March 18, 1975 (Letter from Tony)

Well, I almost forgot that I promised to send you directions.  Sorry about that.  Two days after you called Ralph Pearson called me at 8 am and my dim recollection of what happened at that hour of the morning is that he plans to come out here for a few days before you come.  I'm not sure when he'll get here or how long he'll stay but maybe you'll get to see him.

It snowed here last week.  That makes it 3 years in a row and every year they are astounded.  It probably will never snow here again once I leave.

We'll, I'll save my talk for when you're here.  Below are the directions.

I assume that however you go you will end up on 80 coming from Sacramento, or if you come down the coast you can get on 80 in Richmond.  The arrows show a shorter way to get to 580, but just staying on 80 offers the virtue of simplicity, and it's not much longer.  The exit off 580 is MacArthur Harrison St. and it is, I believe, the next exit after 24 comes into 580.  The exit lumps you onto Harrison, which is one way.  You just go down Harrison a couple of blocks to where Oakland and Harrison split (or come together, depending on your philosophy) do a 160 degree turn to get on Oakland and I'm 3/4 block away.

My apt is on the left-hand side, it's a 4 story light green.  Mostly one story buildings are on either side.  As you can see in my nifty picture, it's before you get to any intersecting roads.

Ring door bell #2 -- manager.  They will let you in.  I live downstairs.  As you come into the building, you have to go up some steps, then turn left and go down the hall.  You will pass the managers apartment, smile politely and tell him you've come to visit me.  MY apt is directly below theirs.  So down the stairs, through the green door on your left, past my bathroom and the washer and dryer and that's my door.

As an alternative to coming in the front door, you can come in the side door.  I recommend doing this only at daylight hours.

Go down the alley that is located at the left of the building when you face it.  The alley goes down hill.  There is one door which leads to the gas meters and fuse boxes.  Then a door that is very big and heavy.  Then down some steps and we have the basement door.  Go in, up one flight of stairs and you're back at the green door, beyond which is my bathroom, the washer and dryer and then my door.

You have my home phone.  My number at work is 834-2010 ext 255.  I work Tu & Th 8:30-5 but I may take that week off.

Lastly would you be interested in going to a concert by Franz Breugen, who palsy the recorder.  It's cheap and on East Sunday - March 30.

OK enough, see you soon.

July 14, 1974 (Letter from Tony)

This letter, rather than being a flowing image filled masterpiece of letter-writing, is designed for informational purposes only.

I'm leaving Walla Walla, by bus, Aug 9 or 10, and I could go to Lake Spread Eagle if you'll be there Aug 11 or 12th.  Or I may go directly on to Columbus  Ohio to see my sister, and go up to Colden, possibly through Pittsburgh or Warren.  I expect to spend a little more than a week in Colden, then go on to Portsmouth, N.H. to visit my friend Jerry.  From there I'm going to Boston to see Michael and travel with him to the wedding.  If you were at the Cape, say from Aug 20-30, I could see you there.

There is a possibility of side trip to Montreal to see Ralph Pearson, who I believe is working in the Queen Elizabeth (Hilton International) in that city.  I probably will be doing the Greyhound Ameripass trip so my travel plans can be adjusted pretty easily.  I hope to run into you somewhere along the way.

P.S.  I enjoyed your short stories very much.  A more detailed discussion can be had when we get together.

P.S.S.  Marmul went to Atlanta, Ga. with old George Pakin, the Albany gambling man.

October 29, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

Thank you my friend, for the birthday card and the thought.  And naturally I return the thought.

It's good to hear that you are active.  It's strange, I had just begun to look for a job in order to keep myself moving.  My momentum in my classes has begun to slow, I hope to raise my excitement level by doing something more immediately gratifying than studying law.

I've been studying less of late and playing more.  My tennis game is improving slowly, my frisbee throwing was worked on today, and I've even been getting cultured.  I saw the Cleveland Quarter (artists in Residence at SUNY at Buffalo) a couple of weeks ago.  And then I saw a mechanical music concert that featured early 20th century music instruments, music boxes, calliopes, player pianos, and a piano player accompanying the film The Great Train Robbery.  It was really enjoyable. 

