July 31, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

Pittsburgh Press, November 3, 1948

Back from fantasy-land!  I really feel very relaxed today, but I definitely miss the beach.  Now I'm looking sourly at several heaps of wash that must be done by this evening.  One thing I really hate is unpacking.  I've been know to not unpack for days & just use other things-- until my mother would be ready to kill me.  Maybe it's because I don't like to see things end that were good & then again, maybe it's because I'm extremely lazy -- probably the latter!  Speaking of lazy, I promised myself I'd hem curtains for the dining room, but there they sit, near the wash, reprimanding me with every word I wrote.  Maybe I'd better do some things about at least 1 basket to assuage my conscience and then return?

There -- I fell better already.  Towels are in and everything else is sorted.  Are you still patronizing the laundry for your shirts?  (For shame, if you are.)  Is there a laundry in Deer Lodge?  I'm sure there must be (and if so, Tweety has found it?)

I can't think of a nicer honor than being on your dedication page, although I cannot really claim to have donated any of the spirit you speak of.  I do feel that you are talented & can accomplish your goal but only with lots of discipline, which I'm sure you already recognize.  That seems to be the most difficult part of any talent we are given.  Potential is only a foggy breath on glass.  Oh well--

Speaking of "literary" pursuits -- I was at GSLIS (blasphemy) & saw Grant Lee (do you think his parents must have been Civil War buffs?) & he mentioned the index & then proceeded to not be able to find it!  But he says he thinks it can get published.  God only knows when though.  I didn't mention it -- he did.  So we shall see.  Unhappily, I missed Kate.  I did want to see her. . People there told me that she wasn't well again.  She is still teaching, which is probably not doing her any good, but, then again, I suppose when people are active, being inactive may be more of a harm.

Maybe we can visit her when you come for a visit?  By the ways -- have any plans gelled on that lately.  Oct?  When -- how long, etc.?  I'm only being pushy because I'm anxious!  And also because one of the purposes of my being is to plan!  (And make alternate plans, too, of course.) Brook refuses to listen to any plans whatsoever because he doesn't believe -- but we know what concentration can do, don't we? I suppose that if enough plans go awry anyone can lose faith, huh?  Maybe even me.

Almost time for the shirts to go in.  I'd better bring them down.  Be right back.  Luckily I made tonight's dinner ahead of time and froze it -- uh, modern conveniences.  My grandmother still will not use any of these, though.  She gets up at 5:30 each morning & attends 6:00 mass and comes home by 7:00 after chatting with friends.  It takes her about 2 hrs to prepare their main meal which they have at 1:00 after my grandfather comes in from scouring the junk stores on Passyunk Avenue where he is well-known.  *(He likes gadgets!)  Maybe their life is better, but I doubt that life will ever be that way in America unless we have a catastrophe of some sort that forces it upon us. Maybe I should go to Idaho, just to live a simple life for awhile.  I know I could do it here, but I would not really be forced to.

I don't have a really automated life, I suppose.  I usually walk when I have to go somewhere (within reason, anyway) and I never use convenience foods unless I absolutely have to.

When we were on Brook's uncle's farm, something that really struck me was the number of convenience foods his aunt used.  I thought they would use all fresh things &  bake their own bread, etc.  I suppose this was rather naive of me.  They really hardly have any time to themselves -- let alone time for making bread.  My mother does these things, but she doesn't work, so it's really a luxury to be able to do them, I guess.  Getting up at 4:00 a.m. to milk 30 cows precludes bread-baking -- a new rule?

While we were on vacation I saw a drop spindle in a little shop which will let me do some of my own wool spinning.  It was only $3 and although it's difficult to learn to use, it will be better than paying $200 for a spinning wheel.  Now, all I need is some sheep's wool - I wonder if the neighbors would mind if I kept a black sheep in the back yard?  I doubt that they'd be pleased.

Oh well -- I guess I'll never get to 25 or 30 pages!

November 26, 1974

Whittier School hallway, Great Falls, Montana

Photo taken September 1974

Speaking of stationery...class, huh?  Just one glance into this box and its contents will reveal to you the secret workings of the maniacal mind, with all its twisted, circuitous routes.  The cigar box (compliments of Mr. Walker) was the strongest one I could find.  I wouldn't want Tweety's head squashed beyond recognition (although, maybe you don't even recognize his sweet face in the full now?)

