February 23, 1977 (Letter from Barb L)

An evening trip to Amherst to see this Robert Altman film.


Yes I am writing you a letter on this fine spring-like day.  When the weather changes it's always time to get in touch again.  I always enjoy hearing from you -- your letters are so complete as to everyday life.  It's nice to revel.  Well, I have an event to announce -- ready?  Mardi gave birth to twin boys on Saturday the 19th!  Far out huh?  Baby A and Baby B have since been named Jeremy Glenn and Ryan Stephen.  I don't know which "Marty" was more in shock -- I think everyone was!  It was totally unexpected by all concerned.  Mardi had no trouble though -- she looked good even the same day.  Jeremy was 4 lbs 12 oz & Ryan about 6 1/2.  I went out Sat. Nite w/ Martin & Gino to celebrate (?) -- he still was in shock -- doesn't know whether to buy the new house & spend all that time fixing it up & have Mardi alone w/ three kids for a month or what.  I think Mardi is going to get into this a lot more than she did w/ Matthew.  She's breastfeeding the twins & feels like a first-time mother.  She comes home today & of course Yolanda is taking a couple days off work so things will be under control.

That was the big event of the weekend -- another one was Timmy's graduation from nursing school.  To celebrate all these occasions I gook Monday off as a mental health day.  We don't' get any holidays at all & I thought it was time for one.  Had to go to class that nite anyway.  I probably haven't told you (since I haven't written!) -- I'm taking a class at J.C.C. -- Film Study & Appreciation.  Went & borrowed the money from the bank to take it (duh!).  I really enjoy it & I like to have one activity during the winter.  I have gone from Auto Mechanics to Karate to Films.  You can't say I'm not open-minded!  I've found that the emphasis is more historical & technical than I thought it would be.  We're still on the early films -- Eisenstein, D. W. Griffith, etc.  We probably won't be seeing any new films.  I think our prof. has seen every film that was ever made.  He's very knowledgeable & really nice so it should be a good experience.  Orson Welles is coming to JCC the 30th of March & before that I have to give a report on the "Significance of Citizen Kane". 

What else have I been doing?  Seems like I've been planning a lot of parties!  First, the Youth Group (high school kids) & I gave a party for the workshop people & kids from special classes.  We had a band play & had a big time!  That was in January.  Then I had a party in the apt for Patsy's birthday.  Then I had a shower for Mardi, which turned out fine even though it was not your "traditional" shower.  All we did was eat!  I made all this groovy stuff -- it was fun.  Joan came up from Franklin too. (You know she's expecting also -- this summer?)

I've also been having ups & downs w/ Rick.  We're pretty much broken off normal relations but it's too early to tell which way it will go.  We have a definite difference of opinion in some very important areas.  (Bet you couldn't tell this was coming when you were here -- duh!)  To further keep things moving, Patsy is moving out this coming weekend.  She's moving into Grace's apt & will pay 1/2 of what she pays now.  Her finances are a mess & she's trying to get out of the hole & save money to move back to Minneapolis in June.  So I will be alone for awhile, going broke but I'm sure something will come up & change things.  That's been the pattern for the past year.  As soon as I get settled in one frame of mind everything changes.

Well, I'm at work &^ it's time to go do the mail.  I will do it & eat lunch & finish later.  I want to go out for a while too.  It is so warm out.  I can't believe it.  After the month of January this is like summer!  54!  See you later.

Back at the old job -- which is non-existent right now -- we're in limbo waiting to hear about funding.  For a month I've just been hanging in there.  That's why I'm doing the Grandview mail.  Gives me something to do.  This state of having no work to do is a new one.  If I have no work I'd rather not have a job at all & at least have the time to myself.  There's a meeting on Monday the 28th.  I should know by then what the story is.

