May 7, 1975 (Letter from Ken and Denise)

Hi!  It's been awhile since we wrote, and all of a sudden, you came up in a conversation about biodecision.  Kenny said that that's how he met you.  He told me all about how you were working together on this, and when everyone started asking questions, you blamed everything on Kenny. That's why nobody likes him down there.

So tell me how your trip was over in California?  Did you have a good time over there?  Was there good weather down there?

Well, it's only one more month till the kid comes.  We're hoping it comes on June 2nd, since that's the day we got married.  The way I figure it out, it would definitely be June 2.

Guess what?  Kenny got busted about two weeks ago, and this is what happened.  On April 14th Kenny went downtown to do a couple things, on his way home, or before he came home, he stopped in and got some M.D. 20-20.  When he was drinking the wine, he got in a little hassle with a cop and the cop busted him and Kenny called the magistrate everything, so the magistrate gave him 90 days in the county jail.  I went down to the magistrate and gave him a big sob story, and he lowered it to letting him out that very same day.  Boy, we were so happy.  We walked over the sixth street bridge and down tot he water and grassy area where we tried to roll a jay of grass I had brought with me.  I had brought some THC pills which we both took two of.  It didn't hit me until about 1/2 hour later.  Boy was I fucked up.  I don't think I want to take them anymore.  Kenny had to take about 6 of them before he got off on them.

You know that dude we told you about who was living with us, well he's not any more.  We got him busted, and now he's in jail (county).  We found out, (that's after he was busted), that he was fucking around with us.  That's like he was cheating on us as far as money is concerned, telling people these stupid lying ass stories about us that people believed.  When Kenny was in the county jail, Mickey was going to keep him in there, and planning to kill me by cutting my head off, so we had ho choice other than killing him which we weren't in to doing.  Well, Mickey is gone, and we have two other beautiful people living with us.  One male, age 21, and one female, age 16 1/2.  This is a whole new family which is really nice.

Guess what, we're going to be on KQV radio station this week.  We haven't listened to it yet, so we can't fill you in on what's happened as of now.  During the past month we were contacted by WEWS from Cleveland, Ohio, which we were on air at that time.  We were also on the air with KQV.  (I was just on, cause Kenny was in jail.)  I was so excited I kind of blew the whole call.  I could have said a lot more about Dollar Date, but I didn't.  If you want to hear it, they've got it on tape down at the station.

Well, I better close now I'm getting kind of tired getting punched in the stomach from the insidse.

Kenny says hi, and be cool.

April 23, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

First -- a burning question -- have you yet found your comb?  (Imagine Tweety being ill-groomed -- it definitely doesn't fit the image.)

You asked me to comment at length on the change in your letters since September...actually I don't know what the difference is, but I'll try.  You spoke of often dropping a subject too soon before you've finished with it.  I think you did that more then than you do now.  I don't think you are consciously being secretive, either, but it's a natural thing to do, I thin.  Also, I think it's just that there's always a loss of concrete description about whatever it is that's closest to our hear and spirit.

Sometimes when I'm writing something down that I feel deeply about, all the words come into my mind at once and I don't ever get them all down and once they're gone they never come back.  So I have to either try to improvise a general feeling, or just drop it.  Do you know what I mean?  And after that you can "ponder these things on your heart" forever but only you will know what you feel.

So, I don't think you're being secretive.  Lots of times I say things that are really only approximations of what I really want to say but what can you do?  You just try to approximate as closely as you can, I suppose.

As for your looking too deeply into life -- never can anyone ever, I don't think.  There are just such a vast number of levels that although we can never get to the core, it would be so dull to just take everything at face value.  You are right to attempt to avoid this as you said -- I mean why should the majority be correct?  When were they ever before?

As for your being a "lone wolf" -- I really think every man is by virtue of what has been said above. Each person has so many levels of feeling, intelligence, etc that it is simply impossible to communicate with another,  Even the solidarity of man's nature (if, indeed he even has a common nature) can only go so far to let him touch others.  It's very frightening to feel alone like this, to me, anyway -- does it scare you?

