May 29, 1976 (Letter from Grayce)

After re-reading you letter, I had a strange feeling that I was not even remotely acquainted with the writer.  I felt as though I were reading someone else's mail -- but this lasted for only the quickest moment.  Mulling this over, I seem to come to no conclusions about what it could mean -- none that seem valid or even reasonable to me, anyway.  Maybe I am just in another of my many peculiar moods?  Any thoughts?

I had heard about Immroth's death and meant to tell you in my last letter , but my mind must have been in limbo when I wrote the letter because it completely escaped me until after I mailed it.  (I don't seem to be very coordinated today.)  It seems such a waste that he died when he was just getting things settled more.

The concept (& feeling) of death has been on my mind quite a bit these past few days, because I feel that I had a narrow escape myself on Sunday.  We went whitewater rafting as planned.  I had an unexplainable feeling of apprehension (which was completely out of proportion to a normal situation  because I usually love to do anything connected with water) all week before we went.  But I just told myself that I was being foolish.

The first few rapids we went over were really exciting -- an incredible experience.  Then we got to one that we couldn't quite control.  (There were 4 in a raft & we didn't have a guide, or anything) it all happened so quickly I can't even remember falling in the water.  But the water currents are so full of force, you are simply pushed the more you fight, the more the current pushes you around.  I don't know how long I was without oxygen, but it seemed quite long.  I even remember thinking I was definitely going to die & trying to resign myself to it.  I felt badly because I didn't get to say goodbye to Brook, but I remember hoping he wasn't going to drown too.  After thinking this, my head reached the surface & I was in calmer water, but was still not able to swim, or control the direction I was going in anyway.  I immediately saw Brook and the other guy from our raft, but neither were close to me at all.  I still could not breathe, and I began to hyperventilate, I just couldn't seem to get any oxygen.  I finally had enough presence of mind to cover my mouth with my hand & breathe in CO2 which helped a lot, but I was in deep water & it was really hard to get to shore because of the water's pull.  Luckily, there was a guy fly fishing not too far from me.  He had on wading pants & he came over as far as he could & I came over to shore.  The poor guy had to carry me out because my legs just wouldn't stand up.  By the time Brook, John, & Sandy were back at the raft, and they came over to get me, I wasn't thrilled about getting on again (you don't get to get in, you have to sit on the tube & there's nothing to hold onto!) but we had to go a little while longer to get to a stopping point.   At the stopping point, Brook fell out again, but it wasn't a bad spot so he wasn't too upset.  It was the most exhausting experience I've ever been through in my life.  I got out with the other 2 girls at the midpoint & all the guys went the rest of the way together.  They could control the rafts a lot better than we could, so they didn't fall in anymore.  The whole thing is supposed to take 4 hours, but that day it only took 3 because the river was so fast and treacherous.  I don't think I'll ever do it again, although it was a nice feeling to do it once.  At the beginning of the trip, I said a silent prayer to Neptune.  I suppose he heard me.

I have slept (probably to forget the experience!) an incredible number of hours since we got home on Sunday night -- so has Brook.  That first spill really affected him, too.  I think he was worried about me, because the first thing I said to him after I got my breath was "I thought I died".  (He thought he was going to die, too.)  We both have had slight fevers for abt. 3 days also.  I'm not so sure it was worth all this!  I'm sorry I keep talking about it, but it really made an impression!

As for exploring the psyche, for which you asked fresh ideas -- I don't think I have anything new to give.  I suppose everyone has their own methods though.  Usually I find that trying to explore makes the knowledge elusive, but if I just drift along in my usual way, keeping myself as open as I can, intuitive knowledge seeps in.  Sometimes, it seems to come directly, and sometimes, no, it just kind of sneaks up on me.

