August 5, 1976 (Letter from Grayce)

Just sitting here, catching my breath -- it's only 9 AM and already I'm tired -- I think I'll probably be able to sleep tonight.  I've been trying to organize some of my accumulated things (of which there are far too many!) It certainly is work!

I meant to write soon after you left, but for some reason (besides being busy showing the house, etc.) I just couldn't seem to.  I'm not sure exactly why, but when I've seen you for a few days & then you leave, I don't seem to be able to write very soon.  It's almost as if I have to let you recede a bit, so I can see you at a distance (reminiscent of the idea that one sees one's friends more clearly from a distance as a mountain climber see that which he had climbed?)

I think it's because I'm so happy when I do get to see you that I don't fully believe that you are here, when you are here, & when you leave, it's like I have to sort out a dream of oms kind . . . does this make any sense at all?  I'm sure I'm not getting the emotion on this piece of paper!

Regarding our house -- we have had quite a few inquiries (especially from the Sunday ad) but Westinghouse offered us an amount which almost was what we asked, so allowing for closing costs (which they pay), legal fees (ditto) & trouble of transferring deeds & other general time-consuming & boring details (which we will be ecstatic for them to take care of ) -- we feel it is all around better to sell to them. (We only had a certain amt of time to accept their offer &^ were afraid if we sold it privately, there might be a delay with the buyers getting a loan right away & we can't wait 'cause we have to pay for the new house.

This week we are planning to take the beveled glass out of the front door & also the stained glass window on the third floor (which you never saw -- it's plain, but has some nice colors).  It's going to be quite a task -- since neither of us has done it, but I have faith in Brook's skill.  (Myself -- I would do best to keep myself scarce   I'm so clumsy!)  I just will be very upset if the windows break.  I plan to learn how to make stained glass, but only God knows when, (or where) -- certainly not in Pocatello (although one never knows.)  Actually, I know the rudiments, I'd just need some good equipment & some (much) practice.  Maybe I should get more competent at weaving first, though. It's not too good to have too many interests at once.  Between Brook &^ myself, we're bound to cover everything before long -- I'll be jaded by the time I'm 28!  (Like Kierkegaard.)

I feel such an affinity with him.  Maybe because his life was full of such pathos -- it just seems to affect me so much.  He was such an "indirect" person, but his philosophy really had a great effect -- (although he always refused to admit to being a philosopher! -- he detested Hegelian logic and didn't want to be associated with its consequences in any way) as for its consequence s-- Hegel personalizes history & let it roam wherever it liked.  Many feel that Hegel's ideas greatly affected Heidegger & that he in turn came up with the Aryan purity of race idea which in turn brought about the climate in which a Hitler could flourish.  (But he also brought about a climate in which Marx could write.)  It was such an open-ended philosophy -- that was its main problem.  As a matter of act -- Kierkegaard & Marx attended the very same Hegel course in Berlin (but never got acquainted) & came out with such totally diverse ideas -- it's something that's hard to believe.  Oh well, enough of this lecture.  (Wake up, Tweety!)

The yoga seems to be progressing.  My body often wants to balk at taking time to slow down & relax for the exercises, & that is supposed to mean progress.  (The book says your body wants to be lazy (mine certainly does) & to get old -- so any attempt to rouse it from its natural course, it will try to thwart).  I really feel that this helps me relax, though.  I am a tense person & now I feel much more relaxed than I did.  Part of this is because I don't have to be at Seton Hill anymore, but part must be due to the yoga, I feel.

I got something neat in the mail yesterday.  (A 2 carat diamond, hee hee)  Actually, it's one of those Wellington counterfeit diamonds, but it does look real & it's just in a very plain setting.  I rather like it (but it's so rock-like, I don't think I'll wear it very much.)  I forgot to mention that this was one of the third prizes in a mail-order catalog contest.  Occasionally, I enter these things, just for the fun of it, and occasionally I do win something.  This ring is worth about $50 (they say $75, but I don't think so) so I suppose it's nothing to sneeze at.  (Maybe next time, I'll win the car?)

Well, I suppose I'll try to get t his in the mail today.  We are going golfing tonight (neither of us has ever been) with the people upstairs.  I'm sure I'll be terrible (it's certain to be a lot harder than miniature golf!)

