July 31, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

Pittsburgh Press, November 3, 1948

Back from fantasy-land!  I really feel very relaxed today, but I definitely miss the beach.  Now I'm looking sourly at several heaps of wash that must be done by this evening.  One thing I really hate is unpacking.  I've been know to not unpack for days & just use other things-- until my mother would be ready to kill me.  Maybe it's because I don't like to see things end that were good & then again, maybe it's because I'm extremely lazy -- probably the latter!  Speaking of lazy, I promised myself I'd hem curtains for the dining room, but there they sit, near the wash, reprimanding me with every word I wrote.  Maybe I'd better do some things about at least 1 basket to assuage my conscience and then return?

There -- I fell better already.  Towels are in and everything else is sorted.  Are you still patronizing the laundry for your shirts?  (For shame, if you are.)  Is there a laundry in Deer Lodge?  I'm sure there must be (and if so, Tweety has found it?)

I can't think of a nicer honor than being on your dedication page, although I cannot really claim to have donated any of the spirit you speak of.  I do feel that you are talented & can accomplish your goal but only with lots of discipline, which I'm sure you already recognize.  That seems to be the most difficult part of any talent we are given.  Potential is only a foggy breath on glass.  Oh well--

Speaking of "literary" pursuits -- I was at GSLIS (blasphemy) & saw Grant Lee (do you think his parents must have been Civil War buffs?) & he mentioned the index & then proceeded to not be able to find it!  But he says he thinks it can get published.  God only knows when though.  I didn't mention it -- he did.  So we shall see.  Unhappily, I missed Kate.  I did want to see her. . People there told me that she wasn't well again.  She is still teaching, which is probably not doing her any good, but, then again, I suppose when people are active, being inactive may be more of a harm.

Maybe we can visit her when you come for a visit?  By the ways -- have any plans gelled on that lately.  Oct?  When -- how long, etc.?  I'm only being pushy because I'm anxious!  And also because one of the purposes of my being is to plan!  (And make alternate plans, too, of course.) Brook refuses to listen to any plans whatsoever because he doesn't believe -- but we know what concentration can do, don't we? I suppose that if enough plans go awry anyone can lose faith, huh?  Maybe even me.

Almost time for the shirts to go in.  I'd better bring them down.  Be right back.  Luckily I made tonight's dinner ahead of time and froze it -- uh, modern conveniences.  My grandmother still will not use any of these, though.  She gets up at 5:30 each morning & attends 6:00 mass and comes home by 7:00 after chatting with friends.  It takes her about 2 hrs to prepare their main meal which they have at 1:00 after my grandfather comes in from scouring the junk stores on Passyunk Avenue where he is well-known.  *(He likes gadgets!)  Maybe their life is better, but I doubt that life will ever be that way in America unless we have a catastrophe of some sort that forces it upon us. Maybe I should go to Idaho, just to live a simple life for awhile.  I know I could do it here, but I would not really be forced to.

I don't have a really automated life, I suppose.  I usually walk when I have to go somewhere (within reason, anyway) and I never use convenience foods unless I absolutely have to.

When we were on Brook's uncle's farm, something that really struck me was the number of convenience foods his aunt used.  I thought they would use all fresh things &  bake their own bread, etc.  I suppose this was rather naive of me.  They really hardly have any time to themselves -- let alone time for making bread.  My mother does these things, but she doesn't work, so it's really a luxury to be able to do them, I guess.  Getting up at 4:00 a.m. to milk 30 cows precludes bread-baking -- a new rule?

While we were on vacation I saw a drop spindle in a little shop which will let me do some of my own wool spinning.  It was only $3 and although it's difficult to learn to use, it will be better than paying $200 for a spinning wheel.  Now, all I need is some sheep's wool - I wonder if the neighbors would mind if I kept a black sheep in the back yard?  I doubt that they'd be pleased.

Oh well -- I guess I'll never get to 25 or 30 pages!

February 7, 1975 (Letter from Grayce)

This is the closest I could get to Sweden.  I just don't like to see such nice pictures go to waste and we get so many of them at the library.  Be prepared!  You just never know what may turn up next....

I think I have reached (although I never thought it possible) a new level of boredom.  I am sick, again!  I don't understand it, at all.  I usually get sick once a year, right before Xmas and I've already done that this year.