 I have a friend who has been in analysis for 2 years.  Since I never could afford to be (and I'm also not sure I'd want to be) I like to hear little tidbits about her self-discoveries.  (I don't know if I could stand all that concentrated knowledge about my horrible self!)  Usually, I like to take her little insights and file them way mentally for my own use in situations later on.   I file them under, "Wacko, heal thyself!"  The self-discoveries seem to center around 3 emotions -- fear, anger, guilt.  It seems we are to ask ourselves constantly why am I afraid?  Why am I angry?  Why do I feel guilty?  As for fear, I think sometimes it's a protection.  Regina says absolutely NO!  (It's just an impediment to a fuller life.)  What do you think?  I think we need a few impediments.  My philosophy seminar entitled FREEDOM succeeded unconvincing me that it doesn't really exist! (But my seminar on Death did not have the same effect!)  I suppose there are degrees of freedom. Everyone has their own idea of what a cage is!  I know that all this is strictly incoherent, but since my ideas on these things are only nebulous (at best, even)_, I guess they really aren't in a state to be conveyed?  (But, of course, I won't be quiet yet!)  As for anger, I feel that I should really repress that -- no matter what anyone says.  I hate to fight with people.  Guilt seems tied up with this in a complicated way, too.  Regina says her shrink tells her to "forgive herself", and I can see that it's necessary to an extent -- just so you can live with yourself, but I don't think it should be too automatic.

Oh well, I've rambled on long enough, I think.  Take care of Tweety.

P.S.  I wish I could get more interested in non-fiction sometimes, but some of it strikes me as less real than fiction.  Non-fiction appears flawed to me in that whatever reality it communicates is diffused by "the facts" impeding the essence.

May 8, 1975 (Letter from Renee)

I received your letter yesterday, and since I have a few extra minutes in my study hall, I decided to answer your letter promptly.  I was very distressed to hear about the unfortunate accident Dale experienced.  I am sure that it created some emotional scars for him and for your family that will be a long time in healing.  In a way I really feel sorry for the kids that came after us in school because they had so many more pressures placed upon them, and the times are most difficult for young people to cope with.  Your letter was full of insights and some wisdom gained from experience of the years we spent in high school.  Gosh, looking back to that time of my life I am remembering how confused, frustrated and at times unhappy I felt with my situation.  It seems as though as I grow older my (our) problems become easier to cope with rather than more difficult. I've learned so much in the last few years and I know that I'm still "growing up".  One of the things that I was so upset about all thru h.s. and college years, I've finally learned to overcome.  I used to kick myself for doing things for others that I didn't want to do or need to do.  I was so afraid of people not liking me that I went to great lengths to prove my "undying friendship".  I've learned to 1) like myself more, 2) feel more confident and secure with my own ideas and opinions -- and most of all 3) I've learned to do what I want to do first.  Morrey has really helped me to be come (I feel)( a better person, and to express my feelings both positive and negative without being afraid of hurting someone's feelings or of saying the wrong thing.

I don't know Paul, but I look at it this way.  The good "old" days were fun -- but "today" is better and tomorrow holds much in store for me.  Morrey and I are both that way.  We enjoyed good times in the past but we wouldn't necessarily want to go back to the past because the present is (for us) much much better!  Enough of Prof Renee's philosophies for now!

Let's see.  We've been super busy lately.  They painted our apt and it is taking us quite a while to put it all back together   We bought some new furniture -- in fact, this is the first time we've been able to replace our "early attic-late basement" junk with quality furniture and I am pleased   Morrey got a pool table and he's delighted to play to his heart's content.  We'll probably live in an apt for another 2-3 years cause 1) we like where we are, 2) we hate moving, &3 who in hell's name can afford a house these days.

I am glad that school is almost over cause the kids are starting to get to me.  Each year they seem to be more immature than the year before.  I'm getting kinda of antsy to quit my job here in Arlington cause 1) the administration is lousy,  2) I'm getting bored teaching the same stuff every year.  I hope to quit in another year or two and go back full time for a masters.  In 2 more years Morrey should be doing pretty well as a salesman and perhaps we can be somewhat free of financial worries or obligations.  Maybe I'm just restless now cause it's spring and I don't really like being cooped up in the same place with the same sort of routine day in and day out.  It sounded to me as if you were experiencing the Montana Brand of spring fever too.

