June 20, 1977 (Letter from Grayce)

(I hated Network -- the only reason we went was because we heard from so many people that it as good!  That's the last time I listen to them!)


As you can probably tell, I'm in a silly mood!  But I will try to compose myself to some extent -- at least enough in order that I'll be lucid (or as lucid as I ever can be!)  I liked your card.  I do think it conveys the mystery of Scorpio.

I've been keeping myself busy -- with weaving, mostly & also with my new interest -- printmaking. Woodcuts & lino cuts will be a very demanding medium, I think, but so engrossing.  I'm really fascinated & hope soon to be doing something in them.  Right now, I'm just reading about different techniques & methods U& kind of gathering ideas in my subconscious for subjects.  Its a limited medium, but it was a charm all its own & lends itself to the concrete in a way that painting does not (but in a way, that weaving does, also).  This probably makes no sense at all, huh?

Actually, I've only showed the water colors I've done to one person (other than Brook) & that was my boss.  The incredible thing is that she bought one, and that has, for some reason, given me more confidence in them & in me, too, I guess.  So I think that I will exhibit them in August at the show here -- if I get them matted in time, which I think I can.  also, I guess I"ll show some of the weaving I've been doing -- who knows?

I'm not sure, but I feel different for some reason.  Actually, I don't think my personality has changed, but I do think my outlook has changed in some ways -- and mostly, I think I know myself better & that's almost certainly a result of being alone so much & having to deal with this stranger me.  I can't describe how painful this "metamorphosis" has been in some ways -- but it's also been very happy -- a contradictory kind of thing, but not really & I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, but I'm not exactly being eloquent on the subject -- mostly what's important is what I left unsaid -- as in all matters, huh?

This weekend, I'm looking forward to!  Brook has his 4 days off -- Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues. -- & not a moment too soon.  He really needs some time to do what he enjoys -- I mean how many weeks can you work 16 hrs/day without some kind of a break!?  Anyway, I have a picnic (I bought a picnic basket in Salt Lake City that I can't wait to use) -- a quiet one -- planned for one day.  A day we can just do NOTHING -- maybe bring something to read, and also maybe a day of weeding our non-lawn (the seeds froze, so we've got to plant all over again!)  this might be relaxing, also, since doing things with the hands has a certain appeal for someone who has to study & memorize all week.  And for Tuesday, I plan to be at work, so he can have a day completely lone.  I mean, I'm sure now that this will be the most valuable day for him.  It's funny -- now that we don't see each other so much, how we do value the time that he does have off from work, but even though he says I should stay home that day, I'm not going to, because everyone needs time alone -- don't you think so?  I'm sure you agree with me.

Anyhow, I have enjoyed our time here so far, very much.  But I must say that I think of "settling" in the East -- although I'm not sure of where!  I've always liked Main -- or maybe New Hampshire.  But first I want to see all of this area.  We're planning a trip to S.F. and L.A. by way of Reno (to stay with Kathy & Bob) and that'll be neat -- if Brook can take some time off after Aug 20th.  I don't know if we'll ever get down to New Mexico, although I'd love to since we have friends there.  But if not, I'll still be very happy that I've even seen what I've seen.  It's been a good experience all around.

Well, take care & don't apologize for not writing right away.  I don't want to make demands on you, I'm just happy for your friendship.

August 31, 1976 (Letter from Grayce)

N.B.  Prevention magazine says a few beers every once in a while are good for you.  Because they contain elements of nutrition that are no longer in modern man's food -- even most "health foods".

I am presently taking a break from the exciting job of UNPACKING!  (Oh, if only my fellow phil. majors could see me now!)  I was going to make a pun from "unpacking" which is the logical positivistic term for "getting down to basics" about a word's true meaning -- which might interest an old dictionary buff like yourself?  Actually, I have no idea of what I'm trying to convey here, myself, my surroundings are a total scramble & my mind is jarred b y them. Maybe I should start over.

You new stationary gave me quite a start -- it's the exact paper I used to get from Brook when we first met.  As you can tell, the stationary business hasn't come up with any brilliant ideas in 5 years!  What a farce, actually, Brook thought little of the paper, too (not me, I like it, but them, I have strange taste) so he went to his friend B.V.D. (Bill Venables, for short) who just happened to run a printing press at the time, and made some papers up 'specially for me -- quite romantic.  Our mailman used to geet quite a kick out of those letters.  Anyway, there were yellow & had a pretty sunset delicately printed on top (just in black) but I really liked them.  What reminded me of this is that for two days, Brook & I sorted our letters (writing every day for 2 years by 2 people equals quite a heap of letters!)  We got rid of some.  I was upset because so many of the ones I wrote said the same things -- what drivel!  Anyway, it was a nostalgic way to spend 2 days -- I do like your stationary, though -- very forceful!  (he-Tweet?)  Should I start again?