There are times when we all really want and actually need to be alone to sort ourselves out but sometimes don't you feel that when you're with someone who understands you to a great extent that you can see more of yourself as a result of interaction with that other being?  T hat's what I meant in one of my early letters about needing people to be around.  (And also what I meant by the levels of others we would never ever know about -- no matter how long or well we knew them.

I sometimes think language is a detriment to man -- a wrong turn in evolution.  I hate the philosophy people who concentrate on this aspect of man and argue semantics and logical equations back and forth.  What is it their hope to accomplish?  What can they possibly understand by all this?

I feel that primitive man must have lost some of his gift of communication by touch, look, smell, etc when the first word was uttered.  Man may have developed a communication of souls and spirits if this had not occurred.  Do you think I'm crazy?  Just think of all the empty words we waste on each other when -- (if our minds develop on this way) we could someday discern a really deep level or two of another person by just thinking of them or something.  You know?  Well, anyway -- look at me and all the words I'm wasting.

I've got to get ready for work now -- so I'll stop for awhile.

25 April, 1975 -- Hello.  I just got back from Shadyside and since I had to wait in pouring cats and dogs rain for exactly 45 minutes for a bus (achooo!) I'm not making myself a cup of tea and honey (no sugar, please notice) and I'm writing to my good friend, tweet.

I spent over $25 on weaving yarn.  I'm such a disgrace -- (almost as bad as Paul Nelson when he's in the vicinity of a record store, huh?)   I just couldn't resist all those colors and textures, and since it was such a dreary day today, they looked even more tempting.  Oh well, I have to make some wall hanging -- three of my friends are getting married in Sept.  On Sept 6th Ange and Rich Miller are getting married (not to each other).  Since one wedding is in Phila and the other is in Trenton I guess I'll have to miss one of them and since I'm in Ange's; the choice seems already made.  I really feel obligated to make something for Rich since he made me a really nice wooden box with a tapestry top in October.  The funny thing about this is that Sharon (a girl to whom Rich was once engaged) is also getting married -- two weeks later.  It's odd for me, since none of my friends are married -- now, at least, I'll have some company (although it's not a case of "misery").

I'm  sure that you're asleep by now -- so I'll shut-up about the above.

I've been wondering -- do you look the same as when I last saw you?  I do hope you still have your beard and mustache.  I think you look awfully nice with them.

Today I also went to Oakland and had to go to Pitt's bookstore.  It certainly has changed!  (for the worse -- less interesting stuff) while there I saw Immroth.  He's looking very nice and lots healthier.

The reason for my being there was to pick up my "MLS hood".  I had to buy one for work (it's such a farce -- I have to dress in academic robes for graduation and several other functions so I decided to buy the thing for $15 instead of renting it for $5 every time they have something (which is quite often).  It's funny, how the less truly good a school seems to be -- the more value they place on the rituals.  They have all sorts of "Honors Convocations" to pat themselves on the back for every little award that a student might receive.  They even have everyone come who has been accepted at grad school!  (Of course, this may really be an achievement since they are now getting away from SHC and will have reason to shout joy!

By the way -- what ever happened to those sample journal entries that you were going to send me? I especially remember you mentioned ones that you'd send separately which intrigued me.  I'd still like to see them.  (If you'd still like me to see them.)_

Anyway, take care.

April 25, 1975 (Letter from Mardi)

It was really strange to receive your letter late Fri night and then read of your brother Dale in the morning paper.  I haven't much on details but it's really a bad scene no matter how you look at it.  I felt like calling your parents but felt I wasn't close enough to them now to get in touch with them over the accident, I was just leery so I didn't call.  How is your brother doing?  Our baby sitter Pam is Dale's age and knew Larry Wallin quite well and she was telling me of some of the details but nothing specific.  What can I say but that I hope he's fine and doing better.  I can't imagine what it would be like and I suppose no one can that hasn't been through it.

