March 8, 1977 (Letter from Lar)

Today was a beautiful spring day, it was sunny and 50.  I worked outside most of the day.  Frank and I repaired a fence.

I went to a wedding in Buffalo the same day cousin Larry got married.  The girl, who got married, is one of the four girls we met at Allegheny State Park when we rode our bikes there in '72.

I sent Barb a package of tea yesterday.  She wanted some herb tea from the Co-op.

Dale was working on his bike tonight.  It's supposed to be up to 60 tomorrow so he wants to ride his bike.

Mom and I watched the National  Geographic special called "The Volga".  It was very good.  I haven't been overusing my TV set.  The only junk program I watch is "Charlie's Angels" once in a while.  I enjoy watching the girls!  It is pretty funny sometimes (the plots & the acting).

I do plan on going to Europe this spring and I would like to go to Sweden.  It depends on how much time I take off.  I'll have to get busy and get a passport and the other things I need to go overseas.

II almost have my speaker cabinets finished.  I have to wait til I get back from Europe before I can afford to buy speakers for them.  I need a new receiver and turntable too, but I have to wait quite awhile before I can purchase them.

Dale has been teaching me how to tun-up my truck.  I know the basics now.

I went to the Father-Son banquet this year with Dale and Dad.  A man from the Forest Service spoke.  He is the biologist for the Allegheny National Forest which includes about one half million acres.

May 14, 1973 (Letter from Tony)

I'm trying to work out a standardized letter opening, apologizing for not having written sooner.  Well, I haven't got it down, and I've written a few, trying to catch up for my laxness for most of this semester.

So what's new, you may ask.  Not much I would reply.  I'm into my finals stretch run.  Today was my last day of classes, my 1st year of law school is almost over.   No more classes.  It's really pretty exciting.  I now have to apply your two watchwords, patience and discipline to the utmost.  I decided about a month ago I had to start really working and I can say pretty proudly that I have done so.  Now, if I can keep it up, at a high level of intensity, for the next 3 weeks., I shall be satisfied and probably pretty knowledgeable.  This is only the second time I've ever been in a position that I wanted to put forth an extended effort, the first time being when I was working at Sunshine House, trying to get a house for us.  And this time it's much more intensive and I have to be much more self-motivated.  My somewhat lackadaisical philosophy on life has not had to respond with a concerted effort before and I must admit there were some transitional pains, but then I guess these must accompany most changes.  Life, and the way of living it are as one chooses, is based very much on how much of that pain a person wants to go through, how much he thinks the results are worth.

I've managed to keep some form of sanity by doing enough things outside of law school.  I've been to a number of the parks around here, been going to some concerts, most classical music concerts, I've gone to two major league baseball games and that's about it, at least since spring break.

My sister Rose, who was out here a week before spring break, is now an airline stewardess stationed in N.Y. flying TWA International flights.  While she was out her ewe traveled all over.  We had a rented car, and used it.  We managed to get to Yosemite, and stayed overnight, it snowed about 6 inches, we saw a bear that was 20 feet away, and in general were very much impressed by the place.  It's just magnificent.

Both of these vacation were very welcome, about that time I was into my mid-semester slump and was feeling pretty depressed.  My reaction to all the changes I've encountered out here hasn't been very good I really was bothered by many things, I would get depressed, lose confidence and patience, etc.  Coming from my very comfortable life in Buffalo, I wasn't prepared to have to fend for myself and my laziness added to the tendency to just sort of drift along the path of least resistance.  I now feel more in control, I just hope I can keep it together though finals.

This summer I'm going to travel to Colorado with Jim Holmes, my old econ professor at UB, and go horse back riding in the mountains, then move on to the mountains of Northern California for some more sigh-seeing, and we might possibly make it up to Alaska.  The trip sounds exciting, the only problem is that Holmes at times is somewhat overbearing and that I will have to put up with.

It certainly is good to hear of your good fortune.  Things certainly are moving along nicely.  My parents and I went down to the Kinzua Dam once, it's in a great location.  Despite all the beauty and breathtaking areas around here, my favorite area still is western N.Y. and northern Pa.  The trees, hills, greenness and freshness are what I grew up with and I've seen nothing like it anywhere out here, and I do miss it.  Well, I've come to the end of this letter, take care.  I'll be going back to Buffalo shortly after June 2, and we'll start our trip from there.  Hope to see you on the way out.