We've no special plans for the summer. . Hope to go to the cottage for the 4th of July.  I might go to Boston for 1 week w/ a friend from school.  We're really involved in too many things in Cols. to think about going away.  We're in a bowling league, and Morrey plays softball twice a week.  I'm going to take macrame lessons, and piano lessons.  I'm going to tutor some kids this summer too. Morrey invited me to spend a few days on the road w/ him so that I can see how he works and what he has to deal with in his job.  Should be interesting -- and besides it means I'll get to have a nice lunch w/ my hubby everyday at the company's expense.  Not bad.

Well Paul, the bell is going to ring so I have to go.

Be well and take care.

P.S.  I just finished Erica Jong's Fear of Flying and thought it was fantastic.  It really gives insight into woman's view of her role in life (sexual and otherwise).

April 23, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

First -- a burning question -- have you yet found your comb?  (Imagine Tweety being ill-groomed -- it definitely doesn't fit the image.)

You asked me to comment at length on the change in your letters since September...actually I don't know what the difference is, but I'll try.  You spoke of often dropping a subject too soon before you've finished with it.  I think you did that more then than you do now.  I don't think you are consciously being secretive, either, but it's a natural thing to do, I thin.  Also, I think it's just that there's always a loss of concrete description about whatever it is that's closest to our hear and spirit.

Sometimes when I'm writing something down that I feel deeply about, all the words come into my mind at once and I don't ever get them all down and once they're gone they never come back.  So I have to either try to improvise a general feeling, or just drop it.  Do you know what I mean?  And after that you can "ponder these things on your heart" forever but only you will know what you feel.

So, I don't think you're being secretive.  Lots of times I say things that are really only approximations of what I really want to say but what can you do?  You just try to approximate as closely as you can, I suppose.

As for your looking too deeply into life -- never can anyone ever, I don't think.  There are just such a vast number of levels that although we can never get to the core, it would be so dull to just take everything at face value.  You are right to attempt to avoid this as you said -- I mean why should the majority be correct?  When were they ever before?

As for your being a "lone wolf" -- I really think every man is by virtue of what has been said above. Each person has so many levels of feeling, intelligence, etc that it is simply impossible to communicate with another,  Even the solidarity of man's nature (if, indeed he even has a common nature) can only go so far to let him touch others.  It's very frightening to feel alone like this, to me, anyway -- does it scare you?

There are times when we all really want and actually need to be alone to sort ourselves out but sometimes don't you feel that when you're with someone who understands you to a great extent that you can see more of yourself as a result of interaction with that other being?  T hat's what I meant in one of my early letters about needing people to be around.  (And also what I meant by the levels of others we would never ever know about -- no matter how long or well we knew them.

I sometimes think language is a detriment to man -- a wrong turn in evolution.  I hate the philosophy people who concentrate on this aspect of man and argue semantics and logical equations back and forth.  What is it their hope to accomplish?  What can they possibly understand by all this?

I feel that primitive man must have lost some of his gift of communication by touch, look, smell, etc when the first word was uttered.  Man may have developed a communication of souls and spirits if this had not occurred.  Do you think I'm crazy?  Just think of all the empty words we waste on each other when -- (if our minds develop on this way) we could someday discern a really deep level or two of another person by just thinking of them or something.  You know?  Well, anyway -- look at me and all the words I'm wasting.

I've got to get ready for work now -- so I'll stop for awhile.

25 April, 1975 -- Hello.  I just got back from Shadyside and since I had to wait in pouring cats and dogs rain for exactly 45 minutes for a bus (achooo!) I'm not making myself a cup of tea and honey (no sugar, please notice) and I'm writing to my good friend, tweet.

