December 5, 1973 (Letter from Barb)

It's not my arm that's not functioning, but my head--  I've begun to write about 6 times, and I enclose one of my efforts (didn't), written, like the others in between moving boxes, suitcases, furniture, sleeping, eating, and working.  I haven't yet located my writing paper but I'm sure it will turn up.

I moved.  Y es, goodbye Humboldt Street and no heat, no repairs, and no food in the refrigerator.  In between I spent a week at Rick's (hassle, hassle, hassle!), and I'm safely ensconced in my own apt.  I like it even tho I have no idea how I'll pay for it every month.  It's really homey, w' high, slanting ceilings, a big back porch, 3 rooms and a bathroom on the 3rd floor of a house -- lots of trees around a field for Harry the dog.

Fact #2:  Rick and I have broken up again -- this happens once very other week.  Many problems which will never be resolved -- we'll probably still see each other-- who knows.  (or cares??)  He and his friend, Mac have a house in Roxbury -- nice house too.

Well, Paul, where do I begin?  Have things continued to develop or is your head settled down after each new awakening experience -- I hope I didn't violate a confidence by discussing this 23/ Rick at the time you letter arrived, to get a male point of view, much different from my own, I might add!  He seems to think that your real life history is only beginning, as far as feeling goes.  He doesn't see the danger that I see, but thinks that there is a long road to come, but isn't there for everyone?  (my addition)

I was reminded forcefully of my own feelings during certain vital, truly alive times, usually associated with unfamiliar places and new people -- the sudden closeness and warmth of just being with these people, who -- when you turn your mind back to it at another time -- seems to have lost the radiance and are only faces 2/ a remembered name and place.  But the chance is irreversible and no amount of looking back will change you back into what you once were.  The similarities in the feelings aroused are so great, I wonder if it's a universal experience, but perhaps only open to those who in a certain time and place accept the possibility -- ?  It's frightening to think about before it ever happens but while it's happening -- pure exhilaration.  Of course, my experiences were as "comprehensive" as what you have described -- I mean, including so many, regardless of role, sex, or personality -- I'd way you stepped off the board and right into the deep end.  The other end would be progressing from one individual relationship to another, keeping a firm control on continuity and becoming in a slow way a more complex version of yourself.  The old RATIONAL MIND -- no question of ever losing ego control.  Now there's nothing wrong w/ this way except there's all the effort of control and rationalization and always some regret.  Now, what you've done is the opposite -- total immersion -- a realization of a possible infinite #'s of new you's -- not rationally planned.  The ego is suspected (I wish I could think of another word instead of sounding like a text book, but you know what I mean!) -- but it will come back and try to establish it's own continuity.  Brought up as we are in this world, which worships the ego, we have no choice but to follow this cycle through.  No matter what continuity you finally establish in your ind, I don't think you'll fee any regret as to what's happened.  Even if you find yourself somewhere you never thought you'd be, you won't even want to be where you had always planned on being!  Duh!  So much for your head-- what about all the people you left behind in the old sphere of things -- do you really expect you can reach back and w/ your own power, just bring them along w/ your words and explanations?   You're welcome to try, but will learn something trying.  Here comes the danger -- are you willing to line in a sphere with -- at times -- non one else in it, for an undetermined amount of time?  Do we really want this kind of freedom, I mean not just the idea of it, but the living of it, this is what they wrote all those books about when we were in school and we read and said "Right on, of course everyone wants this", but when you find that no everyone wants it at all, what do you think?  You can stand there and watch as your friends drop into one niche or another, by accommodation, by marriage (no elaboration needed on this one!), by a lot of different ways and what is your choice -- to go on alone, or to keep what you've got but stop there and continue what you were doing and where you were headed before the question ever came up?