Actually, when I first "began" Tweety, I had intended the day of his "completeness" to coincide with the day of your birth -- but human imperfection and laziness being personified in my being, such was not the case.  Please accept my contrite words of apology anyway.  You are now the proud (well, maybe that's putting it a little too strongly?) of one Tweet (not thoroughly approved by his owner, but loved all the more for his little imperfections).  Please note the scarf and how it carries out the "theme".

Last week I had the thrilling experience of returning once again to our old "Alma Mater" (funny, how I don't seem to be able to love her imperfections -- maybe there are only so many imperfections one can take!?)  Actually, I didn't want to go, because my last visit there awoke in my myriad strange feelings -- some good; some not so.  But I had called Kate a few weeks before and inadvertently mentioned that I'd be in to see her some day and unfortunately for me, she demanded me to be explicit -- i.e., I was to make an appointment....so.  Actually, I did like seeing her, but I would rather have seen her elsewhere.  I had intended to stop by quickly (*by going straight up to the seventh floor) and then leaving quietly.  But meeting Dr. Kryzs in the elevator foreshadowed disaster!  He was full of questions -- luckily I wasn't full of answers and I escaped.  Kate told me not to stay at this job longer than 1 year (I wish someone would stop saying that and do something constructive like tell me where to get another job.)  We had a nice chat and she was particularly interested in you.  I told her how happy you are and she was pleased.  Then I got up to leave.  I had left dough at home rising because I thought for use that I'd be home in time to roll it out and bake it and have it ready for dinner at 6:00.  But she asked if I had seen Wray and of course I said not.  So -- down to the 5th floor.  Everything has changed -- the library is now on the 3rd floor -- walls are gone, etc. very strange.

So -- I went down expecting to say hello-goodbye but surprisingly enough I talked to Wray (or rather, he talked to me) for almost 2 hours.  We never had a conversation like that before.  10 minutes at the most.  Actually, when I first saw him I felt extremely awkward, I just don't know why, but I couldn't find any words.  So -- then I got up to go and Mr. Lee called from his office and said "Aren't you going to visit with me?"  And really, I did want to see him.  By the way, he did not mention the index and I did not either because I figured if he had any spectacular news he would say it and he didn't so -- I see the index primarily as you do, although I would not mind seeing it published.  I was happy to do it because I feel that I got to know you lots better than if we hadn't and that's enough for it to have done, you know?

Paulie, I certainly did not expect a wedding present.  It was very sweet of you, but do not worry about getting it here quick.  Also, about letters, I would like very much if you, when one of my letters appeared, could be happy to receive it, and not worry about writing back so much.  Your letters are always welcome -- even the "mundane" ones.  I know how you feel.  I get in moods when I can't write much.  So don't feel you "must."  Even a short letter is better than none.  I don't wish to be a pest.  OK?

Brook feels as you do about Christmas.  I like it because I like to make things and stuff like that.  I like to decorate.  I suppose that is a very pagan attitude, but I look forward to it.  I do not like Christmas shopping or anything like that.  But I do hope you will change your mind and have a little tree?  You can decorate it simply.  I don't want to think of you there at Christmas alone.  I probably am making you sick so I will stop, but please reconsider?  Anyway, it is none of my business (but, of course) when did that ever stop me?

How nice about Ken and Denise.  I really don't think they could expect you to travel all that way, though.  It would be crazy.

Are you ever scared at work -- like when that fight occurred?  I don't know, I guess I'm really weird but I would be.

Did you look like you do now when you were 3?  (I mean minus the 6"2", of course) (actually, not minus all of it--)

Harvey mentioned the possibility of going back to the ministry.  I don't know though; he didn't seem really excited about It and I think if you're going to do something like that, you should be.  Oh, well, maybe he is and didn't show it.

Diane is terribly excited because she got Tweety glasses for you at Arby's (I think).  We are going to see her at Thanksgiving.  She's having dinner at my parents' since she wasn't going home for just one day   I really miss her very much.  We asked Bev, too, but she has the long weekend and is going home.