It seems like I'm very busy lately outside of work but actually nothing of importance is happening.  The way this winter has been I've hardly been out of town all winter.  My plans outside of the day to day aspect of things are vague.  I know I should be out of Warren before next winter & I will be.  The idea of going back to school in Boston has been considered but not to seriously.  My attention is not on career matters now.  Seems to be focused on the personal.  At times when I see myself clearly I see how much needs to be done just on myself, but you have to live the other aspects of life at the same time too.  Seems that you always get that feeling around mid-winter that nothing will change so you just sit back & watch the tube or make yourself an ice cream sundae & let yourself have a few more cigarettes than you really need.  In order to get more fully into this mood, I bought a TV (used) last week & I've just been grooving out lately on old favorites -- MASH, Sat. nite, etc.  I guess I'm set for the rest of the winter.  Are you coming at Easter?  One visit before summer would be nice.  Th is was definitely not hte winter to be here!  Springfield was probably a hassle but be glad you werent' her w/ no roads.  Call me sometime if y ou get a chance (collect from pay phone) -- # is 726-1860.  Take care & keep writing!

I forgot to tell you "the latest" -- (Oh how gross -- I'm getting into gossip.)

Yolanda has a new boyfriend.  He's from Pgh or Erie & has a camp here.  From what I can tell, it's a really nice relationship & she seems to have perked up considerably!  Ain't love grand.  Even its invitations [?} aren't too bad, for a time.

February 8, 1975 (Letter from Barb L)

How long have I been here anyway?  This is the first installment from Warren since Christmas -- I can't believe my gross neglect of just about all correspondence, including my journal.  It was good to hear from you again.  When you described your yearning for the road again, I felt a wince of recognition -- the spell comes over me frequently, but I never see myself as I used to be.  I feel that my desire is to recreate my spiritual state at that time, as exemplified by my mobility then.  As things are now, I don't know how to express that yearning for freedom in an age (?) appropriate manner.  I was talking to Mardi about this last Thursday (while Martin was out bowling) and she commented that these feelings are no longer in her life at all and she never thinks of them. The thrust of her statement was that she's a completely satisfied person, now that she has a job that she likes again.  This was the 2nd time that we've "talked" in 3 months, and it didn't do anything to bridge the tremendous gulf between us.  The only rapport we seem to have is talking about feelings in the past -- it's uncanny.  She has taken on many of Martin's attitudes and seems quite content with them.  I just don't know how to talk about it -- it seems so weird to me! No matter how she puts out the story that she's happy, there's no sparkle in her as there always was before -- I don't know, I can't put  my finger on it.  Since we both started working I don't see her anyway -- I call her once in a while and say hello -- in between social engagements.

Yes, I got a job.  Have worked for 1 weeks for low, low money   Am working for ANC Enterprises on Conewango Ave -- a sheltered workshop for retarded and handicapped adults.  This guy and I were hired as aides.  I'm supposed to be teaching arts and crafts, but since I don't know beans about arts and crafts I'm learning along with them.  We had both registered at CETA -- the federal manpower thing and were placed there.  I don't  know if I'm enthusiastic about it or not -- some days I like it and some I wonder what I'm doing there!  Much time is needed to form a relationship to each of the people because there' such a diversity -- some have IQ's below 70, some are crippled w/ brain damage, some are recently discharged State Hospital patients, most are on medication, too.  I think my role as aide is the problem, because I have no real responsibility and can't make any policy, even as far as what we're going to do for an afternoon.  After my job at Children's I'm used to taking responsibility and being independent.  Other than that aspect, I like what I'm doing although what I really wanted was to work with children, as opposed to mental-age children!  It seems that I never have a chance in this area (Warren) to do what I want to do.  People seem to be more rigid in their hiring, being more impressed w/ a B.A. from Edinboro than with much (or any) relevant experience or aptitude.  I'm going through the usual culture shock of living there.  Everytime I'm here I look at the whole scene a little differently -- I always sense a certain shallowness in attitudes that I don't  find among even the neighborhood people in Boston.  They have a certain knowledge and toughness that there is not evidence of here.  I can look at myself and acknowledge my own attitudes when I first left school and went to Mass and they seemed to be based on a pretty shaky foundation.  I would not want to bring up a family in Warren. Smalltown life may be more stifling mentality than city life for kids.  Duh -- who knows.