Brook was very sick at New Year's and I was rather pleased with myself that I never got what he had -- until now, anyway.  I have exactly the same symptoms and they have appeared in exactly the same sequence.  We figure that this bug must have a month of more incubation time.

On Wednesday, I got up early and went to the bank and all of a sudden when I got home I felt terrible but I was still going to work.  But by 2:30 when I started to get ready, I knew I would never make it up the hill.  So I called in sick and I've been in bed ever since.  On Wednesday night I had a very high fever (102) and had terrible dreams.  I can't remember them but I remember that they were frightening.  Now the fever is gone, but my throat is really raw and I have a cough.

I've read 2 books (long ones) and I'm being subjected to daytime TV (yech!)  Pgh doesn't show old movies in the afternoons the way Philly does.  So I watched "Rolling for Dollars", "Hollywood Squares" and the 12 o'clock news (a little bit of reality, you understand).

Now "Split Second" is on -- it's not so bad because the questions are pretty interesting.  Of course, the commercial are great.  I've just been told how to cope with "The Naked Hamburger". Actually, all of this would not be so bad, if only I felt like doing something.  I just have no energy or strength.

I think on the news last night that it was -11 in Montana.  A warm spell, huh?

9 February 1975 - Well, here I am, again!  I feel much better today.  Yesterday I thought I would go mad.  It was Saturday and the first day I didn't feel like death warmed over and Brook was home to keep me company and things were starting to look up.  (For awhile, anyway!)  Brook and I decided to play Scrabble.  (This is one of the few games I am really competitive about.)  Now, Brook doesn't like "words" in the same way that I don't like "numbers" so it involves considerable sacrifice for him to play Scrabble.  But he's very good at it (he plays "strategically" if you can believe that!) and I really have to think hard to keep up with him.  Anyway, w hen Brook got a 64! point word yesterday!!!I got so excited I tried to jump up and being in a semi-lotus pose I pulled a muscle in my side.  I really saw stars.  I couldn't stand up straight for almost an hour.  Actually,l this wasn't very funny,  but it seemed so hysterical at the time.  I seem to be ok now (knock wood).  I've just never had so many things wrong with me at one time.  I'm such a klutz!  Brook said I have to be the only person on earth to hurt herself playing Scrabble.

10 February - I guess this is another bits and pieces effort.  It's really cold (for here).  I don't know firsthand since I can't go out, but on the news they said that parts of western Pa had -20 weather last night.  It was only -3 in Pgh -- but that's not too common here, either.

I haven't been to GSLIS since before Christmas.  I hope Kate isn't really bad.  I'll call her today. She's awfully hard to reach by phone, though.

You dream sounds pretty scary.  My grandmother says when you have a dream about death it means good luck!  And if you dream about a baby then death is involved.  I don't know. My grandmother definitely is psychic.  This is just one instance.  When I was in a car accident, she was at this resort at the shore she goes to for a month each year.  There is no phone and no one called her because she didn't know and they didn't want her to worry.  The next morning she was at Bryn Mawr hospital to see me!  (Bryn Mawr is near Villanova and at least 15 miles from where my parents live and even if she knew I was in a hospital, she would never know which one. When I told my parents she had come, they were astounded!  When I asked her how she knew, she just smiled her queer little smile and said "I knew">  Whew!  My father said she almost always knew everything when they were little, too.  Remind me sometime to tell you about her silverware set.

I think your philosophy of work is great.  I mean, why should a fight increase someone's sentence when if they had a scuffle on the street someone would just break it up and everyone would go home and no trouble  right?  Don't worry -- who would I tell?

How is Sue?  What's she doing? Wasn't Forsman's contract dropped?  That's the only thing I heard.  I never really cared anyway.  I think Forsman has more problems than someone who is trying to "change things" should have.

Well -- another letter.  By the way, I get home around 11:00 on Wednesday nighits.

P.S.  I finally broke down and bought a loom!  I'm so excited I can hardly see straight!  It's small (20") and it's primitive but it was dirt cheap ($20).  Spendo the magnificent lives!

January 27, 1975 (Letter from Sue)

At long last, here is my long-overdue letter.  (And the book -- give me you reactions -- I'm curious whether a non-Montrealer will receive the same impact as did I.)