Speaking of Bev, I wrote out Robert's Christmas card last night.  It was certainly tame compared to some of the others that we've sent.  The idea is that I am now living in Philadelphia and missing Alabama's mild winters very much...poor Robert.  Bev said she saw him when she was home and he did not even stop to talk to her -- maybe he's guessed?  I don't know how, though.  It's really untraceable.  In a way, I feel sad now that I can only send him cards once a year, but actually he's probably very grateful and in a way it's better.

The people who live upstairs from us are from Washington State.  They wanted to come "east" for a few years.  They are quite nice.  (Vicki has a loom and will lend it to me.)  I've always wanted one but they are so expensive to buy.  Brook said he would make me one but if it gets done as quickly as the pottery wheel then I won't be able to use it, being crippled by arthritis.  I should not expect so much.  He's so busy not only with work but with this strange house.  He also is busy listening to me complain unnecessarily.

Only last week we spoke of selling this house and moving into some assembly-line apartment in which no plastering, sanding, painting, ----had to be done.  My passion for Victorian homes is slowly diminishing.  The people upstairs have lived here for 5 years and they are just beginning to be satisfied with all the work they've done.  We don't even know if we will be here that long.  I certainly don't  want to stay here for the rest of my life.  (Paul says, "enough, enough.")

Actually I don't need either a loom or a wheel because I won't have time to do anything like that. It's icing.  The house has to look half decent first, I guess.

I have to go in town today and naturally the weather is not cooperating at all.  It's raining and snowing -- slushy!yech.  But I simply cannot put this off anymore.  I'm so lazy lately (even lazier than before? he says, oh, it is not possible.)  By the time I get to work sometimes I am ready to leave, especially when I work til 10 on Thursday -- get home at 11:15 and have to get up at 6:30 Friday (I can't go to sleep at 11:15 -- especially after coming home from work.  I'm just too fidgety. I do regret it the next morning however.

Lately I'm been on this Graham Greene binge.  (Remember how I read everything Hardy wrote?) Well, I just started my 5th Greene novel and lo and behold -- on the dedication page a quote -- a Hardy quote (hmmmm).  I knew there had to be some connection.  Greene's characters seem fate-directed also, but not bound the way Hardy's are.  They have freedom to re-arrange things as they are set up and fate only presents them to situations.  That's how I feel fate really works, anyway.

It seems like I'm really boring, so...I'll stop for now.  (Paul says "whew!")

P.S.  Corneliusson -- I was reading a pamphlet on first name origins while I was organizing the vertical file at work and they explained in the intro how the origins of 1st and last names differed. You name just happened to be an example.  Just one line explaining how it had been shortened from that to Nelson.

October 7, 1974 (Letter from Sue)

Deer Lodge, Montana!  How quaint and rustique!  I was pleased to learn you actually did take the job -- imagine, you, the most bored of all in the underserved class, are actually serving them!  No, that's not sour grapes -- but aren't you glad now that you sat through my book talk in prisons?  (I'm sure it doesn't make a damned bit of difference!)

I'm sure that the change of pace is interesting.  I understand your feeling about leaving Pittsburgh -- one grows very fond of that funky old town -- I am often quite nostalgic.  But such a change from eastern industrialization to Rocky Mountain "high" can't be anything but intriging.  You living situation sounds very good -- I'm sure you'll get to know the other people in teh area, and I'm sure as well that you are making friends with many of the inmates (since, from what you tell me of their "crimes", there but for the grace of God go you...)

I told you about my friend in Albany who was a prison libn at Comstock, didn't I?  Just got a letter from him today -- he's fed up totally with his present job (academic lib -- serials -- Catholic private 4-yr college and a real drag as the place is run with an iron first by one of the Jesuits), but he's doing "counselling" (for lack of a better word) at the county jail.  If you ever want to get in touch with him re his experiences as prison libn, his name and address are Bill Demo, 390 Hamilton St., Albany, N.Y., as of 10/16 -- he's moving there.

I guess that I already told (fucking typewriter!) you that he was a part of the same library system  (god damn it) university system as you, as he got his MIS from SUNY Albany.