Now that I have a job I don't know how I'm going to pull off this travelling to Montana, but never fear, I will think of something.  What I'm thinking of it coming out and staying for a month or so -- I'd have to sell my car, if it lasts still spring that is!  It barely makes it around Warren.  Brakes just went on it again so I've been carless all week.  Just had a whole bunch of work done a few weeks ago to get my PA inspection.  shit, nothing hash worked out in an easy way.  When I really wanted to come out in August I could have done it but I felt too responsible to my job and couldn't gracefully get out of it till late October.  I felt a commitment both to the kids and to the staff.  I wished that I could have stayed there but still left Boston.  Boy am I confused!  Meanwhile, Rick is still calling me -- shades of 2 years ago.  As usual, he wants me to come back and then of course we could be happy in some fairy tale.  He doesn't  even have an inkling that he is reaching back to about a 6 month period three years ago and labeling it "happiness".  I could never be that person again.  What bums me out is that since then I have failed to encounter a man who I want to have a close relationship with.  It's incredible -- after all these recent years of hordes of people passing through, everyone seems to be permanently placed in a slot.  Where did the people our age go?  Are they all married with families or what?  Did you know that I turned 26 last month?  Ye gods -- I have a nagging sensation that I should be carving out a career for myself and making house payments instead of watching the sunset and lighting up to Dave Mason!  I think "dissonance" is the descriptive term.  One nite in Jan, Timmy and Rita and Rita's brother, Peter and I went out -- went to the Drafthouse, played pool, etc. -- then went over to Jon Thorton's house (another brother -- who is working here at Legal Services) and listened to "our time" records -- when we heard "Truckin" we all looked at each other.  It was like alma mater, in comparison to the gray reality that is today.  Have we all outgrown our ideas or has everything changed around us silently?  Did you know that Warren has its own little counterculture?  I keep running into these stray people -- this long-haired guy whose here setting up a half-way house (fresh from Boston!), the lawyer at Legal Services (another freak fresh from B.U.!), the guy running CETA (ditto) -- there are more -- I don't know why these people end up in Warren, Pa but here we all are.  First I deal w/ this group and w/ the clients at work, then I may go up to Timmy's and get stoned in Scandia, then I walk into Mardi's and Marti's and it's a different world, what can I say -- do your thing, man!



I went down to Meadville to see Joan 2 weekends ago -- was very curious as to how she was getting along.  Her divorce proceedings are almost over and she'll be free again, free again.  I was honestly impressed w/ the Unity Center as far as their day-care program goes -- it's one of the best I've seen.  Joan is extremely busy and is working at her job 24 hours a day, which she should cut down on, but what's important is that she needs this commitment now so let it be.  She has a apt upstairs from Freddie's sister and her husband and baby, -- there 2 are real nice people, completely opposite from Freddie.  They're poor of course, but graceful and friendly.  I felt that Joan was doing the best I've seen her in 4 years.  The old wheel keeps a-turnin' for us all.

So -- so much for me, you, Mardi, and Joan.  We're all in our usual places I guess -- Joan's committed, Mardi's secure, I'm learning, and you're independent.  Think of the confusion if we decided to switch roles, which if we were really free, we'd be able to do at will.  "Conscious labor and intentional suffering" -- that's Gurdjieff.  Get ahold of his books if you feel like stretching your mind out to nowhere   Meetings w/ Remarkable Men and Beelzebub's Tales to his Grandson are the ones that are most readily available.   I used to read him on the subway last year -- talk about splitting your worlds!  I admit at the closing that I miss Beantown, only because it's winter and that's the time to be there if you're going to be there at all and I do miss the music -- live, on radio, records, etc.  This is a desert for music.  I did hook up my radio to the TV cable so once in awhile I get Buffalo and Erie.  But they can't compare to CAS in Cambridge, my favorite station of all time. Warren FM has hit an all-time low -- now it's the "piped-in music" genre -- gross.  But Leroy Schneck likes it so what can I say?  I will now head on downstairs to watch the late show -- this is a groovy Saturday night alright.  I really wish you were here, Paul for you unsurpassed companionship, camaraderie and all that.  I would take Harry out with me, but they won't let her in the movies    Isn't that narrow of them?  They did on the Vineyard!  They had this two-bit theater in Vineyard Haven complete w/wooden chairs and a home-movie screen and I took Harry once. She enjoyed it immensely.

Well, take care and remember Frank Zappa's immortal tune -- "Going to Montana soon, going to be a dental floss tycoon.."

