November 1, 1976 (Note from Barb L)

A happy 27th although a belated one.  After looking at Oct 29 on my calendar all month I still missed the day!  Hope it was happy and the weekend was special for you.  Sorry this has to be just a card -- I ow you the letter of all time!  I enjoyed your last letter although some of your references were somewhat puzzling -- Leslie crops up again (rides again!).  You & I have got to learn to deal with a situation to its end before leaving it -- Patience.  I have much to tell you.  I haven't even told you about my new job & the current scheme of things here in Warren Pa 16365.   Just got a letter from Anderson -- far out!  He's fine & says hi!  Can't believe we won't be seeing you till Christmas.  If I can make it before that -- would you like to do a couple days in Boston?  I wish you had a phone so I could call you!  I will try you at work sometime.  Until then -- take care -- enjoy the days & happy birthday once again.

October 27, 1974 (Letter from Sue)

Really!  How could you -- how dast you insult my humble, but honest typewriting, that which has earnt me my honest (but more humble) living till I went and became a "professional"?!!  My nimble fingers ((at the machine, my dear) are known far and wide for their skill.  Though the old agility does seem to have worn off a bit of late.  It's just their (my fingers) way of telling me that they do not want to be party to any secretarial jobs.

I did like the ring of Monagahela Queen, though I suppose "Gateway Clipper" does sound clippier....

Oh -- almost forgot -- BIG NEWS!!!!  I found a job.  Not completement what I had wanted, but close enough for the time being; the salary is decent, and it will fulfill one aspect of my many faceted bag of desires...I am going to be a children's librarian in a spiffy elementary school (miles from downtown Montreal -- I take the train at the crack of dawn, and the principal meets me at my stop in front of the Kentucky Fried Chicken stand -- I feel like a combination of a character form Theodore Dreiser and one from Ken Kesey...)  I actually have (or will have) two schools to work with, though the second one isn't assigned yet.  I'm looking forward to it -- I'll have complete charge of the library and all its creative activities.  The principal seems quite encouraging of my desire to do some sort of children's theater.  Also he seems to be willing to be completely laissez-faire with regard to selection, general  policy, etc... Tomorrow is my first day; I'm sort of nervous.  (But then, I never did have your ability at nonchalance when nonchalance is due.)

One of the reasons I took the job (I'm  still having struggles with the red-taped Immigration & Manpower Service re my work permit, so I shouldn't be premature) is for the fact that school-related people get vacation...like summer and Christmas and Easter.  A very good reason to stay within the hallowed halls of academia, though Wendell would have a fit to hear me say it.

(By the way -- re Wendell's remark about "shooting your wad off before you start" -- I vaguely remember something like that, but it isn't entirely clear...What do you mean by "revealing" -- are you referring to, shalt we say, homosexual tendencies he might have?  Or are you referring to his cautious nature?  (Sort of a don't count your chickens before they hatch simile.)  Please elaborate.  Inklings into Wendell's mysterious character fascinate me.  I don't agree that he is a pompous asshole -- just a big pedagogical at times, and certainly a pain in the ass occasionally.  But I think that his heart is in the right place, which is more than I can say for the like of someone like Needlenose (B.N.) -- and I can forgive a lot for a heart in the right place...)

We have been getting involved in several film series (which is something I imagine you miss in Deer Lodge).  There's some good one around -- saw "Lacombe Lucien" which is Louis Malle's latest , and very good, if somewhat distressing.  I am finally going to see Harold and Maude (with the memory of your glowing praise), and am quite excited about it.  Montreal is progressing (I seem to say that in all of my letters -- a somewhat ambivalent statement at best) -- some day's I'm fascinated by the mix of old/old and new/garish -- on those days I enjoy walking around the city, down by the waterfront and across the tracks, looking up to Mount Royal in all its autumn splendor, enjoying the mellifluous sound of French being spoken with a peculiarly North American style.  But other days, I am depressed by the psychic and ecological pollution of the construction which is going on everywhere and ruining the flavour of the city; I become irritated with what has been pounded into my brain as the hostile attitude of the French-speaking Quebecois.  On these latter days I become very homesick for Anywhere U.S.A., and envy y ou in your rustic Lodge of Deer (as the French would translate it.)

I think I'd better continue by hand.  This typewriting is really sick, and probably annoying to read.

