should help me immensely.  I want to get a rocking chair sometime soon.  I saw a beautiful coat rack.

Hello again.

I'm trying to figure out a budget if I decide to buy a van.  I will have to find out how much a new van would cost me.  It might be easier to buy a van and convent it to a camper.

I think I will take a course at the Univ. of Maryland next semester.  I'd like to take a philosophy or psychology course.  If I go to college I'd like to go back as a sophomore.  You probably heard I'm thinking about going to Penn State.  I want to go to school in Pennsylvania my first year. Hopefully it will be cheaper.  I'm interested at the moment in art or agricultural .  I'd appreciate any advice form you.

I haven't been doing that much.  I'm waiting to get settled in an apartment.  Laura and I plan to go looking this Wednesday   I'd like to get a villa but you have to travel farther to get to any cheap villas.  That would mean I'd have to get up at 5:00 a.m. to make it to work on time.  (I'd be up with the roosters.)

Not much more to say.  I just wanted to write you so you didn't think I forgot about you.