Your library sound really good -- good environment, etc.  It even sounds as if you have pretty much freedom in how you run it (Blue Oyster Cult, et al.), which is great (that was Bill's complaint -- that he couldn't deal with the warden at all). I think you may actually enjoy the next year or so.  I can certainly imagine you, out on the Dear Lodge mountain range, in teh midst of splendiferous autumnal sunsets, tucked away in  your little cottage in the winter as the cold mountain winds range about you ( I have this picture of McCabe and Mrs. Miller), but there you are, indifferent, with your boots off, yhour feet up in front of the fireplace, an open bottle of whiskey in front of you...(and a young lovely in the background?  I do hope so!)

And of course, there's always your work at the library to keep you warm.  Seriously, it does sound like a "rewarding experience" (whatever that is) -- as if you'll be able to , as you say, fill some sort of need in your "patrons" lives...(I've never liked the word patron  nor am I found of "user" or "reader" or "client".  How about libraryees?)  I think you've done admirably well, your first month out of library school.

As for my situation (I actually feel guilty not working yet) -- I am looking (we got the phone) (number 514-932-8378, just in case you ever need to call --) rather wholeheartedly as a matter of fact.  I did get one offer at one of the JC's in the area -- reference libn. night work with the potential to develop into full-time day work.  But I didn't take it as 1) I didn't like the library; 2) it was way too far away to commute, and 3) Bart and I would never have seen each other.

So far, the possibilities range from Fine Arts Ref at one of the local universities to Asst Libn at a public library (bilingual, with a chance to build up the children's collection) to subject indexing and aggressive telephoning at a local scandal rag.  The beset thing, though, is that I contacted the Archivist at McGill Library about oral history interviewing (they have a History of McGill project here, as well as an Oral Hist dept.) and he wrote back, asking me to come in for an interview.  Which I have tomorrow.  I don't know what this means (the fact of the interview), but at least we can talk about the possibilities, as finger-popper would say.  (Tho' I don't mean those kind of possibilities).  The Archivist is supposed to be "crotchety and brilliant" -- I'm really very eager to meet him.

The only thing that is disturbing me is:  what if I shouldn't find a job?  (A possibility which I have mentioned to no one else).  It would be such a blow to my grad-school ego!  It's such a drag hearing all the time how "tight" things are everywhere.  There seems to be lots of jobs for catalogers  but I just can't consider that.  It would be too debilitating.  I'd rather design information systems.

Of course, though, I will find a job -- it's just the limbo-esque quality of the job hunt that is sometimes a little bizarre.  What about others in our class?  Who else has found a job, and where?

I am so sorry to have missed the gala events aboard the Monagahela Queen (or whatever the riverboat was...) and stop at the Triangle!  It sounds as if it was very festive.  Speaking of festivities, just think -- it was about a year ago that we merrily made our way to Atlantic City (ah, Erwin!).  That will always stand out in my mind as one of the primary events of grad school.  (The convention, not just Erwin.)

And, speaking of Atlantic City -- have you heard of or from Michael?  I wrote him a long letter -- as he most emphatically told me that I had let him down in not writing to tell him when I would return to Pittsburgh -- but I haven't heard hide nor hair from him.  I guess he's doing well at Maryland...(Knowing Michael, he would do well anywhere...)

I got a letter from Susan Zaretsky.  She corroborated your report that Phil has changed ("reformed" is how she put it).  Barbara Immroth is in the Ph.D program -- and Susan saw Carmelle one day -- Carmelle is living at home and looking for a job and the report is that she and Gregg "split up" and he is teaching in Erie.  Whether that means they split up due to non-proximity or due to non-compatibility, I don't know.

Also received a brief note from Grant -- no gossip, though.  Just to tell me about a GSLIS grad who is teaching at the Univ of Montreal.

We are planning to go to Vermont this weekend (Monday is Canadian Thanksgiving -- did you even heard of such a thing?!).  I find myself becoming very homesick for the gold old U.S. of A.  I must be getting old.  Being in exile never bothered me before.  But anyway, I have a great desire to see the New England autumn, in all its splendid foliage -- a veritable palette, I hear!  Besides, I quite liked Vermont when we passed through in August -- maybe I'll check out the library in St. Albans!