I spent over $25 on weaving yarn.  I'm such a disgrace -- (almost as bad as Paul Nelson when he's in the vicinity of a record store, huh?)   I just couldn't resist all those colors and textures, and since it was such a dreary day today, they looked even more tempting.  Oh well, I have to make some wall hanging -- three of my friends are getting married in Sept.  On Sept 6th Ange and Rich Miller are getting married (not to each other).  Since one wedding is in Phila and the other is in Trenton I guess I'll have to miss one of them and since I'm in Ange's; the choice seems already made.  I really feel obligated to make something for Rich since he made me a really nice wooden box with a tapestry top in October.  The funny thing about this is that Sharon (a girl to whom Rich was once engaged) is also getting married -- two weeks later.  It's odd for me, since none of my friends are married -- now, at least, I'll have some company (although it's not a case of "misery").

I'm  sure that you're asleep by now -- so I'll shut-up about the above.

I've been wondering -- do you look the same as when I last saw you?  I do hope you still have your beard and mustache.  I think you look awfully nice with them.

Today I also went to Oakland and had to go to Pitt's bookstore.  It certainly has changed!  (for the worse -- less interesting stuff) while there I saw Immroth.  He's looking very nice and lots healthier.

The reason for my being there was to pick up my "MLS hood".  I had to buy one for work (it's such a farce -- I have to dress in academic robes for graduation and several other functions so I decided to buy the thing for $15 instead of renting it for $5 every time they have something (which is quite often).  It's funny, how the less truly good a school seems to be -- the more value they place on the rituals.  They have all sorts of "Honors Convocations" to pat themselves on the back for every little award that a student might receive.  They even have everyone come who has been accepted at grad school!  (Of course, this may really be an achievement since they are now getting away from SHC and will have reason to shout joy!

By the way -- what ever happened to those sample journal entries that you were going to send me? I especially remember you mentioned ones that you'd send separately which intrigued me.  I'd still like to see them.  (If you'd still like me to see them.)_

Anyway, take care.

January 27, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

Enclosed, pleased find 7 (1-cent) stamps which you have received as a prize for out-witting the U.S. Postal Service!  (Actually, only 6, since one was partially canceled out and I did not notice it until now.)  I suggest Elmer's glue for these, or clear rubber cement.  Notice -- there is a $300 fine for doing this (I doubt that it's ever been enforced, though.)

Enclosed, also, please find a sweet little bird which made me think of you, Tweet.  I just loved the muted tones and colors and thought you might, too.  Sorry I had to fold him up, but if you want, you can iron him (very lightly).

The idea of talking to you seems a very exciting prospect but I must, in good conscience  dissuade you from such an un-Spartan-like use of your sheckels!  Now that my conscience has been assuaged... Actually, I'm afraid to have you spend all that money money when I will not have anything worthwhile to say.  (like last time!)

Someone's on the phone..excuse...It was Brook's mom.  She wants me to go with her to the bank and deposit $50 in our savings account so she can get another free silverware serving.  So, first I have to get a $50 check cashed.  Myeer!  I'll be back in about 2 hrs.

Hello, again!  Here I am, back from my jaunt.

Anyhow -- if you do decide to call, I suppose you should know when I won't be home.  So these are my hours.  I work every other weekend (Sat 9-4 and Sun 1-10) and on these days am away from home (Sat 7:30-6:00, Sunday 11:15 to 11:00).  On weekends when I work, I have the Friday and Monday around them off.  I work every Tues, Wed, and Thurs.  My Thurs hours are the same as when I work on Saturdays and on Tues I work from 1-10 (out from 11:15 to 11:00) on Wednesday (praise the Lord!) I don't have to be in until 3:40 so I leave at 3 o'clock.

Now that you have absolutely no idea of what I'm talking about, I suppose I'll stop.  Out of this entire nonsense paragraph, I feel that since you are off on Wed that would be a good day to call. Let me know if and when you decide to so I will be here and not at Murphy's or something.