March 9, 1973 (Letter from Leslie)

Greetings.  Here are the goodies you wanted plus an article from today's Spectrum on David Bowie.  Thank you for calling me -- it was very good to hear your voice.  Not much of anything has happened since I last talked to you.  I've just spent the evening in doing some cleaning -- my room and the bathroom plus a quick sweep through the kitchen.  Getting ready to go home tomorrow -- got a ride with my housemate John.  Got back my test in German today -- my translating was terrible as usual -- the teacher has decided to let us use this test as a guideline so it is not going towards our final grade. As he very nicely said -- I'm not going to be the one to execute you.

Hello again -- I've been on the phone -- first talking with Carol and then with my brother Rob.  What a conversation -- he was really bombed.  I haven't talked to him in a long time so it was really good -- we talked bout each other's good things and bad things and experiences.   He's really cool.

Oh -- just remembered, last night I went to hear Gwendolyn Brooks read her poetry in the Fillmore Room.  She was really good.

It's kinda late so I'm going to sign off -- I don't really have anything to say except babbling.  Take care of yourself.

P.S.  I saw the movie -- the T.A.M.I. Show -- it was great.  I really like Lesley Gore and the Supremes.

February 26, 1973 (Letter from Kenny)

Where do I begin?  How do you tall about a roommate who loved books, and Gleason's, and sleeping and me?  Alas, poor Nelson, I knew him, Horatio.

In any event, here I am.  I know I haven't written and I know you're probably pissed as hell, witnessed by the fact that you write Herb before me and your letters are un-Nelson like short; but please forgive me, I've lost all touch with reality.  How the fuck are you?  It sounds like  you really know what you're doing in wanting to go to grad school, but your exit from the West Coast was to say the least surprising.  I probably will be speaking with you shortly, within the week, so don't be too surprised to hear from me.  How is Tony?  I haven't heard from him at all and when you write him perhaps you could give him my address to write because he always was smarter than me an could study less.

To recap my life for the past 2-3 months is not too difficult.  I have been working and worrying myself to death.  I had finals from Jan 18-22 (3 of them) and for about 2 weeks before that I couldn't eat or sleep and lost about 10 lbs and ended up weighing 179, which for me is outrageous.  They were more than words can describe yet they showed me how stupid exams are because they don't test anything.  You get an hour on a question, which is just a bunch of facts and you're supposed to pick out the issues and write about them, so often you know the stuff but don't see it and it is presumed you never knew nit, it's really fucked up.  Anyhow, my Xmas vacation of 2 1/2 weeks was spent in the library preparing for them so I have nothing to report on that score.  After exams they were nice enough to give us 6 whole days off, so I went to Buffalo and saw Lauren.  It was terrific, I never realized how nice old UB would be until you go somewhere and break you hump only to return and see kids hanging out in Norton again. You had exited some weeks previous, I saw Maddy and I guess I didn't miss Tony by a whole lot either.  I saw Chris for the 1st time in 6-7 months and I'm glad to report that some things in the world will always remain as they are; although I must admit it was good seeing him and talking to him.  Now it's back to work and more of it because the next 2 weeks are to be the worst yet because I have some legal research paper to do.  Enough about that.

What are you plans for the coming months?  Will you be here over the summer?  Perhaps Herb and I will come to Warren sometime in June or so.  Herb by the way is doing fine, I don't see him often but talk to him quite a bit.  He's seeing some local girl and he's pretty happy and no longer a virgin.  (I hate to break it to you this way, big guy.)  I saw Eric a few weeks ago and he is just as young and ridiculous as ever, worrying about how his life was washed up at 20 because he hated his job.  I told him to quit (it had never occurred to him) and he did and now is somewhat happier at a new place.

