March 21, 1977 (Letter from Barb N)

...a total disaster. Bad acting, atrocious screenplay, uninspired photography, terrible direction.


Hello.

I'm finally getting time to write between my stages of depression and spurts of constructive work and play.  At least I'm to the point where I understand myself and my bodily needs.  Now I need to learn self-control through self-restraint.  It isn't all that easy for me because I always get such a low feeling inside.  Today I was talking to Evelyn and the feeling of despair became very intense so I knew that I could only overcome the feeling my altering my state of mind.  So the rest of the afternoon and the evening are spent baking break, sewing, writing letters, and cleaning out my junk.

I almost got myself into a friendship that would have led me astray.  Fortunately she has been very blunt to me and I have found that her insults have directed me back on my own path.  I can take a few put downs if there are helpful but Sam is a pain in the ass.  I fell relieved that I'm not around her except there are two problems.  I work with her and she is Darrel & my houseguest for the moment.  I'm sure the situation will improve shortly.

I have only eight months left in the Navy and I feel that it is still too long for me.  I am so happy that I only have two seasons left.

Max is in Ventura, California by herself.  Jeff went back to Warren to get a motorcycle and some money.  Max said she didn't have a job from her last letter but that was a week or so ago.

I should go do some more yoga.

Not much news in Italy.  I will write more when I am in a better state of mind and have more time.

November 4, 1976 (Letter from Barb N)

I must say that I always enjoy your letters.  I don't feel that you are looking at life wrong because I see the same picture and I also disagree.  Let me tell you that I have felt frozen for the past months but now I feel a relief slowly oozing through me.

How should I start to tell you the events that have led up to now.  I should tell you that our household is going their separates ways in January.  Darrel and Laura share the same room only they are distant friends most of the time.  They don't relate to each other as two people who sleep together should.  Laura has deep religious convictions and Darrel loves to party.  God knows why Laura loves Darrel so much.  Laura can not live here because she has lost herself a long time ago. It would only hurt her more to stay.

Darrel and I could share the apartment together but I don't want to.  My feelings which I now realize are I feel that Laura is a mother image and Darrel would be my brother.  I feel that because Laura is against drinking and smoking totally, I have to hide so I don't hurt her.  But I feel like when I was at home in Warren.  So I am caught up in what I am and what I am in Laura's eyes.

What irritated our household and brought forth the hidden disease is Sten.  Laura and Darrel met him in Amsterdam and he is now here for a two week visit.  I don't know why his presence caused such a disturbance but it seems as if a black cloud lingers over our lives.  Sten has totally disrooted my life, thrown me down to the ground, and spit on my forehead.  I say it is good for me.

Paul, I have this problem of constantly telling my life to others which is wrong.  I get caught up in myself so many times.  I play the part of the fool but I never seem to change my role.  It is easy to speak as I have confessed to the "priest" so many times before but to be honest and change leaves me too weak inside.

I am caught up in religion.  I don't believe that man has to say that I believe in Christ and have eternal life.  Man has been granted a life of God when each entity has the will to live in his favor. We have to break all the bonds and get down to the basics of life.  If we were to understand more we would have to be more attuned to nature.  Yes, man is building a synthetic society, straying far from the course of God.  Even the churches are to blame.

If I could only think of myself and stop trying to reach favor in other's eyes.  This is my fault.  Only I need people like you and Larry who value life.  Who understand more than most people.  I believe most people are committing the greatest sin by conforming to the perverse world.  It makes me want to hate.

It has been raining continuously now for the past few weeks.  One of the main roads out to where a lot of Americans live has been blocked off.  The road fell through.  Farther down the road by the Olivetti factory 1/2 of the roadside avalanched down the hillside and half the road is closed for repairs.  Most of this area is built on lava and with the abundant rainfall this year it is loosening the soil  Destruction is at a rampage in Italy.  I don't fear for my life because I will survive and be a very strong woman.  I do believe I have a powerful destiny.