As for me to respond to you -- of course I still am responding in the old known way -- don't think words can ever really reach that part of another person.  What a frustration to find out that you so seldom reach anybody and hardly ever with words.   More and more now (from now on up to our parent's level -- or down?) -- people have a lot to lose by changing their course -- they have a balance worked out and it wasn't easy and they're not about to give it up for someone else's vision of how things should be.   Sad, but true -- it's like asking our parents to smoke grass and get into it they simply have too much to lose at this stage of the game and there's no guarantee!  You might not win the big game -- the way they are, they're fairly wise to say no. Think of that when you feel disappointed when people won't respond to you.  I will respond as best I can, within my own time and place and without any loss of my own balance, that's all anyone can do -- at the state we're at, no one is going to leave their own hard-won perception behind for yours -- this is life in the grown-up world.  It's not what we expected it to be is it?  We always thought we'd always be totally open to anything and you turn around and see your self limiting certain spheres out of your range forever.  I've said too much already -- I probably could have summed this all up in a line or two if I had the real clarity of thought you're looking for.  I'm only another one "on the way", like you.  I'm very interested in your thoughts now, after this amount of time has gone by -- if you don't write before Christmas, I'll see you in Warren then.  I'm definitely coming home for Christmas -- trying to get a ride now but I have reservations if I don't.

I hope this will serve as the feedback you wanted-- I'm sure you've heard from other people by now and maybe this will add something to their responses -- I'm glad you decided to write the letter -- it certainly was a "moving" experience.

Take care!

I've talked to Mardi  -- I've buried all my doubts for now and am just trying to gain some support.  (She wants to go out and see Bill!  No surprise, right?  I advised her against it, biting my tongue to keep from saying a lot of things, but if she decides to chance it, she'll do it I'm sure.  Joan and Freddie are now in Meadville, Pa -- one of their strings of Penna towns -- I have no address.  My brother Tim is at home working at the State, substitute teaching at Warren High (weird!) and buying a car -- his girlfriend, Rita, has never been heard of again after going down to Texas to see the Maharishi -- and I'm in old Boston fixing up a new apt. and going nowhere new I suppose!  Warren at Christmas should be interesting!

Now I'll end this -- happy holidays!

October 28, 1972 (Letter from Barb)

Just got your letter after the long abstinence of communication.  And I just got one from Mardi -- after a month since my mom died.   Of course I haven't written to anybody -- have been in a month long bummer which I hope is drawing to a close.  It was so good hearing form you.  I was feeling very isolated and alone in the world.  I had been home 2 weeks while Mom was in the hospital and was there all the time so I really got into the whole thing.  Timmy and Danny were there when she died -- it was like nothing had happened.  No big thing -- very quiet.  Just another routine thing in the hospital.  All the relatives were wailing away and we were calm.  Mardi called that nite because her mother had called her and told her.  I really didn't expect her to come but did wish that she would.  I was hurt to think she never even considered it.  I felt that she just didn't acknowledge the happening.  So there it is -- I have felt in the last year or so that Mardi puts Mardi first in all -- perhaps it's a lack in communication, and maybe it's just the hassle of living.  I don't know.  Friends don't stay the same in the "grown-up" world.  Joan was home the weekend after and it was really good to talk to her, believe it or not.  She and Freddie are really on the rocks -- she is considering divorce.  If you talk to her don't say anything about this.  She is not in too good shape.  Excuse the handwriting, but Rick and I are in the laundromat sort of hunched up on the window sill -- Sunday afternoon at the laundromat.  There is not much new w/ me -- Rick and I are still together but it's been rocky the last month considering my mood and the fact that I don't have a roommate anymore to help me support the apt.  Rick has been living there but he has no money.  I am really trying to move but it's hard to find something as roomy and nice as my place, only cheaper and in a nice neighborhood.  No such thing!  And I now have a car of sorts.  Our old gray Buick from home.  Rick and I brought it back after the funeral.  He had fixed it cause it wasn't running at all.  Now it runs but has no reverse, no drive, etc. etc.  All we have is low.  It's a lot better than nothing, I can conclude.  That has been one nice thing.

