December 11, 1976 (Letter from Harriet)

It's 1:00 AM.  I've just come home and decided at the time was ripe for this letter to happen.  Paul, I was really touched by your letter.  I never expected it.  I didn't think that I'd ever hear from you again.

Paul, do you remember when we met, just about a year ago?  Although the attracted was physical, for sure, the spiritual aspect was there, at least for me.  If you remember, I told you that I had been having bad times and that I was not that happy those days.  That was an understatement.  When we met, I thought that you could make me laugh & bring me out of the depression.  I guess our distance aborted that from happening.  I had just spent a relationship with someone trying to draw him out -- getting at the feelings and emotions that were deep down under. That experience really drained me.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm feeling better these days, more confident about myself and happy about my life.  I feel, though, that I'm exhausted, tired with trying to get someone to tell me about themselves.  I want someone to look closely at me, try to understand my inner workings, and draw me out.  I hope that you understand.

What I'm saying.  I'm not sure that a relationship between us could work.  Instead, let us keep the friendship that should have started in the first place.  I'm going to California for a few weeks & will be back in January sometime.  Write & tell me what you think.  Have a Merry Christmas -- will you be in Pennsylvania?  Tell me what you are doing with yourself -- this year you will not be having a traditional 10 day vacation -- those days are over!  As for me -- finals are here again!!

P.S.  Have your heard from Tony??

November 1, 1976 (Letter from Harriet)

It's been a while and I haven't heard from you.  What has happened?  Our last rendezvous was certainly strange, and I don't know what to make of it.  It's frustrating, because I really wanted to talk about the whole thing, and I know that you didn't.  I can't decide whether to think that you didn't think (still following me?) that talking about it was worth it, or that you just had a hard time relating your feelings to me.  Maybe it will be easier to sort your feelings out in a letter.

As for me, I was only questioning the nature of our relationships.  I think that the first time that we slept together I told you that I was shy and didn't usually do things like that so quickly.  Well it was the truth.  Usually, I take things pretty slow and feel a strong affection and closeness with a man before I let him get physically close to me.  That weekend, I couldn't figure out why the closeness wasn't coming, and I was feeling shy and uncomfortable sleeping with you.  I felt that I wanted to get to know you better before I really opened up my soul.  Do you understand what I mean?  I hope so.

Maybe we were meant to be friends so that we might explore each other's minds, and if the hearts follows, so be it.

I hope that our friendship isn't over -- I have the feeling that you are purposelyo not writing to me. Tell me what you are thinking.

P.S.  I am helping some friends out with yoga & could use the help of my book.  Are you doe with it?

February 8, 1975 (Letter from Barb L)

How long have I been here anyway?  This is the first installment from Warren since Christmas -- I can't believe my gross neglect of just about all correspondence, including my journal.  It was good to hear from you again.  When you described your yearning for the road again, I felt a wince of recognition -- the spell comes over me frequently, but I never see myself as I used to be.  I feel that my desire is to recreate my spiritual state at that time, as exemplified by my mobility then.  As things are now, I don't know how to express that yearning for freedom in an age (?) appropriate manner.  I was talking to Mardi about this last Thursday (while Martin was out bowling) and she commented that these feelings are no longer in her life at all and she never thinks of them. The thrust of her statement was that she's a completely satisfied person, now that she has a job that she likes again.  This was the 2nd time that we've "talked" in 3 months, and it didn't do anything to bridge the tremendous gulf between us.  The only rapport we seem to have is talking about feelings in the past -- it's uncanny.  She has taken on many of Martin's attitudes and seems quite content with them.  I just don't know how to talk about it -- it seems so weird to me! No matter how she puts out the story that she's happy, there's no sparkle in her as there always was before -- I don't know, I can't put  my finger on it.  Since we both started working I don't see her anyway -- I call her once in a while and say hello -- in between social engagements.

Yes, I got a job.  Have worked for 1 weeks for low, low money   Am working for ANC Enterprises on Conewango Ave -- a sheltered workshop for retarded and handicapped adults.  This guy and I were hired as aides.  I'm supposed to be teaching arts and crafts, but since I don't know beans about arts and crafts I'm learning along with them.  We had both registered at CETA -- the federal manpower thing and were placed there.  I don't  know if I'm enthusiastic about it or not -- some days I like it and some I wonder what I'm doing there!  Much time is needed to form a relationship to each of the people because there' such a diversity -- some have IQ's below 70, some are crippled w/ brain damage, some are recently discharged State Hospital patients, most are on medication, too.  I think my role as aide is the problem, because I have no real responsibility and can't make any policy, even as far as what we're going to do for an afternoon.  After my job at Children's I'm used to taking responsibility and being independent.  Other than that aspect, I like what I'm doing although what I really wanted was to work with children, as opposed to mental-age children!  It seems that I never have a chance in this area (Warren) to do what I want to do.  People seem to be more rigid in their hiring, being more impressed w/ a B.A. from Edinboro than with much (or any) relevant experience or aptitude.  I'm going through the usual culture shock of living there.  Everytime I'm here I look at the whole scene a little differently -- I always sense a certain shallowness in attitudes that I don't  find among even the neighborhood people in Boston.  They have a certain knowledge and toughness that there is not evidence of here.  I can look at myself and acknowledge my own attitudes when I first left school and went to Mass and they seemed to be based on a pretty shaky foundation.  I would not want to bring up a family in Warren. Smalltown life may be more stifling mentality than city life for kids.  Duh -- who knows.

