October 28, 1972 (Letter from Barb)

Just got your letter after the long abstinence of communication.  And I just got one from Mardi -- after a month since my mom died.   Of course I haven't written to anybody -- have been in a month long bummer which I hope is drawing to a close.  It was so good hearing form you.  I was feeling very isolated and alone in the world.  I had been home 2 weeks while Mom was in the hospital and was there all the time so I really got into the whole thing.  Timmy and Danny were there when she died -- it was like nothing had happened.  No big thing -- very quiet.  Just another routine thing in the hospital.  All the relatives were wailing away and we were calm.  Mardi called that nite because her mother had called her and told her.  I really didn't expect her to come but did wish that she would.  I was hurt to think she never even considered it.  I felt that she just didn't acknowledge the happening.  So there it is -- I have felt in the last year or so that Mardi puts Mardi first in all -- perhaps it's a lack in communication, and maybe it's just the hassle of living.  I don't know.  Friends don't stay the same in the "grown-up" world.  Joan was home the weekend after and it was really good to talk to her, believe it or not.  She and Freddie are really on the rocks -- she is considering divorce.  If you talk to her don't say anything about this.  She is not in too good shape.  Excuse the handwriting, but Rick and I are in the laundromat sort of hunched up on the window sill -- Sunday afternoon at the laundromat.  There is not much new w/ me -- Rick and I are still together but it's been rocky the last month considering my mood and the fact that I don't have a roommate anymore to help me support the apt.  Rick has been living there but he has no money.  I am really trying to move but it's hard to find something as roomy and nice as my place, only cheaper and in a nice neighborhood.  No such thing!  And I now have a car of sorts.  Our old gray Buick from home.  Rick and I brought it back after the funeral.  He had fixed it cause it wasn't running at all.  Now it runs but has no reverse, no drive, etc. etc.  All we have is low.  It's a lot better than nothing, I can conclude.  That has been one nice thing.

Monday night -- Long pause in between these installments.  I know I'm really not feeling myself when I can't even sit down and write a letter.  It's been very hard to do just that and this is the first in over a month.  Lucky Paul!  It's easy to respond to your rambling raps though. You are going through a phase but don't think it's shallow, youth pre-programmed and all that.  A necessary portion of your awakening into that grown-up world we are all so fond of talking about?  College senior restlessness?  Whatever you call it it's forward with determination -- doesn't seem to be the way.  There's no rush -- right?!  I remember coming to Boston 2 1/2 years ago and sometimes it seems like the blink of an eye -- other times like at least ten years have passed.  I of course do not feel that it is an end or a final place -- whatever it is, it's not here.  I would never be an inhabitant of all this continual motion.  But there's a life in itself here that it worth being attentive to.  Maybe you will find your place or your work soon and remain there -- who knows?  I've found that adulthood has somehow overtaken me in the midst of my travels so I'm at a different viewpoint than 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 3 months ago!  It's really sort of out of our power, so as you said, flow with it.

You also say you're noticing a distance between you and the people you're living among.  I think this is the point where people do go off in their own direction -- last year of school and onward, if it hasn't happened already.  Don't count on your friends to support you completely or to stay with you.  That's not in their power either.  They'll have their own focus and they, (he, she, etc) have to go w/ it.  So explains Mardi and Joan and Barb, Paul, Mike, etc, etc, etc!!  Your consideration of staying in Buffalo till spring sounds like it will be worth it -- you'll have time to think a little.  If your travel plans don't click you're welcome to try Boston, the Cape or the Vineyard -- 3 assorted lifestyles.  As I aid, you're welcome.  Wherever I may be, it till probably be one of the three, although by summer I don't believe it will be Boston.  I have even considered living at home for a few months in view of the circumstances -- I haven't pursued the idea very far I must say.  Getting a place outside of Warren wouldn't be such a bad idea for awhile.  Although the working situation there is really undesirable (???)   Did you know that Joan graduates in January too, and then she has to do her student teaching somewhere and somehow support herself -- like she said, because of Freddie she has no home and no money, and needless to say, no security.  Any encouragement for a too-early biracial marriage?  Thanks god Mardi and Bill didn't get married!  She says she is adjusting to Sue and seeing Bill, period.  That was the extent of the news.  She's mostly tied up with work and school.  I've got to acknowledge her perseverance anyway.  She also says she probably won't be home for Christmas.  I don't know why not but Mardi's mind bears no explanation.  I will be of course and also for Thanksgiving.  Will  you be there?  Warren, Pa and the 15,000 friendly folk?  Leroy Schneck ramblin on?  Scott Saylor socking it to em on WNAE?  It's all there, folks -- just stay on rt 6 and follow the crowd!

Well, I hope this has provided some enlightenment, enjoyment or news -- I really can't elaborate on how things are in old Beantown -- I haven't been paying too much attention to them.  But I am coming out of my retirement to go see Steve Miller Band and James Montgomery Blues Band Friday night and Judy Collins in 2 weeks.  I think it's money well spent.  Also, wistful plans of going to the Vineyard for a few days -- the winter's the best.  Nice and desolate and deserted.  Take care and thanks all over for writing.  Don't forget to go and vote for McGovern -- it's the only gesture we can make and I sadly believe it will only be a gesture.

See you next month I hope.  Don't work too hard at nite or you'll have your yearly shitty cold early this year!

Harry says a doggy hi -- she will probably be home too!