Oh -- one professional commitment I have made (such a rambling letter, this) is that I've joined SLA (just think of all the extra conventions I can go to!).  I felt that this would help me to get to know the library community a little better, and might prove to be beneficial in the job hunt.  They're having a meeting tomorrow night -- might be interesting.  (Though the dinner speech is the thrilling topic of "Studying Libraries with the Use of Outsiders".  Just hear the implications of a closed, smug little library community!)  (Too bad you're not here -- I'm sure you'd be fascinated).  Anyway, they have a cocktail hour before the meeting, so it shouldn't be too bad!

I am also taking a course in French for Library Science (again, with the idea that I might meet some people who could be helpful...)  About the only thing is that I am learning a lot of technical terminology I didn't know, and I get to use the college library.

Aside from all this brouhaha and general nonsense, Montreal progresses.  We are getting more and more settled, though there are difficulties related to my lack of exposure to the community and our general feeling of being cut off.  In other words, it takes time to make friends, and twice as long if one is part of a couple, and my social nature needs lots of social intercourse.  (No pun intended, and please don't jump to any hasties!)  I am generally impatient -- I want to be settled in, with a job, and a coterie of friends -- and, of course, all this take time.  I sometimes miss the independence I had in Pittsburgh, but the companionship I have with Barb outweighs the other, so...in general, things are pretty good.

Well, I'm making more and more mistakes with this infernal machine (whatever happened to my secretarial skills!) -- so I shall close.  Do write again, as winter rounds the bend into the homestretch -- and do tell me more about your job, the prison system, etc.  (Also -- do you think Barb might come out to Montana?  Why haven't you mentioned it to Leslie?  You and Leslie have what my mother would term a "relationship filled with mysterious nuances".)

 Also let me know where you will be at Christmas -- maybe we can arrange to see each other.  In the meantime, Montana's Native Son (it was Wendell who told me you were born there-- I didn't destroy his illusions...), take care.

P.S.  Do you still hear from Ken?  Now is his Dollar Date progressing?  I am really glad that things seem to be working out for him. (I feel personally involved after attending his wedding.)

September 15, 1974 (Letter from Sue)

My dear Pole --

And I don't mean from Warsaw!  I am ever so sorry not to have written long 'ere this.  I was overjoyed to receive your long, long letter ('way back last July!) with its detailed and descriptive account of ALA.  Apparently "something" did happen to Phil there-- they way I herd it (from Grant, when I passed through Pittsburgh in August) was that Phil did "something unmentionable", though Grant doesn't know what.  I'm consumed with curiosity -- what could it be?

I was sorry to miss you, both in Pittsburgh and in Warren -- I guess your father told you that I called -- I just didn't know when we would get to Pgh -- we had a steaming radiator in Nevada and had to spend some time getting it fixed, etc.

Anyway, I heard that some prison library in Montana was trying to get in touch with you!  For all I know, you could be there now!  (I met a guy recently who graduated from SUNY Albany and who was the libn at Comstock.)  At any rate, I have a feeling that you're gainfully employed as of now (which is more than I can say for myself -- all in good time, I always say.)

Where are you and what are you doing?!  And what of the others -- I spoke to Michael on the phone in Aug -- and he agreed w/ me that U. Maryland is an elitist institution, but other than that, I haven't heard a breath of news (gossip?) since I heard from you and Janet in July.

I'm especially curious about Carmelle -- do you know what she's up to?  I wonder if she's still w/ Gregg -- do you know?

Also -- Paul, you sounded sort of forlorn w/ regard to your penchant for attached women -- (do you think it could be a defense? -- I don't mean to give you a lot of psychoanalytical nonsense, truly I don't -- but do you think it's a defense, a coincidence, that you tend to "fall for" women w/ prior commitments?).  I didn't know you felt so strongly about Grayce.  I always thought she felt that way about you -- though I confess to knowing nothing, except what you've told me, about her own state of independence or lack thereof -- I just had always had a feeling that she "had a crush" on you.  The old pitter-pat, pitter, pat.

For heaven's sake -- of course there's someone "out there" who is not already married, engaged, living w/ someone, a lesbian, or anything else in that category which seems to deny access, one individual to another (of course, some of us don't' believe in that category  but I admit, there are limitations).   Anyway, I think it's always hard to find that one mate -- a companion who can fulfill so many areas of one's life.  Some -- a lot -- of people spend their lives looking for the all-encompassing, multifaceted, soul-mate -- I don't' think any person can satisfy all of one's needs - do you?