Now that I have a job I don't know how I'm going to pull off this travelling to Montana, but never fear, I will think of something.  What I'm thinking of it coming out and staying for a month or so -- I'd have to sell my car, if it lasts still spring that is!  It barely makes it around Warren.  Brakes just went on it again so I've been carless all week.  Just had a whole bunch of work done a few weeks ago to get my PA inspection.  shit, nothing hash worked out in an easy way.  When I really wanted to come out in August I could have done it but I felt too responsible to my job and couldn't gracefully get out of it till late October.  I felt a commitment both to the kids and to the staff.  I wished that I could have stayed there but still left Boston.  Boy am I confused!  Meanwhile, Rick is still calling me -- shades of 2 years ago.  As usual, he wants me to come back and then of course we could be happy in some fairy tale.  He doesn't  even have an inkling that he is reaching back to about a 6 month period three years ago and labeling it "happiness".  I could never be that person again.  What bums me out is that since then I have failed to encounter a man who I want to have a close relationship with.  It's incredible -- after all these recent years of hordes of people passing through, everyone seems to be permanently placed in a slot.  Where did the people our age go?  Are they all married with families or what?  Did you know that I turned 26 last month?  Ye gods -- I have a nagging sensation that I should be carving out a career for myself and making house payments instead of watching the sunset and lighting up to Dave Mason!  I think "dissonance" is the descriptive term.  One nite in Jan, Timmy and Rita and Rita's brother, Peter and I went out -- went to the Drafthouse, played pool, etc. -- then went over to Jon Thorton's house (another brother -- who is working here at Legal Services) and listened to "our time" records -- when we heard "Truckin" we all looked at each other.  It was like alma mater, in comparison to the gray reality that is today.  Have we all outgrown our ideas or has everything changed around us silently?  Did you know that Warren has its own little counterculture?  I keep running into these stray people -- this long-haired guy whose here setting up a half-way house (fresh from Boston!), the lawyer at Legal Services (another freak fresh from B.U.!), the guy running CETA (ditto) -- there are more -- I don't know why these people end up in Warren, Pa but here we all are.  First I deal w/ this group and w/ the clients at work, then I may go up to Timmy's and get stoned in Scandia, then I walk into Mardi's and Marti's and it's a different world, what can I say -- do your thing, man!



I went down to Meadville to see Joan 2 weekends ago -- was very curious as to how she was getting along.  Her divorce proceedings are almost over and she'll be free again, free again.  I was honestly impressed w/ the Unity Center as far as their day-care program goes -- it's one of the best I've seen.  Joan is extremely busy and is working at her job 24 hours a day, which she should cut down on, but what's important is that she needs this commitment now so let it be.  She has a apt upstairs from Freddie's sister and her husband and baby, -- there 2 are real nice people, completely opposite from Freddie.  They're poor of course, but graceful and friendly.  I felt that Joan was doing the best I've seen her in 4 years.  The old wheel keeps a-turnin' for us all.

So -- so much for me, you, Mardi, and Joan.  We're all in our usual places I guess -- Joan's committed, Mardi's secure, I'm learning, and you're independent.  Think of the confusion if we decided to switch roles, which if we were really free, we'd be able to do at will.  "Conscious labor and intentional suffering" -- that's Gurdjieff.  Get ahold of his books if you feel like stretching your mind out to nowhere   Meetings w/ Remarkable Men and Beelzebub's Tales to his Grandson are the ones that are most readily available.   I used to read him on the subway last year -- talk about splitting your worlds!  I admit at the closing that I miss Beantown, only because it's winter and that's the time to be there if you're going to be there at all and I do miss the music -- live, on radio, records, etc.  This is a desert for music.  I did hook up my radio to the TV cable so once in awhile I get Buffalo and Erie.  But they can't compare to CAS in Cambridge, my favorite station of all time. Warren FM has hit an all-time low -- now it's the "piped-in music" genre -- gross.  But Leroy Schneck likes it so what can I say?  I will now head on downstairs to watch the late show -- this is a groovy Saturday night alright.  I really wish you were here, Paul for you unsurpassed companionship, camaraderie and all that.  I would take Harry out with me, but they won't let her in the movies    Isn't that narrow of them?  They did on the Vineyard!  They had this two-bit theater in Vineyard Haven complete w/wooden chairs and a home-movie screen and I took Harry once. She enjoyed it immensely.