And then Friday I went in S. F. to get my papers served in my small claims action against the charter flight company that screwed up my Christmas flight home last year.  I guess I picked a real winner because when I gave the sheriff the papers he was to serve, he started laughing.  I thought it was over my cleverly worded statement of the case, but in reality he was laughing because the guy I'm suing is notorious.  A lot of people have been suing him and even if they win in court, there has to be some way to get the money from the guy.  And they maintain 8 bank accounts and you have to know which one your check goes into.  that's pretty discouraging, I guess I won't get my money.  Small claims court probably was a good idea when it was first set up, but today it's such a hassle to get a claim started and then get your money that most people don't even bother and these merchants, landlord, etc can get away with taking hundreds of dollars.  It's really a crummy set-up. 

Have you heard of the American Film Theater series?  It's a series of 8 plays films in N.Y. with really fine actors and actresses and then shown in theaters all over the country for 2 nights.  I'm going to see the first in the series, The Iceman Cometh.



Someday soon I'm going to start school work again.  I have a couple of papers I could be working on, but there won't be anythng urgent for awhile.  I can't wait until I'm dealing with people in real-life situations, rather than with hypotheticals.

Have you heard from Ralph?  I'm goign to try to write to him c/o Cornell Hotel Mangement School and see if I get any reply.

Well, I'm about trhough for tonight.  What are you doing over Christmas vacation?  When do you ahve yours.  I'jm flying to NYC Dec 15 and coming back Jan 5.  I'll be in Colden most of that time.

Yes, Paul, we both have been through a lot this past year.  It's like I'm riding on a roller coaster and I have some control over where and how fast I'm going.  Sometimes I'm moving along very slow.  And then I may speed up to the point that I'm just barely in control, things happen quickly and my life is on the brink of breaking down into chaos.  And then there are times, like last year, when after I've decided I can take the ride down the big drop, I go out of control, just sort of thrown back, finding it hard to breathe, and just riding it out until I hit the bottom and go around that inevitable curve that slows it down slowly so I am still in control.  If the hill isn't too big, I can take the gamble, go over and maintain myself through the excitement.  But every now and then I take a chance and end up out of control.  I feel that now I'm picking up speed after the slowdown which followed last year's precipitous delcline.  I'm eager to test where the brink is.

Good night, hang tough. 

September 3, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

It has been a long time, my friend and I have much to tell you.

I am in Berkeley, California and have been since Thursday. Tomorrow I move into my dorm room and another year of school begins.  I want to say that it's hard to believe but that just isn't true.  I've been out here mentally since Aug 13, the day after Jerry's and my car died.

All summer long I knew I would be leaving but it wasn't a reality.  I was very much involved in Buffalo, Gowanda, Springville, etc., on a day to day basis, but nonetheless it was my existence; thinking of changing it just was an abstraction.  All my needs were being satisfied, or at least enough of them that I was perfectly content, a point I shall elaborate on later.

On the day I left for New York, the Friday before the 13th, Jerry and I woke up at 9am and I was going to drive him to work.  (He had a second job with an architectural firm in Buffalo.)  We had gotten in from Gowanda and our going away party there about 5 am.  Jerry said he would ride my bike to work, I could go back to sleep and he would have a way home.  I said OK and went back to sleep.  I finally got up and left Buffalo with my two riders about 2, and drove to Harvey's house.  Saturday he and I visited Elise and Marty, Janet (Harvey's flame for the summer and Elise's best friend), Kenny and Janet, Harvey and I drove in to see Tom Rush in Central Park.  The concert was very nice and driving to Manhattan was tremendous.  I really got into the role of a New York driver.  Anyway, on Sunday on the way back, our gleaming beauty ran through more oil than ever before and after 170 miles of driving it was low enough for the engine to seize up.  Totaled.  It cost $31 to have it towed, the tower was really a bastard.  Enough of the sordid details from that end.

I called Jerry to tell him.  Actually I had called Sunshine House and they got in touch with him and I called him back there.  So eh already knew before I talked to him.  When I started to tell him, he cut in ad said, "Tony first of all I want to tell you that your bike was ripped off."  I started to laugh hysterically.  The only two things of any value that I owned and in one weekend they disappear.