I'm glad you're continuing with your writing.  I think it is important.  And I'm glad that you find your surroundings conducive to a satisfying way of life.  This is very important, I think -- I think you're going to come out of Deer Lodge with a well defined sense of time and place -- (I think Pittsburgh did the same thing; for both of us).  It's exciting to have the mobility (and desire) to travel, exciting as well as very satisfying, I think.  Such a perspective is gained by seeing other ways of life and all that cliched sort of thing.  I know I'll always look back on Pittsburgh as one of the most courageous ventures I have made -- and one of the most ultimately rewarding.  (I think there's something -- lots, in fact, to be said for travelling as a single person, as well -- tho the companionship of being part of a couple is nice too.  What thinkest thou?)

Got a letter from Janet the other day -- she is working as an A/V librarian (w/ no A/V budget) in Marty's medical school.  She says the atmosphere is very congenial -- her only (mild, at that) grip is that the life of a med student's wife is not even semi-carefree bliss!  I understand all too well the loneliness for us gregarious creatures who are wedded to students.  (Loneliness in a strange city, I mean, Janet feels much in Philadelphia as I do in Montreal: not knowing anyone.  But it will come.)

Also got a bizarre letter from Michael -- which was mainly an enumeration of all his activities -- he's really becoming BTS (Big Time Stuff) with his interest in T/A, etc.  I hear thru the grapevine that he's not too happy at  Maryland though; however, Blanche is the source of this so -- as Grant says -- I "take it with a box of Morton's and an umbrella as well..."

I'm glad to hear that you enjoy the joint.  (I wrote to my parents about your job -- my father work -- counselling -- w/ inmates of the county jail -- and he says he has a distinct memory of the Deer Lodge prison as a "dreary place".  Is it?  The library sounds OK, anyway...)

Sorry that you and the dumplings of Deer Lodge aren't sweeping each other off your respective feet.  Where's that sturdy, adventurous pioneer Montana stock?  Well, perhaps your Belle of Boston will decide to trek westward.  In the meantime, I know you can be stoic about spiritual solitude.

I must dash off and take my bread pudding from the oven (doesn't that sound domestic?  Believe me, it is.  Sometimes my gypsy spirit rebels).  So I shall close.  Do write again soon -- your letters are a joy to behold, tumbling fatly through the mail slot.

Ta, ta till the next time, when I shall enumerate the no doubt fascinating tale of my escapades as a school librarian.

P.S.  I am a little confused about this Leslie thing.  In the last letter before this, I am sure that you said something to the effect that your relationship w/ Leslie was the most whole or complete, or something, you had yet encountered.  Yet, in your latest letter you state unequivocally that you have "broken off with Leslie for good".  My opinion, should you choose to accept it, is that Leslie's lack of "spunk" has been casual in her current (and future?) "lack of Paul".  N'est-ce pas?  I do think that an ounce of gumption is worth a pound of all-suffering patience.

Again -- I hope that Montana offers some of its famed majestic beauty, feminine variety, soon -- and that you don't get hornswaggled and hog-tied unwittingly into the blessed state of matrimony.  (With the rich rancher's only daughter, perhaps?)  Actually, I know it could never happen to you -- you're too damned obstinate!  (A sterling quality -- just as gumption is!)

October 22, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

I've always really liked train whistles.  There's something very sad about them, though.  Today, on the way home from work (I have an hr and 15 minute bus ride) I got this overwhelming impulse to go to the ocean.  This is the first year of my life (except for my 1st possibly) that I have not gone to see my ocean.  I feel disloyal -- honest, it's a terrible feeling.  My favorite time to be there is about 8 o'clock (pm), all alone, when all the people are getting ready to go on the boardwalk.  It's the most peaceful time, especially if you can climb out over the rock and just sit.  I like Cape May best (have you ever been?) 'cause it's really unspoiled.  Sunrise is pretty nice, too, except the only time I've ever been was after I had stayed up all night and I was probably too exhausted those times to quietly appreciate.  (Aren't you thrilled to be hearing all this?)

*I thought you might appreciate this -- please notice the similarity between my present address and that of my parents.

You sound quite happy about work and that makes me happy.  I'm sure the people you help are really glad to have you.  I'm sure you're learning even more than they are.  When I was at Villanova, I took a course called "Black Urban Experience" (which was a sociology major's practicum but I convinced the dept head that a phil major should have this type of course, also.)  Most of the other soc courses seemed pretty worthless.  I was really glad I got this course (did I tell you about it?) We were really to design our own project and everyone did something different.  Most of the kids were afraid to go into Phila and do something so they picked a "ghetto" area around V.U. which is really a laugh since the rent average around that area is about 200/300 a month and hardly any of the blacks in Ardmore were exactly poor.

But I had been going up to Temple a lot (most of my friends were in Theater there) and had helped with the production of The Cage which was put on by this Barbed Wire Society -- a group of ex-cons who live together in a sort of commune, only not so utopian as many are.  So I decided to apply with them for a semester.  It was one of the best things I ever did -- although I must admit I was scared at first.  In fact, there 2 guys later told me they were apprehensive about me at first, too, because they didn't trust me.   (They didn't trust me?)  Anyway, I can understand you excitement about what you're doing and I know you'll be very successful because of the type of person that you are.