Well, take care and remember Frank Zappa's immortal tune -- "Going to Montana soon, going to be a dental floss tycoon.."

P.S.  My brother Danny has switched from a Ph.D. program in Amer Studies to -- guess what -- Library Science (M.A.)  There's your replacement in Deer Lodge in bout a year and a half.  (long time!)

August 27, 1974 (Letter from Leslie)

Am sitting here listening to WRPI and the music they are playing is wiping me out.  "Countdown to Ecstasy" continues to fascinate me with Joni Mitchell's "Court and Spark"  carrying on at a parallel level.  Good musicianship is soothing to my ear.  I think you are one of the possible few who have the same feelings about music that I do and I really miss listening to it with you.  I missed having your presence in touch with me and I am glad to begin again.

Today classes started again, strange to be in school again and yet the feel of fall approaching and classes starting is quite ingrained especially scenes from Buffalo.  At fall old memories are recalled with clarity and passion.

By the end of the month I had to have my car inspected so I called yesterday and made arrangements to have it don today.  I got to the garage at twenty of nine and left it about 12:10.  The man said I needed 3 new tires and he went to price some tire for me.   I was not surprised -- I had noticed thin spots and had hoped they would go away.  Also the power steering was beginning to leak very bad so I had them repair that and I bought 5 new tires for the Dart.  Had changed the oil on Sunday so now I feel like I have a new car.  Of course, I paid for it cheerfully with my Amoco charge card.

Last Sunday was Women's Day celebration in Washington Park and it was an incredibly beautiful and satisfying day.  The sun was beaming and I just soaked it up for hours.  The first time I went with Carol and Rob and we walked around for a couple hours and then we went back for lunch and then Carol and I went bike riding (have some great houses to show you) and ended up watching a women's softball game in the park.  It was just one of those days that felt like there should be no work tomorrow only another day in the sun.  After that we rode back and the three of us had dinner together with Carol doing the cooking.

Yesterday I made banana bread using Carol's roommate's recipe.  I had forgotten that my mother had given me 7 bananas so they became very ripe, too ripe to eat as a banana.  I did not want to throw them out so thought about making banana bread.  Haven't baked in a long time and it felt good to be setting out my ingredients and pre-heating the oven.  It came out delicious and the batter made three good size loaves.  Put one in the freezer box -- excuse me a minute WRPI is playing this incredible song "Nixon's the one he is the only one we believe in Nixon N I X O N Nixon's the only one", all with a chorus and orchestration and a marching band at the end.  Whew can't believe that.  Back to the bread, one in the freezer one is being eaten and I'm giving the other one to Robin and Carol.  Next time I bake I will send you a sample as I will then have your address.

Soda is curled and purring in my lap.  I wish you were in my lap.

"Itchycoo Park" by Small Faces.  Have heard it before but didn't know who did it.  Also "I Can't Explains" by David Bowie -- didn't know he did that.  Well will pick up the pen later.

(9-30-74) -- I keep putting off writing to you -- there are a lot of things I want to say and I guess it doesn't matter what order they come in.  Obviously things have changed since I wrote the first part of the letter.

The day your letter arrived I knew it was coming, but I was not prepared for what you had to say.  I can't say if I was really surprised or not though I know I can't say I'm glad it's over.  I just feel very sad that we were never together when we should have been.  For over a year and a half we have seen each other very briefly and it's just made our relationship an impossibility.  Even before that I did not see you on a very regular basis so it is no wonder that you have not fallen in love with me. 

What the hell did you want with me?  Why was there so much ambiguity on your part?  When you did not write by the end of May I thought that it was over, but then you called and then later I saw you in New York City.  I really thought that you wanted to try again and now I get your letter.  I feel sad and I feel frustrated as hell.

I feel very upset -- seeing you again was like coming home.  I forgot how many of the same things we enjoyed and how nice it was to be held and to make love with you.  I would have come to you in Montana after I had graduated.   I'm glad you didn't wait until I came out to visit you in November to tell me this.  At the present time there is not much use in my coming to visit you.

I don't want to be friends and occasionally lovers.  I wanted to be lovers first and then friends.  I still do but if you have finally made up your mind, then you have made up your mind.  I'm not happy but I do not want to break off all contact with you yet, I am expecting you to write back and perhaps explain yourself a little better.

That's all I have to say right now -- I don't  feel like chatting about music.  Please note, I have moved -- maybe I will explain at a later day why.  My new address is:  14 Kent St. Albany, N.Y. 12206.  I'm not living with Robin and Nancy -- Carol lives downstairss.