I agree with you about being able to concentrate on things that you want to happen.  It seems just a matter of mind and will.  I have done that a few times, but I usually do it only for things that I feel are extremely important -- i.e., will affect my life completely -- all facets.  Maybe you'll think I'm crazy, but I feel that this type of relationship between mind and will is one of the rep-requisites for gaining perfection in prayer.  I never could believe that if God were God as we know Him -- that this all-perfect force in the Universe, could be used as a pawn merely by our imperfect and feeble intercessions.  What a disappointment I would feel if He were like that!

Rather, I feel that He (if a force can be personal) "wants" us to meditate in order to direct all of our potential energy towards what we need to become.  Our concentration in such matters serves to motivate us -- even if only in attitude and expectancy -- to do that which we want.  I believe in man's total free will but of course, since I also believe in fate, I think that the "love" of this force guides us into situations where we can be most useful.  And, if we don't make the best of them, then we are unhappy within ourselves.  I know that there are many external causes of unhappiness but I attribute them to a lack in others, which is re-directed back to the people around then, i.e., someones hates an ex-con because he fears him.  This fear produces the hate because the person lacks -- not only an assurance within himself that someone guides the Universe (for better or worse) and maybe puts him here for a reason but he also lacks the will and the spiritual resources to cope with a situation which may be difficult for anyone, but especially difficult for the person of impoverished ideas.  He lacks every desire to take up his responsibility for the rest of men and if the whole of mankind doesn't cooperate in this enterprise -- the eternal unhappiness increases in proportion to the decrease of men willing to be truly free and responsible.  The internal happiness or unhappiness we feel, then is inherently attached to the external and one must always affect the other in some respect.  -(depending on how much the person wishes to admit that they are connected).  Most people won't.  They think they are separate and can exist freely separately.  This seems ludicrous to me.

Of course, Grayce is very good in the talk department, but she doesn't always cut the mustard in deed.  Actually, I'm trying to reconcile the philosophies of Kierkegaard and Sartre, and to come up with a livable ethical code which will also allow for me to believe in a God -- of some kind, anyway, -- this is very nearly impossible, but never let it be said that I did no try!

Wake up!  Paulie!  I promise to come down now.  I think I actually miss having a philosophy course or two to push my thoughts around.  You should be very grateful that I also write to Rich Miller and that he gets the bulk of this, because if it weren't  for him I'd be assembling all this stuff on you!  (I daren't write to many people about this because my sanity is none too well thought of and I wouldn't like to risk having to be committed!)  At least, Rich writes his mutterings back to me and we share equally the burden of boredom.

Now -- to go from the sublime to the ridiculous -- the weather her has been absolutely mad!  One day it's 70 and the next day it snows.  I may start believing that the end is near pretty soon if some rhyme or reason does not show its face.

Unfortunately, I had to work the Sunday of the Super Bowl and you can be certain that here was no orgy at Seton Hill!

Well, I guess this is enough torture for one letter for you.  Take care.

October 4, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

Let me begin by answering your questions...(and let you begin by feeling the proper guilt for not having answered all of mine!) -- actually, I'm only jesting -- although I would be quite pleased if only you could tell me your opinion about fate (please?!?).  I know I am a terrible pest (mea culpa, etc.), but if only the kind gentle man (may I sop here and tell you -- yes I do have some point to make, only wait a few more seconds...) what a perfectly (oh well, almost perfectly, I supposed no one is really perfect -- I mean within reason) kind and thoughtful  person you are to take an interest in that woman.  This is the kind of thing you can't say in person very well, so I'm  happy that I can write it.  (Sorry to be writing on the wrong side of this, but what with the paper shortage )

So anyway, please comply (or be pestered completely!  (abt. fate, I mean).

Now (finally and with no more ado!) your questions:  1) tete-a-tete; 2) no, you did not tell me why Pgh was a fantasyland for you.  Why?; 3) no, I never (hardly ever, maybe) capitalize library science -- which brings me to the next question -- #4 ("What is your actual opinion of library science as a career? Be truthful now.")