P.S.  My brother Danny has switched from a Ph.D. program in Amer Studies to -- guess what -- Library Science (M.A.)  There's your replacement in Deer Lodge in bout a year and a half.  (long time!)

February 27, 1974 (Letter from Barb)

Today is Ash Wednesday and that means spring and that leads to summer and I can't believe it!  I'm sorry about my seine of time here and also about my lack of correspondence -- I have no excuse except the usual (for me) -- constant hassle, I have seldom experienced a more unproductive and hassled six months -- I think the problem originated w/ my not listening to the right voice about a year back when I was making some decisions.  I haven't had the right strength to get thru this shit positively her e-- I really got royally screwed my by landlord and was forced to move -- I don't even want to go into it.  I'm living w/ Terry and Kathy (from Humboldt Street) in Charlestown -- moved Sunday and Rick helped me move.  The place is not bad although the building looks like a firetrap from the outside -- the apt is OK and you can't beat the price -- $98/no including heat between the 3 of us.  The neighborhood is families but very industrial -- no trees or grass that I can see, it's right near the Bunker Hill Monument -- that's the only cultural find so far.  I have generally lost all my enthusiasm for Boston w/ the bad luck I've had this time.  It's amazing how things can work out so well as they did before when I lived here and so shitty as they do now --  as you can see, I'm not exactly thriving -- fuck it.  I can't blame the city -- I can only blame myself for coming back here when I knew I shouldn't.

New subject -- Harry says hi -- she likes being in the new place cause she's never alone - Terry's cat is her buddy.  The reason I'm writing this now is that I want you to call Teddy -- he's in Pittsburgh now for a few more weeks before he goes out to Columbus -- I talked to his cousin and he said Teddy's been working hard and doesn't know anybody is Pgh so maybe you could call him and offer your services in getting ripped together -- I'll give you his # when I get home to finish this -- I'm just leaving work now. More later.

Hello again -- here's the # -- 824-4300 Ext. 325 -- he's staying at a Quality Inn in North Versaillies, wherever that is, wonder why everybody's ending up in Pittsburgh -- breathtaking Gateway Center -- Greyhound station -- I wish I was back in Pgh and could start all over.  I would have thrown the finger at Seton Hill long before I did!

How ya doin anyway?  It seems to be getting toward the end -- do you finish in June or August?  Then you'll be one of the few professionals among us -- (professional what?)

Have you heard from anybody?  I haven't.  How about Michael?  Is he still not talking to his father?  Hey, Timmy's taking karate at home from Tom Handest's wife -- this is his activity now - he's still not over Rita and is laying low.  Daddy's news is that Jeech is missing -- nothing new -- he always takes off now.  Of course Mama doesn't go anywhere.  Nobody has any news these days.  I haven't heard from the Graves -- no late bulletins on the state of the house-building.   What can I say?  I'm not in tune to these people anymore.  I threw the I Ching Sat nite and put "nourishment" -- in mind and body, rejoin your own kind and the opposite was restraint -- no hard restraint now.  I guess it is the time to be connected to people again -- the cycles always go away from or toward people -- would be nice to break out of the cycle altogether -- now that would be progress!

Write soon and take care -- if you do talk to Teddy, tell him I said hi -- I wish I could come and visit you both -- I fell like going somewhere -- Duh,  no kidding.

P.S.   Terry and Kathy say hello, hello -- Terry's looking for a job again.

December 5, 1973 (Letter from Barb)

It's not my arm that's not functioning, but my head--  I've begun to write about 6 times, and I enclose one of my efforts (didn't), written, like the others in between moving boxes, suitcases, furniture, sleeping, eating, and working.  I haven't yet located my writing paper but I'm sure it will turn up.

I moved.  Y es, goodbye Humboldt Street and no heat, no repairs, and no food in the refrigerator.  In between I spent a week at Rick's (hassle, hassle, hassle!), and I'm safely ensconced in my own apt.  I like it even tho I have no idea how I'll pay for it every month.  It's really homey, w' high, slanting ceilings, a big back porch, 3 rooms and a bathroom on the 3rd floor of a house -- lots of trees around a field for Harry the dog.

Fact #2:  Rick and I have broken up again -- this happens once very other week.  Many problems which will never be resolved -- we'll probably still see each other-- who knows.  (or cares??)  He and his friend, Mac have a house in Roxbury -- nice house too.

