April 23, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

First -- a burning question -- have you yet found your comb?  (Imagine Tweety being ill-groomed -- it definitely doesn't fit the image.)

You asked me to comment at length on the change in your letters since September...actually I don't know what the difference is, but I'll try.  You spoke of often dropping a subject too soon before you've finished with it.  I think you did that more then than you do now.  I don't think you are consciously being secretive, either, but it's a natural thing to do, I thin.  Also, I think it's just that there's always a loss of concrete description about whatever it is that's closest to our hear and spirit.

Sometimes when I'm writing something down that I feel deeply about, all the words come into my mind at once and I don't ever get them all down and once they're gone they never come back.  So I have to either try to improvise a general feeling, or just drop it.  Do you know what I mean?  And after that you can "ponder these things on your heart" forever but only you will know what you feel.

So, I don't think you're being secretive.  Lots of times I say things that are really only approximations of what I really want to say but what can you do?  You just try to approximate as closely as you can, I suppose.

As for your looking too deeply into life -- never can anyone ever, I don't think.  There are just such a vast number of levels that although we can never get to the core, it would be so dull to just take everything at face value.  You are right to attempt to avoid this as you said -- I mean why should the majority be correct?  When were they ever before?

As for your being a "lone wolf" -- I really think every man is by virtue of what has been said above. Each person has so many levels of feeling, intelligence, etc that it is simply impossible to communicate with another,  Even the solidarity of man's nature (if, indeed he even has a common nature) can only go so far to let him touch others.  It's very frightening to feel alone like this, to me, anyway -- does it scare you?

There are times when we all really want and actually need to be alone to sort ourselves out but sometimes don't you feel that when you're with someone who understands you to a great extent that you can see more of yourself as a result of interaction with that other being?  T hat's what I meant in one of my early letters about needing people to be around.  (And also what I meant by the levels of others we would never ever know about -- no matter how long or well we knew them.

I sometimes think language is a detriment to man -- a wrong turn in evolution.  I hate the philosophy people who concentrate on this aspect of man and argue semantics and logical equations back and forth.  What is it their hope to accomplish?  What can they possibly understand by all this?

I feel that primitive man must have lost some of his gift of communication by touch, look, smell, etc when the first word was uttered.  Man may have developed a communication of souls and spirits if this had not occurred.  Do you think I'm crazy?  Just think of all the empty words we waste on each other when -- (if our minds develop on this way) we could someday discern a really deep level or two of another person by just thinking of them or something.  You know?  Well, anyway -- look at me and all the words I'm wasting.

I've got to get ready for work now -- so I'll stop for awhile.

25 April, 1975 -- Hello.  I just got back from Shadyside and since I had to wait in pouring cats and dogs rain for exactly 45 minutes for a bus (achooo!) I'm not making myself a cup of tea and honey (no sugar, please notice) and I'm writing to my good friend, tweet.

I spent over $25 on weaving yarn.  I'm such a disgrace -- (almost as bad as Paul Nelson when he's in the vicinity of a record store, huh?)   I just couldn't resist all those colors and textures, and since it was such a dreary day today, they looked even more tempting.  Oh well, I have to make some wall hanging -- three of my friends are getting married in Sept.  On Sept 6th Ange and Rich Miller are getting married (not to each other).  Since one wedding is in Phila and the other is in Trenton I guess I'll have to miss one of them and since I'm in Ange's; the choice seems already made.  I really feel obligated to make something for Rich since he made me a really nice wooden box with a tapestry top in October.  The funny thing about this is that Sharon (a girl to whom Rich was once engaged) is also getting married -- two weeks later.  It's odd for me, since none of my friends are married -- now, at least, I'll have some company (although it's not a case of "misery").

I'm  sure that you're asleep by now -- so I'll shut-up about the above.

I've been wondering -- do you look the same as when I last saw you?  I do hope you still have your beard and mustache.  I think you look awfully nice with them.

Today I also went to Oakland and had to go to Pitt's bookstore.  It certainly has changed!  (for the worse -- less interesting stuff) while there I saw Immroth.  He's looking very nice and lots healthier.