I understand what you say about Leslie, though -- if it's not there, it's not there, though I'm sure it's not easy to break those old ties.

I've been reading a lot of Canadian fiction lately (a body of literature largely unknown up there, though it's lately come to surface).  There's a writer I think you'd particularly like -- Brian Moore -- his origins are Irish, and he now lives in sunny Calif -- but he's a naturalized Canadian citizen.  Just read An Answer from Limbo -- great book, dealing w one's art vs. one's personal life, ties, etc., but told in such a human/realism way that it's impossible to put down.  Manhattan locale, which you'd also like, I think.

I think you'd find Montreal intriguing -- which it is , if a somewhat tough nut to crack -- after a most trying week of looking for an apt, we finally found one -- situated in an old, formerly elegant (you know how I love faded grandeur, a la Atlantic City) residential area very centrally located.  Large, sunny, w/ 6 ft windows -- and totally unfurnished.   After a week of sleeping on hardwood floors, we finally got some furniture and are ready to commence Montreal living.  When we get the phone, I'll start job-hunting.  (I finally got my resume down to one page.)

Montreal is really divided between French and English -- even extends to the architecture -- part is London brick row-houses and part is Parisian stone and mansard roofs.  Unfortunately, much has been destroyed by the high-rise construction -- begun for the Expo and continued for the '76 Olympics -- I'm not finding the French (language) too easy, though it's coming, bit by difficult bit.

There are excellent restaurants here, as well as a good street scene.  The music scene I don't know yet -- but I maintain that the French -- even the North American French -- can't handle rock.  Everything comes out like Gilbert Becaud or Charles Aznavour.  I s'pose there's poetry in the lyrics -- but tune-wise -- well, there's nothing quite like the San Francisco sound!

Isn't it strange to think our year of academic endeavor is over -- all those hours gossiping in the library, writing last minute papers (in my case -- I know yours were finished months in advance , you show-off!)  Have you done anything further w/ pub of the R. S. index?  My friend the ex-Comstock libn (who is now a serials libn in an academic library) says he knows of no idea and thinks it's a good idea.

Well, my dear -- I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and financially solvent.  If you aren't working, and are w/in driving distance -- do come up to Montreal.  I'd love to see you again, soon -- (don't you think we should have a reunion?!) (you're the ex-class Pres, and as ex Social Chairwoman, who fell down in her duties toward the end, I can help you plan it!)  Seriously, do consider it.

September 10, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

Your organization ("I keep all the letter I have received in ring-bound notebooks") constantly amazes me!  Never again do I wish to be poked fun at about "urgent".  I have been painting all night and am really tired.  It is not a good way to begin a letter, as a matter of fact, this is really absurd, but I think I'm going to stop now and do this tomorrow when I can give it my full attention (see: how important I consider you?!).  Good night....

11 September 1974 -- Well, this is much better.  From your letter you certainly seem to be adjusting rather well to your new environment   I didn't know that polar bears were quite so versatile!  (Maybe it's that cooler climate bringing out your inherent qualities.

Today was a very nostalgic day.  I had a doctor's appointment in Oakland -- so decided to stop by at GSLIS first to see Mr. Lee (who wasn't in -- as usual).  Dr. Kolish was out also, but I did see Mr. Wray  and all the secretaries and Dr. Immroth was so nice to me.  He really looks fine, ans says he's doing well.  I'm so proud of him.  He's really a nice person, but I worried about this way of life.  You know, he actually looks 10 years younger?

I saw Ray Martin.  He said "hello".  I also saw the new batch of students in the library, lounge, etc.  None, of course, quite as precocious as we.  My doctor is on the 500 block of N. Neville -- so -- (my ever-failing sense of direction leading me) -- I decided it must be 1 block up from where you used to live and over 2 blocks.  Guess again.  I passed old "lacucaracha heaven" on Melwood and from there on it took me 1/2 hour to find the good doctor.  Oh well...