How long were you in Calif before you decided to leave?  Did you ever get to New Orleans like you wanted to?  It's funny I was going to call you tonight (Sunday) but all of a sudden I realized that not only was it late (after 12) but that it was SUNDAY NIGHT and I didn't want the phone to disturb anyone!  Anyhow, I got very nostalgic while in Buffalo and realized how happy I was there and how few things I actually had to worry about, though at the time, it seemed insurmountable; so now my motto is "this too shall pass" and I keep saying it to myself constantly.  I haven't listened to the radio in ages so I know of no new songs and a couple weeks ago I went home for the weekend and saw "Heartbreak Kid" which was the first movie I had seen since August.  It was pretty good but got me depressed thinking about getting married, which should be quite a change to say the least.  Anyhow before I start rambling on, it is now 1:00 and I have to get up early tomorrow, so let me stop here and continue when I speak to you soon.  Write and let me know what night is best to call.

September 3, 1972 (Letter from Tony)

It has been a long time, my friend and I have much to tell you.

I am in Berkeley, California and have been since Thursday. Tomorrow I move into my dorm room and another year of school begins.  I want to say that it's hard to believe but that just isn't true.  I've been out here mentally since Aug 13, the day after Jerry's and my car died.

All summer long I knew I would be leaving but it wasn't a reality.  I was very much involved in Buffalo, Gowanda, Springville, etc., on a day to day basis, but nonetheless it was my existence; thinking of changing it just was an abstraction.  All my needs were being satisfied, or at least enough of them that I was perfectly content, a point I shall elaborate on later.

On the day I left for New York, the Friday before the 13th, Jerry and I woke up at 9am and I was going to drive him to work.  (He had a second job with an architectural firm in Buffalo.)  We had gotten in from Gowanda and our going away party there about 5 am.  Jerry said he would ride my bike to work, I could go back to sleep and he would have a way home.  I said OK and went back to sleep.  I finally got up and left Buffalo with my two riders about 2, and drove to Harvey's house.  Saturday he and I visited Elise and Marty, Janet (Harvey's flame for the summer and Elise's best friend), Kenny and Janet, Harvey and I drove in to see Tom Rush in Central Park.  The concert was very nice and driving to Manhattan was tremendous.  I really got into the role of a New York driver.  Anyway, on Sunday on the way back, our gleaming beauty ran through more oil than ever before and after 170 miles of driving it was low enough for the engine to seize up.  Totaled.  It cost $31 to have it towed, the tower was really a bastard.  Enough of the sordid details from that end.

I called Jerry to tell him.  Actually I had called Sunshine House and they got in touch with him and I called him back there.  So eh already knew before I talked to him.  When I started to tell him, he cut in ad said, "Tony first of all I want to tell you that your bike was ripped off."  I started to laugh hysterically.  The only two things of any value that I owned and in one weekend they disappear.

Jerry had felt very badly about having the bike stolen while he had it.  He had locked it and put it on the front porch of the place he worked on Elmwood Ave.  He had tried to figure out how he could make it up to me and he decided he would give me his half of the car.  So when I called and we told each other what happened we were more relieved than upset.  I had felt badly about the car and he had felt badly about the bike.  But it all evened out.

Up until this point, I hadn't been ready to leave Buffalo.  I was very anxious about leaving.  After that it was much easier.  That car provided the theme for the summer, with it gone, my mind was ready to think about life out here and my body finally arrived a week and a half later.

It was exciting to make all new plans and get everything reorganized.  I spent a day walking from Springville to Gowanda along Cattaraugus Creek, through Zoar Valley.  It wasn't as nice as it sounds because it rained but it was enjoyable.

Now, with the preliminaries out of the way, I shall get down to the serious part of my letter.

The week before I went to New York, my sister Rose's husband attempted suicide.  They hadn't been living together since March, but things had started looking better the last month when suddenly Kim snapped.  He took half a bottle of aspirin.  He was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for a while, he refused to cooperate with the doctors, he was released.  He went back to the room he had been staying in.  One day he telephoned my sister and told her some voices in his head told him to burn her car but that he wouldn't do that because he was too rational.  A few days later, a fire broke out in Kim's room, destroying most of his clothes, his books and records.  He escaped unharmed.  No one was sure what started the fire.  Kim went back in as a patient at the  hospital.  He was given electric shock treatment.  My sister, as a nurse, had worked on a psychiatric ward previously and had seen the effect of electric shocks.  Now this man she had lived with for a year, learned to share with and depend on, was going through that treatment.  She could envision him convulsing on the table.  And she knew that very few of the patients she had worked with had been helped by this method.  It is somewhat of a last ditch attempt.