Right now Warren is having trouble "experiencing" the Airborne troops and Green Berets that are all over town playing war games.  The situation is pretty tense because of an incident that happened to Jim Blackman, of all people, the Asst. D.A., at the Brandywine last Sat night.  It seems they (he and Linda) decided to go up and have a dinner and just hang around for awhile.  Well, a couple of these guys started hasssling Linda and Jim told them to "get Lost" (putting it very mildly?) and one of the guys pulled a knife, right?  So Blackman calls the state cops and of course, by the time they got to the Brandywine this guy, being no dummy disposes of his knife somewhere so that there is no knife.  Ok, got the whole fucked up scene?  So, Blackman goes and presses charges on attempted assault, the whole bit.  So, of course, our local "paper" prints some ridiculous story in the paper to make matters worse.  The whole thing is a bummer.  People in this town have been so overprotected they think they are being overrun by animals lurking on every corner and bar!  I'm sure the Army guys are freaking out just being here!  What can they possibly do with themselves anyway?, but go to a bar.  I don't believe they have to be here either, but people like Blackman could have done something before they got here!  No one can do much now.  I must admit I misunderstood the whole situation to begin with.  I thought they were going to be here two weeks on duty with the National Guard out in the sticks and we'd never see them most of the time anyway; but, of course, they have "leaves" for 10-12 hour periods so where are they going to go?  Now, I've heard this is going to continue all summer which will be a bummer -- both for the Army guys and the people around here.  It's just going to start trouble no matter what!  They're going to be picking up chicks, probably high school, I mean we did the same stuff, they're pushing dope and shit, you know people in this town are so sheltered because they ignore all these things,k if one small incident happened it's "freak-out city".  Anyway, it seems to be, everyone is over-reacting to them. Sot that's the big news in Warren at the moment!

All is going well here.  I'm playing tennis now and I'm so sore, the weakest part of my bod is my arms! I'm terrible at golf, but it's more my speed -- slow.  We've had such shitty weather so far I haven't been able to do either.

By the way, your tentative idea towards opening a bookstore sound like a dy-na-mite venture!  It's definitely a good thing for you to get into.  I can see you "groovin" on the whole scene now.  Plus you could keep me in supply!!  Hey, I've got to close and get moving, take care.

Write as soon as you can so I know what's happening with you, your brother, and Deer Lodge!

April 18, 1975 (Letter from Renee)

Frontier Hotel, Las Vegas 1975

I've owed you a letter for quite some time -- but "time" has been a problem since I've been super busy.  Right now I'm in school and have to watch a study hall.  All my work is caught up so I have time on my hands to write.

I think the last time I wrote was before we went to Las Vegas.  We had an absolute RIOT in Vegas.  Morrey and I could easily become permanent fixtures in a place like that except for the fact that it costs mucho $.  It seemed as though the outside world was forgotten when we were there.  Morrey and I were like a couple of little kids w/ big eyes -- eating up all the sights and sounds w/ sheer delight.  We got seated right smack in front of Don Rickles in his show, and believe it or not we were chosen to sit there cause we were Jewish.  We sure got a ribbing from Rickles but it was fun and funny!  We saw 3 Vegas shows, which is the part of the vacation I enjoyed best.  Morrey enjoyed the gambling but I didn't go bananas over it, and after my initial tires I could have had a good time w/out the gambling.  People were sure friendly in Vegas, our hotel (The Frontier) was super, and Morrey and I are planning on going back for 1 week over Xmas vacation.  Really though Paul, it was our first big vacation in 5 years and we both felt it was well worth the money.

School is OK.  40 more school days or (DAZE) and we're done.  I'm really anxious for summer vacation when I can do all the things I've wanted to do and all the things I've put off doing.  I'm going to take private piano lessons this summer -- and hopefully I'll be able to play a piece all the way through using both hands.  I'm also going to tutor a few kids so I can pay for the piano lessons. Morrey and I are not taking a major vacation this summer.  Instead we'll take Fri-Mon weekends and to go the cottage in Pa.

It's amazing that my interests in the last few years have changed so much and are so varied. Morrey and I have had all our weekends planned ahead for months already.  Last weekend we called it quits w socializing and we stayed home together -- ALONE.  It was great.  We spent the whole day Sat in bed sleeping and watching TV.  Every once in a while you need time to yourselves to do absolutely 0.  We took the time and I'm glad.  I was refreshed when I came back to work on Mon. -- and Morrey and I both enjoyed the time together to think, talk and reflect on things.