Send me a picture of "typical Montana".  I know I shall never see it in person, except by maybe a weird twist of fate.  Speaking of fate -- how do you feel about it?  I love it, actually sometimes.  I guess that's why I like Hardy.  Sometimes things seem awfully controlled to me, you know?  I mean, there are endless possibilities to a situation and it seems as though the possibility that occurs always fits in with another possibility occurring along the parallel of what's happening.  I kind of wonder if possibilities count at all, or if they're just put there by the Practical Joker (Melville's idea of God is certainly bizarre, but maybe  it's true?) to make us think there are endless possibilities?  I don't know, obviously another thing that's been bothering me lately -- human emotion.   Maybe I've always previously had the good fortune to meet simple, open people -- but I always felt that human emotion was a very transparent thing -- or at least translucent.  But lately (as far back as a few years ago, really) it seems much more opaque.  I mean, I didn't always feel that feelings were bared consistently or without guard exactly, but merely that they were fairly easy to discern.  I felt that I could glean from expressions, glances, gestures what a person felt, or at least a slight approximation of their emotion -- not an empathy because I feel that that is very rare and not even consistent among very close people.  But I dont' feel it so much anymore.  Even in people with whom  I've formerly felt it -- only sometimes.  I feel that there are layers and layers of depths and each has to be peeled.  I'll bet even when you reach the core there's something hidden -- a little seed that is impossible to open.  Oh, listen to me (or rather, don't).  See what happens when you get involved with philosophy majors!  They're a bizarre crew!

Anyway to make a long story short (although I never do), I just know that there are some things (both about ourselves and others) that we just can never know!  It's just beyond our reach.  I just got the full impact of that, maybe I'm just slow.  That must be it...I'm just newsy -- I want to know everything.

I'm going to change the subject completely for some good news -- Bev got a job!!!  Only I don't know where -- I just got a phone message that she called while I was out.  I'll let you know what's what as soon as I know.  I'm glad; she was really miserable these past few weeks.  Diane is still looking but she seems fairly calm -- I have never seen Diane worry past the point of just saying "I'm worried" -- I mean, no nervous mannerisms, etc.  Very stable, wish I could imitate!

By the way, I've just decided that you are not allowed to move anywhere for another two years -- at least   I have 3 addresses for you in my address book and if you move once more you will ruin everything, so STAY STILL!!!  (ok?)  (pick, pick, pick)  Maybe someone will give us an address book for a wedding present -- one that has interchangeable spots for addresses.  I mean it -- my friends are vagabonds.  I myself have had only 6 addresses in my life (and most were summer).  Why can't people follow this good example?  (heh, heh)

Did I tell you that I got no duplicates of anything at my shower?  (which was held regardless of the fact that I explicitly stated that there was to be none!)  The noive!  Anyway -- sorry -- no toaster oven will be arriving for you (I didn't get one either, don't cry, tweety!)  We'll see what happens with wedding presents -- I give you fair warning though -- don't expect any address books -- I need all of those that I can get!

This job is really hectic!  The director is a nice woman, but very disorganized and she has all of us a wreck.  I keep reminding myself that this job is not worth killing myself over-- but my brain can't seem to get the message straight -- I'll probably have 3 ulcers by April (if I last that long!)  I'm in charge of "Reserves" (oh, joy!), also picture file and vertical file (neither of which have I even seen yet -- they being what I'm interested mostly in!)  I had forgotten what it was like to be under a nun's wing.  (Oh only that it could have remained forgotten.)

In high school I gradually lost all respect for Catholicism per se -- in college I found (in Phil and Theo  a reason to respect it again -- to actually like it, even and to hold it dear again.  I have a penguin's chance in hell of keeping this here.  This place is really provincial (I can understand why your friend Barb left.)  I can't wait til Oct 3rd so I can come here only to work.  It seemed like an ivory tower -- now it seems like prison.  Stifling is too good a word.  I can't say what I feel about the job yet because I haven't gotten accustomed to ti or to all the people yet.  It will take at least 2 months, if not longer.  (myeer!)

You know, I really wish I had a job like yours -- it seems interesting, but with so many insights to get.  I suppose it will never happen -- but maybe, meanwhile you'll have to tell me all about it -- ok?  Everything -- even little thoughts you have about it.  Do you mind?  If so, tell me.  You probably think me such a pest.  I'm sorry.

I hope you are well, and not lonely out there.  But you like to be alone, huh?  But not always?  Have you written anymore dreams lately?  What does your place look like (colors, etc).  Is it large?  Polar bears should have room for their coat to breathe.