Our trip across was (thanks God!) uneventful in the car trouble sense, which we both were a bit worried about.)

Ohio to Indiana - very nice, too flat.

Iowa -- I never want to see corn again.

Nebraska -- ditto, but we stopped at a few Pioneer museums, and they were pretty interesting.

Wyoming -- I liked this place, unfortunately, we drove a lot of it in the dark and I didn't get many pictures.

Utah was my favorite.  I can't imagine this place being the way it is.  It's scary, in a way.  If we have another ice age, maybe the whole earth will look like Utah and when man (or whoever will evolve next; I hope somebody who deserves the earth more) appears, he'll never know about exotic flowers or hardwood trees?  It could change the furniture business!    (I'm sorry, I'm in such a giddy mood!)

We spent a week at Pocatello's finest -- Holiday Inn, which wasn't too bad.  We swam every possible minute & that nice.  Unfortunately, Brook got hut one day by scraping his nose on the bottom of the pool, also his forehead.  I still don't' understand how he did it -- the water he dived into was 10' deep -- but I think he scraped his nose in the 4' part, which appeared a bit too abruptly -- anyway, he's ok.  He was just shaken up a little.  I was afraid, though, when he came up, his face was full of blood.  After that, we were less energetic in the water.

It's so quiet here -- hardly ever a car goes by our house.  The population in this town is rising quickly though.  They expect 80,000 in 5-7 years (it's 48,000 now).  I am now gazing out our back door at 2 workers putting up a house across from us.  They're putting up the skeleton of the roof right now.  I'm surprised at how quickly it's being finished.

Brook is at his first day of classes.  I hope he's having a nice day.  One of the guys he knows who's already out here said the program is very tough.  (Brooks thinks he's very intelligent & didn't think he'd have any problems at all!)  I suppose my main function right now is to be here for Brook so he'll have all the support he needs.  I hope I don't take up too much of his time.  For now, I don't have to worry, because I'm up to my ears in things that need a place to stay, but after the house is settled, I will have to keep myself busty.  Maybe I can be a waitress at  the Mall?  There's an ice cream place -- I definitely have enough experience in that.

Is this letter boring?  I'm sorry -- it's awfully incoherent, too.  Brook has to catch a 6:00 AM bus out to the site each day, and I don't see him again til 6:00 PM.  He's been taking the car down & leaving it at the bus stop (2 1/2 miles away).  Later on, I'll drive him down & ave the car during the day.  I'm not sure I'm ready yet, though.  Brook's taken me out several times, but he's never let me go out alone.  It's pretty crowded here on the roads, it's surprisingly like Monroeville!  Eventually, though, I suppose I'll be driving all by myself!  (Frankly, I'm scared, but I suppose I'll survive!)

The transition from everythingness (maybe just somethingness) by which I mean the possibility of seeing certain people & doing certain things to nothingness (not in the sense really of NOTHING, but in the relative sense of less stimuli of certain types) is certain to be a major difference in my life.  I feel it may be for the best.  I need solitude right now.  I think maybe I'll be able to be alone more readily, also.  That is one thing that's very hard to me and which I must overcome.

I do hope you can make it out here.  You know, I'd love to have you.  Actually since you have such a short time, have you considered flying?  It's really not that expensive & if you consider that "time is money" it's cheap!  (I can always rationalize spending!)  Anyway, think about it?  (It's a natural for a Tweet, anyway!)

I'm so pleased about the yoga.  Actually, I didn't mention it "off the cuff".  I didn't want to seem like I wanted to "force" you to try it, but I did want to consciously make an effort.  I knew you'd be open to that suggestion.  That's one aspect of your personality I am very impressed with -- your openness to new ideas -- (maybe because I'm not always as open as I'd like myself to be?)  I've always felt that I could tell you any thing and it would be taken without undercurrents of "she's crazy" even if I was crazy.  I hope  I get to see you more often at some point in my life.  Oh well -- I guess I'd better get back to UNPACKING!  Take care

May 28, 1975 (Letter from Bev)

Montana 1975

By now you probably know that Diane and I were in Pittsburgh May 16-18 and stayed at Webster Hall.  We were planing to write you a joint letter while we were there, but never got around to it.  It was good to be in Pittsburgh again and to see Grayce and Brook.  We stopped in GSLIS on Friday afternoon but no one was around, naturally.  The building has undergone so many changes with the biggest improvement being the relocation of the library to the 3rd floor.  I also stopped at WPIC. Ellen is acting head librarian and teaching at GSLIS.  There have also been two additions to the WPIC library staff -- 2 full-time librarians.