Well, Paul, where do I begin?  Have things continued to develop or is your head settled down after each new awakening experience -- I hope I didn't violate a confidence by discussing this 23/ Rick at the time you letter arrived, to get a male point of view, much different from my own, I might add!  He seems to think that your real life history is only beginning, as far as feeling goes.  He doesn't see the danger that I see, but thinks that there is a long road to come, but isn't there for everyone?  (my addition)

I was reminded forcefully of my own feelings during certain vital, truly alive times, usually associated with unfamiliar places and new people -- the sudden closeness and warmth of just being with these people, who -- when you turn your mind back to it at another time -- seems to have lost the radiance and are only faces 2/ a remembered name and place.  But the chance is irreversible and no amount of looking back will change you back into what you once were.  The similarities in the feelings aroused are so great, I wonder if it's a universal experience, but perhaps only open to those who in a certain time and place accept the possibility -- ?  It's frightening to think about before it ever happens but while it's happening -- pure exhilaration.  Of course, my experiences were as "comprehensive" as what you have described -- I mean, including so many, regardless of role, sex, or personality -- I'd way you stepped off the board and right into the deep end.  The other end would be progressing from one individual relationship to another, keeping a firm control on continuity and becoming in a slow way a more complex version of yourself.  The old RATIONAL MIND -- no question of ever losing ego control.  Now there's nothing wrong w/ this way except there's all the effort of control and rationalization and always some regret.  Now, what you've done is the opposite -- total immersion -- a realization of a possible infinite #'s of new you's -- not rationally planned.  The ego is suspected (I wish I could think of another word instead of sounding like a text book, but you know what I mean!) -- but it will come back and try to establish it's own continuity.  Brought up as we are in this world, which worships the ego, we have no choice but to follow this cycle through.  No matter what continuity you finally establish in your ind, I don't think you'll fee any regret as to what's happened.  Even if you find yourself somewhere you never thought you'd be, you won't even want to be where you had always planned on being!  Duh!  So much for your head-- what about all the people you left behind in the old sphere of things -- do you really expect you can reach back and w/ your own power, just bring them along w/ your words and explanations?   You're welcome to try, but will learn something trying.  Here comes the danger -- are you willing to line in a sphere with -- at times -- non one else in it, for an undetermined amount of time?  Do we really want this kind of freedom, I mean not just the idea of it, but the living of it, this is what they wrote all those books about when we were in school and we read and said "Right on, of course everyone wants this", but when you find that no everyone wants it at all, what do you think?  You can stand there and watch as your friends drop into one niche or another, by accommodation, by marriage (no elaboration needed on this one!), by a lot of different ways and what is your choice -- to go on alone, or to keep what you've got but stop there and continue what you were doing and where you were headed before the question ever came up?

As for me to respond to you -- of course I still am responding in the old known way -- don't think words can ever really reach that part of another person.  What a frustration to find out that you so seldom reach anybody and hardly ever with words.   More and more now (from now on up to our parent's level -- or down?) -- people have a lot to lose by changing their course -- they have a balance worked out and it wasn't easy and they're not about to give it up for someone else's vision of how things should be.   Sad, but true -- it's like asking our parents to smoke grass and get into it they simply have too much to lose at this stage of the game and there's no guarantee!  You might not win the big game -- the way they are, they're fairly wise to say no. Think of that when you feel disappointed when people won't respond to you.  I will respond as best I can, within my own time and place and without any loss of my own balance, that's all anyone can do -- at the state we're at, no one is going to leave their own hard-won perception behind for yours -- this is life in the grown-up world.  It's not what we expected it to be is it?  We always thought we'd always be totally open to anything and you turn around and see your self limiting certain spheres out of your range forever.  I've said too much already -- I probably could have summed this all up in a line or two if I had the real clarity of thought you're looking for.  I'm only another one "on the way", like you.  I'm very interested in your thoughts now, after this amount of time has gone by -- if you don't write before Christmas, I'll see you in Warren then.  I'm definitely coming home for Christmas -- trying to get a ride now but I have reservations if I don't.

I hope this will serve as the feedback you wanted-- I'm sure you've heard from other people by now and maybe this will add something to their responses -- I'm glad you decided to write the letter -- it certainly was a "moving" experience.

