Here I sit in my Colden retreat, stretching time out to at least four times its normal length. It's only been one week and 5 days since I finished the rather exhausting grind of the New York State Bar Exam. and yet that experience has passed through the normal holding ponds of recent memory and is now firmly bedded in my long ago past.. I can't recall any other experience I've had which grew so old this quickly.
My position here is a familiar one, yet not one that I am completely comfortably with. I guess mainly it's the rapid change from being a decision-maker leader in Binghamton to being a well-fed cared for son in Colden which I haven't quite accepted fully. Not that it's bad, I do so enjoy being here. But there is a touch of anxiety every now and then. It's almost sinfully irresponsible to be here relaxing & reading & sleeping & playing & eating.
A portion of that anxiety can be attributed to the uncertainty of my future. Do you see the incongruity, Paul, where here I am with all my immediate care provided for, being rather dependent & removed from the hustle & bustle "real" world while I sit & contemplate how I'm going to structure my immediate future. I could just go on relaxing here for some time unless that [illegible] propels me into action. But a life decision made here would tend to be rosy-colored and may not look so fine in the bright light of coming reality.
But I carry on too much on this. I expect to stay here at least another week, then I'll trek on to Boston by way of Springfield. My stay will be more certain when I speak to the unemployment people on Tuesday next. But now I expect I'll be in Springfield Aug 11, Wednesday. I may stop in Binghamton first or I may do that on the way home.
My blueprint for the near future is this. I want to get a seasonal job -- full time for 4-5 months. This, surprisingly to me, is not much accepted in the lawyer world. Anyway, I then would want mid April til October free to do some vegetable growing. In this period of 6-7 months I'd be working only about 20 hours a week in April-May & then about 10-12 hr/wk thereafter. I should be able to grow enough vegetables for myself and several others -- and if I fully commit myself I would become a vegetarian & provide most of my food for myself. Some of my inspiration from the book -- Living the Good Life -- by Helen & Scott Nearing, wherein they describe their 20-year experiment of living on a Vermont farm & providing their year's livelihood in only 6 months.
This would then leave me up to 2 months free time to do some legal work or travel.
The idea of part-time work has always appealed to me. It remains to be seen if I have the courage and determination to carry it through. Enough for now.
Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it? I'm in Colden, living the good life (i.e., the lazy life). I decided against going to Colorado and now an interested in going to Warren.
I'll try to set things out in chronological order. Exams took up my last 2 months in Berkeley. I did a good deal of studying, Be in the library and only the presence of some friends there with me saved me form total isolation. Hard times really do bring people closer together and we provided entertainment for each other. I did OK on the exams. I won't find out for sure what I got until August.
Our last exam was June 2, an looking back at it, that seems very long ago and very strange. I never really got to feeling like Berkeley was my home. My worlds are built around people, and places take on meaning only by my going through experiences there. Walking across the U.B. campus was exciting because I could think of all the many things that happened there. I guess this past year was a necessary base-building year both with people and with the location itself. I certainly hope I can move more actively toward establishing my world out there next fall, it's got a long way to go.
Anyway, I left June 5 in a station wagon with 5 other people and 2 dogs. It took us 2 1/2 days to get to NYC. I really enjoyed the trip, I had enough time to sleep and sightsee and even though we went US80 across there were things to see. Wyoming and a sunset in Nebraska were high points, also seeing green hills with trees growing when we got into Indiana and Illinois.
Dale, Barb, Tony at Lake Spread Eagle
I stayed at my sister's and we did many good and expensive things. We saw "A Streetcar Named Desire" in Lincoln Center, ate in a fancy restaurant, rode the subways, etc. etc. I really enjoyed it, my sister is very good at entertaining me when I go visit her. Of course she enjoys it too, she usually doesn't spend her money so lavishly.
I called Maddy and saw her one day. She was supposed to play in a tournament and I was going to go watch her. Unfortunately, the one she had been entered in was held the week before. So on the way back we were thinking of things to do and we decided to go to Boston. So, I stayed a few more days in Brooklyn at Rose's, until she got called for a flight to London, and then Maddy and I went up to Boston to see Michael and Liz and Harvey. It was a good time. I'll give you the details when I see you. I then went back to Brooklyn for a few more days and finally after getting a somewhat frantic call from Jim Holmes I came to Buffalo by bus. I was at this time still planning on going to Colorado with Holmes. I came to Colden for a day, for Father's day and my mother's birthday. Then I spent a week working with Holmes to get him ready. He leads a very complicated life, and he had been working for 4 weeks getting things ended up and was not nearly done. He's going to be a visiting prof next year at South Carolina and in Australia so he had to finish things in Buffalo. He had to rent his house, paint it, sell his furniture, pack for the trip, pack for South Carolina, clean up, get his horse ready, rent his horse trailer, fix his truck, etc. etc. etc. After a week I said I've had it. It was much too complicated a situation for me. I had agreed to go on a vacation, not spend half my summer finishing up Holmes' loose ends. Also, I had reservation about getting along with him for an extended length of time. He is very domineering and I, although, quite passive, can only take so much. The deciding factor was Colden. I hadn't been here much since I went to U.B. and I missed it. My mother was quite sick this past winter with bronchitis (that was the preliminary diagnosis from her hospital stay in March) I figured it would be a good idea to be around to do the heavy work she normally does. And finally, I wanted time to visit my friends.