Let me ask you if you have ever read Plato's Republic?  In it there is a discussion of the real and the unreal.  Plato feels that for each thing on earth there is some perfection which is being imitated.  (i.e.) If there is a chair on earth it is really only a chair, while the chair (or chairness) is somewhere else and being the only perfect chair nothing matches it -- although all good chairs aspire (to different degrees, naturally).  These perfections are form (essential forms of goodness).

Now -- he tells an allegory of a cave into which prisoners are taken (that's us Tweet).  They are forced to sit facing one of the walls.  In back of them (and they can never turn around) there is a "stage" where things and people can be.  They can move and be moved.  No -- I'm sorry.  The people and things are actually in front of the prisoners, but it happens that they are hidden from the prisoners by a roaring fire which comes between the 2 groups.  

Naturally, the fire casts a shadow of the people and things behind it onto  the wall which the prisoners face.  They see only the image and not the real and the recognize the image as the reality.

If they were released from those chains it would perplex them to be confronted with reality.  It would be painful, but it would be "worth it" since they would experience wisdom.

The last thing to be perceived in the world of knowledge is the essential form of goodness (true reality).  Without this, wisdom is not possible, so it is necessary to detach appearances and reality.

Therefore -- library science seems fit to relegate to the realm of the image (the shadow  rather than being anything real.  It appears to be a passive, menial "profession" with very little to offer one who wants to perform a real function.  It does not seem to be the type of work an activist could be attached to, being so staid and dry.

We -- as librarians -- are confined, it seems to me that we realized this before though, if not consciously, then at least in a small subconscious way.  We just hoped for more, you know?  I suppose to finish the comparison, we are kept from really doing (as the prisoners are kept from really seeing).  If we were given a chance to act maybe we wouldn't be up to accepting it -- or maybe we just wouldn't know what to do.

It would further seem that we could free ourselves but that this would involve hardship ($ not mental) and also what else would we do?

I don't know if this makes any sense at all, really.  At this point I'm hardly the person who would be stable enough to see anything like this clearly and you are probably all ready to have me escorted (white jackets, etc.) to the nearest looney bin.

I suppose my job is not too bad.  It is very hectic and I'm not exactly bored.  But by exactly bored I mean that it's frustrating in many ways.  It certainly is a far cry from what I've ever had planned as a lifework for myself.  I sometimes just stop and wonder just what the hell I'm doing at that place where nuns and only other women abound (I like to talk to men once in awhile and I'm sick of hearing about the guys at Vincent's - Seton Hill's brother school).  Every girl at Seton Hill dates someone from Vincent's -- how quaint! how parochial!!

Seton Hill is a cookie factory -- where almost (I have met some very interesting people) everyone is awfully similar.  It's just depressing   It is also a place where not to much (or no) independent or creative thought of any kind is appreciated.  (Do you know that I stapled something in an "unorthodox" way and had to remove all the stuff I did and change it.  I mean how mundane can you get?)  Also I am in charge of reserves which is a realllll pain (and not only an apparent one!)

I certainly sound mean.  I do the vertical file (subject headings, acquisitions, etc.) which I enjoy but hardly ever get to touch because of "priorities".  I also "do" the picture collection which I have never done 'cause of the above.

Also (last but certainly not least) I do the library statistics!  (And nI am not so good at it, either!) and I get to copy them all very neatly into a ledger -- a real scrivener!

(Ah Bartleby!  Ah, humanity!

I'm certainly being good company, well -- anyway, Bev seems quite thrilled about her job, so I suppose there's some good in it.  She (and you, too) are at least on your own.  Although I shouldn't complain 'cause I'm definitely learning something from the 2 people I work with.  (If it's of value remains to be seen,m of course!)

I don't know, I just hope things turn out all right.  (That's the trouble with being brought up Catholic -- always hoping for miracles.  Maybe I should move to New York and hang around 34th Street?)