Jerry had felt very badly about having the bike stolen while he had it.  He had locked it and put it on the front porch of the place he worked on Elmwood Ave.  He had tried to figure out how he could make it up to me and he decided he would give me his half of the car.  So when I called and we told each other what happened we were more relieved than upset.  I had felt badly about the car and he had felt badly about the bike.  But it all evened out.

Up until this point, I hadn't been ready to leave Buffalo.  I was very anxious about leaving.  After that it was much easier.  That car provided the theme for the summer, with it gone, my mind was ready to think about life out here and my body finally arrived a week and a half later.

It was exciting to make all new plans and get everything reorganized.  I spent a day walking from Springville to Gowanda along Cattaraugus Creek, through Zoar Valley.  It wasn't as nice as it sounds because it rained but it was enjoyable.

Now, with the preliminaries out of the way, I shall get down to the serious part of my letter.

The week before I went to New York, my sister Rose's husband attempted suicide.  They hadn't been living together since March, but things had started looking better the last month when suddenly Kim snapped.  He took half a bottle of aspirin.  He was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for a while, he refused to cooperate with the doctors, he was released.  He went back to the room he had been staying in.  One day he telephoned my sister and told her some voices in his head told him to burn her car but that he wouldn't do that because he was too rational.  A few days later, a fire broke out in Kim's room, destroying most of his clothes, his books and records.  He escaped unharmed.  No one was sure what started the fire.  Kim went back in as a patient at the  hospital.  He was given electric shock treatment.  My sister, as a nurse, had worked on a psychiatric ward previously and had seen the effect of electric shocks.  Now this man she had lived with for a year, learned to share with and depend on, was going through that treatment.  She could envision him convulsing on the table.  And she knew that very few of the patients she had worked with had been helped by this method.  It is somewhat of a last ditch attempt.

Rose had been thinking of getting an annulment for some time, she had felt, however, extremely guilty about doing so.  She felt some responsibility for making her marriage work, even now.  And the worst part was that she began to wonder, why had the marriage not worked, what had caused Kim to become so distant, so withdrawn, what had pushed him to commit suicide and led him to the state he was in now.  What part had she, as the closest, by far the closest, person to him played in this tragedy.

I went down to visit her on the 20th.  I had planned a long time ago to stop there on my way out to Calif with my car, then when my car died and I heard about what was happening I flew down to be with her for 4 days.

I had suggested a divorce to her a long time ago, at that time she was very much opposed.  Now, with so many things changed, she had decided to file for an annulment.  The major reason was that Kim's parents were coming up from Louisville to take him back and commit him to a private institution.  There is an Ohio state law that prohibits any separation, annulment or divorce from a person committed to a mental institution, for a period of 4 years.  If Kim were to improve, they might possibly be able to get back together.  If not, she would have to wait 4 years.  (It is 7 years in N.Y.)

The day after I left, Friday Aug 24, Rose filed for the annulment.  It cost $300.  The next day Kim's parents took him to Louisville where everything had been set up and he was committed.  Rose went down the next Monday to see him. That day a blood vessel in Kim's brain burst and Kim died.  A memorial service was held the next night, Kim was then cremated.  Rose never saw him after he died. When I talked to her, she felt numb, a lack of feeling rather than anything else.  This was three days before he had died.  Rose went back to Columbus because she just couldn't stand being around Kim's mother.  That woman had been hysterical.  On sympathy cards sent to her and her husband, she crossed out "son" and put her name there.

Paul, when I left after those 4 days down there, I was really depressed.  There was almost nothing I could do for Rose, and she was going through such hell.  All summer had been so hard for her and then, after a ray of hope, everything crashed down on her.  My god, how much pain can a person be expected to endure.

A long time ago Rose and I had talked about suicide and she had said that if a person could look ahead and see more pain than happiness then she saw suicide as a viable alternative.  I just hope she has enough life left in her that she wants to continue fighting on.

She's been working 40 hours a week and the job of a nurse isn't a very cheery one.  That has been of minor importance but this long drawn out suffering has soured that even more and tinged everything else in her lie.  She was quite cynical when I visited, she didn't trust many people, she couldn't enjoy many things.