Monday night -- Long pause in between these installments.  I know I'm really not feeling myself when I can't even sit down and write a letter.  It's been very hard to do just that and this is the first in over a month.  Lucky Paul!  It's easy to respond to your rambling raps though. You are going through a phase but don't think it's shallow, youth pre-programmed and all that.  A necessary portion of your awakening into that grown-up world we are all so fond of talking about?  College senior restlessness?  Whatever you call it it's forward with determination -- doesn't seem to be the way.  There's no rush -- right?!  I remember coming to Boston 2 1/2 years ago and sometimes it seems like the blink of an eye -- other times like at least ten years have passed.  I of course do not feel that it is an end or a final place -- whatever it is, it's not here.  I would never be an inhabitant of all this continual motion.  But there's a life in itself here that it worth being attentive to.  Maybe you will find your place or your work soon and remain there -- who knows?  I've found that adulthood has somehow overtaken me in the midst of my travels so I'm at a different viewpoint than 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 3 months ago!  It's really sort of out of our power, so as you said, flow with it.

You also say you're noticing a distance between you and the people you're living among.  I think this is the point where people do go off in their own direction -- last year of school and onward, if it hasn't happened already.  Don't count on your friends to support you completely or to stay with you.  That's not in their power either.  They'll have their own focus and they, (he, she, etc) have to go w/ it.  So explains Mardi and Joan and Barb, Paul, Mike, etc, etc, etc!!  Your consideration of staying in Buffalo till spring sounds like it will be worth it -- you'll have time to think a little.  If your travel plans don't click you're welcome to try Boston, the Cape or the Vineyard -- 3 assorted lifestyles.  As I aid, you're welcome.  Wherever I may be, it till probably be one of the three, although by summer I don't believe it will be Boston.  I have even considered living at home for a few months in view of the circumstances -- I haven't pursued the idea very far I must say.  Getting a place outside of Warren wouldn't be such a bad idea for awhile.  Although the working situation there is really undesirable (???)   Did you know that Joan graduates in January too, and then she has to do her student teaching somewhere and somehow support herself -- like she said, because of Freddie she has no home and no money, and needless to say, no security.  Any encouragement for a too-early biracial marriage?  Thanks god Mardi and Bill didn't get married!  She says she is adjusting to Sue and seeing Bill, period.  That was the extent of the news.  She's mostly tied up with work and school.  I've got to acknowledge her perseverance anyway.  She also says she probably won't be home for Christmas.  I don't know why not but Mardi's mind bears no explanation.  I will be of course and also for Thanksgiving.  Will  you be there?  Warren, Pa and the 15,000 friendly folk?  Leroy Schneck ramblin on?  Scott Saylor socking it to em on WNAE?  It's all there, folks -- just stay on rt 6 and follow the crowd!

Well, I hope this has provided some enlightenment, enjoyment or news -- I really can't elaborate on how things are in old Beantown -- I haven't been paying too much attention to them.  But I am coming out of my retirement to go see Steve Miller Band and James Montgomery Blues Band Friday night and Judy Collins in 2 weeks.  I think it's money well spent.  Also, wistful plans of going to the Vineyard for a few days -- the winter's the best.  Nice and desolate and deserted.  Take care and thanks all over for writing.  Don't forget to go and vote for McGovern -- it's the only gesture we can make and I sadly believe it will only be a gesture.

See you next month I hope.  Don't work too hard at nite or you'll have your yearly shitty cold early this year!

Harry says a doggy hi -- she will probably be home too!

January 28, 1972 (Letter from Mardi)

It was good to hear from you yesterday!  I had just arrived home after an evening of "bowlerama".  I was going to write to you about three weeks ago and have been in a daze since then. School has me in a fog as usual.  But I actually look forward to classes to give my mind some mental exercise -- I really enjoy it all, which I've been trying to do for a long time.  Now whether I can pass or not will be another problem -- it's about this math class I have.