Morrey is busy as a salesman and he likes it very very much.  We're both building a future right now and the challenge to do well is there.  I'm getting kind of "antsy" about living in an apartment. I'd love to buy a house.  But Morrey and money say NO right now.  My taste in houses is not cheap and we don't want to strap ourselves financially to a house just yet.  I've changed a lot Paul in the last few years.  I had to have things right away -- couldn't wait for anything.  Materials things really counted in a big way for me for the last 4 years.  But I guess I must feel more secure w/ myself and our future right now cause there isn't anything I really want and I'm willing to wait for the "big" things to come.  I guess that too many of our friends came up too fast.  They overspent and overbought and consequently have many worries and frustrations.  I guess I've just grown up a little Paul and growing means changing.

I hate to cut this letter short, but the period is almost over and I've got to go.  I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about you.  Please write as soon as you can.

April 16, 1975 (Letter from Larry)

Georgetown Lake, south of Philipsburg, Montana (Spring 1975)

I've wanted to write you for awhile, but there hasn't been much to write about.  I don't have anything special to say, but I wanted to get a letter off anyhow.

It doesn't seem much like spring here.  Down in the 20's at night and up in the low 40's during the day.

They're starting work on the house the Crary's are building.  It should be done by fall.

How was your trip to Berkeley?

Dale went to a concert in Erie tonight.  Mom didn't want him to drive but she gave in.  It's Dale's birthday tomorrow.  Now' he'll probably be going to Jamestown a lot.  He seems to be more settled down.  He did take a girl to the concert tonight.

Mike Brindis should be here in about two weeks.  It will be good to see him.

April 14, 1975 (Letter from Debbie)

I'm sure you'll find this quite childish, but I can't talk well to people.  I can't ever say what's on my mind.  I think you are an honest person, but can you be totally honest.  I mean to the point of where what you say may hurt someone's feelings or pride?  I hope so, because that's what I need, total honesty.  I want you to know what you think of me.  What do you see when you look at me, I mean inside me; not my looks.  How would you describe me as a person?  I'm not looking for "brownie points" just plain old-fashioned honesty.  Sometimes I feel like people don't like "me", like maybe they feel sorry for me, or they are doing their "good deed" by being nice to me.  This may sound stupid to someone as well adjusted as you are, but I want to know what people really think of me.

If you aren't busy tonight why don't you come for a walk with me, then maybe we can talk.

Oh, I want to thank you again for just being there last night. I'm sorry I was such a boob.

April 7, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

This paper reminded me of Deer Lodge and You.  Did I tell you how good it was to hear your voice again?  Honest, I was quite overwhelmed by it, and very pleased   Especially since you didn't sound sad and I was less worried about you when we hung up.  Thank you so much for calling.

About "our bookstore" -- (heh, heh).  Actually, it's fast becoming an obsession.  I spoke to Brook about its not only being a dream but a reality in a few years hence, expecting him to put this in perspective and say, "No, it won't work -- we'll never get money" and various other sundry statements.  (Not that he's a negative person, but he's very realistic and not a featherhead like me.)  But -- lo and behold -- he was very excited by the idea and was even full of ideas of his own!  I told him he could be the acquisitions person for technical subjects and have the title "Chief Consultant for technical programs" and he was quite pleased.  Of course, I don't think this will come about very soon but it's definitely a favorite possibility of mine at the moment (it also appears as a happy escape from the humdrums of daily library routine!)  Maybe when (not if) you come see us in September we can all sit down over a lovely (ahem) dinner and discuss it?  Anyhoo -- it's something to plan and save for.  Now that I have something specific we thought it might be a good idea if I saved some of my salary (paltry though it is) for this possibility.  If it fell through I'd still have some money and I find it difficult to save if there's no need in sight.

Anyway, I must leave for work now.  There's a "faculty meeting" today and I've got to try and get there earlier (bleaaghhh!)  But I will definitely finish this letter as soon as possible!  pronto-immediatement.