And her question and the one I put to you is WHY?

WHY did she have to go through this.

WHY did Kim, an intelligent, young, healthy man go insane and then die.

I can only shrug my shoulders and ascribe it to bad luck.  There is a possibility for disaster every moment of one's life.  I must accept it and to some extent forget it.

I have been on my own out here and I've been extremely excited about conquering new worlds, on my own.  Yet at any time, my frailty and insignificance could overwhelm me and then, what of my little triumphs.

I refuse to dwell on that because I have no answers, not even a hope of seeing the answer.  I would be most interested to hear your views.

I am now actually quite happy and bursting with confidence.  I fell primed to handle anything normal that comes my way.  My creativity is merely waiting for a channel and I'm sure it will soon come up.  Buffalo was a little too comfortable this past summer.

This is the theme I was running through my mind this afternoon as I was walking around Berkeley.  This letter is getting rather long but I want to get this last part down and then I'll end.

I had, in 4 years, established myself in Buffalo to such an extent that I had no dreams.  You mentioned the idea of living your dreams.  Well, I guess my last 5 months in Buffalo, I had no more dreams to strive for.  I was very happy to live my day to day existence.  I had many friends around and man y people I respected.

In you, Jerry, Michael, Joanie, Dr. Holmes, and John in Springville I had around me people that I admired and was learning from.  I was, again, content to absorb all these good influences and work 3 days and entertain myself the other 4.  And things were set up so that I didn't have to look for entertainment.  I had everything right there.  There were always people, friends, to party with.

All the patterns had been worked out, their needs and mine were pretty clear and understood.  The people I wanted round me the most were around me the most.

You, with your individuality and personal philosophy, Jerry, with his sharp mind and impressive manner, Michael, with his lightness and simple enjoyment energy, Joanie, with her strength and her gregarious personality, Holmes, with this scientific and somewhat cynical approach to life, and John with his creativity and a really basic enjoyment of himself, had the qualities that I felt I lacked or was weak in.  I watched, listened and shared with these people, now I am no longer a student in the classroom; now is the time for me to synthesize all these things into my own shape.

Of course I had tried all these things in Buffalo, but I had been limited by the very structure I had spent so much time building.

Old habits persisted, expectations on both sides had been established and the surroundings were too comfortable, I had pretty much attained all I wanted or hoped to in Buffalo.

Now I am in a place with no established social structure around me.  I shall in the next three years build on, and it is up to me to design it, and I am looking forward to that eagerly.  It will be a test, a challenge.

I have started a journal to record what happens and how I fell and also to serve as a reminder for when I start to ease up.  I fell very well organized, even physically.  All my belongings are here in 2 suitcases and a back pack or else in the attic of 75 LeBrun.  All I need is here with me.  Mentally I feel sharp and confident and I have so far kept the newness and strangeness as a positive tool rather than as a scary destructive force.  I feel very much in control of the situation.

I've been pacing myself, giving me time for reflection and organizing and dreaming.  You see, now I can dream again.

And these dream can be more ambitious than any that I ever had before and I have 34 years here to fulfill them and then on to another set.  I would like to somehow keep this newness around me, but realistically I see it fading and being replaced by the somewhat more staid feeling of familiarity.

Perhaps I can learn to use accomplishments as fuel to fire my dreams, but that might also lead to disappointment.

Well, we'll see how it turns out.  I have been somewhat spoiled by my good luck, I have usually had the right thing come up without having to push for it.  If, again, I can transfer that to a basis of confidence from which I can move up, I shall be very pleased.

It looks to be an exciting time ahead.  Write and tell me what happened at the closing scenes of the "Cottage Story".  That position you were in seemed a lot like mine in Buffalo.

I talked to Ralph just before I left.  He still wasn't sure what he was going to be up to after Chautauqua closed.  maybe he's in Florida working in a hotel.  Maybe he's bicycling around the world.  At last report Herbie was doing much better.  I have to write to him soon.

July 31, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

I'm sitting here on the porch of the Help Center in Gowanda, it's extremely hot and muggy, but we have some broad shade trees, and a nice breeze is blowing through and I feel rather comfortable. 