As usual, my Christmas trip back was uneventful!!!!?  Sure.  You definitely know the circumstances, that fateful Sun night.  I must say I'm sorry if I seemed upset but I was so fuckin pissed about the weather and how to get back I didn't give you a fond farewell.  After you left my mother and I managed to make a dozen phone calls and what I did was get a reservation from Jamestown to Buf and then from Buf to Mpls.   Then we got Tim Lucia to take me to Jamestown.  So just before I was ready to leave Mon afternoon the airport calls and says my flight will be half an hour late getting to Jamestown!  I'll still make my connection in Buf -- get to Jamestown and the flight is 50 min late -- so now I'm thinking "Shit, the planes are not going to make it!"  At 3:05 pm the plans lands -- I'm to be in Buf for my connection at 3:45 sharp -- I made it!  The flight from Buf to Msp was late getting in -- thank god!  Otherwise it would have been a mere five hour wait in the Buffalo airport!!!!  The flight from Buf took 2 hrs. because we were heading into such strong winds!  But I was home and had the ravioli heated by 6:30 pm.  It seems like 1 yr ago already!  I'm glad we got to see Tina and Rusty, that was about the only people I really wanted to see.  I would have like to have seen Mark but I don't have too much to say but hello, how ya doin?  I can't get to Joan, I'll never figure her out.  She seems to do everything backwards to get at her goal.  She doesn't want to go to school but she's going, she wants to settle down...  I'm glad she's going to finish anyway -- I hope.  I really didn't like old Freddy over Memorial Day -- he seemed very defensive towards me -- maybe it's my imagination but Freddy gave Barb the same thing.  I think everyone's "group" has dwindled down!  I don't' think any of us need as many people as we used to.  The few we have are close enough to love and "worry" about.  I'm one for intimate talks and walks, and stupid little tings.  But I like getting out as much as I can with the crowd, not among the crowd.  What am I babbling about?  I was thinking if I can get some money saved I could go out to Boston over Easter too.  It's just a thought though.  I want to get out there and see Barb and all the places.  It would be good a time as any I suppose!

Anderson quit his job!  Neat?  He's been "unemployed" for two weeks.  And boy is the money problem tight 00 just when we were coming out ahead -- he quits!  He was getting screwed on the job anyway.  Monday he finds out about a salesman's job at Grossman's Chevrolet.  IT really would be a nice job because he is so out-going and can really hand out the B.S.  He would have a car then too and other advantages -- like a paycheck!  He's been playing hockey about 4 night a week -- hockey hockey hockey.  He's had 1. a black eye, 2. a bashed up nose, 3. a stick across the mouth, 4. a puck in the arm, 5. a sprained thumb, 6. a cut forehead.  Every time he comes home I'm afraid to answer the door and find out what is broken. David lost 3 teeth last game and big goalie "Andy Anderson" got in a fight but Thank God the referee stopped it.  "He can flu......."  So, if that job doesn't come through it's taxi driving for awhile.  This spring we want to move and get a dog and all. But we are really going to have a bitch moving if we even find a reasonable place.  I want to stay in the same area though. I like the lakes and parks etc., which Bill could care less about!

Everything has been find though all in all!  The weather has been a bitch!  Could you believe -65 with the wind chill!  It had been that way on and off for the past two weeks.  I talked to my mother last week and she continues to talk of going to Florida.  If she does move down, which I am hoping, I am really considering the possibility of moving down there myself!  I love Mpls. and the city but------this weather!  The move wouldn't be for quite awhile yet.  I don't' think it would be a bad move!?

 Well I must close and get busy here.  Take care -- I love ya too honey.

Think we are going to see "Straw Dogs" tonight (or is it Dog?)  I don't want to see the ending.  Oh!  Finally read QBVII it was a good book, not as good as Exodus but good reading.  When it finally came out in paperback I had to read it.