March 12, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

I felt that I had to write immediately when I got this letter (do you know that I always know exactly when your letter will arrive?  It's uncanny.)  This letter was very "urgent" it seemed and different from most of your others.  Also, it was quite emotional.  I'm not really sure of how emotional a person you are.  I think that what I've finally decided is that basically you are very emotional but that often this is not shown to others.  You have changing moods, like quicksilver -- calm and rational at one point and rash and emotional (not that rash, but slightly) the next.  Although I don't believe rash is really the right word, but I can't think of what the right word is right now.

Anyway, your letters, which I look forward to very much, show this pattern somewhat.  I don't want to really analyze this, but it seems that I've already done it subconsciously and now I'm only realizing it and writing it down.  Some of your letters really extolled Deer Lodge in an euphemistic-sounding way, but you did sound very happy so I felt pleased that you were happy.  This is really the first letter I've gotten that was more negative (of course, I know that doesn't mean that you are unhappy but only that you are either thinking about your position now, or just slightly restless.)   I'm a little worried, though, because I don't want you to be dissatisfied.  I can understand that living "in a one horse town" can be very disquieting.  I know this will sound weird, but I feel that way here sometimes.  (Although I think I can accept that often it's just me and my ever-present ________ (something I can't explain) and not this city in itself.  I just feel less alive here for some reason  (Not always, but sometimes.)  Maybe I'm just crazy (it's a very distinct possibility).

When Brook mentioned the idea of being transferred to Idaho, he did it very hesitantly it seems to me.  When I asked him why, he said he felt that I wouldn't like it at all.  Actually, my feelings were quite opposite.  I was (and still am) enchanted with the idea (for awhile, anyway).  It's just that everything looks so "big" there.  And having never lived anywhere where there was any space (my parents live on a 2 block area of homes on which 70 other families live and most have at least two kids!) and I just would like to experience the "nothingness" of complete silence for a bit.  (There's the catch!)  By a bit, I probably mean for a year and Brook says that once we do get there we may be there for 5 years -- or 7!!!.  But I really think it would be worth taking a chance on, since I'll never be quite at rest until I do.  I would like you to tell me what to do.  If you really think it's an asinine idea, just tell, ok?

I feel almost as though I may never see you again.  Please say it's not true, ok?

I think your trip to Berkeley will be very good for you.  And I think it would be a good idea, also to postpone calling until after that.  No, I guess by 3am I would have been asleep.  I have a "getting-worse" case of insomnia.  I've always had it -- I can remember not being able to sleep when I was about 9 years old.  My father is the same way.  When I was at home we used to stay up late together and watch all the old movies.  He's even worse than I am and hardly ever gets more than 4 hrs sleep/night.  But he has phenomenal energy -- he works about 16 hrs/day and although his work is not physical it must be very exhausting to create constantly.

Unfortunately, when I only sleep 4 hours, I don't have that kind of energy.  So when I do feel like sleeping I usually have to, right there and then, or my chance is gone.  Brook never has any problem.  His head is like a magnet to the pillow.  He's asleep immediately -- I am just amazed! And I'm really jealous, too.  One night he was all upset cause about 20 minutes went by and he was still awake.  I'm usually awake about 2 hours -- sometimes 3 1/2 or 4.

Anyway, to get back on the topic (Paulie says, "what topic?") I don't think I can give you a total schedule (you'll have to get that from the FBI, and please have then send me one also, because half of the time, I'm not quite sure of where I'm supposed to be.)

Sunday night would be good and cheaper than any other time, too.  April 6th might be a good night to call if you call around 11 or 11:30 (my time).  That's when it's most likely that I'll be home.  This is driving me crazy!  I do feel watched!

Actually, you may really like Kierkegaard -- he was a Scandinavian  you know and quite unpredictable, like yourself.  I would suggest that you first read his life though (which is rather tragic but every exciting, I think).  He was a very melancholic individual and died when he was pretty young.  You can't understand his works without knowing his life (and even it's pretty misty. Either /or is good to start with.

I know how you feel about communicating by letter.  I always feel that just a thread or two of what I ant to say is left out and that this leaving out can change the whole color of what you're trying to say.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to say.  I wish I had some magic words that could travel well, but I can't seem to be able to find any here.

I do know that I like your "emotional" letters very much and hope to see more of them, because they are really a deeper insight.  Please don't feel that you can't complain.  (God knows I do it enough.)

I do hope that your little "vacation" will be what you want.  I fully expect your next letter to be in a totally different tone and vein.  In my case, take care of yourself.