You told me to remind you of apples this time, so APPLES.

I always said you led a charmed life.  I recognized it almost immediately.  It wasn't in any specific instance, but there was something there.  I don't mean to harp (honest) but in a way, fate does tie in here.  I do not feel that I am fated to be a famous person per se, or very successful in a conventional way.  Rather, I seem drawn to certain people I know will be.  (You being one whom I feel has a certain thing to do.)  One of my friends told me (one who I feel will be very "famous") (I don't mean this in any sensational way) that she felt that she had to know me and that her whole future might depend on that.  When she said this I was just appalled.  I was even a bit afraid of her for awhile.  I certainly am no "guiding light" and I told her so but she still persists in this belief and usually before she does anything of even slight importance she consults me.  Of course, my "advice" is not always heeded and sometimes I hesitate or refuse to give any.  (Once I gave it unasked when I thought she was in particular danger and she was not at all pleased, for which she was really right, so I never did that again.)

Anywhoooo -- I've forgotten what the point of this entire things was in the first place now.  I certainly have a keen mind!   I was going to ask something about your statement about your erratic and non-committal character, but it's gone now, oh well...I'll probably think of it just as I'm mailing this.

I don't suppose I will ever get to read your journals unless they are published huh?  (Not that I'd expect to; I don't think I'd let anyone read mine.)  I don't suppose they will ever be published within my lifetime (this one, anyway) either, since they will probably go into print after y our are gone and with your healthy notions you'll definitely outlive me -- at least by 30 years, I'd guess.  I think I'll die by the time I'm 55.  (Of course, I won't mind if I live longer.)  Then I guess during my next lifetime I will come across them in a bookstore (providing I like to read in my next lifetime) and I will instantly be drawn to them.  After all, I do feel that I've known you before and probably for a fairly long time. Why else would things happen the way they do?  Why do we meet some people who are very much like us and whom we really don't like and don't feel drawn to?  (Sorry about the dangling participle, I'm always doing that.)  And then others who may be very different from us seem like old friends in a little short while?

Anyway, I'll be that man you met on the way to Minneapolis who was your father from another life or something like that.  I love to think about stuff like that.

Diane got that job in Phila.  I knew she would.  She will like it very much, I'm sure.  Also, she's only a 30 minute ride form Bev in Delaware.  And now when I come home for visits I can see them at least.  I don't think Pittsburgh can ever be my home.  I'm probably being very unfair, but it's just a big Altoona to me, y'know?  I feel kind of isolated in this place.  The neighbors are mostly older, but not old enough for me to go visit (more nearly my parent's age than my grandparents' age.) This sounds weird, I know, but I just feel this way.  I miss having friends my age to clown around with and I can't let myself become wholly dependent on Brook (although that would be really easy) because it just isn't good.

You might have guessed from my tone (bongggg) that I'm slightly lonely.  Actually, I shouldn't have time to be lonely.  When I'm not working or climbing my 1 1/2 mile hill to get to work from the bus, I'm sanding shelves (with that little sander we bought at Sears that day) or painting, or...ad nauseum.  So -- don't listen to me.  I'm a complainer from way back -- as I'm sure you've already surmised.

I must say first that I feel very sorry for Leslie.  I've never met her, but I know about her that she has good taste and that she has intuition and great love.  I suppose a final ending is best and in the long run hurts less than a long drawn out one.  I do hope she is alright as she seems so in love with you.

I think I have mentally written this part of the letter at least twelve times (mostly on the bus), and the versions have ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous.  Each one has also been mentally ripped up and thrown into the mental circular file.  My basic feeling is likely to be vague and I hope you will be patient with me.  I simply cannot write about this to any great extent.  The things I would like to say to you are things which should be said; they are things which go better with a smile and a hug rather than things which go with ink and paper.  Please understand.  I know you will.

Do you think we can postpone any further discussions of this until we can do it in person?  (I feel certain that we will be able to in the near future.)

I admire and respect your honesty (for telling me) and your self-discipline (for not telling me all the times you probably wanted to.)

Please know how fortunate I feel to be your friend.  Our friendship certainly has enduring qualities -- tempered strength.  I trust you, which is something that usually takes me longer to do than a few months. You must know that you have a very special place in my heart.