September 9, 1971 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

Howdy -- you fucker!  What in the hell are you doing????  Don't you know that living at the beach is all a fantasy -- life that's only good for a little while -- believe me I know and don't I know that's why I'm the dud I am now!  So hep me Nelson, if you do what I did I'll kill you!  I feel like it's my kid or something...really, "what are you going to do?" -- GIANT QUOTES around that question.  When I first heard you were in California I was home -- in Warren Pa 16365 -- I went home for a week -- my mother had an operation -- she has cancer and they had to remove her breast -- it was really heavy for them, so I had to go home for the week.  So I casually call up your house to see where you're living in Buffalo -- I'm there -- California??  Then Mardi tells me you're staying there.  Well, what can I say?  Paul -- how can you, of all people, quit school?  You are the original enjoyer of school --I've never known anyone to enjoy it and get more out of it than you do -- when I quit I knew it would be a wasted  year for me to go on, but for you I don't see it that way.  Anyway, maybe I'm worrying all for naught -- why don't you write and tell me -- I'll only be here on the island till Sunday, then back to Boston and home for a few weeks to help my mother out.  So write to me at home -- OK?

The summer here ended as suddenly as if someone shut it down for the season.   Labor Day was everyone's last day at work and boom -- everything closed and everyone went back to where they came from.  Now the roads are deserted and we are just wondering what to do with the days until we go.  It's like country time -- we have gone through changes in our house lately -- Woodstock II has arrived -- everyone wanting just a place to be and music to listen too -- our house is it.  I can't explain the latest hassles but I will when I see you.  Why in hell can't people get along -- even people that you like you can't get along with anymore.  People are such fucking assholes to each other -- our time here-- I mean on the island -- is so short -- why can't we be generous.  Shit.  Time anywhere is fucking short -- it always seems that it will last forever until all at once you're remembering it.  Mardi told me she was coming here and then I got a letter that she's not and guess why -- no $$$.  Now what the hell kind of fucking excuse is that but with Mardi and Bill it's true.  So I didn't answer to call -- so she called me last night and we talked about all this shit.  There were 10 million people here-- 5 million of whom no one in the house knew and I couldn't talk really freely on the phone -- it's so rare you get to talk freely now-a-days -- it used to be you did it very day of your life!  Everyone's grown up!  I'm also running out of paper -- what am I babbling about?  Hey, I got a letter from Joan today.  Her life is like a fucking soap opera -- she moved on on Freddy -- she said she got drunk and tried to kill him (?) -- but they're together now and all is well.  Did you get all that?  She is also going back to Clarion in January and the government is paying for it.  If that marriage makes it, it will be all Joan's doing -- I hope she can do it!  And Mardi and Bill are not making it together either -- God, the whole thing just sucks -- people are just determined to fuck everything up.  But Mardi's staying tho -- working and going to school at night again this year.  Where the hell does she have to go?  If I didn't go back to Boston where the hell would I go?  I was thinking today -- up on the top of the back field behind our house -- why can't we all be back where we were 2 or 3 years ago, only be what we are now -- just have our new selves there-- I had it all figured out anyway.  I went out in the field w/ Harry to get away from PEOPLE -- I swear I'm going to be a hermit in another year or so -- so I hope I see you before then so I can talk to you.

I saw Mike when he was home -- he's applying to the Peace Corps for next year -- duh!  And Tina and Mark are just about goners -- they're both hitched by now.  So what else is new -- no new lights in my horizon -- for once in 3 years -- everything seems planned out and all I have to do is follow it all through.  I'm going home for a while -- then back to Boston to old Calumet St. and the old job at Mass Mental.  And every fall I'm usually freaking out wondering what to do -- it all seems so dull this way -- maybe something will come up and fuck me up -- if I'm lucky.  You know my Boston address -- right?  It'll be me and Doreen and Nancy and -- get this -- Doreen and John are getting married -- that's too much in itself -- and planning to live with us in the same place when they do.  Shades of Apt 203, Lake Street!  Oh we are just so unconventional aren't we?  Now I am going to end all this -- just write soon.  Take care Paul -- I hate to say it, but I will (see you at Christmas) SHIT!