April 9, 1975 -- Not quite so immediately, huh?  Well, things have been happening quite weirdly here lately (not so unusual in my weird life, though).  Yesterday when I was at work I (thank God) answered the phone call and it just happened to be for me.  (I share the director's office and phone so she was sitting right there.)  Anyway, I answered the phone and gave my name and this woman on the line says, "Grayce, I'm glad I got you -- I want to know if you're still interested in the job you applied for with Fisher Employment Agency (I applied for this around Xmas time and just figured they would laugh at me because they wanted someone with 10-15 years experience.  Not hearing, I figured that was that.  But for them to call me at work!  I was not too pleased and couldn't say I couldn't talk there because sister would have wanted to know what was going on.  So I waited until this woman guessed what the situation was and just said "no" to every question she tried to ask me.  She must have thought I was a real basket case!  Finally, she said she knew I couldn't talk and gave me her phone no and asked when I could call her.  Well, I called this morning and expressed my surprise since they obviously wanted an older person.  She said they might be willing to hire a young person for the position if they were creative and innovative and could get some new programs going so the library would be used more.   She said when they read my resume and saw that I was interested in pottery (!) and that I had had lots of jobs in which I came into contact with people they thought I might be good.  (Personally, I don't know what pottery could do me any good in this way -- but.)  Anyway, I told her I only have 1 month to sign my Seton Hill contract so they'd have to let me know right away and she set up an appointment with me at 10:00 Friday (11th).  I am really scared.  I don't think they'll be very impressed because I can't think of any really different ideas to get a bunch of advertising (that's what the company is) people to use the library.   They're very big and have offices in San Francisco, N.Y., Phila, Chicago, and a few other places.  I'm just going to go in cold and be calm (if that out-of-character role is possible for me to play!) and hope the Holy Spirit will enlighten me.  I'm kind of ambivalent about this whole thing, because I was looking forward to being part-time (lazy wretch that I am) and also because I feel very unprincipled in being so devious about this.  I'm sure this isn't an ethical thing I'm doing, especially after sister went through all that trouble to let me not work evenings.  I'm not taking responsibility for my decision to stay at SHC and I feel like I'm just cheating my soul in some way.  (One of my friends told me that I just like to suffer and so place myself in a situation where I'm likely to suffer most -- in some ways, he may be very correct, I guess.)  I suppose, since fate has been very kind to me so far, that I should leave myself in her hands and que sera era?  But I haven't had such hellish mood swings since ages ago.

Ever since graduation from VU, I've been about 8 feet away from reality, I think.  I think this job would push me into confronting reality but I'm not sure if I would be successful in that confrontation.  I don't like reality much.  I guess that's why I like philosophy.  They just can't go hand in hand.  Even ethics is far above reality in many situations.

So -- right now I'm keeping myself busy by sewing like a maniac.  I've made a coat, a dress and a smock in a two-week period (unusual for me) and I don't think I'm finished yet!

I'm also busy with preparations for a little luncheon I've giving my friends at Seton Hill who are graduating.  Olga, Linda, Lauri, and Anne have been so good to me, especially when I was living there and had no one to be with.  They even gave me a "bachelor party" the night before I left. They are all really sweet and Lauri is going to Africa in the Peace Corps so I won't see her for a long time; Anne is going back to Virginia and I don't imagine I'll see her very often, either.  Olga lives outside Pgh but I don't think she'll stay.  She wants to do something with ceramics and her uncle is a potter in Calif -- so...the only one who will still be here will be Linda who is (even though I warned her quite vehemently) going to GSLIS!   She has a B.A. in bio which I feel will really be wasted in library school.  But she's convinced!  (And I sincerely hope I did nothing to convince her.) Anyway, I wanted to have a little graduation -- I'll miss hosting the thing here but the house just isn't ready -- not by a long shot, so I've decided to have it at a restaurant, but I haven't decided which one -- I suppose it depends on who much money I can spend.  Oh, well, I'm sure this is all very interesting to you.

Now, take care.

P.S.  Do you have a fireplace?

P.P.S.  I saw a nightgown that had "Sylvester" all over it.  It was a floor length tee-shirt.