I've applied with 2 agencies for a new job.  The VA hospital in Wilmington will have an opening shortly for medical librarian and I would really like to fill it.  New Castle county also has 4 openings for librarians.  Both employers pay more than my present job and the positions would probably be more active.  I get so disgusted with my job somedays because the library is underutilized.

My landlord gave me permission to plant a flower garden between the house and the neighbor's fence.  I put in zinnias, snapdragons, and marigolds.  I also planted a tomato plant and a green sweet pepper plant.  My zinnias are in bud already, but the other plants aren't showing any signs of flowering yet.  I can't wait to get my first tomato off the vine.  I noticed that my neighbor has two tomatoes on one of his plants.  My plant doesn't' even have a flower on it yet.

Now that the warm weather has come to Delaware, I plan on hitting the beaches every weekend.  If it doesn't rain, which the weatherman promises,  I'm planning on going to Dewey Beach on Saturday.  It's only a 2 hour drive so I don't think I'll spend the night.

The softball team that I play for isn't doing too great.  We won 1 and lost 2.  Tonight we play the team which we beat 2 weeks ago.  It's really a lot of fun and good exercise.  My tennis game is improving greatly since I started taking lessons.  In two more weeks I should be able to play a decent game, I hope.

Before I forget, Grayce's birthday was April 27th.

That's all that's new from me.  Keep in touch.

March 12, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

I felt that I had to write immediately when I got this letter (do you know that I always know exactly when your letter will arrive?  It's uncanny.)  This letter was very "urgent" it seemed and different from most of your others.  Also, it was quite emotional.  I'm not really sure of how emotional a person you are.  I think that what I've finally decided is that basically you are very emotional but that often this is not shown to others.  You have changing moods, like quicksilver -- calm and rational at one point and rash and emotional (not that rash, but slightly) the next.  Although I don't believe rash is really the right word, but I can't think of what the right word is right now.

Anyway, your letters, which I look forward to very much, show this pattern somewhat.  I don't want to really analyze this, but it seems that I've already done it subconsciously and now I'm only realizing it and writing it down.  Some of your letters really extolled Deer Lodge in an euphemistic-sounding way, but you did sound very happy so I felt pleased that you were happy.  This is really the first letter I've gotten that was more negative (of course, I know that doesn't mean that you are unhappy but only that you are either thinking about your position now, or just slightly restless.)   I'm a little worried, though, because I don't want you to be dissatisfied.  I can understand that living "in a one horse town" can be very disquieting.  I know this will sound weird, but I feel that way here sometimes.  (Although I think I can accept that often it's just me and my ever-present ________ (something I can't explain) and not this city in itself.  I just feel less alive here for some reason  (Not always, but sometimes.)  Maybe I'm just crazy (it's a very distinct possibility).

When Brook mentioned the idea of being transferred to Idaho, he did it very hesitantly it seems to me.  When I asked him why, he said he felt that I wouldn't like it at all.  Actually, my feelings were quite opposite.  I was (and still am) enchanted with the idea (for awhile, anyway).  It's just that everything looks so "big" there.  And having never lived anywhere where there was any space (my parents live on a 2 block area of homes on which 70 other families live and most have at least two kids!) and I just would like to experience the "nothingness" of complete silence for a bit.  (There's the catch!)  By a bit, I probably mean for a year and Brook says that once we do get there we may be there for 5 years -- or 7!!!.  But I really think it would be worth taking a chance on, since I'll never be quite at rest until I do.  I would like you to tell me what to do.  If you really think it's an asinine idea, just tell, ok?

I feel almost as though I may never see you again.  Please say it's not true, ok?

I think your trip to Berkeley will be very good for you.  And I think it would be a good idea, also to postpone calling until after that.  No, I guess by 3am I would have been asleep.  I have a "getting-worse" case of insomnia.  I've always had it -- I can remember not being able to sleep when I was about 9 years old.  My father is the same way.  When I was at home we used to stay up late together and watch all the old movies.  He's even worse than I am and hardly ever gets more than 4 hrs sleep/night.  But he has phenomenal energy -- he works about 16 hrs/day and although his work is not physical it must be very exhausting to create constantly.