Take care!

I've talked to Mardi  -- I've buried all my doubts for now and am just trying to gain some support.  (She wants to go out and see Bill!  No surprise, right?  I advised her against it, biting my tongue to keep from saying a lot of things, but if she decides to chance it, she'll do it I'm sure.  Joan and Freddie are now in Meadville, Pa -- one of their strings of Penna towns -- I have no address.  My brother Tim is at home working at the State, substitute teaching at Warren High (weird!) and buying a car -- his girlfriend, Rita, has never been heard of again after going down to Texas to see the Maharishi -- and I'm in old Boston fixing up a new apt. and going nowhere new I suppose!  Warren at Christmas should be interesting!

Now I'll end this -- happy holidays!

February 18, 1971 (Letter from Barb Lucia)

Hi there boobie -- have you forgotten your long lost roomie -- due to my great letter writing lately, I am losing every friend I ever had!

How's your semester going?  My life is at its usual February peak -- whoopee.  Both my roommates are away all this week -- one is a teacher and gets the week off and Pam has the week off too -- so they're tripping the light fantastic around the countryside -- so it's me and the dog holding things down here.  I am still spaced from last weekend -- duh!  I went up to Maine with a chick friend and stayed at a farmhouse 2/ a million freaks -- loaded from the word go.  I've never seen so much dope in one place -- bricks and bricks or hash on the kitchen table, canisters of grass, a canister of cocaine (powder) -- another one of orange acid -- what a freaky weekend.  I was waking up at night getting hits in my sleep -- they were doing cocaine but I passed on that one -- stuck with the smoke and the hash brownies.  They had a little kid about 2 years old who was up all night tripping-- she got into the acid.  Hey, safe!  I drove home through the mounds of snow not knowing shit -- duh!  And I was driving a standard which took my utmost concentration just to stay on the road.  This week itself was quiet -- I finally went to a doctor and got some BCP pills -- now in case I ever screw again -- oh such immoral lives we lead.  Speaking of the famed subject -- I got a letter form Mrs. Joan Stevens of Fayetteville, N. Carolina -- know her?  Yes, Joanie Pic did it -- she had a miscarriage while still at Clarion.  She sounds good in the letter.  I'm still freaked by the whole thing.  I heard through the Warren grapevine that Margie and Ward have completely disinherited her of the family fortunate.  Did you ever meet Freddie?  I can't remember if you did or not.  God, I can just see Joan's parents when she told them -- I guess Joan will never be in Warren again!  True to our predictions, Renee was 1st, then Joan -- now it's a toss-up between Tina and Mardi.  I don't know if Bill and Mardi will even bother to get married.  Can you see Anderson at a wedding -- not bombed!

So much for Joan and Renee and Mark.  When's he getting hitched?  I wish Mrs. P and Mr. Sayles would have a wedding so we could go to it but if they do get married, I don't think they'll have a big deal.

More news from the home front -- Timmy flunked out of Edinboro.  I don't know how that can be done but he did it.  So now he's home and happy about it.  He has to get a job and pay back a $400 bank loan cause he didn't get his state money naturally since he didn't pass.  My father is there, "Well, that's three out of three!"  He's so witty!  Of course, we're all so stable anyway.  Timmy is making me look sensible lately.  Of course, I haven't done anything drastic lately either.  What's up for the summer?  Or should I ask?  I've got the urge for going but I also have got a good job (I don't believe I just said that -- oh I've got a good job!)  Of course I won't decide anything until the summer is upon us -- can't feature a pleasant summer in Roxbury, with the garbage, heat, etc.  Yech, I'd have to have a damn good reason to stay here and I don't have a good reason!  So there.

Mardi and Bill are looking for a new place (that's new) -- they still have no money.  Hey, dink, did you get my valentine -- I'm so cute, sending valentines -- I even sent none to Mrs. P cause I knew she'd send me one.

Well, kiddo, have to close now -- just hang in there till spring.  Mardi says she's coming out here in the spring -- hell will freeze over too.  If you get a vacation you come too -- you're always welcome and we could all be together again -- wouldn't that be neato, Paul?  (Take out the garbage!)  Take care and write.  Peace and love and all that.