The reason for my being there was to pick up my "MLS hood".  I had to buy one for work (it's such a farce -- I have to dress in academic robes for graduation and several other functions so I decided to buy the thing for $15 instead of renting it for $5 every time they have something (which is quite often).  It's funny, how the less truly good a school seems to be -- the more value they place on the rituals.  They have all sorts of "Honors Convocations" to pat themselves on the back for every little award that a student might receive.  They even have everyone come who has been accepted at grad school!  (Of course, this may really be an achievement since they are now getting away from SHC and will have reason to shout joy!

By the way -- what ever happened to those sample journal entries that you were going to send me? I especially remember you mentioned ones that you'd send separately which intrigued me.  I'd still like to see them.  (If you'd still like me to see them.)_

Anyway, take care.

January 27, 1975 (Letter from Sue)

At long last, here is my long-overdue letter.  (And the book -- give me you reactions -- I'm curious whether a non-Montrealer will receive the same impact as did I.)

Well, things are never boring here.  Just after New Years, our part was ransacked -- the thief made away w/ my Pentax, which is about the only possession we have, anyway, and Bart's immigration papers.  Happy New Year.  Too bad -- I was just beginning to get into photog.  But thems' the breaks, I guess.

Still don't know about the job.  I have an appt w/ Immigration on Thurs. and will find out then.  The whole thing bores me stiff by now.  But I will persevere!  (for awhile anyway.)

I have been seeing a lot of "flicks" lately.  One of the universities very near to us has an excellent film program -- 75 cents too.  They've had a D. W. Griffith retrospective (in honor of D.W.'s 100th) -- it was very interesting as I've never seen any of his stuff.  Missed the biggies, Birth of a Nation and Intolerance  but saw Orphans of the Storm, complete with a very lovely Lillian Gish as well as a "pussy-footing Robespierre"!  Griffith's montage effects -- the "Griffith sequence" or whatever it's called, are very effective -- lot of suspense.

Yesterday there was a Stan Brakhage festival -- with Stan himself in person.  Fortunately, he was there, or I probably wouldn't have understood a quarter of what he is trying to do (in terms of "document" art, capturing all aspects of "sight").  He is a very unassuming guy, very unpretentious, wit a very kind and articulate manner.  I remember that Immorth told me he lived (?) with him awhile when Brakhage was in Pittsburgh.  (Surely you know of his famous "Pittsburgh Trilogy!"  I didn't, before yesterday!)  What do you know, and what is your opinion, of Brakhage?  I've always heard of him as an important underground filmmaker, but till yesterday knew nada.

Also saw Godfather II which provokes mixed feelings.  Think what Coppola is trying to show in terms of degeneration and power corruption is excellent, but story line and motivation need to be tightened up.  Saw the Emigrants and The New Land (together on a double bill -- quite a viewing feat) just after God. II and it provides an interesting contrast of 2 different periods of immigration as well as 2 different types (rural vs. urban settlement).  I'm sure you've seen them -- what's your opinion?  The other film I've seen recently is Fellini's Amarcord which I liked, with reservations -- it's a little too broad-humored (pun intended) for my taste (pun not intended!)  Maybe it's my Puritan background, but big-breasted women don't make me fall off my chair with laughter!

Now that I've gloated over all the "cinema" available in this cultural center -- what are you up to?  It must be Coldsvilles, U.S.A. in Deer Lodge.  (It has been -15 here!)  Unthinkable!  How is the job -- still freeform?  Hope so -- I know how rebellious you'd become if your freedom were curtailed, and I'd hate to hear you were incarcerated for insubordination!  Didn't you tell me they have Wed. night movies at the prison?  What sort of films?

Has your friend from Boston come to brighten your days and nights.  If so, how are things working out?  I'm sure your heart is going pitty-pat at the sight of an Eastern face again!

Got a letter from Wendell a few weeks ago -- he told me "Forsman left under a cloud".  How intriguing!  I am simply consumed with curiosity!!  He also told me, sadly, that Lancour and Kolish have both had health problems recently.  I guess Lancour had a mild heart attack and Dr. Kolish must be having more of the same problems she had before.