Unfortunately, when I only sleep 4 hours, I don't have that kind of energy.  So when I do feel like sleeping I usually have to, right there and then, or my chance is gone.  Brook never has any problem.  His head is like a magnet to the pillow.  He's asleep immediately -- I am just amazed! And I'm really jealous, too.  One night he was all upset cause about 20 minutes went by and he was still awake.  I'm usually awake about 2 hours -- sometimes 3 1/2 or 4.

Anyway, to get back on the topic (Paulie says, "what topic?") I don't think I can give you a total schedule (you'll have to get that from the FBI, and please have then send me one also, because half of the time, I'm not quite sure of where I'm supposed to be.)

Sunday night would be good and cheaper than any other time, too.  April 6th might be a good night to call if you call around 11 or 11:30 (my time).  That's when it's most likely that I'll be home.  This is driving me crazy!  I do feel watched!

Actually, you may really like Kierkegaard -- he was a Scandinavian  you know and quite unpredictable, like yourself.  I would suggest that you first read his life though (which is rather tragic but every exciting, I think).  He was a very melancholic individual and died when he was pretty young.  You can't understand his works without knowing his life (and even it's pretty misty. Either /or is good to start with.

I know how you feel about communicating by letter.  I always feel that just a thread or two of what I ant to say is left out and that this leaving out can change the whole color of what you're trying to say.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to say.  I wish I had some magic words that could travel well, but I can't seem to be able to find any here.

I do know that I like your "emotional" letters very much and hope to see more of them, because they are really a deeper insight.  Please don't feel that you can't complain.  (God knows I do it enough.)

I do hope that your little "vacation" will be what you want.  I fully expect your next letter to be in a totally different tone and vein.  In my case, take care of yourself.

November 5, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

Whittier Elementary School, Great Falls, Montana

Photo taken September 1974

Dear. Mr. Corneliusson (as elongated older version of your last name I came across just recently).

As I write today, I am listening to the record I ordered the day we were in town.  (Debussy's Syrinx for flute solo).  It was his last work and I really like it best of all the others.  I might even go far enough to say it's my favorite classical piece.  The mood I have to be in to really enjoy it doesn't just open up every day, though.  It's such a thoughtful and restrained piece of music that to listen to it when I'm not feeling thoughtful and peaceful would be a type of sacrilege.  It  has a very mysterious quality and can be ethereal at times.  It would be like touching clouds to really explain it so I will stop   I hope you can hear it someday.  The first time I heard it was in January when Brook's sister invited us to an evening of chamber music that she had to give with other people in her class.  I was feeling bad that night and this music was perfect.

I thing (actually, I do speak English) think I told you the story of Pan that it was written to represent.  (He falls in love with a young mortal woman who is afraid of him and hides from him in the reeds.  He cannot find her and sighs deeply and his breath carries over all the reeds and makes the sound of syrinx.)  It's truly beautiful story.

Oh well, enough of this.  You're probably asleep by now.  (Of course, you could always skip the parts of a letter that bore you -- it's not like just walking away from someone that's talking to you, huh?)

I had intended to recommend a crock-pot to you in my last letter.  I got one as a shower gift from Tobin and she said that no "career person" should be without one.  It's really good, isn't it?  Suzy Homemaker has been experimenting a lot lately.  Brook hasn't died of ptomaine yet, so I guess I'm not all that bad.  Last night I made stew (in the crock-pot) and it was really good.  The meat was so tender it fell apart.  If you haven't made that yet, please do.  I made garlic bread and a fresh spinach salad (with Caesar dressing) to go with it.  I'm making myself soooo hungry.  ON Sunday (here I go again) we got the pumpkins we had planted in the summer and I made pumpkin pie.  I think I'm going to have to go on a diet before Thanksgiving (just to stay at my present situation) because we are going to Phila for the holiday and my mother has already called up and asked what we want.  Brook, of course, wants veal scallopini (for Thanksgiving!?) so that mean we'll have it the day after, and I know she'll have all kinds of goodies to tempt me.  I used to be much better at resisting these things.  My will power needs some kind of incentive, I think.  I will have to dress something good up.

Speaking of home, I'm sorry your sister is having a bad time.  But at least she has those nice plans about New England to think of and work for.  I think everybody wants to live in N.E. or California.  I wouldn't want to live in Calif, but I'd really like N.E. -- I like the climate very much.

My news from home is that my brother Tommy (age 15) is "going steady" with a girl who is going to be 20.  My parents are certainly not thrilled to death about it, but they are wisely (for once)( not interfering and not badgering him.  The problem seems to be that Vera "wants to get married". (This seems a little ludicrous to me since he's only 15!  I mean, why would she pick him?)  It's strange.  She's very nice but she's a non-entity.  Her opinions are never even voiced, let alone considered by Tommy.  He's so independent and he kind of lets her tag along, but he does like her a lot.  He's just really immature and doesn't know how to treat her, or anything.  In a way, this will be very good for him.  It's her I'm worried about.  I can't imagine what she's getting out of this relationship, you know?