Well, things are never boring here.  Just after New Years, our part was ransacked -- the thief made away w/ my Pentax, which is about the only possession we have, anyway, and Bart's immigration papers.  Happy New Year.  Too bad -- I was just beginning to get into photog.  But thems' the breaks, I guess.

Still don't know about the job.  I have an appt w/ Immigration on Thurs. and will find out then.  The whole thing bores me stiff by now.  But I will persevere!  (for awhile anyway.)

I have been seeing a lot of "flicks" lately.  One of the universities very near to us has an excellent film program -- 75 cents too.  They've had a D. W. Griffith retrospective (in honor of D.W.'s 100th) -- it was very interesting as I've never seen any of his stuff.  Missed the biggies, Birth of a Nation and Intolerance  but saw Orphans of the Storm, complete with a very lovely Lillian Gish as well as a "pussy-footing Robespierre"!  Griffith's montage effects -- the "Griffith sequence" or whatever it's called, are very effective -- lot of suspense.

Yesterday there was a Stan Brakhage festival -- with Stan himself in person.  Fortunately, he was there, or I probably wouldn't have understood a quarter of what he is trying to do (in terms of "document" art, capturing all aspects of "sight").  He is a very unassuming guy, very unpretentious, wit a very kind and articulate manner.  I remember that Immorth told me he lived (?) with him awhile when Brakhage was in Pittsburgh.  (Surely you know of his famous "Pittsburgh Trilogy!"  I didn't, before yesterday!)  What do you know, and what is your opinion, of Brakhage?  I've always heard of him as an important underground filmmaker, but till yesterday knew nada.

Also saw Godfather II which provokes mixed feelings.  Think what Coppola is trying to show in terms of degeneration and power corruption is excellent, but story line and motivation need to be tightened up.  Saw the Emigrants and The New Land (together on a double bill -- quite a viewing feat) just after God. II and it provides an interesting contrast of 2 different periods of immigration as well as 2 different types (rural vs. urban settlement).  I'm sure you've seen them -- what's your opinion?  The other film I've seen recently is Fellini's Amarcord which I liked, with reservations -- it's a little too broad-humored (pun intended) for my taste (pun not intended!)  Maybe it's my Puritan background, but big-breasted women don't make me fall off my chair with laughter!

Now that I've gloated over all the "cinema" available in this cultural center -- what are you up to?  It must be Coldsvilles, U.S.A. in Deer Lodge.  (It has been -15 here!)  Unthinkable!  How is the job -- still freeform?  Hope so -- I know how rebellious you'd become if your freedom were curtailed, and I'd hate to hear you were incarcerated for insubordination!  Didn't you tell me they have Wed. night movies at the prison?  What sort of films?

Has your friend from Boston come to brighten your days and nights.  If so, how are things working out?  I'm sure your heart is going pitty-pat at the sight of an Eastern face again!

Got a letter from Wendell a few weeks ago -- he told me "Forsman left under a cloud".  How intriguing!  I am simply consumed with curiosity!!  He also told me, sadly, that Lancour and Kolish have both had health problems recently.  I guess Lancour had a mild heart attack and Dr. Kolish must be having more of the same problems she had before.

Oh -- I spent a week in NYC at N.Y. Eve time.  Hard-hearted that I am, I left Bart in Montreal as he was sick and had a lot of studying to do.  But I had a simply gala time!  I stayed with Anne (you've met her_ -- who is just back from 7 months in France *and having some problems of readjustment, bien sur).  New York is such an infinite sort of place, don't you think?  Just everything, good and evil, is there.  I fell in love with Little Italy.  It seemed so authentically ethnic -- also very reminiscent of part of North Beach in S.F.  I wouldn't mind living there, should I decided to try to get my bite of the Big Apple.

Apropos of which, I received a letter recently from Elaine -- she hadn't written before as she'd really had a truckload of problems.  Her husband had had some sort of enlarged lymph nodes and they were very worried -- the tests, etc. were dragged out for months, but everything turned out OK as the growths were benign.  What a relief -- I hate to think of Elaine under such psychological pressure -- as we've agreed (you and I) so many times, she is such a tip-top sort of woman.

Anyway -- she sent me a bunch of addresses of library director friends of hers in various Long Island locales -- so if I do decide to return stateside, there will be a lead.