September 15, 1974 (Letter from Sue)

My dear Pole --

And I don't mean from Warsaw!  I am ever so sorry not to have written long 'ere this.  I was overjoyed to receive your long, long letter ('way back last July!) with its detailed and descriptive account of ALA.  Apparently "something" did happen to Phil there-- they way I herd it (from Grant, when I passed through Pittsburgh in August) was that Phil did "something unmentionable", though Grant doesn't know what.  I'm consumed with curiosity -- what could it be?

I was sorry to miss you, both in Pittsburgh and in Warren -- I guess your father told you that I called -- I just didn't know when we would get to Pgh -- we had a steaming radiator in Nevada and had to spend some time getting it fixed, etc.

Anyway, I heard that some prison library in Montana was trying to get in touch with you!  For all I know, you could be there now!  (I met a guy recently who graduated from SUNY Albany and who was the libn at Comstock.)  At any rate, I have a feeling that you're gainfully employed as of now (which is more than I can say for myself -- all in good time, I always say.)

Where are you and what are you doing?!  And what of the others -- I spoke to Michael on the phone in Aug -- and he agreed w/ me that U. Maryland is an elitist institution, but other than that, I haven't heard a breath of news (gossip?) since I heard from you and Janet in July.

I'm especially curious about Carmelle -- do you know what she's up to?  I wonder if she's still w/ Gregg -- do you know?

Also -- Paul, you sounded sort of forlorn w/ regard to your penchant for attached women -- (do you think it could be a defense? -- I don't mean to give you a lot of psychoanalytical nonsense, truly I don't -- but do you think it's a defense, a coincidence, that you tend to "fall for" women w/ prior commitments?).  I didn't know you felt so strongly about Grayce.  I always thought she felt that way about you -- though I confess to knowing nothing, except what you've told me, about her own state of independence or lack thereof -- I just had always had a feeling that she "had a crush" on you.  The old pitter-pat, pitter, pat.

For heaven's sake -- of course there's someone "out there" who is not already married, engaged, living w/ someone, a lesbian, or anything else in that category which seems to deny access, one individual to another (of course, some of us don't' believe in that category  but I admit, there are limitations).   Anyway, I think it's always hard to find that one mate -- a companion who can fulfill so many areas of one's life.  Some -- a lot -- of people spend their lives looking for the all-encompassing, multifaceted, soul-mate -- I don't' think any person can satisfy all of one's needs - do you?

I understand what you say about Leslie, though -- if it's not there, it's not there, though I'm sure it's not easy to break those old ties.

I've been reading a lot of Canadian fiction lately (a body of literature largely unknown up there, though it's lately come to surface).  There's a writer I think you'd particularly like -- Brian Moore -- his origins are Irish, and he now lives in sunny Calif -- but he's a naturalized Canadian citizen.  Just read An Answer from Limbo -- great book, dealing w one's art vs. one's personal life, ties, etc., but told in such a human/realism way that it's impossible to put down.  Manhattan locale, which you'd also like, I think.

I think you'd find Montreal intriguing -- which it is , if a somewhat tough nut to crack -- after a most trying week of looking for an apt, we finally found one -- situated in an old, formerly elegant (you know how I love faded grandeur, a la Atlantic City) residential area very centrally located.  Large, sunny, w/ 6 ft windows -- and totally unfurnished.   After a week of sleeping on hardwood floors, we finally got some furniture and are ready to commence Montreal living.  When we get the phone, I'll start job-hunting.  (I finally got my resume down to one page.)

Montreal is really divided between French and English -- even extends to the architecture -- part is London brick row-houses and part is Parisian stone and mansard roofs.  Unfortunately, much has been destroyed by the high-rise construction -- begun for the Expo and continued for the '76 Olympics -- I'm not finding the French (language) too easy, though it's coming, bit by difficult bit.

There are excellent restaurants here, as well as a good street scene.  The music scene I don't know yet -- but I maintain that the French -- even the North American French -- can't handle rock.  Everything comes out like Gilbert Becaud or Charles Aznavour.  I s'pose there's poetry in the lyrics -- but tune-wise -- well, there's nothing quite like the San Francisco sound!

Isn't it strange to think our year of academic endeavor is over -- all those hours gossiping in the library, writing last minute papers (in my case -- I know yours were finished months in advance , you show-off!)  Have you done anything further w/ pub of the R. S. index?  My friend the ex-Comstock libn (who is now a serials libn in an academic library) says he knows of no idea and thinks it's a good idea.

Well, my dear -- I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and financially solvent.  If you aren't working, and are w/in driving distance -- do come up to Montreal.  I'd love to see you again, soon -- (don't you think we should have a reunion?!) (you're the ex-class Pres, and as ex Social Chairwoman, who fell down in her duties toward the end, I can help you plan it!)  Seriously, do consider it.