I bought a stereo for $100 so I have a Garrard turntable, a Sound Design amp (which I plan to sell), and TEK speakers.  I'm satisfied with the set but I plan to buy a receiver.  I also am buying albums.  I have been cheap for so long.  I have 3000.00 in the bank and no debts plus my G.I. bill so I feel justified in my spending.

I am going to come home during X-mas for 3 weeks.  I want to get back home.  I am not sure if I will go to the lake next summer.  I will discuss it when I come home.  There are people I want to see back home.  I am looking forward to the change.

I am going to become a connoisseur of wine.  I am indulging in a few glasses of Ischia Blanco which is excellent.  The wine in Italy is natural without preservatives.  In most trattorias (restaurants) they have their own home-made wine not to mention the excellent pasta they serve.

Paul I get a big kick out of playing the guitar.  I really do enjoy myself.  I am not good but I still try to practice as much as possible.  I have found it very worthwhile.

I thought your beard was attractive on you.  I do have a preference to masculine features and I think facial hair well=trimmed adds to a man's appearance.  I will tell you that I was going to let the hair on my legs and underarms grow out but I felt that I lost my femininity.  I am conforming to our society's standards only I choose to conform.

I will end here now.

September 10, 1976 (Letter from Barb N)

Hello.

So how are you?

I'm getting ready to go home from my mid watch.  Twelve hours is a long time to be cooped in a room without windows.  I'm standing watches with my roommate Darrel.  He is no problem whatsoever to get along with.  When Darrel was on leave I stood watches with Sharon who never stops complaining.  he could really get me uptight.

Before work I made your lasagna recipe and it came out pretty good.  I decided to feat on watch.  Laura, Darrel, and I sat down at the platters dish for a dinner. (Laura is my other roommate.)

Here comes Carrel now and I have to sort the message traffic.  I can't wait until they install the computers so we don't have to hassle with sorting traffic.  The computers will be here on the 15th.

I'm getting set to go to the Oktoberfest in Munich.  It should be an enjoyable time.  There will be four of us in the group.  Crosby and Nash are doing a concert at the festival.

I am anxious to get back to the states next summer.  I really want to go to the lake.  I have been dropping hints.  I will put in a chit next April.  The glamour of life overseas has faded fast.  I enjoy being here but not in the Navy living in Naples.  I feel too restricted.  It really doesn't matter where I go now because I still have a year and two months in the Navy.  I can't wait to get out of this outfit! I feel that I am losing too much "freedom".  I find working with officers too absurd.

Enough of that.

I broke down and bought an album by Firefall.  I really enjoy their music.  My guitar playing is doing fair to bad.  I plan to buy a better guitar and sell mine.  I really enjoy playing the guitar.

I went to Florence a few weeks ago and had a marvelous time.  I really enjoy getting away.  I want to see Venice before it falls in the water.

I was talking to a guy tonite and he was saying he has been a Christian now for 5 months.  He is selling all his belongings and moving back into the barracks.  I don't agree that the way to "heaven" is only through accepting Christ.  Man is put on earth to cultivate and nurture its growth.  I'm not saying we have done a good job but I believe if people weren't so lazy and selfish the world would be a "heaven on earth".  I believe in God and I cannot deny him.  I'm searching for a direction in life. But I believe fervently that we should strive to enjoy the beauty we are blessed with.  It's no sin to own luxuries if they are used constructively and not for impressions.  I don't believe we were put here to be persecuted and if Jesus died on the cross an innocent man it wasn't to shame us but to show us that he served a godly life full of good virtue.  If Jesus died of old age it wouldn't have had any impact on civilization.  I don't want to be frightened into believing I will perish in hell just to accept Jesus as my saviour.  I would rather live a good life full of positive deeds than to run and shout meaningless words to listeners who grow deaf.  Maybe time will change my views.  I am still very young.

Better end here.