I'm enclosing a clipping re the origins of Halloween which you were grumbling about in your last letter.   (My God -- Halloween -- it's only 3 months ago -- I am a procrastinator!)

Well, shall warp this up for this time.  Write soon -- letters are the boon of my existence.  Hope the hot and cold water faucet of your life (your analogy) maintains an even temperature (but what would you do if, as in our apt bldg, they shut the hot water off?  Hmmmmm?!)

P.S.  Thanks again for you Noel phone call -- it was a bright addition to the holiday season!

November 26, 1974

Whittier School hallway, Great Falls, Montana

Photo taken September 1974

Speaking of stationery...class, huh?  Just one glance into this box and its contents will reveal to you the secret workings of the maniacal mind, with all its twisted, circuitous routes.  The cigar box (compliments of Mr. Walker) was the strongest one I could find.  I wouldn't want Tweety's head squashed beyond recognition (although, maybe you don't even recognize his sweet face in the full now?)

Actually, when I first "began" Tweety, I had intended the day of his "completeness" to coincide with the day of your birth -- but human imperfection and laziness being personified in my being, such was not the case.  Please accept my contrite words of apology anyway.  You are now the proud (well, maybe that's putting it a little too strongly?) of one Tweet (not thoroughly approved by his owner, but loved all the more for his little imperfections).  Please note the scarf and how it carries out the "theme".

Last week I had the thrilling experience of returning once again to our old "Alma Mater" (funny, how I don't seem to be able to love her imperfections -- maybe there are only so many imperfections one can take!?)  Actually, I didn't want to go, because my last visit there awoke in my myriad strange feelings -- some good; some not so.  But I had called Kate a few weeks before and inadvertently mentioned that I'd be in to see her some day and unfortunately for me, she demanded me to be explicit -- i.e., I was to make an appointment....so.  Actually, I did like seeing her, but I would rather have seen her elsewhere.  I had intended to stop by quickly (*by going straight up to the seventh floor) and then leaving quietly.  But meeting Dr. Kryzs in the elevator foreshadowed disaster!  He was full of questions -- luckily I wasn't full of answers and I escaped.  Kate told me not to stay at this job longer than 1 year (I wish someone would stop saying that and do something constructive like tell me where to get another job.)  We had a nice chat and she was particularly interested in you.  I told her how happy you are and she was pleased.  Then I got up to leave.  I had left dough at home rising because I thought for use that I'd be home in time to roll it out and bake it and have it ready for dinner at 6:00.  But she asked if I had seen Wray and of course I said not.  So -- down to the 5th floor.  Everything has changed -- the library is now on the 3rd floor -- walls are gone, etc. very strange.

So -- I went down expecting to say hello-goodbye but surprisingly enough I talked to Wray (or rather, he talked to me) for almost 2 hours.  We never had a conversation like that before.  10 minutes at the most.  Actually, when I first saw him I felt extremely awkward, I just don't know why, but I couldn't find any words.  So -- then I got up to go and Mr. Lee called from his office and said "Aren't you going to visit with me?"  And really, I did want to see him.  By the way, he did not mention the index and I did not either because I figured if he had any spectacular news he would say it and he didn't so -- I see the index primarily as you do, although I would not mind seeing it published.  I was happy to do it because I feel that I got to know you lots better than if we hadn't and that's enough for it to have done, you know?

Paulie, I certainly did not expect a wedding present.  It was very sweet of you, but do not worry about getting it here quick.  Also, about letters, I would like very much if you, when one of my letters appeared, could be happy to receive it, and not worry about writing back so much.  Your letters are always welcome -- even the "mundane" ones.  I know how you feel.  I get in moods when I can't write much.  So don't feel you "must."  Even a short letter is better than none.  I don't wish to be a pest.  OK?

Brook feels as you do about Christmas.  I like it because I like to make things and stuff like that.  I like to decorate.  I suppose that is a very pagan attitude, but I look forward to it.  I do not like Christmas shopping or anything like that.  But I do hope you will change your mind and have a little tree?  You can decorate it simply.  I don't want to think of you there at Christmas alone.  I probably am making you sick so I will stop, but please reconsider?  Anyway, it is none of my business (but, of course) when did that ever stop me?

How nice about Ken and Denise.  I really don't think they could expect you to travel all that way, though.  It would be crazy.