Oh -- I spent a week in NYC at N.Y. Eve time.  Hard-hearted that I am, I left Bart in Montreal as he was sick and had a lot of studying to do.  But I had a simply gala time!  I stayed with Anne (you've met her_ -- who is just back from 7 months in France *and having some problems of readjustment, bien sur).  New York is such an infinite sort of place, don't you think?  Just everything, good and evil, is there.  I fell in love with Little Italy.  It seemed so authentically ethnic -- also very reminiscent of part of North Beach in S.F.  I wouldn't mind living there, should I decided to try to get my bite of the Big Apple.

Apropos of which, I received a letter recently from Elaine -- she hadn't written before as she'd really had a truckload of problems.  Her husband had had some sort of enlarged lymph nodes and they were very worried -- the tests, etc. were dragged out for months, but everything turned out OK as the growths were benign.  What a relief -- I hate to think of Elaine under such psychological pressure -- as we've agreed (you and I) so many times, she is such a tip-top sort of woman.

Anyway -- she sent me a bunch of addresses of library director friends of hers in various Long Island locales -- so if I do decide to return stateside, there will be a lead.

I'm enclosing a clipping re the origins of Halloween which you were grumbling about in your last letter.   (My God -- Halloween -- it's only 3 months ago -- I am a procrastinator!)

Well, shall warp this up for this time.  Write soon -- letters are the boon of my existence.  Hope the hot and cold water faucet of your life (your analogy) maintains an even temperature (but what would you do if, as in our apt bldg, they shut the hot water off?  Hmmmmm?!)

P.S.  Thanks again for you Noel phone call -- it was a bright addition to the holiday season!

September 15, 1974 (Letter from Sue)

My dear Pole --

And I don't mean from Warsaw!  I am ever so sorry not to have written long 'ere this.  I was overjoyed to receive your long, long letter ('way back last July!) with its detailed and descriptive account of ALA.  Apparently "something" did happen to Phil there-- they way I herd it (from Grant, when I passed through Pittsburgh in August) was that Phil did "something unmentionable", though Grant doesn't know what.  I'm consumed with curiosity -- what could it be?

I was sorry to miss you, both in Pittsburgh and in Warren -- I guess your father told you that I called -- I just didn't know when we would get to Pgh -- we had a steaming radiator in Nevada and had to spend some time getting it fixed, etc.

Anyway, I heard that some prison library in Montana was trying to get in touch with you!  For all I know, you could be there now!  (I met a guy recently who graduated from SUNY Albany and who was the libn at Comstock.)  At any rate, I have a feeling that you're gainfully employed as of now (which is more than I can say for myself -- all in good time, I always say.)

Where are you and what are you doing?!  And what of the others -- I spoke to Michael on the phone in Aug -- and he agreed w/ me that U. Maryland is an elitist institution, but other than that, I haven't heard a breath of news (gossip?) since I heard from you and Janet in July.

I'm especially curious about Carmelle -- do you know what she's up to?  I wonder if she's still w/ Gregg -- do you know?

Also -- Paul, you sounded sort of forlorn w/ regard to your penchant for attached women -- (do you think it could be a defense? -- I don't mean to give you a lot of psychoanalytical nonsense, truly I don't -- but do you think it's a defense, a coincidence, that you tend to "fall for" women w/ prior commitments?).  I didn't know you felt so strongly about Grayce.  I always thought she felt that way about you -- though I confess to knowing nothing, except what you've told me, about her own state of independence or lack thereof -- I just had always had a feeling that she "had a crush" on you.  The old pitter-pat, pitter, pat.

For heaven's sake -- of course there's someone "out there" who is not already married, engaged, living w/ someone, a lesbian, or anything else in that category which seems to deny access, one individual to another (of course, some of us don't' believe in that category  but I admit, there are limitations).   Anyway, I think it's always hard to find that one mate -- a companion who can fulfill so many areas of one's life.  Some -- a lot -- of people spend their lives looking for the all-encompassing, multifaceted, soul-mate -- I don't' think any person can satisfy all of one's needs - do you?

I understand what you say about Leslie, though -- if it's not there, it's not there, though I'm sure it's not easy to break those old ties.