Paul in his Penelec hardhat
While I was in Buffalo, I saw some people and it was good. One day I was walking down Main St. and Tom Szczesny came riding by on his bike. It was good to see him. He's contemplating going to Berkeley in the fall. Later that day, in Park Edge, I ran into Jeff Greenwald. They were both nice surprises.
I have been out here for almost a week now and it's quite pleasant. It's been awhile since I've been as relaxes as I am now, certainly not since last August.
I'm planning a bike trip to Warren Pa. via Lake Chautauqua to see Ralph. What days do you have off? Would any particular time be more convenient than the rest? Could I stay at your house? Please send answers with your reply letter.
Kenny and Lauren's wedding
Clockwise from lower right
Herb Kleinberger, Tony Szczygiel, Eric Barr, Paul Nelson, Kenny Tuchman
Are you going to Kenny's wedding? I'm planning on going, it would be nice if we could go there together.
Well, that's enough for now. Write back soon. Anytime you fell like coming up, please do. You have my address here, the phone # is 716-941-3292. I shall be seeing you soon. Take care.
I'm sitting here on the porch of the Help Center in Gowanda, it's extremely hot and muggy, but we have some broad shade trees, and a nice breeze is blowing through and I feel rather comfortable.
Time has been racing by. My summer is drawing to a close and with that, my stay in Buffalo. I'm going to miss this part of the country. I know I'll be coming back for vacation but then I'll just be a visitor. Now I have all the friends and places that have become important to me over the last four years. Knowing that these will soon be memories, and long distance relationships is pretty sad.
I am trying to maintain a positive frame of mind but it definitely is tempered with sadness. I am getting psyched up for my trip out there. I hope to be able to drive Jerry's and my car out. Jerry may come with me if he gets an interview set up with International University which is somewhere near San Diego. He's wanting to go there fits in very nicely with a stop in Laguna Beach. I expect to leave here on Aug 20 and I have to be in Berkeley by Sept 5.
I am now sitting on top of a cliff in Zoar Valley. It's so incredibly beautiful here. There are some hawks soaring, they are truly magnificent.
Getting back to my travel plans, would you still be in Laguna Beach around Aug 28-30? I know that's pretty late if you intent to hitchhike back here. My route out there will probably be a directly line to Durango, Colorado. I dont' have all that much time so I'll probably push it from here, across the Plains, until I get into the mountains. Dr. Jim Homes, the eco professor I worked with has a cabin in the mountains near Durango. I want to stop by there, from there go on to the Grand Canyon, then down to San Diego and Laguna Beach. Maybe we could meet in Durango or at the Grand Canyon and spend a few days together.
(I just discovered that this really isn't a 500 ft cliff, it's nothing but a giant anthill. So goddamn many ants around here.)
I'm going down to see Ralph at Chautauqua today. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since early June when he stopped by on his way down there.
I went home again last week. It was very nice again. One thing bothered me though, that was I regress when I go there, going back at least partially to the sort of actions and ways of thinking that I had when I lived there four years ago. It's distressing to realize that is still part of me. I definitely want to try to work that out in the time I have remaining here. A lot of insecurities that aren't apparent or even relevant other places, came up there.
I saw Michael Kanter two weeks ago. He came up for a week. He had a pretty good time in Europe and was in good spirits.
Work in Gowanda has improved. In the beginning I felt totally useless and somewhat frustrated. But now that we have the kids working together on a few projects, an ingenious project of utilizing all their energy for public relations for the Help Center. They get a chance to work together and get something organized. The socializing processes her are quite poor.
I moved out of 75 LeBrun, I am now living partly at that place, partly at 41 LeBrun, partly at 11 Merrimac, partly at 105 E Main Springville, partly in Colden, partly at Sunshine House and partly in Gowanda. A very confusing existence but it's working out well.