Are you ever scared at work -- like when that fight occurred?  I don't know, I guess I'm really weird but I would be.

Did you look like you do now when you were 3?  (I mean minus the 6"2", of course) (actually, not minus all of it--)

Harvey mentioned the possibility of going back to the ministry.  I don't know though; he didn't seem really excited about It and I think if you're going to do something like that, you should be.  Oh, well, maybe he is and didn't show it.

Diane is terribly excited because she got Tweety glasses for you at Arby's (I think).  We are going to see her at Thanksgiving.  She's having dinner at my parents' since she wasn't going home for just one day   I really miss her very much.  We asked Bev, too, but she has the long weekend and is going home.

Speaking of Bev, I wrote out Robert's Christmas card last night.  It was certainly tame compared to some of the others that we've sent.  The idea is that I am now living in Philadelphia and missing Alabama's mild winters very much...poor Robert.  Bev said she saw him when she was home and he did not even stop to talk to her -- maybe he's guessed?  I don't know how, though.  It's really untraceable.  In a way, I feel sad now that I can only send him cards once a year, but actually he's probably very grateful and in a way it's better.

The people who live upstairs from us are from Washington State.  They wanted to come "east" for a few years.  They are quite nice.  (Vicki has a loom and will lend it to me.)  I've always wanted one but they are so expensive to buy.  Brook said he would make me one but if it gets done as quickly as the pottery wheel then I won't be able to use it, being crippled by arthritis.  I should not expect so much.  He's so busy not only with work but with this strange house.  He also is busy listening to me complain unnecessarily.

Only last week we spoke of selling this house and moving into some assembly-line apartment in which no plastering, sanding, painting, ----had to be done.  My passion for Victorian homes is slowly diminishing.  The people upstairs have lived here for 5 years and they are just beginning to be satisfied with all the work they've done.  We don't even know if we will be here that long.  I certainly don't  want to stay here for the rest of my life.  (Paul says, "enough, enough.")

Actually I don't need either a loom or a wheel because I won't have time to do anything like that. It's icing.  The house has to look half decent first, I guess.

I have to go in town today and naturally the weather is not cooperating at all.  It's raining and snowing -- slushy!yech.  But I simply cannot put this off anymore.  I'm so lazy lately (even lazier than before? he says, oh, it is not possible.)  By the time I get to work sometimes I am ready to leave, especially when I work til 10 on Thursday -- get home at 11:15 and have to get up at 6:30 Friday (I can't go to sleep at 11:15 -- especially after coming home from work.  I'm just too fidgety. I do regret it the next morning however.

Lately I'm been on this Graham Greene binge.  (Remember how I read everything Hardy wrote?) Well, I just started my 5th Greene novel and lo and behold -- on the dedication page a quote -- a Hardy quote (hmmmm).  I knew there had to be some connection.  Greene's characters seem fate-directed also, but not bound the way Hardy's are.  They have freedom to re-arrange things as they are set up and fate only presents them to situations.  That's how I feel fate really works, anyway.

It seems like I'm really boring, so...I'll stop for now.  (Paul says "whew!")

P.S.  Corneliusson -- I was reading a pamphlet on first name origins while I was organizing the vertical file at work and they explained in the intro how the origins of 1st and last names differed. You name just happened to be an example.  Just one line explaining how it had been shortened from that to Nelson.

November 5, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

Whittier Elementary School, Great Falls, Montana

Photo taken September 1974

Dear. Mr. Corneliusson (as elongated older version of your last name I came across just recently).

As I write today, I am listening to the record I ordered the day we were in town.  (Debussy's Syrinx for flute solo).  It was his last work and I really like it best of all the others.  I might even go far enough to say it's my favorite classical piece.  The mood I have to be in to really enjoy it doesn't just open up every day, though.  It's such a thoughtful and restrained piece of music that to listen to it when I'm not feeling thoughtful and peaceful would be a type of sacrilege.  It  has a very mysterious quality and can be ethereal at times.  It would be like touching clouds to really explain it so I will stop   I hope you can hear it someday.  The first time I heard it was in January when Brook's sister invited us to an evening of chamber music that she had to give with other people in her class.  I was feeling bad that night and this music was perfect.