Rose had been thinking of getting an annulment for some time, she had felt, however, extremely guilty about doing so.  She felt some responsibility for making her marriage work, even now.  And the worst part was that she began to wonder, why had the marriage not worked, what had caused Kim to become so distant, so withdrawn, what had pushed him to commit suicide and led him to the state he was in now.  What part had she, as the closest, by far the closest, person to him played in this tragedy.

I went down to visit her on the 20th.  I had planned a long time ago to stop there on my way out to Calif with my car, then when my car died and I heard about what was happening I flew down to be with her for 4 days.

I had suggested a divorce to her a long time ago, at that time she was very much opposed.  Now, with so many things changed, she had decided to file for an annulment.  The major reason was that Kim's parents were coming up from Louisville to take him back and commit him to a private institution.  There is an Ohio state law that prohibits any separation, annulment or divorce from a person committed to a mental institution, for a period of 4 years.  If Kim were to improve, they might possibly be able to get back together.  If not, she would have to wait 4 years.  (It is 7 years in N.Y.)

The day after I left, Friday Aug 24, Rose filed for the annulment.  It cost $300.  The next day Kim's parents took him to Louisville where everything had been set up and he was committed.  Rose went down the next Monday to see him. That day a blood vessel in Kim's brain burst and Kim died.  A memorial service was held the next night, Kim was then cremated.  Rose never saw him after he died. When I talked to her, she felt numb, a lack of feeling rather than anything else.  This was three days before he had died.  Rose went back to Columbus because she just couldn't stand being around Kim's mother.  That woman had been hysterical.  On sympathy cards sent to her and her husband, she crossed out "son" and put her name there.

Paul, when I left after those 4 days down there, I was really depressed.  There was almost nothing I could do for Rose, and she was going through such hell.  All summer had been so hard for her and then, after a ray of hope, everything crashed down on her.  My god, how much pain can a person be expected to endure.

A long time ago Rose and I had talked about suicide and she had said that if a person could look ahead and see more pain than happiness then she saw suicide as a viable alternative.  I just hope she has enough life left in her that she wants to continue fighting on.

She's been working 40 hours a week and the job of a nurse isn't a very cheery one.  That has been of minor importance but this long drawn out suffering has soured that even more and tinged everything else in her lie.  She was quite cynical when I visited, she didn't trust many people, she couldn't enjoy many things.

And her question and the one I put to you is WHY?

WHY did she have to go through this.

WHY did Kim, an intelligent, young, healthy man go insane and then die.

I can only shrug my shoulders and ascribe it to bad luck.  There is a possibility for disaster every moment of one's life.  I must accept it and to some extent forget it.

I have been on my own out here and I've been extremely excited about conquering new worlds, on my own.  Yet at any time, my frailty and insignificance could overwhelm me and then, what of my little triumphs.

I refuse to dwell on that because I have no answers, not even a hope of seeing the answer.  I would be most interested to hear your views.

I am now actually quite happy and bursting with confidence.  I fell primed to handle anything normal that comes my way.  My creativity is merely waiting for a channel and I'm sure it will soon come up.  Buffalo was a little too comfortable this past summer.

This is the theme I was running through my mind this afternoon as I was walking around Berkeley.  This letter is getting rather long but I want to get this last part down and then I'll end.

I had, in 4 years, established myself in Buffalo to such an extent that I had no dreams.  You mentioned the idea of living your dreams.  Well, I guess my last 5 months in Buffalo, I had no more dreams to strive for.  I was very happy to live my day to day existence.  I had many friends around and man y people I respected.

In you, Jerry, Michael, Joanie, Dr. Holmes, and John in Springville I had around me people that I admired and was learning from.  I was, again, content to absorb all these good influences and work 3 days and entertain myself the other 4.  And things were set up so that I didn't have to look for entertainment.  I had everything right there.  There were always people, friends, to party with.

All the patterns had been worked out, their needs and mine were pretty clear and understood.  The people I wanted round me the most were around me the most.