Your excitement on reading You Can't Go Home Again came across extremely well in your letter and it was very good to see. It was also very fine to get the stimulation that your letters provide. As of yet, I don't have the ultimate goal in my life in sight. Maybe it's to be a lawyer. T hat so far is the closest thing I've found to what I want to be, but I'll have to experience it a little more before I can say for sure. I do know now, that I have the patience and the discipline and the strength to dedicate myself to whatever goal does come up. Right now I am not concentrating on that one goal, now is a time of preparation. I have a few more things to work out and then I will be completely ready for whatever may come. I am working on my social development, extending the bounds of where I have been. Jerry and I have spent a lot of time together and have exchanged a tremendous amount. My relationship with Joan is the best I have ever had with a girl and has enabled me to work out some fears and inhibitions. Both of these people I admire greatly and have been able to get close enough to study these aspects of them that I admire and learn from them.
Joanie knows how to enjoy herself and have other people enjoy. She is, along with you, one of the two most positive people that I know. Jerry has a tremendous ability to organize thoughts ad come to some logical problem solving solution. The more I can pick up from these tow, the better I will be able to be.
Jerry also has a charisma, a natural leadership that comes about from a good deal of self-confidence and a gentle way of directing a situation. Again, a valuable asset, one that reduces tensions and frustrations and expedites action.
Yes, Paul, life is a process and we are able to make it a life giving process or a death inviting one. And, yes Paul, you and I are on the way up. I feel a need for a challenge, a testing of my mettle, a totally intense trip. Do you remember when Ralph and Tom went canoeing in the Cattaraugus and tipped over. Ralph and I talked about that later and that was a really beautiful thing that they went through. To raise the energy output raises the returns. To know how to channel that energy towards your self-selected goals is a true art. To know ho much you can put out, which at this point seems to me to be almost limitless, and how much it will cost are extremely valuable things. But then, you already know this.
I get almost a religious feeling sitting here surrounded by so much beauty. The stream, ever moving, the valley, so huge and peaceful, the trees, the sky, the hawks, the sun, the wind all this is so basic and so pure and so powerful and so simple. Bob Dylan wrote a poem to Woody Guthrie and Woody was very sick and mentally ill. He was in Brooklyn State Hospital. The ending of the poem, after it asked how can you go on when you re so far down and where can you find hope. (I don't know the exact wording) said you'll find God in heaven and you''l find Woody Guthrie in the Brooklyn State Hospital but for me, I'll find them both in the Grand Canyon. So, see you in the Grand Canyon as we've met here in Zoar.
It was really great hearing from you. I got so fuckin' excited I started to cry and pound my feet against the wall. Glad to hear you had an exciting time in the TKE apt. I imagine what Buffalo is like when you really have nothing to do. I've talked to Herbie a few times and have seen him. He told me bout your trip to Colden, it must have been a piss. I've talked to Chris, Rosen, and Hal also. I'm gonna see Bucelli tonight. He's going to California Wednesday for good (work and grad school).
Guess what? I got my hair cut, it was a real pain, but it's not too bad now but I had to go for job interviews so I had to look like a clean-cut kid. I got a job selling Collier's encyclopedias from door to door worked for a week and a half and quit yesterday. It had its good points and bad. Training was 1 week you didn't get paid and you worked on commission the next week then you started salary $155 per week a lot of money but if you didn't produce you were out. The hours were ridiculous 2PM until by the time I get home 1AM so I could never talk to anyone so I gave it up. I won $10 for having the best presentation by a college kid. I told my boss I had to go to summer school and asked him if he could get me a job in the Buffalo branch during the school year he said he would.
Some of the things that happen from door-to-door are hysterical. One day it was 95 and with a jacket and tie on I was dying. I went to one house and the door was open so only the screen door was there. I knocked and glanced in. The living room was off to the left an lying on the floor was this young fat lady with her bra and panties on and her husband, real fat and just wearing his boxer shorts and they were rolling around together it was a piss I almost died laughing when she saw me she screamed and ran to get dressed. Another time I was working with my field supervisor watching him work and we knock on a door and a single (unmarried) girl comes to the door just wearing a CPO nothing else. It was rather nice, I saw some real nice girls that way while I was working. I should be getting a job on Wall Street now.
Herb is parking cars and making a fortune. He started yesterday. Chris is pounding baloney. Rosen is working on Wall Street.
Did you find out your grades yet? I still haven't got mine. Oh yeah if you want to go out with that girl Barbara I went out with at the beginning of the year her number is TF9-2939 she's some action so try it. Have you done some shit lately? I haven't though I'll probably be starting soon I'm sure. My mother is going away July 21-August 12 so come down if you want. That's about it for now. Take it easy and regards to everyone.
P.S. If you need shit ask Borelli he's at Englewood.
Paul, remember always the passion-filled evening we spent together.
RAQUEL
P.S.P.S. The day I left when you woke up I thought you were going to throw the clock at me.