I thing (actually, I do speak English) think I told you the story of Pan that it was written to represent.  (He falls in love with a young mortal woman who is afraid of him and hides from him in the reeds.  He cannot find her and sighs deeply and his breath carries over all the reeds and makes the sound of syrinx.)  It's truly beautiful story.

Oh well, enough of this.  You're probably asleep by now.  (Of course, you could always skip the parts of a letter that bore you -- it's not like just walking away from someone that's talking to you, huh?)

I had intended to recommend a crock-pot to you in my last letter.  I got one as a shower gift from Tobin and she said that no "career person" should be without one.  It's really good, isn't it?  Suzy Homemaker has been experimenting a lot lately.  Brook hasn't died of ptomaine yet, so I guess I'm not all that bad.  Last night I made stew (in the crock-pot) and it was really good.  The meat was so tender it fell apart.  If you haven't made that yet, please do.  I made garlic bread and a fresh spinach salad (with Caesar dressing) to go with it.  I'm making myself soooo hungry.  ON Sunday (here I go again) we got the pumpkins we had planted in the summer and I made pumpkin pie.  I think I'm going to have to go on a diet before Thanksgiving (just to stay at my present situation) because we are going to Phila for the holiday and my mother has already called up and asked what we want.  Brook, of course, wants veal scallopini (for Thanksgiving!?) so that mean we'll have it the day after, and I know she'll have all kinds of goodies to tempt me.  I used to be much better at resisting these things.  My will power needs some kind of incentive, I think.  I will have to dress something good up.

Speaking of home, I'm sorry your sister is having a bad time.  But at least she has those nice plans about New England to think of and work for.  I think everybody wants to live in N.E. or California.  I wouldn't want to live in Calif, but I'd really like N.E. -- I like the climate very much.

My news from home is that my brother Tommy (age 15) is "going steady" with a girl who is going to be 20.  My parents are certainly not thrilled to death about it, but they are wisely (for once)( not interfering and not badgering him.  The problem seems to be that Vera "wants to get married". (This seems a little ludicrous to me since he's only 15!  I mean, why would she pick him?)  It's strange.  She's very nice but she's a non-entity.  Her opinions are never even voiced, let alone considered by Tommy.  He's so independent and he kind of lets her tag along, but he does like her a lot.  He's just really immature and doesn't know how to treat her, or anything.  In a way, this will be very good for him.  It's her I'm worried about.  I can't imagine what she's getting out of this relationship, you know?

One thing that bothers me about her is that she graduated from high school 2 years ago and has never gotten a job.  She just stays home all day.  She has 7 brothers and sisters and I guess she helps her mother, but her father died quite awhile ago and I just thought some money would come in hand there.  It's none of my business, of course, but I just can't understand how someone can just do nothing for 2 years!  Myeer!  I would go crazy, I think.

I have to go now cause I have to go to work.  ON Tues and Thurs I start 1 1:00 and work til 10:00.  I was just really getting into this letter, too.  Oh well---

(11/7/74)  -- well, here I am again with lots of energy.  Actually, it is 6:30 am (the middle of the night for me) and I just have washed my hair and I am sitting here deciding whether to set it or not. Brook is already at work.  He had some big top secret engineering to get done today.  It had to be done before everybody was at work, so...and once I wake up fully it's almost impossible for me to go back to sleep.

So, you're stuck with a letter from a tired but awake person.  I'm sorry, but I have a feeling that this letter isn't inspired.  Do you hate this trivia? or what?!

Your phone sounds quite appropriate.  What does you apartment look like?  Colors, age, etc.  (please answer this!)

Guess what?  The other day I went shopping in Wilkinsburg and I passed by the pipe shop and decided to go in and ask for a few cigar boxes (I'm making wooden Xmas tree decorations and they're 3-dimensional so I need a place to store them so they don't break) and lo and behold! the man behind the counter was none other than Harvey Walker.  No sooner did he see me than he started telling everyone (at least 10 people!) that I was his ex-wife and I still went up to visit him on Thursday nights when his present wife worked  etc. etc. -- same old Harvey!  Anyway, it was really nice to see him, despite the fact that 10 people now think we are both crazy, immoral, or both.  I haven't gotten up enough courage to go in and see him again, yet.  I think I will wait for an off-time at the store.