You, with your individuality and personal philosophy, Jerry, with his sharp mind and impressive manner, Michael, with his lightness and simple enjoyment energy, Joanie, with her strength and her gregarious personality, Holmes, with this scientific and somewhat cynical approach to life, and John with his creativity and a really basic enjoyment of himself, had the qualities that I felt I lacked or was weak in.  I watched, listened and shared with these people, now I am no longer a student in the classroom; now is the time for me to synthesize all these things into my own shape.

Of course I had tried all these things in Buffalo, but I had been limited by the very structure I had spent so much time building.

Old habits persisted, expectations on both sides had been established and the surroundings were too comfortable, I had pretty much attained all I wanted or hoped to in Buffalo.

Now I am in a place with no established social structure around me.  I shall in the next three years build on, and it is up to me to design it, and I am looking forward to that eagerly.  It will be a test, a challenge.

I have started a journal to record what happens and how I fell and also to serve as a reminder for when I start to ease up.  I fell very well organized, even physically.  All my belongings are here in 2 suitcases and a back pack or else in the attic of 75 LeBrun.  All I need is here with me.  Mentally I feel sharp and confident and I have so far kept the newness and strangeness as a positive tool rather than as a scary destructive force.  I feel very much in control of the situation.

I've been pacing myself, giving me time for reflection and organizing and dreaming.  You see, now I can dream again.

And these dream can be more ambitious than any that I ever had before and I have 34 years here to fulfill them and then on to another set.  I would like to somehow keep this newness around me, but realistically I see it fading and being replaced by the somewhat more staid feeling of familiarity.

Perhaps I can learn to use accomplishments as fuel to fire my dreams, but that might also lead to disappointment.

Well, we'll see how it turns out.  I have been somewhat spoiled by my good luck, I have usually had the right thing come up without having to push for it.  If, again, I can transfer that to a basis of confidence from which I can move up, I shall be very pleased.

It looks to be an exciting time ahead.  Write and tell me what happened at the closing scenes of the "Cottage Story".  That position you were in seemed a lot like mine in Buffalo.

I talked to Ralph just before I left.  He still wasn't sure what he was going to be up to after Chautauqua closed.  maybe he's in Florida working in a hotel.  Maybe he's bicycling around the world.  At last report Herbie was doing much better.  I have to write to him soon.

July 4, 1972 (Letter from Herb)

Happy Independence day.  Quite a bit has happened to me since I wrote lst.  I won the title of "King Beater of the Peter" yesterday -- 17 times in 1 hour -- how about that.  Yeah, things are still pretty lonely -- it's really bumming me out -- I can't meet a soul.  When I'm working I'm fine but when I come home, I talk to myself.  I can't even sit in a bar -- this fuckin state of yours is archaic when it comes to drinkin laws.

But for a change I had a good weekend.  Bob Dorin and Debbie Kuznitz got married Saturday night.  So Friday I took off for Philadelphia airport -- left my car in the lot -- (left my keys in the car) -- and got on my plane to Buffalo.  The part about locking my keys in my car is a sad truth.  I was in such a fuckin hurry that I ust locked them in.  Anyhow Friday night I stayed with Wienkowski.  Then on Saturday I got a lift with Richie Belgard (RedBeard) to Syracuse.  The wedding was great -- we got stoned 1st in our hotel room.  Then we got drunk at the wedding -- by 5 in the mornig everyone had settled down to their own beds.  It was quite an evening.  Sunday we headed back to Buffalo -- I stayed with Wienkowski again.  And Monday morning I was back in Philly.  Luckily I was able to break into my VW with a hanger.  Oh, I tried calling Tony while I was in Buffalo, but no one was home.  I got a letter from him -- things are going well -- he shold have written you by now.

Otherwise things are well -- I'm heading to NYC next weekend -- it's the weekends that are the worst here -- so I try to keep on the move.  But you can't do that forver -- something's gotta happen -- keep on writing.  I really dig your letters.  Take care.  Keep on truckin'.