I've been reading a lot of Canadian fiction lately (a body of literature largely unknown up there, though it's lately come to surface).  There's a writer I think you'd particularly like -- Brian Moore -- his origins are Irish, and he now lives in sunny Calif -- but he's a naturalized Canadian citizen.  Just read An Answer from Limbo -- great book, dealing w one's art vs. one's personal life, ties, etc., but told in such a human/realism way that it's impossible to put down.  Manhattan locale, which you'd also like, I think.

I think you'd find Montreal intriguing -- which it is , if a somewhat tough nut to crack -- after a most trying week of looking for an apt, we finally found one -- situated in an old, formerly elegant (you know how I love faded grandeur, a la Atlantic City) residential area very centrally located.  Large, sunny, w/ 6 ft windows -- and totally unfurnished.   After a week of sleeping on hardwood floors, we finally got some furniture and are ready to commence Montreal living.  When we get the phone, I'll start job-hunting.  (I finally got my resume down to one page.)

Montreal is really divided between French and English -- even extends to the architecture -- part is London brick row-houses and part is Parisian stone and mansard roofs.  Unfortunately, much has been destroyed by the high-rise construction -- begun for the Expo and continued for the '76 Olympics -- I'm not finding the French (language) too easy, though it's coming, bit by difficult bit.

There are excellent restaurants here, as well as a good street scene.  The music scene I don't know yet -- but I maintain that the French -- even the North American French -- can't handle rock.  Everything comes out like Gilbert Becaud or Charles Aznavour.  I s'pose there's poetry in the lyrics -- but tune-wise -- well, there's nothing quite like the San Francisco sound!

Isn't it strange to think our year of academic endeavor is over -- all those hours gossiping in the library, writing last minute papers (in my case -- I know yours were finished months in advance , you show-off!)  Have you done anything further w/ pub of the R. S. index?  My friend the ex-Comstock libn (who is now a serials libn in an academic library) says he knows of no idea and thinks it's a good idea.

Well, my dear -- I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and financially solvent.  If you aren't working, and are w/in driving distance -- do come up to Montreal.  I'd love to see you again, soon -- (don't you think we should have a reunion?!) (you're the ex-class Pres, and as ex Social Chairwoman, who fell down in her duties toward the end, I can help you plan it!)  Seriously, do consider it.

September 10, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

Your organization ("I keep all the letter I have received in ring-bound notebooks") constantly amazes me!  Never again do I wish to be poked fun at about "urgent".  I have been painting all night and am really tired.  It is not a good way to begin a letter, as a matter of fact, this is really absurd, but I think I'm going to stop now and do this tomorrow when I can give it my full attention (see: how important I consider you?!).  Good night....

11 September 1974 -- Well, this is much better.  From your letter you certainly seem to be adjusting rather well to your new environment   I didn't know that polar bears were quite so versatile!  (Maybe it's that cooler climate bringing out your inherent qualities.

Today was a very nostalgic day.  I had a doctor's appointment in Oakland -- so decided to stop by at GSLIS first to see Mr. Lee (who wasn't in -- as usual).  Dr. Kolish was out also, but I did see Mr. Wray  and all the secretaries and Dr. Immroth was so nice to me.  He really looks fine, ans says he's doing well.  I'm so proud of him.  He's really a nice person, but I worried about this way of life.  You know, he actually looks 10 years younger?

I saw Ray Martin.  He said "hello".  I also saw the new batch of students in the library, lounge, etc.  None, of course, quite as precocious as we.  My doctor is on the 500 block of N. Neville -- so -- (my ever-failing sense of direction leading me) -- I decided it must be 1 block up from where you used to live and over 2 blocks.  Guess again.  I passed old "lacucaracha heaven" on Melwood and from there on it took me 1/2 hour to find the good doctor.  Oh well...