February 18, 1971 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

Hi there boobie -- have you forgotten your long lost roomie -- due to my great letter writing lately, I am losing every friend I ever had!

How's your semester going?  My life is at its usual February peak -- whoopee.  Both my roommates are away all this week -- one is a teacher and gets the week off and Pam has the week off too -- so they're tripping the light fantastic around the countryside -- so it's me and the dog holding things down here.  I am still spaced from last weekend -- duh!  I went up to Maine with a chick friend and stayed at a farmhouse 2/ a million freaks -- loaded from the word go.  I've never seen so much dope in one place -- bricks and bricks or hash on the kitchen table, canisters of grass, a canister of cocaine (powder) -- another one of orange acid -- what a freaky weekend.  I was waking up at night getting hits in my sleep -- they were doing cocaine but I passed on that one -- stuck with the smoke and the hash brownies.  They had a little kid about 2 years old who was up all night tripping-- she got into the acid.  Hey, safe!  I drove home through the mounds of snow not knowing shit -- duh!  And I was driving a standard which took my utmost concentration just to stay on the road.  This week itself was quiet -- I finally went to a doctor and got some BCP pills -- now in case I ever screw again -- oh such immoral lives we lead.  Speaking of the famed subject -- I got a letter form Mrs. Joan Stevens of Fayetteville, N. Carolina -- know her?  Yes, Joanie Pic did it -- she had a miscarriage while still at Clarion.  She sounds good in the letter.  I'm still freaked by the whole thing.  I heard through the Warren grapevine that Margie and Ward have completely disinherited her of the family fortunate.  Did you ever meet Freddie?  I can't remember if you did or not.  God, I can just see Joan's parents when she told them -- I guess Joan will never be in Warren again!  True to our predictions, Renee was 1st, then Joan -- now it's a toss-up between Tina and Mardi.  I don't know if Bill and Mardi will even bother to get married.  Can you see Anderson at a wedding -- not bombed!

So much for Joan and Renee and Mark.  When's he getting hitched?  I wish Mrs. P and Mr. Sayles would have a wedding so we could go to it but if they do get married, I don't think they'll have a big deal.

More news from the home front -- Timmy flunked out of Edinboro.  I don't know how that can be done but he did it.  So now he's home and happy about it.  He has to get a job and pay back a $400 bank loan cause he didn't get his state money naturally since he didn't pass.  My father is there, "Well, that's three out of three!"  He's so witty!  Of course, we're all so stable anyway.  Timmy is making me look sensible lately.  Of course, I haven't done anything drastic lately either.  What's up for the summer?  Or should I ask?  I've got the urge for going but I also have got a good job (I don't believe I just said that -- oh I've got a good job!)  Of course I won't decide anything until the summer is upon us -- can't feature a pleasant summer in Roxbury, with the garbage, heat, etc.  Yech, I'd have to have a damn good reason to stay here and I don't have a good reason!  So there.

Mardi and Bill are looking for a new place (that's new) -- they still have no money.  Hey, dink, did you get my valentine -- I'm so cute, sending valentines -- I even sent none to Mrs. P cause I knew she'd send me one.

Well, kiddo, have to close now -- just hang in there till spring.  Mardi says she's coming out here in the spring -- hell will freeze over too.  If you get a vacation you come too -- you're always welcome and we could all be together again -- wouldn't that be neato, Paul?  (Take out the garbage!)  Take care and write.  Peace and love and all that.

February 8, 1971 (Letter from Mardi)

Here I sit on a Monday night at work without a damn thing to do.  I have just completed a letter to my mother and one to Barb.

I'm glad to hear you are experiencing good times in Buffalo.  I give you credit for surviving there this long!  How you can stand it is beyond me -- it's just that Buffalo has always been a bad scene for me every time! Except, of course, the time we visited you!  Let me make myself perfectly clear -- I HATE BUFFALO!