June 15, 1972 (Letter from Chris)

I have an hour to write before I have to leave for work.  It has been a very hectic month since I've been home. I started work immediately at Ronnie's Steak House, and only got a raise to $3.00/hr.  Then I had a lot of trouble getting a day off which I needed.  They said no -- I said "fuck you".  They tried to punish me by taking me off the schedule for two day.s  I tried to tell them that I wasn't playing games, that this was now my permanent job, at lest for awhile.  They didn't take me seriously so I went to look for another job.  And now -- get this -- I am the 2nd Assistant Manager of Steak and Brew in Merrick, L. I.  $10,400/a year start -- 1 week vacation after 6 months -- 2 weeks after 1 year.  It's an interesting job -- nice people -- but long hours. I haven't seen Judy except to go to Herb's sister's wedding *which was OK -- no big deal -- stranger people there.)

Since I am no longer a lonely blue collar worker, I've had to start building up a collection of clothes -- so I go to all the cheapie sales -- shirts $2.99, suits $29.99.  Real fancy!  Huh?

I met a really nice young lady last week.  She was a waitress at the first Steak and Brew where I trained for two weeks.  The relationship started really fast - she was very aggressive.  For three days it built and grew -- and a day later she just went dead -- I mean -- nothing.  It was the strangest fucking thing that's ever happened to me and any girl.  But I should have expected it, because she was (is) very mixed up.  She tried to commit suicide last year -- she's all fucked up with her parents and boyfriend.  So now I haven't talked to her for a while, and I'm becoming more and more aggravated by what happened.  I'm not hurt - I'm just confused and would like to be able to understand her.

So what else is new -- nothing.  No dope here that is exceptional.  I have some really good grass -- never tires you out -- but I paid $25 for a rather small ounce.

Tony was down here visiting Harvey, and Herb, Kenny and I went out to a sleazy  bar with them.  Kenny hates his job -- Herb hasn't got much to say about his yet.

I'm still waiting for the last bills to come from Buffalo.  I got the rent deposit back -- $40 short for various reasons.  (Such as garbage removal, late rent, bad checks, etc etc.)  So it is likely that everyone will owe me some money in the end -- $5 or $7 or so.  I'll let you know later on.

I just sent away for tickets to the Stones concert in July.  I'll never be able to get them -- but at least I'm making the effort.

It's really a drag being out of school, and I get sick every time I think of what I'm missing.  However, I'm going to try to get up to Buffalo once or twice next year.

Boy, it's strange, but I thought I was going to have so much to tell you.  I really miss sitting around the living room like slobs and getting high every night.  Actually I don't miss getting high -- I just miss getting together with people.

Well, I'll try to write something better next time.  I hope you have a fucking great time -- and don't forget to drop a line once in awhile.

Be good!

February 8, 1971 (Letter from Mardi)

Here I sit on a Monday night at work without a damn thing to do.  I have just completed a letter to my mother and one to Barb.

I'm glad to hear you are experiencing good times in Buffalo.  I give you credit for surviving there this long!  How you can stand it is beyond me -- it's just that Buffalo has always been a bad scene for me every time! Except, of course, the time we visited you!  Let me make myself perfectly clear -- I HATE BUFFALO!

All is well in Minneapolis at least for the time being.  Anderson has been at his job now for over 1 year and I'll be going on my 11th month March 2nd!  What is the world coming to?  It's starting to scare me!  But I could never let go of this job now!  With school and work it really doesn't seem so awfully bad.  Not like I had visions of anyway!  No matter how hard I try though I cannot picture you student teaching.  Anderson and I were trying to visualize i t-- IMPOSSIBLE.

I can't remember what I've written to you -- I don't think too much since it's been quite awhile.  Anderson and I missed a chance of a lifetime when we missed Neil young in concert at the Guthrie.  Everyone was protesting because the Guthrie only holds about 1700 and you can't get a bad seat.  But they never advertised and they were sold out the same day tickets went on sale.  So we went down and protested with everyone else and like everyone else we didn't get in.  Richard Havens is at the Depot in about 2 weeks and Sly is here.  I'd like to see Havens and so would Anderson.

I have to close up BIG letter huh!?

Still haven't heard from Joan.  She and Freddie probably skipped town or the country.

Word has it that Barney might be coming out again and I just couldn't live through that again!

I must go and have a ciggie.  How's the non smoker coming along?

Take care, I promise to write a longer letter soon!