This week has been been going pretty well -- actually (and surprisingly).  Yesterday, I got to see Diane (who had an interview at the Phila Customs House where I used to work!) for dinner.  It was so nice, almost like old times.  She is staying with Bev in Delaware.   (Bev works at Delaware State Hosp.)  It would really be nice if Diane got this job.  I hope she does; it's really a neat place to be.  Only 1 block from the wharfs -- really picturesque.  Also, she wants to be near home but not too near, so this would fit in.

I took the bus home (horrors!) on Wed.  I met the most intriguing person.  This guy from London who was traveling across America by thumb and by bus.  Her certainly was nice and we talked (nonstop) for seven hours.  When Phila came, (he was going to N.Y.) we had dinner and I felt as though I were leaving an old friend when we kissed goodbye.  It was very strange, but very nice.  He said that parts of my Philadelphia accent were borrowed from very high class (snobby) English, and he was amazed that he was hearing this in America.  (Imagine that!)  I suppose I shall have to tone that down!  (If I ever went to England it wouldn't help because I could never be mistaken for class!)

I think we've miscommunicated about perceiving what others really feel and think.  I do believe it can be done and I feel I often do it, but I wonder if what we think is the subconscious thought or feeling which we are viewing is really only another coverup.  Or a calculated thing?

That's really what made me take up reading cards.  Not so much to inform the other person of himself, but often to inform myself about the other person.  There are insights to be gotten from not only the information the cards give, but also the reactions the person has to what the card say.   These insights are not otherwise readily available for view in any form, let alone a form so easily discernible.

What? -- oh, never mind;  it's a vicious circle.

Right now I am very happy about the wedding and I thank you for you good wishes.  I'm most excited about going to New England this week because I know it will be gorgeous.  I'm sorry to go on about this but It's the only thing (violins, softly  which I have had to look forward to for the past few months.

Please do send me come smpale of your writing if you wish to, ok?  I would like it very much.  Take care now.

P.S.  I haven't seen Kate or spoken to her.  Everytime I call her she seems to be out.  I will say "hello" to her for you when I finally do get to see her.

September 10, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

Your organization ("I keep all the letter I have received in ring-bound notebooks") constantly amazes me!  Never again do I wish to be poked fun at about "urgent".  I have been painting all night and am really tired.  It is not a good way to begin a letter, as a matter of fact, this is really absurd, but I think I'm going to stop now and do this tomorrow when I can give it my full attention (see: how important I consider you?!).  Good night....

11 September 1974 -- Well, this is much better.  From your letter you certainly seem to be adjusting rather well to your new environment   I didn't know that polar bears were quite so versatile!  (Maybe it's that cooler climate bringing out your inherent qualities.

Today was a very nostalgic day.  I had a doctor's appointment in Oakland -- so decided to stop by at GSLIS first to see Mr. Lee (who wasn't in -- as usual).  Dr. Kolish was out also, but I did see Mr. Wray  and all the secretaries and Dr. Immroth was so nice to me.  He really looks fine, ans says he's doing well.  I'm so proud of him.  He's really a nice person, but I worried about this way of life.  You know, he actually looks 10 years younger?

I saw Ray Martin.  He said "hello".  I also saw the new batch of students in the library, lounge, etc.  None, of course, quite as precocious as we.  My doctor is on the 500 block of N. Neville -- so -- (my ever-failing sense of direction leading me) -- I decided it must be 1 block up from where you used to live and over 2 blocks.  Guess again.  I passed old "lacucaracha heaven" on Melwood and from there on it took me 1/2 hour to find the good doctor.  Oh well...