Time has been racing by.  My summer is drawing to a close and with that, my stay in Buffalo.  I'm going to miss this part of the country.  I know I'll be coming back for vacation but then I'll just be a visitor.  Now I have all the friends and places that have become important to me over the last four years.  Knowing that these will soon be memories, and long distance relationships is pretty sad.

I am trying to maintain a positive frame of mind but it definitely is tempered with sadness.  I am getting psyched up for my trip out there.  I hope to be able to drive Jerry's and my car out.  Jerry may come with me if he gets an interview set up with International University which is somewhere near San Diego.  He's wanting to go there fits in very nicely with a stop in Laguna Beach.  I expect to leave here on Aug 20 and I have to be in Berkeley by Sept 5.

I am now sitting on top of a cliff in Zoar Valley.  It's so incredibly beautiful here.  There are some hawks soaring, they are truly magnificent.

Getting back to my travel plans, would you still be in Laguna Beach around Aug 28-30?  I know that's pretty late if you intent to hitchhike back here.  My route out there will probably be a directly line to Durango, Colorado.  I dont' have all that much time so I'll probably push it from here, across the Plains, until I get into the mountains.  Dr. Jim Homes, the eco professor I worked with has a cabin in the mountains near Durango.  I want to stop by there, from there go on to the Grand Canyon, then down to San Diego and Laguna Beach.  Maybe we could meet in Durango or at the Grand Canyon and spend a few days together.

(I just discovered that this really isn't a 500 ft cliff, it's nothing but a giant anthill.  So goddamn many ants around here.)

I'm going down to see Ralph at Chautauqua today.  I haven't seen him or spoken to him since early June when he stopped by on his way down there.

I went home again last week.  It was very nice again.  One thing bothered me though, that was I regress when I go there, going back at least partially to the sort of actions and ways of thinking that I had when I lived there four years ago.  It's distressing to realize that is still part of me.  I definitely want to try to work that out in the time I have remaining here.  A lot of insecurities that aren't apparent or even relevant other places, came up there.

I saw Michael Kanter two weeks ago.  He came up for a week.  He had a pretty good time in Europe and was in good spirits.

Work in Gowanda has improved.  In the beginning I felt totally useless and somewhat frustrated.  But now that we have the kids working together on a few projects, an ingenious project of utilizing all their energy for public relations for the Help Center.  They get a chance to work together and get something organized.  The socializing processes her are quite poor.

I moved out of 75 LeBrun, I am now living partly at that place, partly at 41 LeBrun, partly at 11 Merrimac, partly at 105 E Main Springville, partly in Colden, partly at Sunshine House and partly in Gowanda.  A very confusing existence but it's working out well.

Your excitement on reading You Can't Go Home Again came across extremely well in your letter and it was very good to see.  It was also very fine to get the stimulation that your letters provide.  As of yet, I don't have the ultimate goal in my life in sight.  Maybe it's to be a lawyer.  T hat so far is the closest thing I've found to what I want to be, but I'll have to experience it a little more before I can say for sure.  I do know now, that I have the patience and the discipline and the strength to dedicate myself to whatever goal does come up.  Right now I am not concentrating on that one goal, now is a time of preparation.  I have a few more things to work out and then I will be completely ready for whatever may come.  I am working on my social development, extending the bounds of where I have been.  Jerry and I have spent a lot of time together and have exchanged a tremendous amount.  My relationship with Joan is the best I have ever had with a girl and has enabled me to work  out some fears and inhibitions.  Both of these people I admire greatly and have been able to get close enough to study these aspects of them that I admire and learn from them.

Joanie knows how to enjoy herself and have other people enjoy.  She is, along with you, one of the two most positive people that I know.  Jerry has a tremendous ability to organize thoughts ad come to some logical problem solving solution.  The more I can pick up from these tow, the better I will be able to be.

Jerry also has a charisma, a natural leadership that comes about from a good deal of self-confidence and a gentle way of directing a situation.  Again, a valuable asset, one that reduces tensions and frustrations and expedites action.