Do you know I haven't seen Kolish yet either? or even spoken to her.  Kate certainly is elusive.  I've called several times and no luck.  I hope she's alright.  I think I'll try again today.  I have to go to Oakland on Nov. 18 so maybe I can see her then!

I am quite excited about tomorrow.  One of the library aides that I've gotten friendly with is taking an indep study in pottery and she's going to let me use her wheel tomorrow!  I haven't done it in such a long time so I've a little apprehensive, but I can't wait!  There's something really neat about playing with clay and mud.  I guess I feel that way because I am an earth sign.  Does your sister like to play with earth?

Right now, as I look around myself, at this mess, I am quite discouraged.  This house is at least 08 years old and I don't believe anything has been done to it for at least 20 years (maybe not even cleaned!).  There is plaster everywhere and the curtains that are on most of the windows are nothing short of hideous.  We can't fix anything until Brook finishes his cabinet which is being built into the wall, so- it will take at least until Christmas to do that.  (shudder)  I don't even feel like cleaning cause it doesn't help one bit!  I have so many ideas and it is frustrating to not get to do any of them. Oh well...

By all means, do send some samples of your journals.  I would especially like to see some representative things about your time at GSLIS -- I mean at different times there, if your opinions changed or altered much.  Actually anything you send would be fine.  Do you like going through all that and editing?  It would be very tedious for me since I am very impatient.   Kierkegaard never went over any of his writings.  They just poured out like a waterfall.  He wrote 20 volumes of journals (each quite large also) and his philosophic works are so voluminous as to really amaze the person who realizes that he died in his very early forties.  (Paul says -- oh no -- do I have to listen to her talk about this goofball again?!)  I'll stop; I promise.

What's prison chow like?

As for travel, I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I used to think it was very exciting but I'm not so sure now.  It seems that I believe in the solidarity of mankind and that most men are awfully basically alike. Maybe it's only because I haven't been to any other really different places like the Orient.  I would love to visit China before the art is totally negated by that state.  From what I've read they are trying to do away with all of the past -- even Confucius.  I think this is a crime -- to take people out of their identity and mold them all together.  I feel that all men placed in the same situation who have the same milieu react very similarly, i.e., I don't believe in "bad" men and "good" men but that, inherently  man becomes what he does.  Like all those people in prison were sort of "channeled" into the lives they led.  And most will probably be channeled into it again when they leave.  I don't know how travel brought this stuff up.  Please excuse this disjointed rambling!

Are you going to go home for Xmas?

September 10, 1974 (Letter from Grayce)

Your organization ("I keep all the letter I have received in ring-bound notebooks") constantly amazes me!  Never again do I wish to be poked fun at about "urgent".  I have been painting all night and am really tired.  It is not a good way to begin a letter, as a matter of fact, this is really absurd, but I think I'm going to stop now and do this tomorrow when I can give it my full attention (see: how important I consider you?!).  Good night....

11 September 1974 -- Well, this is much better.  From your letter you certainly seem to be adjusting rather well to your new environment   I didn't know that polar bears were quite so versatile!  (Maybe it's that cooler climate bringing out your inherent qualities.

Today was a very nostalgic day.  I had a doctor's appointment in Oakland -- so decided to stop by at GSLIS first to see Mr. Lee (who wasn't in -- as usual).  Dr. Kolish was out also, but I did see Mr. Wray  and all the secretaries and Dr. Immroth was so nice to me.  He really looks fine, ans says he's doing well.  I'm so proud of him.  He's really a nice person, but I worried about this way of life.  You know, he actually looks 10 years younger?

I saw Ray Martin.  He said "hello".  I also saw the new batch of students in the library, lounge, etc.  None, of course, quite as precocious as we.  My doctor is on the 500 block of N. Neville -- so -- (my ever-failing sense of direction leading me) -- I decided it must be 1 block up from where you used to live and over 2 blocks.  Guess again.  I passed old "lacucaracha heaven" on Melwood and from there on it took me 1/2 hour to find the good doctor.  Oh well...