Send me a picture of "typical Montana".  I know I shall never see it in person, except by maybe a weird twist of fate.  Speaking of fate -- how do you feel about it?  I love it, actually sometimes.  I guess that's why I like Hardy.  Sometimes things seem awfully controlled to me, you know?  I mean, there are endless possibilities to a situation and it seems as though the possibility that occurs always fits in with another possibility occurring along the parallel of what's happening.  I kind of wonder if possibilities count at all, or if they're just put there by the Practical Joker (Melville's idea of God is certainly bizarre, but maybe  it's true?) to make us think there are endless possibilities?  I don't know, obviously another thing that's been bothering me lately -- human emotion.   Maybe I've always previously had the good fortune to meet simple, open people -- but I always felt that human emotion was a very transparent thing -- or at least translucent.  But lately (as far back as a few years ago, really) it seems much more opaque.  I mean, I didn't always feel that feelings were bared consistently or without guard exactly, but merely that they were fairly easy to discern.  I felt that I could glean from expressions, glances, gestures what a person felt, or at least a slight approximation of their emotion -- not an empathy because I feel that that is very rare and not even consistent among very close people.  But I dont' feel it so much anymore.  Even in people with whom  I've formerly felt it -- only sometimes.  I feel that there are layers and layers of depths and each has to be peeled.  I'll bet even when you reach the core there's something hidden -- a little seed that is impossible to open.  Oh, listen to me (or rather, don't).  See what happens when you get involved with philosophy majors!  They're a bizarre crew!

Anyway to make a long story short (although I never do), I just know that there are some things (both about ourselves and others) that we just can never know!  It's just beyond our reach.  I just got the full impact of that, maybe I'm just slow.  That must be it...I'm just newsy -- I want to know everything.

I'm going to change the subject completely for some good news -- Bev got a job!!!  Only I don't know where -- I just got a phone message that she called while I was out.  I'll let you know what's what as soon as I know.  I'm glad; she was really miserable these past few weeks.  Diane is still looking but she seems fairly calm -- I have never seen Diane worry past the point of just saying "I'm worried" -- I mean, no nervous mannerisms, etc.  Very stable, wish I could imitate!

By the way, I've just decided that you are not allowed to move anywhere for another two years -- at least   I have 3 addresses for you in my address book and if you move once more you will ruin everything, so STAY STILL!!!  (ok?)  (pick, pick, pick)  Maybe someone will give us an address book for a wedding present -- one that has interchangeable spots for addresses.  I mean it -- my friends are vagabonds.  I myself have had only 6 addresses in my life (and most were summer).  Why can't people follow this good example?  (heh, heh)

Did I tell you that I got no duplicates of anything at my shower?  (which was held regardless of the fact that I explicitly stated that there was to be none!)  The noive!  Anyway -- sorry -- no toaster oven will be arriving for you (I didn't get one either, don't cry, tweety!)  We'll see what happens with wedding presents -- I give you fair warning though -- don't expect any address books -- I need all of those that I can get!

This job is really hectic!  The director is a nice woman, but very disorganized and she has all of us a wreck.  I keep reminding myself that this job is not worth killing myself over-- but my brain can't seem to get the message straight -- I'll probably have 3 ulcers by April (if I last that long!)  I'm in charge of "Reserves" (oh, joy!), also picture file and vertical file (neither of which have I even seen yet -- they being what I'm interested mostly in!)  I had forgotten what it was like to be under a nun's wing.  (Oh only that it could have remained forgotten.)

In high school I gradually lost all respect for Catholicism per se -- in college I found (in Phil and Theo  a reason to respect it again -- to actually like it, even and to hold it dear again.  I have a penguin's chance in hell of keeping this here.  This place is really provincial (I can understand why your friend Barb left.)  I can't wait til Oct 3rd so I can come here only to work.  It seemed like an ivory tower -- now it seems like prison.  Stifling is too good a word.  I can't say what I feel about the job yet because I haven't gotten accustomed to ti or to all the people yet.  It will take at least 2 months, if not longer.  (myeer!)

You know, I really wish I had a job like yours -- it seems interesting, but with so many insights to get.  I suppose it will never happen -- but maybe, meanwhile you'll have to tell me all about it -- ok?  Everything -- even little thoughts you have about it.  Do you mind?  If so, tell me.  You probably think me such a pest.  I'm sorry.

I hope you are well, and not lonely out there.  But you like to be alone, huh?  But not always?  Have you written anymore dreams lately?  What does your place look like (colors, etc).  Is it large?  Polar bears should have room for their coat to breathe.