Yes, Paul, life is a process and we are able to make it a life giving process or a death inviting one.  And, yes Paul, you and I are on the way up.  I feel a need for a challenge, a testing of my mettle, a totally intense trip.  Do you remember when Ralph and Tom went canoeing in the Cattaraugus and tipped over.  Ralph and I talked about that later and that was a really beautiful thing that they went through.  To raise the energy output raises the returns.  To know how to channel that energy towards your self-selected goals is a true art.  To know ho much you can put out, which at this point seems to me to be almost limitless, and how much it will cost are extremely valuable things.  But then, you already know this.

I get almost a religious feeling sitting here surrounded by so much beauty.  The stream, ever moving, the valley, so huge and peaceful, the trees, the sky, the hawks, the sun, the wind all this is so basic and so pure and so powerful and so simple.  Bob Dylan wrote a poem to Woody Guthrie and Woody was very sick and mentally ill.  He was in Brooklyn State Hospital. The ending of the poem, after it asked how can you go on when you re so far down and where can you find hope.  (I don't know the exact wording) said you'll find God in heaven and you''l find Woody Guthrie in the Brooklyn State Hospital but for me, I'll find them both in the Grand Canyon. So, see you in the Grand Canyon as we've met here in Zoar.

September 18, 1971 (Letter from Ralph and Al)

Well I guess you just said to yourself I'm having a good time so fuck everything else, fuck school I'm staying where I am and I'm going to dig and I really hope you still are digging whatever you're doing and I wish you the best of luck in hoping everything goes just great for you.  (Amen)

Right now Ralph, Tom and myself are back into the old swing of school and I myself am not digging it at all but c'est la vie because I don't have the balls to do what you did you sly bastard Nelson.  Anyhow after this year no more school for this kid for awhile.  Maybe a return to Europe which was really a fine trip.

Just to make you feel a little bit nostalgic, I'll describe a few bits about good old Buffalo.  Our apartment is cheap but the landlord sucks and he lives downstairs.  The other day the old buzzard came up and tacked a list of rules on the kitchen wall including no girls overnight then he told us no stereo after 9:00pm and no "niggers": over.  Too fucked up.  School's still the same I don't think it changed a bit since last year.  We found a way to call anywhere in the country for free so send me your phone number if you have one.  Anyhow send me a letter because I'd like to find out if you get this letter and I'd like to hear form you.  If you forget the address is 251 Jewett Avenue.

I'm still a vegetarian freak and Ralph I think is heading that way too.  I still haven't indulged in the evil weed although it might become necessary soon.  I might also proudly say that I haven touched a cigarette either.

What else?  Perhaps a word of advice and wisdom from the great seer and prophet mystical fucked up yogi maharishi, me.  As you ramble through life brother whatever maybe your goal keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the hold, but don't take that too seriously for the donut maybe stale and the hole nice and sweet.  A little abstract thought I felt like adding.  You know symbolic philosophy and anyhow I thought it sounded good.

And now a word from Ralph.

Greetings!  Blind Faith on the grammophone, right now.  Marmul and I sitting around doing next to nothing cause ain't got no car to split for Poverty Hill - remember that tract of land that Student Assn. bought south of here.  Had a good summer at Chautauqua -- good people, good times, and good payola.  In room $ something in 4230 Ridge Lea, there's some dude named Doctor Ono.   You'll never guess his real name.  No hit.  Dr Ono is alive and well in Buffalo.  Was able to register for photography for non-art majors -- I'm finally excited about a course -- after 4 years.  If this weren't' my last year, I would have packed in school.  The two weeks between the end of my summer job and the first day of classes were really soul-searching.  I actually came close to thumbing out West or flying east to Europe. Buffalo's the same old shithole -- just as easy to get into a rut, altho I'm confident that I'll be able to avoid that predicament.  Photography should help -- I have enough equipment to set up a darkroom her e-- so once I learn enough in the course, I'll have a very enjoyable pursuit to keep me going.  I'm really looking forward to it.  Seeing old friends this year has been good.  Many people have changed over the summer but I guess that's only normal.  My summer had the effect on me of making me blase and nonchalant and non-caring about even more, pretty things -- a lot of my uptightness has diminished and disappeared.  Runnin' lo on paper.  Tom isn't here right now (he's in Batavia), but he'll drop you a line soon.  Keep in touch.