Send me a picture of "typical Montana".  I know I shall never see it in person, except by maybe a weird twist of fate.  Speaking of fate -- how do you feel about it?  I love it, actually sometimes.  I guess that's why I like Hardy.  Sometimes things seem awfully controlled to me, you know?  I mean, there are endless possibilities to a situation and it seems as though the possibility that occurs always fits in with another possibility occurring along the parallel of what's happening.  I kind of wonder if possibilities count at all, or if they're just put there by the Practical Joker (Melville's idea of God is certainly bizarre, but maybe  it's true?) to make us think there are endless possibilities?  I don't know, obviously another thing that's been bothering me lately -- human emotion.   Maybe I've always previously had the good fortune to meet simple, open people -- but I always felt that human emotion was a very transparent thing -- or at least translucent.  But lately (as far back as a few years ago, really) it seems much more opaque.  I mean, I didn't always feel that feelings were bared consistently or without guard exactly, but merely that they were fairly easy to discern.  I felt that I could glean from expressions, glances, gestures what a person felt, or at least a slight approximation of their emotion -- not an empathy because I feel that that is very rare and not even consistent among very close people.  But I dont' feel it so much anymore.  Even in people with whom  I've formerly felt it -- only sometimes.  I feel that there are layers and layers of depths and each has to be peeled.  I'll bet even when you reach the core there's something hidden -- a little seed that is impossible to open.  Oh, listen to me (or rather, don't).  See what happens when you get involved with philosophy majors!  They're a bizarre crew!

Anyway to make a long story short (although I never do), I just know that there are some things (both about ourselves and others) that we just can never know!  It's just beyond our reach.  I just got the full impact of that, maybe I'm just slow.  That must be it...I'm just newsy -- I want to know everything.

I'm going to change the subject completely for some good news -- Bev got a job!!!  Only I don't know where -- I just got a phone message that she called while I was out.  I'll let you know what's what as soon as I know.  I'm glad; she was really miserable these past few weeks.  Diane is still looking but she seems fairly calm -- I have never seen Diane worry past the point of just saying "I'm worried" -- I mean, no nervous mannerisms, etc.  Very stable, wish I could imitate!

By the way, I've just decided that you are not allowed to move anywhere for another two years -- at least   I have 3 addresses for you in my address book and if you move once more you will ruin everything, so STAY STILL!!!  (ok?)  (pick, pick, pick)  Maybe someone will give us an address book for a wedding present -- one that has interchangeable spots for addresses.  I mean it -- my friends are vagabonds.  I myself have had only 6 addresses in my life (and most were summer).  Why can't people follow this good example?  (heh, heh)

Did I tell you that I got no duplicates of anything at my shower?  (which was held regardless of the fact that I explicitly stated that there was to be none!)  The noive!  Anyway -- sorry -- no toaster oven will be arriving for you (I didn't get one either, don't cry, tweety!)  We'll see what happens with wedding presents -- I give you fair warning though -- don't expect any address books -- I need all of those that I can get!

This job is really hectic!  The director is a nice woman, but very disorganized and she has all of us a wreck.  I keep reminding myself that this job is not worth killing myself over-- but my brain can't seem to get the message straight -- I'll probably have 3 ulcers by April (if I last that long!)  I'm in charge of "Reserves" (oh, joy!), also picture file and vertical file (neither of which have I even seen yet -- they being what I'm interested mostly in!)  I had forgotten what it was like to be under a nun's wing.  (Oh only that it could have remained forgotten.)

In high school I gradually lost all respect for Catholicism per se -- in college I found (in Phil and Theo  a reason to respect it again -- to actually like it, even and to hold it dear again.  I have a penguin's chance in hell of keeping this here.  This place is really provincial (I can understand why your friend Barb left.)  I can't wait til Oct 3rd so I can come here only to work.  It seemed like an ivory tower -- now it seems like prison.  Stifling is too good a word.  I can't say what I feel about the job yet because I haven't gotten accustomed to ti or to all the people yet.  It will take at least 2 months, if not longer.  (myeer!)

You know, I really wish I had a job like yours -- it seems interesting, but with so many insights to get.  I suppose it will never happen -- but maybe, meanwhile you'll have to tell me all about it -- ok?  Everything -- even little thoughts you have about it.  Do you mind?  If so, tell me.  You probably think me such a pest.  I'm sorry.

I hope you are well, and not lonely out there.  But you like to be alone, huh?  But not always?  Have you written anymore dreams lately?  What does your place look like (colors, etc).  Is it large?  Polar bears should have room for their coat to breathe.