One thing that bothers me about her is that she graduated from high school 2 years ago and has never gotten a job.  She just stays home all day.  She has 7 brothers and sisters and I guess she helps her mother, but her father died quite awhile ago and I just thought some money would come in hand there.  It's none of my business, of course, but I just can't understand how someone can just do nothing for 2 years!  Myeer!  I would go crazy, I think.

I have to go now cause I have to go to work.  ON Tues and Thurs I start 1 1:00 and work til 10:00.  I was just really getting into this letter, too.  Oh well---

(11/7/74)  -- well, here I am again with lots of energy.  Actually, it is 6:30 am (the middle of the night for me) and I just have washed my hair and I am sitting here deciding whether to set it or not. Brook is already at work.  He had some big top secret engineering to get done today.  It had to be done before everybody was at work, so...and once I wake up fully it's almost impossible for me to go back to sleep.

So, you're stuck with a letter from a tired but awake person.  I'm sorry, but I have a feeling that this letter isn't inspired.  Do you hate this trivia? or what?!

Your phone sounds quite appropriate.  What does you apartment look like?  Colors, age, etc.  (please answer this!)

Guess what?  The other day I went shopping in Wilkinsburg and I passed by the pipe shop and decided to go in and ask for a few cigar boxes (I'm making wooden Xmas tree decorations and they're 3-dimensional so I need a place to store them so they don't break) and lo and behold! the man behind the counter was none other than Harvey Walker.  No sooner did he see me than he started telling everyone (at least 10 people!) that I was his ex-wife and I still went up to visit him on Thursday nights when his present wife worked  etc. etc. -- same old Harvey!  Anyway, it was really nice to see him, despite the fact that 10 people now think we are both crazy, immoral, or both.  I haven't gotten up enough courage to go in and see him again, yet.  I think I will wait for an off-time at the store.

Do you know I haven't seen Kolish yet either? or even spoken to her.  Kate certainly is elusive.  I've called several times and no luck.  I hope she's alright.  I think I'll try again today.  I have to go to Oakland on Nov. 18 so maybe I can see her then!

I am quite excited about tomorrow.  One of the library aides that I've gotten friendly with is taking an indep study in pottery and she's going to let me use her wheel tomorrow!  I haven't done it in such a long time so I've a little apprehensive, but I can't wait!  There's something really neat about playing with clay and mud.  I guess I feel that way because I am an earth sign.  Does your sister like to play with earth?

Right now, as I look around myself, at this mess, I am quite discouraged.  This house is at least 08 years old and I don't believe anything has been done to it for at least 20 years (maybe not even cleaned!).  There is plaster everywhere and the curtains that are on most of the windows are nothing short of hideous.  We can't fix anything until Brook finishes his cabinet which is being built into the wall, so- it will take at least until Christmas to do that.  (shudder)  I don't even feel like cleaning cause it doesn't help one bit!  I have so many ideas and it is frustrating to not get to do any of them. Oh well...

By all means, do send some samples of your journals.  I would especially like to see some representative things about your time at GSLIS -- I mean at different times there, if your opinions changed or altered much.  Actually anything you send would be fine.  Do you like going through all that and editing?  It would be very tedious for me since I am very impatient.   Kierkegaard never went over any of his writings.  They just poured out like a waterfall.  He wrote 20 volumes of journals (each quite large also) and his philosophic works are so voluminous as to really amaze the person who realizes that he died in his very early forties.  (Paul says -- oh no -- do I have to listen to her talk about this goofball again?!)  I'll stop; I promise.

What's prison chow like?

As for travel, I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I used to think it was very exciting but I'm not so sure now.  It seems that I believe in the solidarity of mankind and that most men are awfully basically alike. Maybe it's only because I haven't been to any other really different places like the Orient.  I would love to visit China before the art is totally negated by that state.  From what I've read they are trying to do away with all of the past -- even Confucius.  I think this is a crime -- to take people out of their identity and mold them all together.  I feel that all men placed in the same situation who have the same milieu react very similarly, i.e., I don't believe in "bad" men and "good" men but that, inherently  man becomes what he does.  Like all those people in prison were sort of "channeled" into the lives they led.  And most will probably be channeled into it again when they leave.  I don't know how travel brought this stuff up.  Please excuse this disjointed rambling!

Are you going to go home for Xmas?