All is well in Minneapolis at least for the time being.  Anderson has been at his job now for over 1 year and I'll be going on my 11th month March 2nd!  What is the world coming to?  It's starting to scare me!  But I could never let go of this job now!  With school and work it really doesn't seem so awfully bad.  Not like I had visions of anyway!  No matter how hard I try though I cannot picture you student teaching.  Anderson and I were trying to visualize i t-- IMPOSSIBLE.

I can't remember what I've written to you -- I don't think too much since it's been quite awhile.  Anderson and I missed a chance of a lifetime when we missed Neil young in concert at the Guthrie.  Everyone was protesting because the Guthrie only holds about 1700 and you can't get a bad seat.  But they never advertised and they were sold out the same day tickets went on sale.  So we went down and protested with everyone else and like everyone else we didn't get in.  Richard Havens is at the Depot in about 2 weeks and Sly is here.  I'd like to see Havens and so would Anderson.

I have to close up BIG letter huh!?

Still haven't heard from Joan.  She and Freddie probably skipped town or the country.

Word has it that Barney might be coming out again and I just couldn't live through that again!

I must go and have a ciggie.  How's the non smoker coming along?

Take care, I promise to write a longer letter soon!

February 9, 1970 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

It's a swinging afternoon at work, I'm ready to fall asleep on my typewriter so I think I'd better write for awhile.  You almost had two little smiling faces there to cheer things up Saturday afternoon.  We were going to knock on your door and yell -- "Let's go to the Palace!"  I'm sure you and Kenny would have freaked out if we showed up.  No! No! Go home!!  What a weekend this was, let me tell you -- zero!  Friday nite we worked on our decoupages and talked and talked and talked about going away (like what's new in the last six month?)   Then we went over to sleep at Mardi's and Bill's on the phone and we're all there yakking away, getting nothing settled of course.  Now that we've both given notice at work, time is running out.  I think Mardi will end up going to Minneapolis and live with Bill till spring and I mostly probably to Boston.  Why can't we do anything original??  Why, oh why.  I was all psyched to go to Denver and to California but Bill's all involved with a new job now, etc. etc.  I hope for her sake that Mardi is sure, really sure about this - I don't know -- I'm not going to give her any grief about it.  There might be a bright side to all this SHIT -- how does it fell to be settled in school and not wondering about the future -- duh!  I remember my sophomore year all I worried about was the next paper that was due, the next basketball game or kegger -- hey, I was cool.  (Don't let anybody ever tell you, you're cool!!!)

Oh well, we did have a jolly good time last weekend with you guys.  I think we're all slightly warped: God, that was unreal.  We are a bunch of duds, laying around drinking ourselves under the table.  Hey, clean!

I really clonked out on the bus on the way home -- if there's one thing I hate, it's coming home all the time.

Well, what else is new around here.  Joan was home this weekend.  I talked to her about 10 minutes but didn't see her.  She won't be home again till Easter and I won't be around then so that's that.  I guess Freddie goes in the Reserves in two weeks.  If Piccirillo pulls this one off she'll be a genius, I don't know how she's going to do it.  What do you hear from Mike? Did he win the election or whatever -- Mike Foster as president of a "cool": fraternity -- wow! Groovy!  Where's my letter sweater?

When are you coming home -- I have this duh! feeling about going now.  Like, I don't mind going to Boston but I'm not really thrilled about i -- I don't like the idea of going alone but I imagine I'll do it.  Bla-ah, why can't it be summer, spring, fall -- ?  Would love to go somewhere warm pretty soon.  I wish I could get Mardi's ass moving.  I just don't' understand her nowadays.  What, what, what is the problem???  Hey, we're stable.  Normal.

Think I'll close now.  Now that I"m at work I guess I should do home work -- doo-doo-doo -- I'll go find something to do.  Peace, take care, say hi to Kenny -- hope we see you soon.

P.S.  I even gave up smoking Larks last week for 2 days -- I must be really blah or something.

P.P.S.  The collage will get done this week!