Send me a picture of "typical Montana".  I know I shall never see it in person, except by maybe a weird twist of fate.  Speaking of fate -- how do you feel about it?  I love it, actually sometimes.  I guess that's why I like Hardy.  Sometimes things seem awfully controlled to me, you know?  I mean, there are endless possibilities to a situation and it seems as though the possibility that occurs always fits in with another possibility occurring along the parallel of what's happening.  I kind of wonder if possibilities count at all, or if they're just put there by the Practical Joker (Melville's idea of God is certainly bizarre, but maybe  it's true?) to make us think there are endless possibilities?  I don't know, obviously another thing that's been bothering me lately -- human emotion.   Maybe I've always previously had the good fortune to meet simple, open people -- but I always felt that human emotion was a very transparent thing -- or at least translucent.  But lately (as far back as a few years ago, really) it seems much more opaque.  I mean, I didn't always feel that feelings were bared consistently or without guard exactly, but merely that they were fairly easy to discern.  I felt that I could glean from expressions, glances, gestures what a person felt, or at least a slight approximation of their emotion -- not an empathy because I feel that that is very rare and not even consistent among very close people.  But I dont' feel it so much anymore.  Even in people with whom  I've formerly felt it -- only sometimes.  I feel that there are layers and layers of depths and each has to be peeled.  I'll bet even when you reach the core there's something hidden -- a little seed that is impossible to open.  Oh, listen to me (or rather, don't).  See what happens when you get involved with philosophy majors!  They're a bizarre crew!

Anyway to make a long story short (although I never do), I just know that there are some things (both about ourselves and others) that we just can never know!  It's just beyond our reach.  I just got the full impact of that, maybe I'm just slow.  That must be it...I'm just newsy -- I want to know everything.

I'm going to change the subject completely for some good news -- Bev got a job!!!  Only I don't know where -- I just got a phone message that she called while I was out.  I'll let you know what's what as soon as I know.  I'm glad; she was really miserable these past few weeks.  Diane is still looking but she seems fairly calm -- I have never seen Diane worry past the point of just saying "I'm worried" -- I mean, no nervous mannerisms, etc.  Very stable, wish I could imitate!

By the way, I've just decided that you are not allowed to move anywhere for another two years -- at least   I have 3 addresses for you in my address book and if you move once more you will ruin everything, so STAY STILL!!!  (ok?)  (pick, pick, pick)  Maybe someone will give us an address book for a wedding present -- one that has interchangeable spots for addresses.  I mean it -- my friends are vagabonds.  I myself have had only 6 addresses in my life (and most were summer).  Why can't people follow this good example?  (heh, heh)

Did I tell you that I got no duplicates of anything at my shower?  (which was held regardless of the fact that I explicitly stated that there was to be none!)  The noive!  Anyway -- sorry -- no toaster oven will be arriving for you (I didn't get one either, don't cry, tweety!)  We'll see what happens with wedding presents -- I give you fair warning though -- don't expect any address books -- I need all of those that I can get!

This job is really hectic!  The director is a nice woman, but very disorganized and she has all of us a wreck.  I keep reminding myself that this job is not worth killing myself over-- but my brain can't seem to get the message straight -- I'll probably have 3 ulcers by April (if I last that long!)  I'm in charge of "Reserves" (oh, joy!), also picture file and vertical file (neither of which have I even seen yet -- they being what I'm interested mostly in!)  I had forgotten what it was like to be under a nun's wing.  (Oh only that it could have remained forgotten.)

In high school I gradually lost all respect for Catholicism per se -- in college I found (in Phil and Theo  a reason to respect it again -- to actually like it, even and to hold it dear again.  I have a penguin's chance in hell of keeping this here.  This place is really provincial (I can understand why your friend Barb left.)  I can't wait til Oct 3rd so I can come here only to work.  It seemed like an ivory tower -- now it seems like prison.  Stifling is too good a word.  I can't say what I feel about the job yet because I haven't gotten accustomed to ti or to all the people yet.  It will take at least 2 months, if not longer.  (myeer!)

You know, I really wish I had a job like yours -- it seems interesting, but with so many insights to get.  I suppose it will never happen -- but maybe, meanwhile you'll have to tell me all about it -- ok?  Everything -- even little thoughts you have about it.  Do you mind?  If so, tell me.  You probably think me such a pest.  I'm sorry.

I hope you are well, and not lonely out there.  But you like to be alone, huh?  But not always?  Have you written anymore dreams lately?  What does your place look like (colors, etc).  Is it large?  Polar bears should have room for their coat to breathe.