How long have I been here anyway? This is the first installment from Warren since Christmas -- I can't believe my gross neglect of just about all correspondence, including my journal. It was good to hear from you again. When you described your yearning for the road again, I felt a wince of recognition -- the spell comes over me frequently, but I never see myself as I used to be. I feel that my desire is to recreate my spiritual state at that time, as exemplified by my mobility then. As things are now, I don't know how to express that yearning for freedom in an age (?) appropriate manner. I was talking to Mardi about this last Thursday (while Martin was out bowling) and she commented that these feelings are no longer in her life at all and she never thinks of them. The thrust of her statement was that she's a completely satisfied person, now that she has a job that she likes again. This was the 2nd time that we've "talked" in 3 months, and it didn't do anything to bridge the tremendous gulf between us. The only rapport we seem to have is talking about feelings in the past -- it's uncanny. She has taken on many of Martin's attitudes and seems quite content with them. I just don't know how to talk about it -- it seems so weird to me! No matter how she puts out the story that she's happy, there's no sparkle in her as there always was before -- I don't know, I can't put my finger on it. Since we both started working I don't see her anyway -- I call her once in a while and say hello -- in between social engagements.
Yes, I got a job. Have worked for 1 weeks for low, low money Am working for ANC Enterprises on Conewango Ave -- a sheltered workshop for retarded and handicapped adults. This guy and I were hired as aides. I'm supposed to be teaching arts and crafts, but since I don't know beans about arts and crafts I'm learning along with them. We had both registered at CETA -- the federal manpower thing and were placed there. I don't know if I'm enthusiastic about it or not -- some days I like it and some I wonder what I'm doing there! Much time is needed to form a relationship to each of the people because there' such a diversity -- some have IQ's below 70, some are crippled w/ brain damage, some are recently discharged State Hospital patients, most are on medication, too. I think my role as aide is the problem, because I have no real responsibility and can't make any policy, even as far as what we're going to do for an afternoon. After my job at Children's I'm used to taking responsibility and being independent. Other than that aspect, I like what I'm doing although what I really wanted was to work with children, as opposed to mental-age children! It seems that I never have a chance in this area (Warren) to do what I want to do. People seem to be more rigid in their hiring, being more impressed w/ a B.A. from Edinboro than with much (or any) relevant experience or aptitude. I'm going through the usual culture shock of living there. Everytime I'm here I look at the whole scene a little differently -- I always sense a certain shallowness in attitudes that I don't find among even the neighborhood people in Boston. They have a certain knowledge and toughness that there is not evidence of here. I can look at myself and acknowledge my own attitudes when I first left school and went to Mass and they seemed to be based on a pretty shaky foundation. I would not want to bring up a family in Warren. Smalltown life may be more stifling mentality than city life for kids. Duh -- who knows.
Now that I have a job I don't know how I'm going to pull off this travelling to Montana, but never fear, I will think of something. What I'm thinking of it coming out and staying for a month or so -- I'd have to sell my car, if it lasts still spring that is! It barely makes it around Warren. Brakes just went on it again so I've been carless all week. Just had a whole bunch of work done a few weeks ago to get my PA inspection. shit, nothing hash worked out in an easy way. When I really wanted to come out in August I could have done it but I felt too responsible to my job and couldn't gracefully get out of it till late October. I felt a commitment both to the kids and to the staff. I wished that I could have stayed there but still left Boston. Boy am I confused! Meanwhile, Rick is still calling me -- shades of 2 years ago. As usual, he wants me to come back and then of course we could be happy in some fairy tale. He doesn't even have an inkling that he is reaching back to about a 6 month period three years ago and labeling it "happiness". I could never be that person again. What bums me out is that since then I have failed to encounter a man who I want to have a close relationship with. It's incredible -- after all these recent years of hordes of people passing through, everyone seems to be permanently placed in a slot. Where did the people our age go? Are they all married with families or what? Did you know that I turned 26 last month? Ye gods -- I have a nagging sensation that I should be carving out a career for myself and making house payments instead of watching the sunset and lighting up to Dave Mason! I think "dissonance" is the descriptive term. One nite in Jan, Timmy and Rita and Rita's brother, Peter and I went out -- went to the Drafthouse, played pool, etc. -- then went over to Jon Thorton's house (another brother -- who is working here at Legal Services) and listened to "our time" records -- when we heard "Truckin" we all looked at each other. It was like alma mater, in comparison to the gray reality that is today. Have we all outgrown our ideas or has everything changed around us silently? Did you know that Warren has its own little counterculture? I keep running into these stray people -- this long-haired guy whose here setting up a half-way house (fresh from Boston!), the lawyer at Legal Services (another freak fresh from B.U.!), the guy running CETA (ditto) -- there are more -- I don't know why these people end up in Warren, Pa but here we all are. First I deal w/ this group and w/ the clients at work, then I may go up to Timmy's and get stoned in Scandia, then I walk into Mardi's and Marti's and it's a different world, what can I say -- do your thing, man!
I went down to Meadville to see Joan 2 weekends ago -- was very curious as to how she was getting along. Her divorce proceedings are almost over and she'll be free again, free again. I was honestly impressed w/ the Unity Center as far as their day-care program goes -- it's one of the best I've seen. Joan is extremely busy and is working at her job 24 hours a day, which she should cut down on, but what's important is that she needs this commitment now so let it be. She has a apt upstairs from Freddie's sister and her husband and baby, -- there 2 are real nice people, completely opposite from Freddie. They're poor of course, but graceful and friendly. I felt that Joan was doing the best I've seen her in 4 years. The old wheel keeps a-turnin' for us all.
So -- so much for me, you, Mardi, and Joan. We're all in our usual places I guess -- Joan's committed, Mardi's secure, I'm learning, and you're independent. Think of the confusion if we decided to switch roles, which if we were really free, we'd be able to do at will. "Conscious labor and intentional suffering" -- that's Gurdjieff. Get ahold of his books if you feel like stretching your mind out to nowhere Meetings w/ Remarkable Men and Beelzebub's Tales to his Grandson are the ones that are most readily available. I used to read him on the subway last year -- talk about splitting your worlds! I admit at the closing that I miss Beantown, only because it's winter and that's the time to be there if you're going to be there at all and I do miss the music -- live, on radio, records, etc. This is a desert for music. I did hook up my radio to the TV cable so once in awhile I get Buffalo and Erie. But they can't compare to CAS in Cambridge, my favorite station of all time. Warren FM has hit an all-time low -- now it's the "piped-in music" genre -- gross. But Leroy Schneck likes it so what can I say? I will now head on downstairs to watch the late show -- this is a groovy Saturday night alright. I really wish you were here, Paul for you unsurpassed companionship, camaraderie and all that. I would take Harry out with me, but they won't let her in the movies Isn't that narrow of them? They did on the Vineyard! They had this two-bit theater in Vineyard Haven complete w/wooden chairs and a home-movie screen and I took Harry once. She enjoyed it immensely.
Well, take care and remember Frank Zappa's immortal tune -- "Going to Montana soon, going to be a dental floss tycoon.."
P.S. My brother Danny has switched from a Ph.D. program in Amer Studies to -- guess what -- Library Science (M.A.) There's your replacement in Deer Lodge in bout a year and a half. (long time!)
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