October 19, 1969 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

Well, Pauly, yes it has been a long time.  I just about have it figured out where everybody id -- what they're doing is another thing because nobody knows that.  Take me for an example -- DUH!  I am now working in Warren Pa. 16365 (!) at the Blue Manor Restaurant 6 days a week, waiting on a bunch of old, middle-class, conservative, mother-and-apple-pie, small-town, narrow, stagnant -- shall I go on?  I'm sure you understand -- you have only to live here to know -- Bla-a-a-h!  And Mardi spends her days at New Process -- I don't even have words for that!  She works until 5:00 and I work till 8:00 and we see each other from about 9:30 to 11:00 at nite -- during the day it's like being in solitude because there's no one to talk to at work anyway.  But, t his is my choice and not by force -- right?!  Like, I know I made the right decision about school, but duh, duh, duh that leaves me neither here nor there -- "come on in, I dig long hair" -- I wonder what song that's from --something I heard at the Cape.  I remember something and I can't remember whether it was said to me, by me, for me, sung -- complete confusion of the mind.  That place...we should all go up there next summer.  You have to work hard at a job but it's worth it 0-- worth what??   There's all kinds of action if you're a guy -- duh!  Believe me when I say it because I know!  Being a broad is a real kick in the pants -- you don't know what in hell -- ahem! -- the hell to do sometimes.

Mardi said you quit your job -- yes Paul -- Go, go, go.  Working and going to school is a real drag -- you're there, Tired, Tired, Tired!!  Are you coming home next weekend -- 24th!  Good grief, imagine having someone else to talk to -- Mari and I have been using sign language.  We had planned on going up to see you and going to Pittsburgh for a weekend, etc. etc. but shit, damn, and screw I only have Sundays off!  If it gets too bad I'll just quit and go where I want to.  I mean, this is ridiculous -- I have enough money saved to pick up and go somewhere -- so why don't I go?  Boston is the likely place, but something says, Wait, wait, wait.  Thinking rationally is completely out of the question, don't you agree?  Trusting yourself completely to your instincts will really mess you up but it's real - you know?  Duh, what am I talking about?

Today you're probably sitting around the old apartment drinking beer and watching the game -- maybe you're at the game -- blah, no it's too crummy out.  What's O.J. like in person -- I'm sure you've met.  I can't believe you've lost 20 pounds -- I've lost 5 lb and it's bad news.  You might not have eaten, slept, etc. but did you have a good time.  No.  Well, that's life, Paul.

I talked to Mike once or twice before he went back -- we were all sitting at Shorty's once (once is enough!) and he was expounding on something or other.  Michael Fraternity Kid Foster is still the same but then Mike's not all that bad.  I'd take Mike over 3/4 of the other fruit-loops running around the world  Haven't seen or heard from Renee since Christmas??  I hear through the grapevine that she and Morrey were here for awhile -- oh, Renee, you've got to be kidding -- married?!!  The pattern her parents, etc. have forced her into is so obvious -- doesn't she care?

And then there's Joan -- God, I hate to even think about what she's doing -- Mardi and I haven't heard a thing -- I can just imagine -- Freddy, Freddy, Freddy -- Oh, we are all in fine shape, aren't we -- I've never known Mardi to be so confused but then I'm a big help because I'm a complete dud at the present -- there are no answers in Warren, Pa!  Remember that.

Well, I will close up and clonk over to Mardi's now through "the rain upon the trees".  Take care -- we'll see you soon.  Paul, do you still go into a trance when you drive?  I will never go to Lum's again with you kids unless I wear my spike shoes -- honestly, laugh much.  Haven't been anywhere near Bemus Point -- how is the old dud?  Last nite Masked Martin and Girl Wonder went to the Pub (duh!) for a nightcap -- we're there  -- sip, sip, oh brother, get me out of here.  I had my proof for 21 all ready but they didn't ask me.  Mardi had a line of bullshit ready.  Well, I did say this is it!  Goodbye!